Ethedrial
Emu Egg
Joined: Mar 13, 2012
Age: 25
Posts: 3
Location: United States
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 Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 3:54 am Post subject: |
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I can relate to everything you've described. Also, I'm going to go ahead and apologize for my wall of text. I don't do it on purpose, but it's sort of my trademark. 
I have a hard time turning acquaintances into friends and usually wait for people to make friends with me (instead of the other way around), but somehow I managed to find myself a NT husband. He is both a gift and a crutch for me in social situations. While he's not a very empathetic person, he is trying more and more to understand why I act the way I do and what he can do to help. He first made friends with all of the friends I have now. If I worry that something I said was taken the wrong way, or if I don't know how to interpret the way someone acted, I ask him. He's a crutch because I use him to order food for me, call customer service, and bring up subjects with friends that may be sensitive (usually I just imagine they would be sensitive topics when they're not). While I realize this doesn't help you in your current situation (you said you had no one to practice eye contact with), it does partly answer the question posed in the thread title.
I have been hurt a lot in the past by people that I trusted, all because I acted "weird" socially. That's what taught me to not speak, always worry about what people think about me, and second guess everything I want to say, but all that is wrong. People worth being friends with don't act that way, those were just insensitive, self-centered adolescents. I have learned that, for the most part, NTs don't go over what someone said, how they said it, and what they meant by the words over and over in their heads long after the words have been said(though flirting situations are probably different, but in another way). They just roll with the conversation and interaction. If something I say bothers them, I can pick up on more obvious cues or they may bring it up and I can fix it then, but other than that there's not much to be done besides staying away from politics, religion, and other touchy subjects. Knowing this, I still replay conversations constantly and edit what I want to say three or four times before I say it, but sometimes I do it less. 
Eye contact: I taught myself how to do this a while ago. You say it still makes you anxious. Start off looking near the eyes (right under the eye, bridge of the nose, corner of the eye, as close as you feel comfortable) or try unfocusing your eyes a bit so you don't feel like you're looking straight into someone's eyes. Once you start to feel anxious, even just a bit, drift your gaze off to the side, maybe resting somewhere just behind them or on their ear. Once you start to feel more easy, you can drift your gaze back to the eyes or around the eyes. Most NTs drift their gaze and come back to the eyes while talking anyway. I read a thread on this site earlier where someone said he felt comfortable looking a person in one eye, but not both. Like millymollymandy said, practicing on cashiers is a good idea. That is actually how I practice(d) greetings, with which I still don't feel completely comfortable.
Again, sorry for the wall of text. I hope it helps you more than it annoys you! 
_________________
Female; Self-diagnosed Asperger's in 2011, but only after extensive research and self evaluation.
Aspie Quiz Results: 139/200 Aspie, 74/200 NT
Last edited by Ethedrial on Wed Mar 14, 2012 11:40 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Pandora_Box
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 13, 2010
Age: 25
Posts: 1273
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| Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 4:01 am Post subject: |
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| I'm here with you on this one. It's hard being awkward and odd because it makes you feel weird. People already make me feel weird enough, but combine that with feeling awkward and weird in you're own skin and you have a pretty shaking social setting. I always ended up saying the weirdest stuff because I was nervous, anything to hold unto a conversation. As a kid it be a simple statement out of the blue out of nowhere and nothing related to what people were talking about such as "the sky is blue" just that clear statement. And people just thought the heck was wrong with me and would ignore me. Now as an adult, I feel awkward. Like I don't have the right timing, I don't know if I am continuing a conversation on to long at the cashier. Like today I go to get my credit card out of my wallet, but realize I put my card in a different wallet pocket, I apologize I must have put it in the wallet pocket, they laugh say they do it all the time, I said yeah it's annoying, then I slid the card and paid for my stuff and said let me put this in the right pocket since I'm here. But I think the conversation was over after I paid. I feel so awkward in social situations, like a bumbling idiot. |
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kahlua
Deinonychus
Joined: Apr 16, 2008
Posts: 344
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| Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 5:42 am Post subject: |
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I'm exactly the same as the OP. As soon as I walk out the front door, I feel like I'm on display and everyone is watching out ready to critique me, and make fun of me if I make a mistake.
Work is very tiring, as I'm constantly rehearsing responses in my head, making sure that I'm looking happy, trying to make the right body language, watching other people very intently to see if I've made a mistake.
Even driving to and from work, I'm worried that I might be holding up traffic, or won't be able to get into the correct lane to exit the fwy, waited too long for a gap to turn etc.
I end up exhausted at the end of the day.
Psychs are a waste of time - they just tell you to go and be social, put yourself in a social situation out of your comfort zone and after a while, it won't be so bad. WRONG. Its always bad.
The anxiety does work for me though, because I can almost pass as an NT. A slightly weird, reserved, shy person, but I doubt anyone would even consider ASD. |
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Joe90
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 24, 2010
Posts: 8422
Location: Great Britain
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| Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 10:19 am Post subject: |
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I have severe social anxiety. I keep thinking that I'm the spotlight all the time, that I'm a living joke, and everybody notices me and they laugh at me or comment something about me, like I'm the most quaint person in the world. That makes me feel like I'm worse than everybody else, and that I shouldn't be out. I look in the mirror and see just an ordinary-looking 22-year-old, and wonder what it is that is so noticable. People look at me like I'm some ogre with two heads, and it just disturbs me. Another part of social phobia is ''feeling like everybody's watching you'' or ''fear of doing tasks with strangers watching or judging you'', and this is exactly me. This is why I'm afraid to go out on my own and do things like going shopping. It's because I think I'm always in the spotlight, always noticed, always being stared at, always the figure of ridicule, so I'm afraid to do things like get stuff off the shelves, push the trolley along, and pay at the till (especially using the self-service check-out). I just think everybody's watching me, and just taking notice of me and me only, always thinking ''oh there's a very amusing girl over there.....she's doing normal tasks in a normal way but there's something about her what is making me want to stand and stare at her.....oh, and what's she doing now? Oh dear, she dropped a packet of carrots, what a clumsy oaf! And oh, now she's putting another packet of carrots into her trolley......oh what has she got in her trolley? Pfft, she's in the third aisle and only has a few small items in her trolley, what an idiot she is, why couldn't she have got a smaller trolley or a shopping basket? And, oh, she's bending down to get something off the bottom shelf but can't find what she's looking for.....oh, she's found it now, it was right in front of her, what a knob! Somebody, put this weirdo out of her misery!'' .........and so on. That's what I think people are thinking of me all the time. The paranoid thoughts are non-stop. Even if I tell myself they're not judging me or noticing me, doubt still creeps into my mind. I try not to make much eye contact with people, I try to just concentrate on my own thoughts and what I've come into the supermarket to do, just like everybody else, but that still doesn't stop negative thoughts from taking over my mind.
It takes over my mind so much that it's making me rather ill. Then I think ''oh come off of it, they can't all notice me like that, I know I'm not THAT outrageous, I'm not dressed in a clown custome or have quaint looks and have a bizarre way of walking and talking and doing things!'' but then I think, ''but what if they ARE all staring at me? What if I look so weird that it's noticable?'' I don't want to be noticed by everyone. I feel like their eyes are burning a hole in my face, and I can't seem to do anything without knowing that somebody's watching me. It creeps me out. NTs don't like being stared at (according to WP), so why stare at me? Shouldn't they know that I feel the same way they would if they got stared at, if they have so much empathy......
(NTs have empathy....heh heh, yeah right!) 
It's really ruining my independance.
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Real gender: Female
From: East UK
Age: 23 |
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Maerlyn138
Velociraptor
Joined: Nov 03, 2005
Age: 41
Posts: 476
Location: The Island of Misfit Toys
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| Posted: Fri Mar 16, 2012 4:10 am Post subject: |
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I find myself rehearsing scenarios in my head all the time in anticipation of being asked a question, being acused of something, spontaneous woman approaching me. I have to admit that a lot of my mental resources are taken up by this and I wish I could stop it, but I think it's hard-wired in to me!
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We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.
Aspie score: 159 of 200 NT score: 64 of 200
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TheHouseholdCat
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 01, 2012
Posts: 667
Location: Berlin, Germany
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| Posted: Fri Mar 16, 2012 6:53 am Post subject: |
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| rabbitears wrote: | | I'm always missing bits in conversations and stuff because I'm always thinking of the "right" response, and I am always delayed in my reactions. |
I do that a lot, too. Often people think I did not get the question. Which would be scenario B. How to tell someone you didn't get what they just said. It's always embarrassing to ask again. I do that a lot as well.
Hm, I tend to avoid social situations. Which doesn't help at all.
I still need to find a way to be able to deal with it.
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EXPANDED CIRCLE OF FIFTHS
"It's how they see things. It's a way of bringing class to an environment, and I say that pejoratively because, obviously, good music is good music however it's created, however it's motivated." - Thomas Newman |
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BruceCM
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 09, 2009
Age: 38
Posts: 520
Location: Exeter, England
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| Posted: Fri Mar 16, 2012 7:08 am Post subject: |
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I also 'avoid' socializing, as it can't be agreed for any time at all, where I live, what that's supposed to mean. I will not keep doing the same things the same way & expecting different results, like that isn't foolish & stupid, no matter how much some irrational idiots insist it's 'negative'. Then, removing the anxiety does not address anyof the difficulties about which I'm anxious, does it? Perhaps I just can't get enough out of socializing (nor put enough in) to justify the incredible amount of effort & so on required, when I can choose not to do it.
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The answer to the question "what is the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything" is - what is the question!?
I'm not mad, it's everybody else!
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namaste
Enigmatic Charismatically Odd
Joined: Apr 15, 2011
Posts: 1883
Location: Hindustan
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| Posted: Fri Mar 16, 2012 7:39 am Post subject: |
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| pat2rome wrote: | | pat2rome wrote: | | I have actually been able to overcome this social anxiety. |
Further proof of this: this morning I got in the elevator with two very cute girls from class that I hadn't talked to before. Took my headphones off and made successful small talk until we walked into the classroom. |
Making small talk is OK but taking it from there and concluding into friendship and making it work is difficult
most of the time things get worse or the interaction ends there
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The only thing right in this wrong world is
WRONG PLANET |
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millymollymandy
Blue Jay
Joined: Jan 14, 2012
Posts: 77
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| Posted: Fri Mar 16, 2012 2:41 pm Post subject: |
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| namaste wrote: | | pat2rome wrote: | | pat2rome wrote: | | I have actually been able to overcome this social anxiety. |
Further proof of this: this morning I got in the elevator with two very cute girls from class that I hadn't talked to before. Took my headphones off and made successful small talk until we walked into the classroom. |
Making small talk is OK but taking it from there and concluding into friendship and making it work is difficult
most of the time things get worse or the interaction ends there |
I just can't make that step from small talk to friendship, much as I want to. I just can't seem to open up to people the way they expect. Plus I don't have children, unlike many women of my age, so I feel even more of an outsider.
I have found that one way of coping with social anxiety is to take little steps forward, and aim to make slow but steady progress. That may mean making eyecontact with the cashier, or smiling back at someone who smiles at you as you pass them in the street.
I find that websites like WP are great - they enable you to start being a bit more social, in a safe environment - another way of addressing social anxiety. The Random Discussion forum is well worth a look - you can start by posting comments on threads such as What have you been listening to today. You've already made a big step forward by joining the WP community, so why not explore it a bit more? That's what I'm currently doing anyway  |
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richardbenson
my mirror shows black
Joined: Oct 31, 2006
Posts: 14536
Location: Leave only a footprint behind
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| Posted: Fri Mar 16, 2012 3:24 pm Post subject: |
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I had a panic attack in the shower like a week and a half ago about dying. the steam in the room made the expieriance all the more terrifying because it feel like my breath was leaving my body, i litterly had to get out soaking wet and put my head between my knees to change the subject. then i resumed my day without further incident
anxiety is a ruthless b-tard sometimes but what is the alterative? take meds and gain weight like a whale? 
no thanks.
sorry, i read the title wrong so ignore my post. 
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Winds of clarity. a universal understanding come and go, I've seen though the Darkness to understand the bounty of Light |
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Joe90
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 24, 2010
Posts: 8422
Location: Great Britain
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| Posted: Fri Mar 16, 2012 5:31 pm Post subject: |
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My social anxiety is so bad that I actually have dreams of people watching me and judging me! Some nights I wake up thinking there is somebody standing or sitting in my room looking at me, and I'm laying there panicking and thinking ''oh no, I don't want strangers looking at me in bed....''
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Real gender: Female
From: East UK
Age: 23 |
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namaste
Enigmatic Charismatically Odd
Joined: Apr 15, 2011
Posts: 1883
Location: Hindustan
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| Posted: Fri Mar 16, 2012 7:52 pm Post subject: |
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i have decided not to get socially involved its a rather rocky road for me and damages my psyche more
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The only thing right in this wrong world is
WRONG PLANET |
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Downtown
Blue Jay
Joined: Jun 10, 2010
Age: 25
Posts: 75
Location: U.S.A.
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| Posted: Sat Mar 17, 2012 12:13 am Post subject: |
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| One thing that really helps me is exercise, specifically running several miles. |
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Kiseki
I just ran out of Band-Aids
Joined: May 30, 2010
Age: 33
Posts: 1604
Location: Osaka JP
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| Posted: Sat Mar 17, 2012 12:22 am Post subject: |
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TBH I drink. When I drink I find it much easier to fit in. If I can't drink I just sit off by myself and wait for someone to approach me. I don't know how to deal with large social situations when I'm not drinking.
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Your Aspie score: 161 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 55 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie |
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GumbyLives
Phoenix
Joined: May 31, 2010
Age: 52
Posts: 768
Location: LV-426
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| Posted: Sat Mar 17, 2012 1:52 am Post subject: |
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I totally relate. After 30 years of working on it, I'm better now at social stuff and can usually fake what I need to without trauma. The other day, though, I had to do a one-on-one social thing at a bar with a coworker who's higher up the work ladder than I am. Even though this person is probably technically a friend by now, and "all" we did was chit-chat (my coworker did 90% of it, as I kept sensing I was saying stupid things but not knowing it) I was filled with anxiety through most of it (even though I had two alcoholic drinks), having trouble maintaining eye contact, etc. I think I faked my way through it good enough, but it was really painful and exhausted me clear into the next day.
I went the first time thinking I'd be fine. If I get invited again though I will be in a panic, anticipating anxiety before I even get there.
Total pain.
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I would rather have my liver pecked out by a giant crow than spend a day at the mall. But I'd pay money to see a giant crow eat a mall.
Your Aspie score: 155 of 200 * Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 49 of 200 * You are very likely an Aspie |
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