hyperlexian
loves the man who typed too much and ran outta spa
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 Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 10:44 pm Post subject: |
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well, rabbittss, i do not believe it is possible to find out if you are compatible in a bar based on whether a person laughs at a Monty Python joke, for example. the alcohol and other substances, the noise, the crowds, the distractions...
it's not "settling" to give someone more of a chance than that.
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hyperlexian
loves the man who typed too much and ran outta spa
Joined: Jul 22, 2010
Age: 41
Posts: 21990
Location: with bucephalus
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| Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 10:47 pm Post subject: |
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| AScomposer13413 wrote: | | hyperlexian wrote: | | AScomposer13413 wrote: | | hyperlexian wrote: | | i didn't say it's easier to have a viable long term relationship or to find love, but women don't necessarily need to have confidence in order to have men pursuing them. |
While your statement is true, I think that The Face of Boo is countering this point by saying the double-standard in some cultures lies where men have to be the confident ones since they're the ones doing the pursuing. Based on that, it's hard to stomach the "just get some confidence" advice given, even though it might be the one thing to close the experience gap, so to speak. |
there are double standards for women too - men are simply not expected to put as much time and effort into their appearance, nor are they judged on their appearance as harshly. nobody really has it "easier" in dating. |
I was referring to more the concept of the chase in a relationship rather than double-standards as a whole, but your point still stands nonetheless. Hum...just noticed there was one of your posts I wanted to directly reply to, hyperlexian, but I think there might be too many posts in-between  |
i prefer the chase, myself, but i do know what you mean. hopefully this will change with time, and mroe women will approach men - then confidence will more likely be a requirement for them too. and men will have to spend more time preening. 
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hale_bopp
All Kinds of Freak
Joined: Nov 03, 2004
Age: 28
Posts: 14841
Location: New Zealand
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| Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 10:56 pm Post subject: |
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| rabbittss wrote: | | hyperlexian wrote: | | rabbittss wrote: | | hale_bopp wrote: | | rabbittss wrote: | | hale_bopp wrote: |
I don't understand why you complain about the reasons people reject you when you're just as bad. |
Yup Yup, I'm clearly just as bad for rejecting people I have no hope with in a relationship due to different socio-economic status, different interests, different intelligence and different worldview as people who reject me when we have all those things in common, or more in common. 
Whatever helps you sleep at night. |
So clearly you assume people who are your ideal type are dick heads for not giving you a chance? Why should they? Maybe you aren't theirs. |
That's fine. It doesn't mean I can't still resent them for it. |
it's hypocritical. also your behaviour is resulting in fewer dating opportunities and is ultimately making you unhappy. since you have some control over that, it makes no sense for you to decry women's behaviour towards you.
if you were doing everything you could do in order to successfully date women yet were rejected for shallow reasons, your complaints would be logical and you would find that people are more sympathetic to you. |
That's fine, I accept the judgement. If I wanted a date so badly I was willing to take anything I could get, I could go to town right now and have a girlfriend inside of a half an hour. But she'd be nothing to me, with no ability to ever have her be anything to me. I'd be settling and accepting the judgement that I was desperate. But I'm not going to settle. It wouldn't be fair. If I settle, then as soon as something better came along I'd ditch the one I'd settled on since I wouldn't be in an honest relationship in the first place.
If I settle then I'm not being fair to myself either, since I'm conceding that I can't do any better, which I know isn't true.
Furthermore, I don't consider "Not having anything in common" to be a shallow reason not to date some one. This is the heart of the matter. I find women all the time that I have nothing in common with, who are interested in me. But all the ones I find who are interesting to me, and with whom I share a great deal of common interests.. they always only want to be friends, or are dating some one else who is just like me except faster off the chalks. |
They obviously don't share the philosophy of wanting to date people who share their interests.
The Monty Python thing is shallow, sorry. It's extremely shallow. If she doesn't know it, can't you offer to introduce her to it? Maybe she will turn out to be a fan. When I read that you said that I have no surprise that you have trouble. You've set the standards too high as opposed to what you can offer.
I am geeky, and geeks don't do it for me. Should they?
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rabbittss
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Joined: Dec 30, 2011
Posts: 1348
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| Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 11:37 pm Post subject: |
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| hale_bopp wrote: |
They obviously don't share the philosophy of wanting to date people who share their interests.
The Monty Python thing is shallow, sorry. It's extremely shallow. If she doesn't know it, can't you offer to introduce her to it? Maybe she will turn out to be a fan. When I read that you said that I have no surprise that you have trouble. You've set the standards too high as opposed to what you can offer.
I am geeky, and geeks don't do it for me. Should they? |
The Monty Python thing was simply an example, not a set in stone litmus test. I've no problem with introducing some one to something they haven't been exposed to before. But I reference a tremendous number of pop-culture items in casual conversation. If they can't follow what I'm saying, then we aren't going to get very far. If they've only read one book in the last 2 years and it was a Nicholas Sparks, that pretty much dooms the venture too.
You aren't in a position to know what I can and cannot offer. I don't think I've set the bar to high at all, it isn't my fault that the people around me fail to live up to the same standards I set myself. If you are a geek but don't enjoy being around other geeks then well.. that's your issue. I don't enjoy being around non geeks and could never ever date a person who isn't geeky. We simply wouldn't have anything to talk about, and since that is the basis of all human interaction I'd say it would put us in a bad position from the outset. |
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mds_02
Skank
Joined: Sep 10, 2011
Posts: 1970
Location: Los Angeles
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| Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 3:37 am Post subject: |
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So many posts I want to respond to. I'll keep it short though.
The word confidence should be replaced with self-assurance.
Sorry, I'm having trouble putting what I mean into words right now, but I know that, in my experience, admitting to a girl that she makes me nervous usually turns out well.
Women don't necessarily like the guy with the "I'm the greatest thing ever" attitude. They do, however, tend to like the guy with the "I am who I am, like it or not" attitude (unless, of course, who he is is an as*hole). |
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hale_bopp
All Kinds of Freak
Joined: Nov 03, 2004
Age: 28
Posts: 14841
Location: New Zealand
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| Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 4:28 am Post subject: |
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| mds_02 wrote: |
Women don't necessarily like the guy with the "I'm the greatest thing ever" attitude. They do, however, tend to like the guy with the "I am who I am, like it or not" attitude (unless, of course, who he is is an as*hole). |
I agree. Being comfortable in your own skin is very important. I would take a comfortable beta male confident in his own skin than some alpha douche bag trying to hide a whole heap of insecurity.
| rabbittss wrote: |
You aren't in a position to know what I can and cannot offer. I don't think I've set the bar to high at all, it isn't my fault that the people around me fail to live up to the same standards I set myself. If you are a geek but don't enjoy being around other geeks then well.. that's your issue. I don't enjoy being around non geeks and could never ever date a person who isn't geeky. We simply wouldn't have anything to talk about, and since that is the basis of all human interaction I'd say it would put us in a bad position from the outset. |
Well, I'm simply looking at it from the position of someone looking as an outsider. You have high expectations, yet you can't manage to pull anyone.
Whose fault is it then? It's not theirs, or their problem.
I think you might be getting non-geeky mixed up with "boring" but then again, that's a whole other discussion.
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NarcissusSavage
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Age: 31
Posts: 657
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| Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 5:06 am Post subject: |
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There seems to be some interesting talk about confidence. People seem entirely too dismissive of just how powerful a force confidence is. Not only is it attractive to most prospective partners, it carries with it a general good vibe to everyone who wants, or needs to put value in you. Friends often prefer a confident friend, and not confident in a sense that they think they can do anything, or egotistical and a braggart, but the real confidence of accepting who and what you are for what it is, and the slow and steady progress of self awareness and improvement. Investors or employers want to feel they can rust you, and if you trust yourself, they are much more likely to do the same. Inner confidence can be had by anyone, of any creed, and fortune, any look, because it doesn't revolve around the external, it doesn't care how good you look or don't, it doesn't care how much money you have or what neighborhood you live in, it doesn't care how charming you can be or how smart you are. It is about accepting who you are, and staying true to yourself. Setting goals for your own sake and following through on them. This is where real self confidence comes from.
| Quote: | | Confidence isnt something you buy in the drug store. You cant just say "ill be confident" and actually be it. You need to have the external aspect to support your claims of confidence otherwise youre just pretending to be confident. |
Confidence based on the external is flawed, and only superficial. Confidence in oneself is not alterable based on the external, it is internal, and can be had by anyone who chooses to seek it.
| The_Face_of_Boo wrote: | I don't underestimate it, but I do break it down, confidence in any human being is not a one entity; it's per skill, or per setting.
As I said above a math nerd can be confident in his math skills yet can lacks the confidence in being smooth talker with girls; and vice versa.
When women here talk about confidence, they're actually referring to the social confidence (social-forwardness, easygoing, the charm, talking with others without hesitation or anxiety === things that aspies naturally lack).
1814 might be confident in dozen of things (his grades are A and B+) except when it comes to socializing. |
Your understanding of confidence is a bit flawed, there is internal confidence, confidence in oneself. This is not per setting, per skill. It applies to everything, for it is not determined by anything specific to the world beyond the mind.
Finding confidence in oneself despite external stimuli, will transcend any barrier. I highly recommend it.
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NarcissusSavage
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Age: 31
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| Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 5:19 am Post subject: |
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| The_Face_of_Boo wrote: | | MXH wrote: | | I agree and was going to mention that but decided i was getting enough flak as it was. |
You know, there's a certain double-standard culture in this.
Girls are encouraged to be as picky as they can, while on the other hand, guys are encouraged to be as broad in their picking as they can. You can see it everywhere in the media, forums, PUA materials, in magazines, even in the magazines for women where you might encounter advice_for_guys articles and even on this forum I recall users of both genders commenting how guys using online dating should message as much girls as they can.... |
This is simply a biology thing Boo. Think about it for a sec. What strategy works best in reproduction for which gender? If your goal is to have the most, healthiest, children as possible?
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DanRaccoon
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 14, 2012
Age: 25
Posts: 871
Location: England
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| Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 8:45 am Post subject: Re: I 'm so angry |
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| 1814 wrote: | All the girls in my class keep saying how much they love and how incredibly hot Justin Bieber and One Direction are, and because the can't 'get' them, they are all interested in the boys (2 or 3) who look like them.
No girl ever shows any interest in me, even though I keep getting A and B+ grades, I know more about more than everyone else in my class, and I certainly don't see my self as ugly.
Do you have any tips that can help a guy like me hook up with a hot girl? |
Don't let zoo animals like that get you down. Consider it a positive thing that people like that don't take an interest in you.
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rabbittss
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Joined: Dec 30, 2011
Posts: 1348
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| Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 12:12 pm Post subject: |
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| hale_bopp wrote: |
Well, I'm simply looking at it from the position of someone looking as an outsider. You have high expectations, yet you can't manage to pull anyone.
Whose fault is it then? It's not theirs, or their problem.
I think you might be getting non-geeky mixed up with "boring" but then again, that's a whole other discussion. |
I can't manage to pull anyone because I can go out week after week and never find anyone worth talking to. As I've said before. My problem is geographical. Not interpersonal. You'd think a college town like Athens/UGA would have some interesting women, but insofar as what I'm looking for you'd be wrong. I'm sure they exist.. they just aren't out in any places I know where to find them, they are home studying or writing papers or something.
But since the only thing the town has to offer is Bars, Bars and more Bars...
And of course non-geeky people are boring. Just like they all think I'm boring because I'm not into guns and cars. |
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hale_bopp
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Location: New Zealand
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| Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 2:41 pm Post subject: |
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| rabbittss wrote: | | hale_bopp wrote: |
Well, I'm simply looking at it from the position of someone looking as an outsider. You have high expectations, yet you can't manage to pull anyone.
Whose fault is it then? It's not theirs, or their problem.
I think you might be getting non-geeky mixed up with "boring" but then again, that's a whole other discussion. |
I can't manage to pull anyone because I can go out week after week and never find anyone worth talking to. As I've said before. My problem is geographical. Not interpersonal. You'd think a college town like Athens/UGA would have some interesting women, but insofar as what I'm looking for you'd be wrong. I'm sure they exist.. they just aren't out in any places I know where to find them, they are home studying or writing papers or something.
But since the only thing the town has to offer is Bars, Bars and more Bars...
And of course non-geeky people are boring. Just like they all think I'm boring because I'm not into guns and cars. |
If you don't find anyone worth talking to, it's your problem, not theirs. Just saying.
Non geeky people don't have to be boring. There is having different interests, and then being a "geek".
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rabbittss
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| Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 2:52 pm Post subject: |
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| hale_bopp wrote: |
If you don't find anyone worth talking to, it's your problem, not theirs. Just saying.
Non geeky people don't have to be boring. |
Sorry, no, If they have nothing interesting to say then that is their problem. The internet is awash with interesting things to learn and talk about. They simply choose to allow TMZ and MTV to dictate what they talk about.
They don't have to be, but they frequently are. But if we have nothing in common except we both convert oxygen into carbon dioxide then it's not going to do me any good talking to her is it? |
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hyperlexian
loves the man who typed too much and ran outta spa
Joined: Jul 22, 2010
Age: 41
Posts: 21990
Location: with bucephalus
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| Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 2:54 pm Post subject: |
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| rabbittss wrote: | | hale_bopp wrote: |
If you don't find anyone worth talking to, it's your problem, not theirs. Just saying.
Non geeky people don't have to be boring. |
Sorry, no, If they have nothing interesting to say then that is their problem. The internet is awash with interesting things to learn and talk about. They simply choose to allow TMZ and MTV to dictate what they talk about. |
they would have plenty of interesting to say... it's just not interesting to you. they may find you equally boring. 
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rabbittss
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Joined: Dec 30, 2011
Posts: 1348
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| Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 3:04 pm Post subject: |
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| hyperlexian wrote: | | rabbittss wrote: | | hale_bopp wrote: |
If you don't find anyone worth talking to, it's your problem, not theirs. Just saying.
Non geeky people don't have to be boring. |
Sorry, no, If they have nothing interesting to say then that is their problem. The internet is awash with interesting things to learn and talk about. They simply choose to allow TMZ and MTV to dictate what they talk about. |
they would have plenty of interesting to say... it's just not interesting to you. they may find you equally boring. |
Undoubtedly. And that is perfectly fine. But I felt as if I was being told I should talk to them anyway. |
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hale_bopp
All Kinds of Freak
Joined: Nov 03, 2004
Age: 28
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Location: New Zealand
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| Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 3:08 pm Post subject: |
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| rabbittss wrote: | | hyperlexian wrote: | | rabbittss wrote: | | hale_bopp wrote: |
If you don't find anyone worth talking to, it's your problem, not theirs. Just saying.
Non geeky people don't have to be boring. |
Sorry, no, If they have nothing interesting to say then that is their problem. The internet is awash with interesting things to learn and talk about. They simply choose to allow TMZ and MTV to dictate what they talk about. |
they would have plenty of interesting to say... it's just not interesting to you. they may find you equally boring. |
Undoubtedly. And that is perfectly fine. But I felt as if I was being told I should talk to them anyway. |
Not at all.
You don't have to talk to them. What I was trying to say is you seem to think it's everyone else's fault but your own.
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