nolan1971
Toucan
Joined: May 13, 2012
Age: 41
Posts: 290
Location: Gainesville FL
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 Posted: Tue May 15, 2012 3:41 pm Post subject: Response |
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| Absolutely! I had one of the most happy experiences in high school of all the people I know including NT's. I never had that many friends before. I met my future wife in my freshman year and 2 of my best friends who are more like brothers to me. I enjoyed it so much I actually got depressed when I graduated. |
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rosewood
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Apr 10, 2012
Posts: 40
Location: UK
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| Posted: Thu May 17, 2012 3:48 am Post subject: |
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| Khyrean wrote: |
Even the ability to fake social skills doesn't contribute much, I think - you're just acting in a social play. No one stares at you, and the like, but that's it... |
This provoked much thought. I agree that it is acting in a social play ... but having a significant speaking part, if one may see it in that way, does help to maintain a kind of engagement with people that on the whole makes life more workable ... at least that's how I find it.
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AQ 43, EQ 9, SQ 117, Aspie 153 /200, NT 56/200, Mind in the Eyes 23, BAP: aloof 121, rigid 99, pragmatic 90, diagnosis 8 |
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Khyrean
Blue Jay
Joined: May 08, 2012
Posts: 92
Location: London
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| Posted: Thu May 17, 2012 5:06 am Post subject: |
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| rosewood wrote: | | Khyrean wrote: |
Even the ability to fake social skills doesn't contribute much, I think - you're just acting in a social play. No one stares at you, and the like, but that's it... |
This provoked much thought. I agree that it is acting in a social play ... but having a significant speaking part, if one may see it in that way, does help to maintain a kind of engagement with people that on the whole makes life more workable ... at least that's how I find it. |
Oh, yes, definitely, it makes things easier. What I meant was the "social" aspect. It doesn't contribute much to getting something out of a social conversation in terms of enjoyment or whatever it is that makes others seek out social gatherings - at least that is my impression.
If the people around me are not my closest friends I don't have the feeling I get any positive... erm... energy... or so, out of an interaction. How some people can apparently even relax and unwind at a party is a total mystery to me.  |
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rosewood
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Apr 10, 2012
Posts: 40
Location: UK
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 3:23 pm Post subject: |
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| Khyrean wrote: | | rosewood wrote: | | Khyrean wrote: |
Even the ability to fake social skills doesn't contribute much, I think - you're just acting in a social play. No one stares at you, and the like, but that's it... |
This provoked much thought. I agree that it is acting in a social play ... but having a significant speaking part, if one may see it in that way, does help to maintain a kind of engagement with people that on the whole makes life more workable ... at least that's how I find it. |
Oh, yes, definitely, it makes things easier. What I meant was the "social" aspect. It doesn't contribute much to getting something out of a social conversation in terms of enjoyment or whatever it is that makes others seek out social gatherings - at least that is my impression.
If the people around me are not my closest friends I don't have the feeling I get any positive... erm... energy... or so, out of an interaction. How some people can apparently even relax and unwind at a party is a total mystery to me. |
Oh, yes ... exactly the same experience here 
_________________
AQ 43, EQ 9, SQ 117, Aspie 153 /200, NT 56/200, Mind in the Eyes 23, BAP: aloof 121, rigid 99, pragmatic 90, diagnosis 8 |
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Senath
Deinonychus
Joined: May 17, 2012
Posts: 357
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| Posted: Sun May 20, 2012 12:43 pm Post subject: |
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| Khyrean wrote: | I think that is possible if you can compensate the lack of intuitive social behaviour with analytical and rational patterns. You can learn cues and behaviour patterns - they're to a great extent regular and repetitive - and apply them in similar situations. Theoretically....
That's how I do it, anyway; I am rather good at small-talk and I can get along with anyone because I adapt my replies to what I think they want to hear and I developed most of my verbal eloquence through reading.
But it's really, really tiring and exhausting for me. I assume, however, you wouldn't notice except that I talk less and less if the conversation takes longer than half an hour. By that time I just don't have the resources to make all those analytical conclusions necessary for me to act socially.
But until then, I doubt anyone would notice anything except that I look into empty space instead of their face.
I only do that when I'm forced into social situations though. I'm finishing my second year at university and I know one other student by name, there... I avoided all group-work assignments and, by now, it seems I successfully discouraged everyone from speaking to me. They're probably surprised that I am such a nice, funny and charming person when I'm in a situation where I can't evade interaction.
Sometimes I wish I could not fake it - that became somewhat of an automatic process - because then they would just categorise me as weirdo and leave me alone. |
I'm OK at small talk but usually just for a few minutes, if that. It's just too exhausting usually. It helps a lot if the other person is very socially adept, because they know how to lead the conversation. I get input coming from the other person/s and then don't know what to do with it.
I've taken lots of classes on social interaction and interpersonal relationships and sociology and cultural anthropology but often I forget what I've learned when I'm in the moment.
On a positive note, yesterday I did an entire conversation with the clerk at the grocery store! And it was all completely "small talk" conversation, too! I even think it's what you would consider flirting. When I was a teenager my mom offered me $100 to flirt with someone and I never did it because it seemed so absurd and unnatural a thing to do. |
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Senath
Deinonychus
Joined: May 17, 2012
Posts: 357
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| Posted: Sun May 20, 2012 1:01 pm Post subject: |
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It is frustrating that I can appear so socially normal when it's such an internal struggle. I did it so well though that no authoritative figures in my life saw red flags growing up (except for my mom who dismissed them, but she had blinders on because I was her "perfect child").
I'm reminded of kindergarten. My kindergarten teacher gave my mom three or four "see spot run" early-reader books because she said I couldn't read and was going to fall behind. It surprised my mom because at home I was already reading things like The Secret Garden. I didn't realize that I was supposed to be reading out loud like the other kids were apparently doing, but for me once I realized that there were a lot of social things I was missing, I knew to be on the lookout for signs that I was missing things.
It's impossible to catch all of those subtle things, but it's enough to avoid some of the potential negative attention. |
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JanuaryMan
Aspierational
Joined: Jan 02, 2012
Age: 28
Posts: 2545
Location: Hants, UK
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| Posted: Sun May 20, 2012 1:36 pm Post subject: |
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Yes, it's possible 
_________________
"A man is but the product of his thoughts - what he thinks, he becomes." - Mahatma Gandhi |
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ZX_SpectrumDisorder
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 25, 2012
Posts: 1608
Location: Ireland
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| Posted: Sun May 20, 2012 2:42 pm Post subject: |
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I do alright, although Asperger's is new to me. I was diagnosed about 4 weeks after I found out what it was, earlier this year.
I used to view most people as boring sh** talking nusiances... and I still do. I don't see AS as a burden at all and can buy and sell most 'normalz' in social situations. I'm glad of a late diagnosis, maybe I might have indulged myself and 'given in' if I found out earlier. I did see myself as different, just not in a negative way. |
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The-Raven
Phoenix
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Joined: May 01, 2011
Posts: 762
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| Posted: Mon May 21, 2012 7:27 am Post subject: |
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| ZX_SpectrumDisorder wrote: | I do alright, although Asperger's is new to me. I was diagnosed about 4 weeks after I found out what it was, earlier this year.
I used to view most people as boring sh** talking nusiances... and I still do. I don't see AS as a burden at all and can buy and sell most 'normalz' in social situations. I'm glad of a late diagnosis, maybe I might have indulged myself and 'given in' if I found out earlier. I did see myself as different, just not in a negative way. |
Have you ever questioned your diagnosis seeing as you always did so well without it? |
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ZX_SpectrumDisorder
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 25, 2012
Posts: 1608
Location: Ireland
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| Posted: Mon May 21, 2012 12:34 pm Post subject: |
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| I don't question it because I have been forced to learn everything I know. The more I understand about AS, the more things in my life and in my past, make sense. |
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NicoleG
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 26, 2011
Age: 36
Posts: 661
Location: Dallas-Fort Worth
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| Posted: Mon May 21, 2012 1:03 pm Post subject: |
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| The-Raven wrote: | | ZX_SpectrumDisorder wrote: | I do alright, although Asperger's is new to me. I was diagnosed about 4 weeks after I found out what it was, earlier this year.
I used to view most people as boring sh** talking nusiances... and I still do. I don't see AS as a burden at all and can buy and sell most 'normalz' in social situations. I'm glad of a late diagnosis, maybe I might have indulged myself and 'given in' if I found out earlier. I did see myself as different, just not in a negative way. |
Have you ever questioned your diagnosis seeing as you always did so well without it? |
I'm curious why you asked this question. Why is "did so well" being equated with questioning one's diagnosis? |
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The-Raven
Phoenix
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Joined: May 01, 2011
Posts: 762
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| Posted: Mon May 21, 2012 3:30 pm Post subject: |
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| NicoleG wrote: | | The-Raven wrote: | | ZX_SpectrumDisorder wrote: | I do alright, although Asperger's is new to me. I was diagnosed about 4 weeks after I found out what it was, earlier this year.
I used to view most people as boring sh** talking nusiances... and I still do. I don't see AS as a burden at all and can buy and sell most 'normalz' in social situations. I'm glad of a late diagnosis, maybe I might have indulged myself and 'given in' if I found out earlier. I did see myself as different, just not in a negative way. |
Have you ever questioned your diagnosis seeing as you always did so well without it? |
I'm curious why you asked this question. Why is "did so well" being equated with questioning one's diagnosis? |
well I question my diagnosis and Ive never worked or had friends so I thought someone such as he who has worked had relationships and friendships must be bound to question it. |
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NicoleG
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 26, 2011
Age: 36
Posts: 661
Location: Dallas-Fort Worth
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| Posted: Mon May 21, 2012 11:12 pm Post subject: |
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| The-Raven wrote: | | NicoleG wrote: | | The-Raven wrote: | | Have you ever questioned your diagnosis seeing as you always did so well without it? |
I'm curious why you asked this question. Why is "did so well" being equated with questioning one's diagnosis? |
well I question my diagnosis and Ive never worked or had friends so I thought someone such as he who has worked had relationships and friendships must be bound to question it. |
It's interesting how this ties back in with the original post of this thread. People can learn to adjust and learn to fit in, yet still know that there's most definitely something different inside that doesn't fit with everything else. No matter how much I correctly fit in with a group, I have always been on the outside looking in. Analyzing social groups well enough that I could chameleonize* myself didn't get rid of the ongoing idea that I felt like I was being a chameleon to begin with. I fantasized that I must have been the only chameleon-like person in the world, and I was so good at it no one would ever detect me - until someone finally called me on it and called me a sociopath for how I was "manipulating people into liking me." It seriously hurt that all that trying to fit in was viewed as me being a manipulative ... well, my detractor has called me all sorts of names. I personally didn't seek psychological help, but mostly because I know what I did wrong. I didn't need someone else to psychoanalyze me. I didn't disagree with being called out on it, but I couldn't quite wrap my brain around why I had been doing this my whole life in the first place. I spent the better part of a year researching myself in a very brutally honest way, and reading anything and everything I could get my hands on regarding social interactions until I finally came across The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, and I started crying while reading the first two chapters.
There came a point when I needed to find myself. Perhaps if I went straight to a psychologist and got professionally diagnosed prior to all of my own research I might question it, as another person in the forums I've been posting with has been doing. As it is, though, I don't question that I have found myself, and that's perhaps the most important aspect of it for me. I've gone my whole life questioning what I was doing and why, but because of the positive results I never thought all that deeply on it. I've always had friends and boyfriends and good jobs - what was there to really question? Now I have answers that make sense. Now I feel like I can be myself, because now I know who myself really is. (Now I might actually be able to keep a boyfriend for the right reasons.  ) To me, (self-) diagnosis was about finding myself and having answers.
I imagine the next question would be, "Could this be another chameleon mask that I've learned to wear?" I won't deny that that could be a possibility, but I see that as such a ridiculously slim possibility I can't even fathom it. At no other time before did I ever feel 100% comfortable in my own skin, no matter which group I was interacting with. The only time I felt comfortable was when I was home, alone, and not plotting and planning and worrying about what other people were thinking of me. For once, all of that has mostly disappeared. The voices in my head constantly calculating how to be and how to act are finally starting to abate. Every so often I question it, but then I find that I'm only questioning it because other people don't want to believe it and want to make me feel bad for it. Not all of my friends are like this, and I've found that it's only a couple people that I really need to get away from due to their own negativity and personal issues.
*Yeah, yeah. Not a real word. Suck it, online dictionary, I'm using it anyway.
Last edited by NicoleG on Tue May 22, 2012 12:15 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Senath
Deinonychus
Joined: May 17, 2012
Posts: 357
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| Posted: Mon May 21, 2012 11:47 pm Post subject: |
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| Well said, NicoleG. I don't care how well I've managed up to this point in my life, it doesn't change how well I relate to the cognitive processing that goes on with someone who has Asperger's, and how much more sense things make when I view myself in that light. I haven't been formally diagnosed yet (I need to find an autism/Asperger specialist) so I have for the past few weeks been almost constantly pondering about Asperger's and whether I'm right or wrong, but for almost every thought of doubt I have, I seem to be able to counter it and/or find greater evidence supporting a positive diagnosis. |
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JanuaryMan
Aspierational
Joined: Jan 02, 2012
Age: 28
Posts: 2545
Location: Hants, UK
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| Posted: Tue May 22, 2012 2:11 am Post subject: |
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| ZX_SpectrumDisorder wrote: | | I don't question it because I have been forced to learn everything I know. The more I understand about AS, the more things in my life and in my past, make sense. |
The same applies to me. And Nicole has put it better than I could.
_________________
"A man is but the product of his thoughts - what he thinks, he becomes." - Mahatma Gandhi |
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