Married to an Aspie - thinking of divorce

Post Reply New Topic

Aspies get the short end of the stick. Aspies get divorced, kicked out of their family homes before they turn 19 and kicked out of rock n roll bands. I beg of you not to force that on your husband to be another rejected aspie.

\
I see a private counselor, use respite when we can, home help, is in place, I have a complete seizure safe room where all thereapies are provided, an education plan is in place that is followed in our home for our severly autistic child, my 22NT does not live at home, the 19NT does but manages his money, his personal needs and pretty much gets what he is supposed to do, I put our 19AS on the bus and get him off the bus daily, work from home full time so this can be accomplished. We have very limited services for the 23Aspie he is the core issue along with my husaband who will often admit he is Aspie then deny and doesn't realize how much help our 23 Aspie needs.

First the 23 Aspie is the one who needs help...his understanding of the world is extremely limited. I don't look at my children or should I say young adults as needy, I have always refused to treat them differently or let Autism be an excuse. Both the NTs have health issues and still it's not an excuse. I stopped doing laundry for them when they were 9, and taught hem all includeing my severly autistic child how to do laundry...he just needs a shadow. I don't clean their rooms, and the 22NT lives on her own, the 19AS he has daily chores, activities and follows a rigorous schedule to keep his life organized. My issue is the 23Aspie who refuses to use any tools to improve his life...he would sit in his room and rot if I didn't push him to get up and out. He won't take his meds unless I am putting in his hands, left to his own he won't take them or takes them incorrectly. I go over his check book weekly because he refuses to do it to the point that last year he lost his car and ran out of money...I didn't give him money or let him use my car. I'm very aware that he will not learn if I am an enabler which I am not to any of my children. I have always taught them concequences of life good and bad. I am the only one who has seen the 23Aspies needs and it was only a year or so ago that I was able to get a diagnoses because he is so very good at pretending. It's very easy for everyone to sit in judgement but I'm not an enabler I am looking for help from my spouse...I'm just plain exhausted.

Writing a list won't help.
I assume poppa is forgetting meds and things simply because he's tied up in his interests and doesn't notice time going by.

Involve the other kids.
Tell the responsable ones of the lot that they're being recruited on thursdays; thursdays are mom's day... Mom gets to go to the spa, and spend the night with her girlfriends, and etc...
Let them sort out who's in charge each week (ask them to decide/confirm by tuesday) and bingo... you've got time to yourself at least once a week and you don't have to worry about outcome because it's the kids (at 20 and still living at home they ought to be resources, not burdens) day to take on the experience/burdens/chores/maturity. Hey and it's a learning experience for them to boot.

I wish my son would do the things you are doing...my 22NT does not live at home and the 19NT who does takes care of his personal needs, works and basically doesn't require much from me and he has a chronic illness. My 23Aspie doesn't want to do anything more than play video games and stay in his room. He won't even try to fix food for himself and I don't do it for him unless it's a family meal. he does his laundry but we have to remind him of this too and to shave, he hasn't been successful in school because he refuses to use the tools needed or to ask for help he believe he shouldn't as for help and my husband just believes he will "grow out of this". I wish the answers given were as easy as they read...I'm really at a place that I never thought I'd be. Thank you for your response you sound like a responsible person

23A had a car and was able to drive and is good at pretending & just got diagnosed?
That's pretty high on the scale.

Push him to get out? This is something you can relax on. Aspies are often happier NOT going out. Out is stressful, out is a big expenditure of mental energy. Out is scary. Sure, encourage him - but focus on encouraging him SATURDAYS, and let all other days slide.

And if he can drive, he can damn well do his own meds. I don't mean to be an arse, but really... Driving is a tough responsability and if he drove his own car, there are a lot of care, maintenance, social responsability, decision making, etc skills that are implied. A hell of a lot more difficult than taking meds on time - all that involves is getting him a watch wtih multiple alarms, or getting some tech guy from the local computer store to put a "shutdown alarm & warning" on your boy's computer (assuming that's where he loses track of med times).

Missing his meds can't be all that bad - he's 23, and just diagnosed? - that it kills him if it should happen.

As for the rest of it; your therapist probably has a better idea (if shes any good) than we do of your full situation... and if sh'e's not suggesting what I did in my last post (One day for Mom to get out and pamper herself) then she's the worst therapist I've ever heard of.

I've stayed for 12 years, I've begged, pleaded, gone to counseling, read thousands of books, articles and tried all that I know. I have no problem loving my Aspie husband, this has to do with him stepping up to the plate and being a father to the son who is spiraling out of control and I need him to help me...but until he gets himself he will never accept his Aspie son. This isn't about him being Aspie...it's about taking responsibility. I'd feel this way if he were not an Aspie. I'm sorry you feel Aspies get the short end of the stick...in my home that is not the case.

He has had three accidents, speeding and been on probation...in my opinion should not be driving and no support from dad on this one. His last car he didn't take care of until he ran it into the ground and had no car until he was able to purchase a new one and now has to be reminded to take care of it or the same thing will happen again. Then his Dad will just let him use the truck and he never learns. He is also OCD and so he spends his money, eats in excess and basically this house is in crisis.

Thank you for your response i know what you are saying...I wish you all could tell my husband, none is saying anything I haven't already. Imagine my frustration.

22NT moved out because it was all too stressful, 19NT doesn't stay home for this reason so that leaves me with 3 on the AS spectrum and the easiest one is the most exterme with Autism and Epilepsy. I thank you so very much for your suggestions.

I have no great advice but this....

If he does well income-wise, if dealing with the home issues is taxing, would a house servant help? He is who he is. He can't really change enough to be a different person, but if you need him to be more supportive in ways a maid/butler/etc. could, perhaps hiring someone to help out and take some of the load off you will do much to resolve the issues?

thank you no this isn't the problem, I'm very organized and I've pretty much eliminated anything in our home that is high maintenance just for this reason. We really can't afford house help and I use the daily and weekly tasks as life skills support for our 19Autistic child.

It's our 23Aspie and my husband who are really taxing me at this point.

thank you again

Then take the 19NT and 22NT out to dinner some night. They know some of the hell you are going through, and will deffinitely make a good sounding board for any ideas you have, and will maybe back up your ideas to leave Poppa.

At which point, you can tell them that you really don't want to, but that you are about to collapse; can they come home once a week and take you out / have an NT day together (because you know they are family, you know they understand your situation, and you know the family situation prevents and has prevented the relationship you wanted to have with these two).

Set up a "date night" with these two kids. Then go home and have a face to face with dear old dad. With an Aspie you have to tell us the BLUNT truth: we often miss hints and indicators, and flowery bulls#$%.

Poppa. I'm to the breaking point, and I'm serious. I can't live like this any more; you need to step up and help me out. Once a week - [sundays] - I'm going to go out and spend the day with [Marley and Darlene] and regain my composure. If we can't arrange this, I'm just going to break, and everything is going to land on your plate. Forever. Here is a list of [Jimmy's] meds and times he must -MUST!- take them, so this [sunday] you can handle that while I go out.

Because you've already arrranged it with the other two kids, this is an immutable plan, an immobile object, an unstoppable force: You ARE going out on [sunday] and if poppa interferes with that, or argues about it, then you bloodywell know what you have to do.

Sorry Poppa. You're an adult and it's time to listen to your wife.
Sorry Wife: It's time you learned that an Aspie needs to be told things blunt and no nonsense, because (like I said before) we often DON'T catch all the flowery bs in "hint hint" speech, and often don't realize that there is a problem in the marriage until it's spelled out for us.

If you can't follow through on this plan. Or are scared to. Or have tried in the past and it has failed... Get yourself into assertive communications training. Trust me it helps.

(it'll also help the ASD members of your family if you can get them into such programs - made a HUGE difference for me in understanding the requirements of even small talk communication functioning)


(I may be coming off as a bit more aggressive than assertive here, but that's intentional: It's time to do something before you lose your mind.)

Another sad case of NT and AS breaking up. NTs should only be with NTs and Aspies should only be with Aspies.

NTs do not understand Aspies. Aspies do not understand NTs. We live in two different worlds.

I agree completely with this. There is no reason you should have to baby a 23 year old Aspie who can fake NT well enough to escape a diagnosis for years. Especially one who can drive.

I have to agree with your husband. Let your son fend for himself and he will, in fact, grow out of it. Hell, if I could stay home and play video games all day and know that my needs would always be met, better believe I would never have left the house.

I function perfectly well on my own, now. Better than some NT's. It took a lot of time for me to devolop ways that let me do that, and it didn't happen because I chose to do it or I reached some set age where I was magically an adult - it happened because I had to learn in order to survive.

I made mistakes, but that's how I learned. If you always protect someone from their mistakes they never will - NT, Aspie or whatever else.

He's not so smart that he fakes being an NT he is this complex that no one knew what bucket to put him in so they gave NOS to 32 different disorders...I'm in no way baby this young adult what I am doing is expecting him to do for himself. He REFUSES TO DO ANYTHING. I realize it's hard to asertain from a post a person's life but this 23 yr old falls in the 2nd% of understanding daily living skills, and is falling in a communication range of 12-14...at 23 did your mother have to explain what a bootie call from a girls was? Did you spend all your money on people just to get them to like you? Did you run your car into the ground because no matter how many times reminded to check the oil, change the fluids you just plain didn't do it and the car just stopped working and the cost of repairs were beyond his financial means to fix...oh this is when we found out he was spending every dime he had...because why we were treating him like he was a responsbile 23 yr old who could manage money and do all that a 23 yr old should do, he lacks more than social skills.

No. But at 19, yes.

No. I spent all my money on books and spent my lunchhours reading them in hidden places until the bell rang and all the bullies had gone inside. At 23. when I moved out of the house I started spending all my money on a girl - not because money was buying me love, but because she convinced me to let her move in and started buying a wider bed, a new couch, pets and pet toys....

Yes.
Repeatedly.
Until I was 25 and my dad stopped buying me cars and paying my insurance.
I haven't had a car since, and failed to renew my license. I haven't been legally allowed to drive since I was 27. Incidently, I think it was for the best, considering my driving record.

Ps- I didn't know what the F$#% was wrong with me until I was 32. That's when I came across the truth about ASDs and realized I'm sane! Thank god almighty. My parents never bothered trying to get me (or themselves) help. Which is the only thing I hold against them.

What he needs is a job.

What he needs is someone to show him the costs and responsabilities of living on his own. The job = social contact + his own money... and maybe a chance to move out someday. I was a virgin until I was 23, if that's something else you're worried about (and it sounds like you might be) and I turned out decent. I never even had a date until I was 21. It doesn't make me less human.

Push him out into the workplace - stop subsidizing his video games (if you are) or his driving, or his anything except basic food and shelter. I wouldn't say this for all Aspies, but for yours (who seems a lot like me) I do.

Last edited by OddFiction on 25 Jul 2011, 8:36 am, edited 1 time in total.