Shadewraith
Sea Gull
Joined: Nov 20, 2011
Age: 27
Posts: 223
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 Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2012 9:37 pm Post subject: |
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| Inyanook wrote: | Ah, okay. Sorry, I should have realised that was what you meant.
Out of curiosity, is your fiancee aware of these fantasies that you have?
It could be that I'm asking too many questions, now. Please let me know if I'm being too nosy; I'm just interested. |
Actually I enjoy answering them. Could be the narcissism in me  . She does not know about my fantasies and I wouldn't tell her because she wouldn't understand. I've told her everything else and we've had quite a few disagreements about how I'm being treated and what being an aspie means. She's the type of person who thinks they know about something, but has never done their research. Example being "There's no scientific evidence that a cucumber is made up of more than 90% water". You can see how frustrating that might get when I tell her the symptoms of being an aspie. Do you think someone like her could see someone who has sadistic fantasies and a borderline antisocial personality as not evil?
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TheSunAlsoRises
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Joined: Dec 02, 2011
Posts: 1039
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| Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2012 9:37 pm Post subject: Re: Sadism - How far does our lack of empathy go? |
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| Shadewraith wrote: | I'm beginning to admit to myself that I'm sadistic. At first, I thought it was PTSD combined with my lack of empathy from being an aspie. But I think it goes a little deeper than that. I desire to hurt people. When I'm worked up, I look at videos and pictures of people suffering (terrible car accidents, torture, death, etc.) and it actually calms me down, makes my heart rate and breathing slower. I have sadistic thoughts all the time.
Now, I don't think about hurting the ones close to me, like my best friend or my fiancee. And I couldn't imagine hurting my cats (or any cats for that matter), but everyone is fair game for my sadistic fantasies. I put myself into positions where I'd have to retaliate or where I cause two people to get into physical confrontations. The thought of controlling people like puppets or watching them writhe in agony is satisfying to me.
Is this a lack of empathy gone too far? Do other aspies have these types of thoughts? I've brought it up to my doctors on several occasions and they seem to ignore it. When they do, I imagine jumping off of the couch, pinning their face to the ground, and yelling "I need help!" into their ear. Since they're useless when it comes to this, I now ask the WP community, is sadism a symptom of something, is it something other aspies experience, or am I just evil? I don't believe I'm a psychopath or a sociopath because I do care about (very few) people and animals. Some people might think I'm narcissistic, but I don't. I've never had any major problems with the law and I'm certainly not charming.
If you need more information in order to give me a suggestion, feel free to ask. |
You are an Aspie, dude. The problem IS that looking at videos and pictures of people suffering has become your special interest. It relaxes YOU( your own words). Bottom line, IS THAT when you get stressed out or upset instead of grabbing a box of legos or a math book or a paint brush, etc you look at visuals of people suffering. All this behavior does IS reinforce any angry or vengeful thoughts already present in you.
You need help........ending your special interest.
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Shadewraith
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Joined: Nov 20, 2011
Age: 27
Posts: 223
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| Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2012 9:42 pm Post subject: Re: Sadism - How far does our lack of empathy go? |
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| TheSunAlsoRises wrote: | You are an Aspie, dude. The problem IS that looking at videos and pictures of people suffering has become your special interest. It relaxes YOU( your own words). Bottom line, IS THAT when you get stressed out or upset instead of grabbing a box of legos or a math book or a paint brush, etc you look at visuals of people suffering. All this behavior does IS reinforce any angry or vengeful thoughts already present in you.
You need help........ending your special interest.
TheSunAlsoRises |
That's a really great point. I never thought of it like that. You know, I've always thought about going into medicine to become a coroner or something. That would kind of be like embracing my special interest, no?
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Inyanook
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Joined: Apr 14, 2012
Age: 19
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| Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2012 9:52 pm Post subject: |
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| Shadewraith wrote: |
Actually I enjoy answering them. Could be the narcissism in me . She does not know about my fantasies and I wouldn't tell her because she wouldn't understand. I've told her everything else and we've had quite a few disagreements about how I'm being treated and what being an aspie means. She's the type of person who thinks they know about something, but has never done their research. Example being "There's no scientific evidence that a cucumber is made up of more than 90% water". You can see how frustrating that might get when I tell her the symptoms of being an aspie. Do you think someone like her could see someone who has sadistic fantasies and a borderline antisocial personality as not evil? |
Well, I'm glad you don't mind! I've always been a wee bit too curious for my own good.
Is... that cucumber example real? That just sounds too bizarre to be pulled out of nowhere.
But, yeah, I understand that. I know I've had bad experiences explaining my social issues to people; I can't imagine what it would be like explaining your kind of situation to someone I'm close to. It can only really make people judgmental, I suppose.
SunAlsoRises? You make a bloody good point there. That sounds pretty plausible, to my ears.
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Shadewraith
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Age: 27
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| Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2012 10:05 pm Post subject: |
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| Inyanook wrote: | Well, I'm glad you don't mind! I've always been a wee bit too curious for my own good.
Is... that cucumber example real? That just sounds too bizarre to be pulled out of nowhere.
But, yeah, I understand that. I know I've had bad experiences explaining my social issues to people; I can't imagine what it would be like explaining your kind of situation to someone I'm close to. It can only really make people judgmental, I suppose.
SunAlsoRises? You make a bloody good point there. That sounds pretty plausible, to my ears. |
Yes, it was real. We had the discussion today. I'm always left with a red hand shaped mark on my forehead whenever we talk about science.
But what can I do with this 'special interest'? How do you change it? I get bored with everything else.
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Inyanook
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| Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2012 10:28 pm Post subject: |
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| Shadewraith wrote: | | Yes, it was real. We had the discussion today. I'm always left with a red hand shaped mark on my forehead whenever we talk about science. |
Oh my goodness, that is facepalm material if I've ever heard it.
| Shadewraith wrote: | | But what can I do with this 'special interest'? How do you change it? I get bored with everything else. |
I've done a little bit of reading and Googling, and unfortunately most advice is child-oriented.
This being said, there are some relevant bits and pieces. Largely, the advice given is to channel it into a related, but less inappropriate area. Unfortunately I've absolutely no idea what would be an appropriate related area in this instance — but you did raise medicine, and that is an interesting one. Understand that this would involve lessening the your exposure to the violent imagery that would usually calm you down and relax you — and because of that I would be careful attempting to do anything about it by yourself without consulting a mental health professional.
You should raise this with your doctor — and perhaps he'll be able to help you find something and work toward that. I imagine it would take a lot of effort, and certainly it would not be easy, but I don't believe it would be impossible.
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Shadewraith
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| Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2012 10:33 pm Post subject: |
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I agree, Inyanook. The problem is that I've changed interests so many times in my life. First it was music (still a hobby of mine), then I was in school for architecture, now I'm in school, but taking a break, from computers. I was doing really well with the computer thing, but it got so boring. Like to the point that I can't even read about it. I'm not being challenged enough. I also have over $10,000 worth of debt from this bogus online school that I was in. I'm an adult, unable to work at this time because I can't drive due to my violent thoughts. If I bring this up to my parents, I know for a FACT that they won't support me. They've already paid so much for me to go to school. There's no way in hell they would support me going into medicine. Not only that, but even if I were working during the day, how would I be able to make it to classes and complete them in 4 years? Then I have to do 4 years of residency. Not to mention I suck at focusing on reading and anything that isn't directly related to my interests. I also fear that, a week or two down the road, I'll have a new favorite interest. That's not to say that my sadistic fantasies haven't always been a keen interest of mine, it's just that what I want to do with my life changes drastically all the time.
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Inyanook
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| Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2012 10:50 pm Post subject: |
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| Shadewraith wrote: | | I agree, Inyanook. The problem is that I've changed interests so many times in my life. First it was music (still a hobby of mine), then I was in school for architecture, now I'm in school, but taking a break, from computers. I was doing really well with the computer thing, but it got so boring. Like to the point that I can't even read about it. I'm not being challenged enough. |
Ah, yeah. This has been an issue for me before. I'd get bored and screw around and do nothing because the work wasn't challenging enough to involve me.
| Shadewraith wrote: | | If I bring this up to my parents, I know for a FACT that they won't support me. They've already paid so much for me to go to school. There's no way in hell they would support me going into medicine. |
What about pursuing it as an intellectual interest, rather than an academic one? Or would that lack the challenge?
| Shadewraith wrote: | | That's not to say that my sadistic fantasies haven't always been a keen interest of mine, it's just that what I want to do with my life changes drastically all the time. |
Hurm. Certainly not an easy situation. In the end it might come down to a bit of forcing yourself, and some self-control.
I don't think I'm able to say much more other than that I think you should bring it up with your doctor — which I wish you much luck with. I'd be very interested to hear how it goes.
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Shadewraith
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| Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2012 10:56 pm Post subject: |
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I see him next Thursday. I'd be more than happy to send you a PM and let you know what he thinks.
I wonder if I were to study medicine just from an intellectual perspective, through books and talking with other doctors, if I'd be able to test out of some of the classes required and save myself some money. Medicine would be a nice career and it's just as needed as a computer security specialist. The thought of cutting into a body, even if it's to help them, gets me excited. Maybe I can take this weird interest of mine and make it work in my favor.
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Inyanook
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| Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2012 11:06 pm Post subject: |
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| Shadewraith wrote: | | I see him next Thursday. I'd be more than happy to send you a PM and let you know what he thinks. |
I'd love it if you would! Thank you.
| Shadewraith wrote: | | I wonder if I were to study medicine just from an intellectual perspective, through books and talking with other doctors, if I'd be able to test out of some of the classes required and save myself some money. Medicine would be a nice career and it's just as needed as a computer security specialist. The thought of cutting into a body, even if it's to help them, gets me excited. Maybe I can take this weird interest of mine and make it work in my favor. |
Yes!
That lack of squeamishness that you have would very much work in your favour when it comes to medicine, and it would enable you to turn it into something productive. It does sound pretty ideal, and at the very least it gives you something to focus on and work toward.
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UnLoser
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Joined: Mar 29, 2012
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| Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2012 11:44 pm Post subject: |
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...Shadewreath, please don't kill me, but the thought of putting a patients life in your hand scares me a bit.
I'm not kidding, if you can't get your violent thoughts under control, then being a doctor probably isn't the best idea. |
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Inyanook
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| Posted: Sun Apr 22, 2012 12:04 am Post subject: |
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| UnLoser wrote: | ...Shadewreath, please don't kill me, but the thought of putting a patients life in your hand scares me a bit.
I'm not kidding, if you can't get your violent thoughts under control, then being a doctor probably isn't the best idea. |
That is a legitimate concern, but a good part of this is about learning to control his violent thoughts and channel his interest in this area into a better place.
Becoming a medical professional takes a very long time, and there's no harm in taking it up as an intellectual interest. With the help of his doctor and a new area to focus on, combined with effort and self-control, one would hope that his actual sadism lessens and he takes on the medical focus instead.
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Shadewraith
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| Posted: Sun Apr 22, 2012 12:12 am Post subject: |
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| UnLoser wrote: | ...Shadewreath, please don't kill me, but the thought of putting a patients life in your hand scares me a bit.
I'm not kidding, if you can't get your violent thoughts under control, then being a doctor probably isn't the best idea. |
First of all, I wouldn't kill you for making that comment as it wasn't an insult to me. Secondly, you're right to be concerned. If I was a surgeon, I may be tempted to "slip" during a delicate procedure. I feel it would be too easy to make it look accidental. But if I were to be a doctor, I would probably be a coroner. That way, I would be surrounded by death and my job would be to find causes of death. It would be interesting to see how a killer takes a victims life. Plus, there would be no patient interaction, in a manner of speaker . The other option is a psychiatrist as I like the idea of being able to get into someone's head.
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Inyanook
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| Posted: Sun Apr 22, 2012 12:20 am Post subject: |
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| Shadewraith wrote: | | First of all, I wouldn't kill you for making that comment as it wasn't an insult to me. Secondly, you're right to be concerned. If I was a surgeon, I may be tempted to "slip" during a delicate procedure. I feel it would be too easy to make it look accidental. |
Yes... but the repercussions would be immense. Just because it's a job-risk does not mean that the usual ramifications don't apply.
But yeah, no. Surgery is a little bit too close to your fantasies to be a realistic goal.
| Shadewraith wrote: | | The other option is a psychiatrist as I like the idea of being able to get into someone's head. |
Have you considered taking on psychology or psychiatry as an intellectual interest? Forensic psychology sounds like it would be exactly your kind of thing — maybe have a look into that?
It's also important to bear in mind that you should be looking to move from unhealthy obsession to healthier obsession, and this does entail self-control on your part.
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Shadewraith
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| Posted: Sun Apr 22, 2012 12:58 am Post subject: |
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But where would I start? Buy some biology and chemistry books and start with the science? I really find the coroner job more appealing, doing autopsies and whatnot. I can just picture myself doing autopsies, figuring out how some guy died while listening to my music and enjoying the time alone. It just sounds like so much fun.
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