Kissing "goodnight" at the end of the first date

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Wrong Planet Autism Forum Index -> Love and Dating

ZX_SpectrumDisorder
Phoenix
Phoenix

Joined: Feb 25, 2012
Posts: 1608
Location: Ireland

Posted: Wed May 02, 2012 12:08 pm Post subject:

CrinklyCrustacean wrote:

ZX_SpectrumDisorder wrote:

It all really depends on the circumstances of the date and how it came about. Has a friend set you up with someone you've only met once or twice? Is is it with someone you've grown to know over time from say... work? Is it someone you've met online and chatted to without meeting?

Oh, I don't have a date lined up. It's more of a "When it happens" approach. I don't want to reach that point and then the evening falls flat because I don't know what to do at the end.

That's what I meant. There are different approaches appropriate to the circumstances. Say for instance, it was someone you grew to know over time and you both decided to see each other, then THE HYPERLEXIAN APPROACH is perfectly fine. If it's someone you don't know and have been introduced to, then THE HYPERLEXIAN APPROACH isn't fine, what is appropriate here is a kiss at the end of the date (I would always ask first) and take it from there. In an Internet Dating situation, I would take it as a given that both parties are at least talking on the phone/Skype/Cam and texting, then THE HYPERLEXIAN APPROACH might also still be fine, but a period demonstrating that you are who you've been online/phone/texts and not some axe murderer or a psychotic mentalist b***h. In this case I'd suggest a casual meal some place, followed by a walk/chat on the way to a bar then unless it has been an absolute disaster - apply THE HYPERLEXIAN APPROACH at the date's end.

I'm thinking THE HYPERLEXIAN APPROACH instructions should be printed on a little card like you get on budget airlines or like the illustrated instruction leaflets you get in some restaurants for THE HEIMLICH MANOEUVRE.

ToughDiamond
Phoenix
Phoenix

Joined: Sep 16, 2008
Age: 60
Posts: 4751

Posted: Wed May 02, 2012 12:30 pm Post subject:

Agreed, a lot depends on what is meant by a first date. I took it to mean (pretty much) a blind date. Last relationship I had, we knew each other already but had been apart for some months, except for text messages. When we finally did go on a date, we just got on with it. But I wouldn't have called that a "first date." Judging by the advice websites I've looked at, most people would take a first date to mean with somebody relatively unknown.....the advice they give seems mostly about first impressions, and that wouldn't be relevent if you know the person reasonably well already.

book_noodles
Phoenix
Phoenix

Joined: Feb 14, 2010
Age: 19
Posts: 953

Posted: Wed May 02, 2012 4:16 pm Post subject:

I wouldn't do it based on any expectation to, or any assumption of what it implies for the rest of your relationship _________________ "If you look deeply emough into any person's soul, you can see the emu within them struggling to get out. Actually, most people don't have emus in their soul. Just me." - Invisible Dave, Lady of Emus

balletangel
Hummingbird

Joined: Apr 30, 2012
Posts: 20

Posted: Wed May 02, 2012 10:58 pm Post subject:

Kissing is a scared thing to me. I don't believe you should kiss someone whom you don't intend to be or whom you don't know if you are going to be seriously romantically involved with. I have no beliefs against dating couples kissing. I myself, and this is just me, a personal choice, not for anybody else. I have choosen to have my very first kiss (not with a sealion) when the preacher says; "You may now give your bride;" or "You may know kiss your groom." I want to know what that is like, not before. And if I never exprience that, I can always get another kiss from a sea lion!!!! My first and only kiss thus far; Duke the Sea Lion! Gulf World Marine Park, Panama City, FL. September, 2009. And my dogs have managed to get me on the lips a few times! I don't aim for that.

yellowtamarin
Elephant Shrew
Phoenix

Joined: Sep 06, 2010
Age: 32
Posts: 1517
Location: Victoria, Australia

Posted: Wed May 02, 2012 11:14 pm Post subject:

For me it depends on whether I feel confident that they are interested in me. So assuming I want to kiss them at some point, I would kiss them on a first date if the chemistry was undeniable and it was clear that we were interested in each other. This is rare for me, as usually my dates come from online dating, so the first meeting is likely to be just "getting to know you, see if we get along", then there's a follow-up email/text where one of us will make it clear that we would like to meet up again. Second date, sure, kiss away!!! A kiss on the cheek might happen at the end of a bad date, if that's what they did at the start of the date. Doesn't necessarily mean anything.

CrinklyCrustacean
Phoenix
Phoenix

Joined: Mar 23, 2009
Posts: 1223

Posted: Thu May 03, 2012 7:42 am Post subject:

ToughDiamond wrote:

Agreed, a lot depends on what is meant by a first date. I took it to mean (pretty much) a blind date. Last relationship I had, we knew each other already but had been apart for some months, except for text messages. When we finally did go on a date, we just got on with it. But I wouldn't have called that a "first date." Judging by the advice websites I've looked at, most people would take a first date to mean with somebody relatively unknown.....the advice they give seems mostly about first impressions, and that wouldn't be relevent if you know the person reasonably well already.

I wonder if that is where I fall down, that my definition of "date" is either old-fashioned or incorrect. For me, it's only a date if there is romantic interest. I'd probably take a girl I'd just met out to coffee, but all it would mean is, "I've never met you before but you seem friendly. Let's have an informal meetup to get to know each other a bit." Maybe if I used a real example:

A few years ago I was invited by my friend C, who was acting in a play, to the after-show party. While I was there I met one of the other actresses whom we'll call T. Sometime around midnight we both went outside on the patio to have a chat. We talked about what most people would consider the most boring things for about three hours (actually she did most of the talking, I did most of the listening and prompting, but for whatever reason I found it really interesting). Anyway, when we finally made our way inside and T went over to talk to some other people, C kept urging me to get her number. I flatly refused, thinking "Hell no, she might think I like her, and I don't know what would happen, and I just want to be friends...no, wait, I do want her number so I can talk to her later" when in fact I was quickly and unconsciously developing an intense crush. In the end my freezing indecision meant I didn't get her number. About three months later we met up again when I invited her through C to come to an Irish Ceilidh with a couple of my friends. This was, however, just a social gathering and by the end of the evening most of my crush feelings had faded.

The way I see it, I didn't do anything that could really be considered romantic. Certainly we talked for a very long time, but then good friends do that. Then the invitation to the Ceilidh was hardly a date since I just wanted to spend some good fun time with my friends and get to know T a bit. I don't really know why my friend C thought I was interested in T but I suppose it was obvious somehow. I mean, if T had shown some romantic interest and I'd not been blind to my own feelings, and then we'd agreed to meet up one-to-one, that would be a date.

I dunno. Maybe my mindset is completely wrong and tramples all over the NT social boundaries and definitions of words.

ToughDiamond
Phoenix
Phoenix

Joined: Sep 16, 2008
Age: 60
Posts: 4751

Posted: Thu May 03, 2012 10:18 am Post subject:

CrinklyCrustacean wrote:

ToughDiamond wrote:

It all looks pretty normal to me, what you've written there. Except that you've not said much about what attention you gave her at the ceilidh. I'm wondering if you might have inadvertently pushed her away by sticking to your friends more than she'd expected on that night, so she felt the relationship had stopped developing. You could have been really accommodating for all I know, but it can be very hard for an Aspie to balance a newcomer with existing friends.....also, if it had been a budding romance, I think it would be OK for friends to have to take a back seat while you gave your full attention to that.

Not that I'm saying it wasn't a budding romance or still can't be. To talk at length to a new person, if they're of the right sexual orientation for you, is one of the first steps to a relationship, it's called chatting up......then you asked her along to a social thing, and she accepted, which is another step. At such an early stage, the question "is it just friendly banter or is it romance?" is meaningless........it IS just friendly banter, but what happens next depends on what you both do next. You can either collectively develop it or not. Any time along the road, one may notice dealbreakers and drop out. I suppose people chat even if there's no sexual chemistry for them, but they wouldn't normally continue associating with you as a man-woman pair unless there was some other definite shared purpose, and even then there would be an awareness, and care might have to be taken to avoid giving the wrong impression.......and things can change - what starts a simple alliance for a practical shared purpose can very easily deepen. Even the sexual chemistry can change.

Did you kiss her?

moonnymph
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: May 08, 2009
Posts: 69
Location: here!

Posted: Thu May 03, 2012 3:02 pm Post subject:

bnky wrote:

Some people may make you feel like they deserve a kiss (or more) because they bought you dinner, or drinks, or went on the date with you. They don't deserve a kiss for any of those reasons. Kiss them if you're comfortable with it and the person. Don't feel pressured by whatever the perceived norm may be.
(What is portrayed in movies and TV is not reality, and should not be mistaken as such)

I never know what is expected of me when I meet someone new, I get caught up in the fact that they like me and never really assess how I am feeling, thinking that if it appears in tv and movies that it must bear a lot of weight in reality otherwise why would it have appeared. Thank you for pointing out that misconception, I have never heard that from a fellow Autistic. I assumed it was just how things were.

Tequila
Trust the people!
Phoenix

Joined: Feb 26, 2006
Posts: 26031
Location: Lancashire, UK

Posted: Thu May 03, 2012 3:16 pm Post subject:

To be honest, I'm not sure I'd be the sort of person to "kiss someone goodnight" on a first date. It doesn't sound, er, very me.