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kotshka
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 10, 2011
Age: 28
Posts: 550
Location: Prague
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 Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 1:57 pm Post subject: |
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Sorry for the long post. I haven't had anyone to talk to about this and I guess I really need to get it out. I'm in a really bad place and I'd appreciate any help or advice anyone could offer. Thanks.
I have AS and I think I might have bipolar disorder too. I never considered it before because I misunderstood what mania is, but now I've learned a bit about it and it seems it might explain a lot.
I was in therapy for 14 years, from age 5 to 19, but no therapist ever caught on to my AS or gave me a better diagnosis than "depression" or - incorrectly - depersonalization disorder.
I've suffered from depression and insomnia pretty regularly since I was way too young (insomnia from 5, depression from about 8 or so). I was generally dismissed as "wanting attention" and faking depression to get it. I was also always getting yelled at for being lazy because I was constantly fatigued. During university I finally had the ability to do something about it myself and got a prescription for antidepressants. I believe the first one was celexa, and I don't remember what the second was. I took each for about a month (years apart from each other) and they only made me worse. I quit each after a month and the negative side effects (sexual and sleep-related) took nearly a year to go away. I swore off pills completely and decided to deal with my problems without the help of some quack psychiatrist.
Years later I discovered AS and most of my problems were explained. I figured I'm stuck with depression the rest of my life but it's often affected by the seasons so I figured for each winter I get through, I will get a "reward" of happy times in the spring and summer, and I finally have enough good friends that I have a support system when I really need it.
My "up" times I never considered might be mania, but after what I've read recently it seems they might be. I've been told I act a little crazy during these times - talking rapidly, loudly, and endlessly, constantly fidgeting, and just sort of over-the-top. I always just thought it was because I'm so rarely happy, and when it happens I can't imagine *not* being happy - everything in the world is just so beautiful and amazing. I get these huge rushes of creativity and all these amazing ideas, but I can never focus long enough to really do anything about them. It was never a problem and certainly it was a lot better than depression though, so I looked forward to these rare times and enjoyed them while they lasted.
Recently things have been changing. It's been about six and a half weeks now. I had a really terrible experience recently (I won't go into the details now) that left me completely shattered (and lost me almost all of my support system). Everything I believed in was suddenly false and I lost touch with reality. I started thinking I was going insane, or that maybe I was schizophrenic (a fear I had when I was younger as well). At one point I thought I had died somehow and was just an empty shell walking around faking it without being capable of feeling at all. Then I started to feel like my consciousness was splitting, that my old self had been locked away deep inside me and all these other parts of my personality were trying to take over, fighting for control. It wasn't that I heard voices, but I could "hear" my thoughts coming from many different and separate parts of my consciousness, and they were always fighting and trying to make me do different things (all of them bad ideas). For the first time in my life I experienced rage, and it wouldn't stop. My brand new and very expensive computer gave me a minor error a few weeks ago and I nearly smashed it. The only way I could stop the insanity in my head was to cause myself physical pain. My wall took a bit of a beating many times (it won though - you can never win against a brick wall). I nearly injured my cat, who only wanted to play, and I found myself having to fight the urge to hit the kids at the preschool I work at. I certainly hope I would never actually hurt them, but it's still scary that the thought even entered my mind (it never has before). I haven't slept properly since all this started. Sometimes I try to go to bed but all I can do is roll around and bang my head against the wall. Sometimes I don't bother and just stay up way too late. I feel dead tired every morning when I have to get up, but by afternoon I'm wide awake and I can't sleep the next night.
Simultaneously I've been deeply depressed. I have all this restless energy and can't sit still, but I also can't seem to get any exercise. I can't even get up most of the time. If I want something on the other side of the room I can't make myself walk over and get it. The weather has been gorgeous but I've just been lying around playing video games and watching movies. My apartment is a disaster. I haven't washed any dishes I didn't immediately need, there's piles of junk everywhere, it's just disgusting. But I can't bring myself to do anything about it.
I knew something was really wrong when at a party I consumed a substance that floods your brain with seratonin and makes you feel happy (no judgment or lectures please, it's not even illegal where I live and I'm experienced enough with it to know how it works and how to use it safely) and even though I was very "high" I still felt depressed. That shouldn't be possible.
I guess maybe this is a "mixed state"? And far more extreme than anything I've ever experienced. I'm ready to rescind my hatred of pills if I can find something that works, but I know I need to find a good, experienced psychiatrist to help me with this. One with experience with autism in addition to bipolar disorder (or whatever else might be wrong). The only thing I can't find an explanation for is my permanent fatigue. Even when I'm irrationally happy I never stop feeling tired. It's to the degree that I considered for a while that I might have narcolepsy. Sometimes I just get overcome and can hardly keep my eyes open - suddenly and without warning, even in the middle of work. Caffeine does nothing against it. It's very rare that I really feel like I have energy. Can this be explained by autism somehow? Does it mean I can't be bipolar? The rest seems to fit. And if it gets worse over time when left untreated, as I've been reading, then maybe that combined with my bad experience might explain how it would suddenly start to cause delusions/hallucinations? |
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qwan
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Jan 02, 2012
Age: 21
Posts: 194
Location: Great(!) Britain
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| Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 5:20 pm Post subject: |
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| kotshka wrote: |
Recently things have been changing. It's been about six and a half weeks now. I had a really terrible experience recently (I won't go into the details now) that left me completely shattered (and lost me almost all of my support system). Everything I believed in was suddenly false and I lost touch with reality. I started thinking I was going insane, or that maybe I was schizophrenic (a fear I had when I was younger as well). At one point I thought I had died somehow and was just an empty shell walking around faking it without being capable of feeling at all. Then I started to feel like my consciousness was splitting, that my old self had been locked away deep inside me and all these other parts of my personality were trying to take over, fighting for control. It wasn't that I heard voices, but I could "hear" my thoughts coming from many different and separate parts of my consciousness, and they were always fighting and trying to make me do different things (all of them bad ideas). For the first time in my life I experienced rage, and it wouldn't stop. My brand new and very expensive computer gave me a minor error a few weeks ago and I nearly smashed it. The only way I could stop the insanity in my head was to cause myself physical pain. My wall took a bit of a beating many times (it won though - you can never win against a brick wall). I nearly injured my cat, who only wanted to play, and I found myself having to fight the urge to hit the kids at the preschool I work at. I certainly hope I would never actually hurt them, but it's still scary that the thought even entered my mind (it never has before). I haven't slept properly since all this started. Sometimes I try to go to bed but all I can do is roll around and bang my head against the wall. Sometimes I don't bother and just stay up way too late. I feel dead tired every morning when I have to get up, but by afternoon I'm wide awake and I can't sleep the next night.
Simultaneously I've been deeply depressed. I have all this restless energy and can't sit still, but I also can't seem to get any exercise. I can't even get up most of the time. If I want something on the other side of the room I can't make myself walk over and get it. The weather has been gorgeous but I've just been lying around playing video games and watching movies. My apartment is a disaster. I haven't washed any dishes I didn't immediately need, there's piles of junk everywhere, it's just disgusting. But I can't bring myself to do anything about it.
I knew something was really wrong when at a party I consumed a substance that floods your brain with seratonin and makes you feel happy (no judgment or lectures please, it's not even illegal where I live and I'm experienced enough with it to know how it works and how to use it safely) and even though I was very "high" I still felt depressed. That shouldn't be possible.
I guess maybe this is a "mixed state"? And far more extreme than anything I've ever experienced. I'm ready to rescind my hatred of pills if I can find something that works, but I know I need to find a good, experienced psychiatrist to help me with this. One with experience with autism in addition to bipolar disorder (or whatever else might be wrong). The only thing I can't find an explanation for is my permanent fatigue. Even when I'm irrationally happy I never stop feeling tired. It's to the degree that I considered for a while that I might have narcolepsy. Sometimes I just get overcome and can hardly keep my eyes open - suddenly and without warning, even in the middle of work. Caffeine does nothing against it. It's very rare that I really feel like I have energy. Can this be explained by autism somehow? Does it mean I can't be bipolar? The rest seems to fit. And if it gets worse over time when left untreated, as I've been reading, then maybe that combined with my bad experience might explain how it would suddenly start to cause delusions/hallucinations? |
First off, and probably off topic, if you swore of drugs you'd not be seeing a psychiatrist. Did you mean psychologist?
Psychologists are the helpful ones in my experience; psychiatrists definitely are weird.
Anyway, it could easily be a mixed state.
My psychology lecturer suggested that depression and mania could be sub-categorised into whether they make you more or less anxious. And that mania is like a more anxious mood, you might be more jittery and feel the constant need to do anything even if you don't consciously feel anxious.
Of course, depression can be like that too.
I think that kind of mixed state is kinda what I get and it feels like you get the anxious side of (in my case hypo)mania as well as the anxious side of depression.
I'd talk to your drs if you have any.
If you do have something other than unipolar depression, that might explain why the meds didn't work for you. But be prepared for Drs to try to make you take anti-downers for longer first to 'rule out' normal depression and say, aggravation, stress etc in addition.
Some depressed people are just very angry and I do think one can experience several types of depression at any time.
Like I think, and other professionals seem to agree, that it's highly likely I have more than one depression, perhaps SAD as well as cyclothymia or something. In which case you could have the seasonal one, like you mentioned, but as this one isn't linked to the season by what we can tell, it might be a kind you haven't had before; one that makes you feel rage, for the first time.
I rarely get rage, but the odd depressive spell does cause it, so I know how weird it is when it happens out of character, but that kinda goes with the package when it's mental ill health. =/
I would suggest talk therapy at least, if you haven't got it, obviously you need to talk about this, but people on the internet can only do so much.
Perhaps your Drs might be able to refer you to some talk therapy or a group place where people with similar things get together? (I don't know what they'd be called, I don't think we have such things near here, but you, by posting in here, are showing a possible interest in talking to others with similar problems).
I hope the uncomfortable feeling you have goes soon. it is certainly horrible. |
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kotshka
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 10, 2011
Age: 28
Posts: 550
Location: Prague
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| Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 5:45 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for the response. I did swear off medication but at this point it's so bad that I'm prepared to try pills again if it helps. Especially since I don't have the time or money for a lot of regular therapy, and I need immediate results so I can keep doing my job well (responsible for 20 kids average age 4)... But I'm not interested in antidepressants - I've had my bad experiences with those! I don't want more. I have some valium and occasionally I take half a pill when I absolutely have to sleep, and it works very well, but valium is habit-forming and not good for depression, so I don't want to keep taking that. I've heard about Lithium but don't know much about it. I know there's others too but I need to talk to an expert (or I'm interested in hearing what other people use).
I know I need to see a doctor but that's my other problem - I don't have a doctor of any kind in this country and my insurance doesn't cover psychological treatment except "emergency" treatment (ie suicide attempt or something), and I'm pretty broke. It will also be difficult to find a doctor here (Prague) who speaks English, has experience with these disorders, and doesn't cost a fortune. That's why I'm looking at the internet first for more information, so I don't waste any time or money trying things that won't work.
This rage is really horrible. This sort of "voice" in my head is trying to persuade me to punish the people in my life who have hurt me even though I know they didn't mean it and it's really no one's fault, but the "old me" locked away inside and not allowed out still has enough power to stop me from hurting anyone else. So the only way to make it stop is to hurt myself. It's only a matter of time before I break my hand on the wall. I can't sit still and I can't sleep even though I can feel how exhausted I should be. Tried drinking some cheap (bootleg) alcohol but still not helping. Just fighting the cat (he's kicking my ass, which is good in this case) and fidgeting and writhing around in strange ways while dishes and laundry wait to be done, my head is full of creative ideas but I can't do anything but watch movies, play video games (even that not for very long), talk to imaginary fiends (who are now imaginary enemies), and write all my psychological issues to strangers on the internet. :/
Hm.. When I write it all down like that it seems I might be even more messed up than I realized. On the other hand, I kind of do realize it, which might be the worst part. |
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qwan
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Jan 02, 2012
Age: 21
Posts: 194
Location: Great(!) Britain
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| Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 6:47 pm Post subject: |
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Psh if you ask me a lot of 'normal' behaviours when said bluntly as you did sound messed up, so don't think you're going insane or anything. You're just hurting right now and your brain and body are trying their best to deal with it.
Have you ever tried meditating. At the risk of making you roll your eyes, I started going to a near by Buddhist centre recently and I find it's helped with my sleeping issues. I had sever insomnia for a few years that just kept getting worse, and of course the sleep deprivation can cause more hallucinations, confused thoughts and lack of grounding in reality than normal. It does just suck for your mood in general too, so anything to help you relax if possible.
If you're using the computer a lot instead of sleeping it might help to download F.lux, which just changes the brightness of your screen as it normally mimics the sun, and at night you shouldn't be looking at something like that. It dims the lighting around sunset which helps your body maintain or reset it's normal patterns for sleeping. (If I'm being too vague let me know.)
And the meditation I've been doing is done outside of buddhism, but came from it. It is otherwise known as Mindfulness, and they teach it to many people with mental health issues such as anxiety, phobias, depression etc.
In a way it's a therapy itself, as you are focusing on yourself, your feelings or body and just allowing yourself to be as you are. In that calmer state you can find out more about yourself, it's like having a slightly clearer mind to be able to go, 'oh maybe that's a trigger' or something.
It really does help, even if it's just giving you 5 minutes of time to shut up obsessive thoughts, or a bit of time to relax (which is what it started as for me but with F.lux and meditation and naps whenever I felt drowsy, instead of fighting it, my sleeping is pretty much normal, with less naps each time).
I think the best thing would be to focus on, or keep an eye on your sleep and how it impacts on your mood. It may be more within your control, and altering your sleep may be powerful in helping alleviate some of your current mood problems.
I suppose you already know this, but I can't stress enough that worrying too much abou lack of sleep is probably the worst thing. Having naps whenever I could, and seeing it as a treat and a thing to reassure me I'll function tomorrow if I don't sleep that ngiht was the first step to getting slightly better sleep, and I'd tried everything you possibly could, so didn't think something so simple and natural would help. =/
If you wanted any information on the Mindfulness I'm doing I believe I can send you some information.
I'm not confident in saying anything regarding Drs as over here we have the NHS so things work very differently to over there. =/
But are there any free services for people with mental health problems? Support groups? Volunteer places or phone lines? or advice centres?
I just can't believe people need to pay for a chance to live normally, it's disgusting.
Hang in there. |
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kotshka
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 10, 2011
Age: 28
Posts: 550
Location: Prague
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| Posted: Sat May 26, 2012 7:00 pm Post subject: |
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I tried meditating many times, and many different kinds. I was never able to do it at all, and the frustration of being unable increased my anxiety and made me feel even worse. I'm just not able to monitor, organize, calm, or control my thoughts in any way, and even trying to physically sit still for any amount of time is like torture. I also tried yoga, with similar results. I think I need something more active. A friend once recommended Kung Fu, but I haven't gotten around to finding an English-language teacher and don't really have the time and money right now to start it.
There are probably plenty of free services, but only in the Czech language, and my Czech is absolutely horrid and not nearly good enough for something like this.
Starting yesterday afternoon I started writing down my emotional state a few times per hour (or whenever I noticed it changing). I was very surprised by the results. Normally if someone asks me how my week or even day was, I can't remember. I only remember feeling however I feel at the moment. I've never monitored the changes in my mood and I'm shocked the way it changes: suddenly, drastically, without warning and without any hope of control. My mood at any moment seems to reflect my current situation directly, with no influence from even just minutes before. Does this sound like what you guys experience when you're manic? Does anyone have any suggestions (aside from medication) on controlling these moods - is it even possible? I've tried but it's like trying to block a tidal wave by standing in front of it.
The good news is that my rage and aggression seem to have reduced considerably. Looking over my notes I realize I did have a few bad (but short) periods, but nothing like what I was experiencing even just a week ago. The "voices" in my head have faded away and I only have the restlessness and inability to focus now. I even had some euphoria and most of today I felt pretty good (or at least not bad). So maybe this awful period is finally ending and I can get on with my life...
Also, on the topic of sleep. Aside from it taking hours for me to actually get to sleep (been a problem since I was 5), I also have problems during sleep. I don't seem to get any sort of deep sleep. I start dreaming even before I fall asleep and continue even after waking up, and no matter what time I wake up or how long I've been asleep, I'm always interrupting a dream (I have loads of the more interesting ones written down). I've never had the chance to go to a sleep lab but I suspect I don't get any of the deep sleep you're supposed to get between the REM cycles, which might explain my neverending fatigue problem. Even when I'm absolutely restless I still feel tired/sleepy and have to be careful to stay away for my bed or I'll spontaneously want to lie down and it's hard to get back up, even when I'm twitching and banging my head against the wall with restlessness.
Last edited by kotshka on Sat Jun 02, 2012 7:49 am; edited 1 time in total |
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aeroseth2k
Emu Egg
Joined: May 29, 2012
Posts: 2
Location: Camden, NJ
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| Posted: Tue May 29, 2012 11:54 pm Post subject: New here, BP type 2 |
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Not 100% sure if Aspie, maybe 90%. But I was DX'd with BP II in 2006. I'm not really employable. Was laid off from my job 5 months ago, started being self-employed as an independent distributor for a direct sales company trying to get that off the ground. My life is just a mess in general.
Anyway, hi everyone.
Seth |
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nolan1971
Toucan
Joined: May 13, 2012
Age: 41
Posts: 290
Location: Gainesville FL
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| Posted: Wed May 30, 2012 10:28 am Post subject: Reply |
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My bi-polar cycles several times a day anywhere from dark depression to absolute insanely happy.
I love the happy part since it seems fair compensation for all the lousy symptoms!
Lithium has helped a great deal and improved my sleep pattern.
Anyone else get times of insane bravery? When nothing scares you at all?
I usually take advantage of it and do all the things including social I would usually avoid.  |
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lostmyself
Deinonychus
Joined: Dec 05, 2011
Posts: 331
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| Posted: Wed May 30, 2012 5:32 pm Post subject: |
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| Its insane when I am on a high. I do so many things sometimes the consequences of which I later regret and dread. |
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turquoise457
Emu Egg
Joined: Jun 01, 2012
Posts: 7
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| Posted: Fri Jun 01, 2012 3:04 pm Post subject: |
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Hi everyone.
I have struggled with Bipolar Type 2 for many years, and am just now coming out of a very bad mixed episode. One good thing that came from it is that my psychologist suggested that I have some of the traits of Asperger's (difficulty forming social relationships, shy), so I've been reading up on it to learn coping methods. It's been a relief to find that there are people like me out there who just don't seem to fit in. There is a great book by Rudy Simone called Aspergirls: Empowering Females With Asperger's Syndrome. She says that bipolar disorder is the most common comorbid diagnosis with AS for women. |
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aeroseth2k
Emu Egg
Joined: May 29, 2012
Posts: 2
Location: Camden, NJ
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| Posted: Fri Jun 01, 2012 10:42 pm Post subject: |
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Hi Turquoise, thanks for telling us a little about yourself.
Seth |
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turquoise457
Emu Egg
Joined: Jun 01, 2012
Posts: 7
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| Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2012 11:41 pm Post subject: |
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Hi Seth, thanks for the welcome. Sorry things are so stressful for you right now.
Turquoise |
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jamie1973
Emu Egg
Joined: Jun 06, 2012
Age: 40
Posts: 1
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| Posted: Wed Jun 06, 2012 10:51 pm Post subject: Hi |
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| TeaEarlGreyHot wrote: | I keep going up and down. Just when I feel calm and I think I'm going to get a break, it starts all over again.
I'm exhausted. |
I have just joined !(its 3.37am)... your 25 word sentence means nothing more than it reads to joe publicwould! 'just fed up'.. in fact its the perfect title to a 1000 page book pened over a 6 week period in my case and probably yours, It breaks a little bit away each time you start over! normally for me the ups are to much and it always ends in tears.. i have a wife and kids and they being 'sane of mind' all they want is something normal. my condition is waisting away the one thing they have that i dont.. that one chance you get at making the most of life.. |
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Michellen2008
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jul 17, 2012
Age: 24
Posts: 51
Location: Kentucky
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| Posted: Tue Jul 17, 2012 11:47 pm Post subject: |
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| Michelle here, new to wrong planet, have aspergers, bipolar, ADHD and and anxiety, diagnosed with all by a psychiatrist with experience when I was 16. Am 24 now, have one girl 4 on the spectrum and a 3 year old developmentally delayed. |
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lostmyself
Deinonychus
Joined: Dec 05, 2011
Posts: 331
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| Posted: Wed Jul 18, 2012 2:54 pm Post subject: |
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| This morning I felt like I was finally coming out of my depression and I had to go do it all over again. My over-active quixotic imaginations have long faded away and I feel more pain now. I've failed at the only thing I ever wanted in life so badly that nothing seems to work for me anymore. I'm still hoping that someday I'll be able to come out all of this. Its so hard to live with lack-of-motivation to do anything when infact I was a very creative person in the past. I've tried so many things that only seem to depress in the long run rather than help. I'm tired of all of this. |
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J-Greens
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 20, 2011
Posts: 669
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| Posted: Thu Jul 19, 2012 6:42 am Post subject: |
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I was just wondering, did any of you just randomly email psych's for assessments or what?
I've like, composed this email that doesn't go into any detail but is patchy because I don't know if it's a good thing, or if I trust them, or if it goes to some receptionist or somebody else, but contains the message with a lot of fluff to like build a better picture, sort of? I really don't know if it's a good idea or something, but it's like I'm heading down a dark path once again. Do you think I should send it, or delete it? Ugh. |
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