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keira
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16 Jun 2011, 9:14 am

TechnoMonk wrote:
And yeah, i know there are stories out there about weirdo stalkers, but MOST people aren't like that, the weirdos are the exceptions to the rule , NOT the rule.


Well MOST people aren't stalkers. You say that people get labelled as stalkers too often but from your post I get the impression that you use a very broad definition yourself. As Musicboxforever said I don't think that teenage shyness experience could be labelled as stalking unless you made the girl you liked feel scared and intimidated by your behavior.
Also - anyone who's ever been stalked will tell you that there is absolutely nothing romantic about it!



ToughDiamond
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16 Jun 2011, 9:35 am

It's an interesting idea though.......as girls tend to play hard to get and give mixed messages as a normal part of the courtship ritual, how does an Aspie find the happy medium between taking a playful "no" too seriously, and assuming "no" is meaningless and therefore stalking?



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16 Jun 2011, 9:41 am

ToughDiamond wrote:
It's an interesting idea though.......as girls tend to play hard to get and give mixed messages as a normal part of the courtship ritual, how does an Aspie find the happy medium between taking a playful "no" too seriously, and assuming "no" is meaningless and therefore stalking?


Hmm that's a good question. Reminds me of a scene in Pride and Prejudice where Mr Collins proposes to Lizzy:

She refuses and he says:

``You must give me leave to flatter myself, my dear cousin, that your refusal of my addresses is merely words of course. My reasons for believing it are briefly these: -- It does not appear to me that my hand is unworthy your acceptance, or that the establishment I can offer would be any other than highly desirable. My situation in life, my connections with the family of De Bourgh, and my relationship to your own, are circumstances highly in its favor; and you should take it into farther consideration that in spite of your manifold attractions, it is by no means certain that another offer of marriage may ever be made you. Your portion is unhappily so small that it will in all likelihood undo the effects of your loveliness and amiable qualifications. As I must therefore conclude that you are not serious in your rejection of me, I shall chuse to attribute it to your wish of increasing my love by suspense, according to the usual practice of elegant females.''

``I do assure you, Sir, that I have no pretension whatever to that kind of elegance which consists in tormenting a respectable man. I would rather be paid the compliment of being believed sincere. I thank you again and again for the honour you have done me in your proposals, but to accept them is absolutely impossible. My feelings in every respect forbid it. Can I speak plainer? Do not consider me now as an elegant female intending to plague you, but as a rational creature speaking the truth from her heart.''



ToughDiamond
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16 Jun 2011, 11:00 am

Exactly. His approach was prettty lousy though wasn't it? Typical bloke. And I think he was wrong about the purpose of the hard-to-get game. At least, in my experience it doesn't enhance my ardour one bit. So her reply really meant no, I take it? I wouldn't have stuck around for more after that.



Simonono
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16 Jun 2011, 11:06 am

"I've been stalking your mom for 2 years straight, cos' I'm way too shy to ask her out on a date"



nick007
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16 Jun 2011, 12:52 pm

This might be slightly off-topic but What treatment is there for stalkers :?: I know from personal experience that psych meds do not help with obsessive crushing or being in love


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CrinklyCrustacean
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17 Jun 2011, 1:28 am

ToughDiamond wrote:
Exactly. His approach was prettty lousy though wasn't it? Typical bloke. And I think he was wrong about the purpose of the hard-to-get game. At least, in my experience it doesn't enhance my ardour one bit. So her reply really meant no, I take it? I wouldn't have stuck around for more after that.

She didn't stick around: Mr Collins tried again and she ran off! He took the prize for worst proposal with this line, though:
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Your portion is unhappily so small that it will in all likelihood undo the effects of your loveliness and amiable qualifications.

I mean...damn... 8O



League_Girl
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17 Jun 2011, 2:05 am

TechnoMonk wrote:
There's no one reason why someone would stalk someone else. Like anything in life, everyone takes different routes to get to the same place. Anyone putting simple explanations to something so complex are just plain wrong ( like that first post, delusional i think someone put it down to, what?).

I remember being 14-15 and being very shy, I really liked this girl but there was zero chance of me ever speaking to her ( and as it happens girls, I've seen pictures of her on FB recently, she is in no way a perfect looking girl, she was just perfect for me). When the school bus would drive past her house I'd look to see if i could see her, and sometimes I'd walk home and my choice of route ( not actually going out of my way) would lead past her house and again I'd look to see if i could see her. In a sense that was stalking. I made zero attempts otherwise to speak to her. It's not that I'm bad looking, I'm obviously intelligent and represented my school for multiple sports and since then I've spent time in the forces so physically I've always been the equal of other males at the very least. It's just that I'm an introvert and can't communicate very well.

I actually feel sorry for a lot of people labelled as stalkers in this day and age, just being interested in a girl seems to be considered stalking. I've read a million stories in times gone by where a guy has spent a while trying to get a girl to go out with him and it seems to me that it was once considered romantic when finally the girl gave in and they started dating. Now the girl will call the police if the guy seems too interested, how pathetic is that?

And yeah, i know there are stories out there about weirdo stalkers, but MOST people aren't like that, the weirdos are the exceptions to the rule , NOT the rule.



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I dread running into him again. The stalker knows that they are a nice person, they probably are, and all they want is for you to see them for who they really are, see past all the over-enthusiastic pestering for attention. If only you can give them one more chance... But that much harassment makes the person being pestered (me) want to shut out the stalker forever, like a scared dog backed into a corner, I bite. People need to be given space.



See what i mean, that guy never stood a chance, dismissed before he opened his mouth. Your loss really, imagine blanking someone that thought so highly of you.



Being stalked is no fun. It becomes stalking when you have told that person to leave you alone and don't contact you ever again. You have to be there to understand. I understand because I have been there myself and it is very stressful and scary no matter how harmless the situation is. Then you just resent that person and never want to talk to them again because of that past. It's like trauma.


But sadly people do throw that word around before they even tell the person to stop contacting them and that they don't want anything to do with them. They just expect the person to know on their own to not do what they are doing. Like that one girl did to my online friend and he forgave her like two years later. If I were him, I wouldn't have forgiven her and started speaking to her again because of her disgusting behavior.



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17 Jun 2011, 3:24 am

CrinklyCrustacean wrote:
ToughDiamond wrote:
Exactly. His approach was prettty lousy though wasn't it? Typical bloke. And I think he was wrong about the purpose of the hard-to-get game. At least, in my experience it doesn't enhance my ardour one bit. So her reply really meant no, I take it? I wouldn't have stuck around for more after that.

She didn't stick around: Mr Collins tried again and she ran off! He took the prize for worst proposal with this line, though:
Quote:
Your portion is unhappily so small that it will in all likelihood undo the effects of your loveliness and amiable qualifications.

I mean...damn... 8O

Yes he's about as romantic as a tax demand.



hale_bopp
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17 Jun 2011, 3:50 am

It means they just want another chance how irrational it may be.



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18 Jun 2011, 4:16 pm

@musicboxforever, I'm sorry you had that experience - nothing about it sounds "innocuous" to me. I hope you're able to put it behind you. *hugs*


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musicboxforever
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18 Jun 2011, 4:26 pm

HopeGrows wrote:
@musicboxforever, I'm sorry you had that experience - nothing about it sounds "innocuous" to me. I hope you're able to put it behind you. *hugs*


Thanks, i'm beginning to feel like it's going to be ok. I feel sorry for him, i genuinely mean him no ill will. It really helped to get people's different views.



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18 Jun 2011, 4:26 pm

keira wrote:
TechnoMonk wrote:
And yeah, i know there are stories out there about weirdo stalkers, but MOST people aren't like that, the weirdos are the exceptions to the rule , NOT the rule.


Well MOST people aren't stalkers. You say that people get labelled as stalkers too often but from your post I get the impression that you use a very broad definition yourself. As Musicboxforever said I don't think that teenage shyness experience could be labelled as stalking unless you made the girl you liked feel scared and intimidated by your behavior.
Also - anyone who's ever been stalked will tell you that there is absolutely nothing romantic about it!


I understand why someone would be tempted to do it, but not why someone would actually do it. I am still living with the pain of being "blanked" as someone put it, and I have little understanding of why. I really want to know why things changed the way they did, and I can't accept that I never will. I have more pride than to continually contact the person (I just say to myself "I'm not that damn pathetic, he can go jump off a cliff if he doesn't think he has to explain", but I can imagine someone with less tolerance for what I deal with every damn day being tempted. But at the end of the day, the laws favor those who want to do that sort of thing (walk away from relationships without being fair enough to the other person to give them an adequate explanation), unethical as I see it to be, so I don't get why anyone would do more than be tempted.

~Kate


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keira
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18 Jun 2011, 4:59 pm

Meow101 wrote:
keira wrote:
TechnoMonk wrote:
And yeah, i know there are stories out there about weirdo stalkers, but MOST people aren't like that, the weirdos are the exceptions to the rule , NOT the rule.


Well MOST people aren't stalkers. You say that people get labelled as stalkers too often but from your post I get the impression that you use a very broad definition yourself. As Musicboxforever said I don't think that teenage shyness experience could be labelled as stalking unless you made the girl you liked feel scared and intimidated by your behavior.
Also - anyone who's ever been stalked will tell you that there is absolutely nothing romantic about it!


I understand why someone would be tempted to do it, but not why someone would actually do it. I am still living with the pain of being "blanked" as someone put it, and I have little understanding of why. I really want to know why things changed the way they did, and I can't accept that I never will. I have more pride than to continually contact the person (I just say to myself "I'm not that damn pathetic, he can go jump off a cliff if he doesn't think he has to explain", but I can imagine someone with less tolerance for what I deal with every damn day being tempted. But at the end of the day, the laws favor those who want to do that sort of thing (walk away from relationships without being fair enough to the other person to give them an adequate explanation), unethical as I see it to be, so I don't get why anyone would do more than be tempted.

~Kate


I think we are talking about different situations here. It's only natural to want an explanation after you've been "blanked" and a decent person would always respect that and give one. I think that there's nothing wrong with seeking an explanation if the person you actually had a real relationship with doesn't give you one.
What I was referring to (and what I understand as stalking) was the person who was told repeatedly that I didn't want to have a relationship with him. And trust me I did take time and put a lot of effort in explaining all the reasons I could come up with. He just kept repeating that I know nothing and he knows better that "we would be happy together". He kept this idea of "us" in his head absolutely ignoring the reality. And it was only after his obsessive behavior made me seriously scared for my safety that I cut him out of my life completely.
I think a lot of misunderstandings and disagreements that arise discussing the reasons behind stalking are caused by very different definitions of stalking that people apply.



leooxtoby
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23 Mar 2012, 5:20 am

I USED to 'stalk' - I couldn't control it, nor could I stop it. I found it emotionally hard and depressing.
There's so much that can trigger stalking, even with the most unexpected people. I'm 17, and I stalked when I was 13..
I have finally got out of it, and looking back I now understand that it doesn't stick around.
I got into trouble with the police after following my first love to school, constantly going outside her house, ringing her house on a withheld number to try and get in contact with her, she had to change her number on numerous occasions and everything I did including sending her mail through school and putting notes on her mum's car windscreen I also climbed onto car, remembering the numberplate & even to this day I still remember it. I started to self-harm due to depression, almost killed myself to see if my 1st Love would be there.

*TRIGGERS* - What I think triggered it was the sudden death of my 8year old brother, my Mum and Adopted Dad splitting up, the split of me and my 1st love and been raped, all at one go was alot for me and any other 13yearold to face, so I think that losing that love, all I wanted was it back, so I searched for it, and got in trouble for it, without even realising the effects it had.

4Years on, and I'm over the stalking, and me and my 1st love are still on a building friendship!

I'm happy to say I've changed, and also matured alot as a person, I'm happy to talk about it as others are/have been affected.

:) -Be careful, be wise, head up & you'll always find end and be fine :) <3



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23 Mar 2012, 12:13 pm

I think I'm the complete opposite of a stalker. I break off all contact with people after getting to know them because I'm unsure if they really want me around, and fear that my presence might bother them. I also never make compliments (in the photo threads here on WP, for example), because I'm afraid that people might find it creepy.