Overpossessive BF.. Please tell me what to do

Page 4 of 7 [ 97 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7  Next

Lorann
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 28 May 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 18

22 Jun 2012, 10:48 am

GET OUT NOW!
Don't reply. Change your numbers or whatever you have to do to get away. Tell friends and family that the two of you are through. Stay away from him. Involve law enforcement if he continues to pursue you.
My sister was killed in her home in front of her children by the man who 'loved' her. It happens everyday - don't let it happen to you.



BlueMax
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Aug 2007
Age: 50
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,285

22 Jun 2012, 1:56 pm

mv wrote:
ALL OF THIS IS 100% ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR AND YES, THAT MAKES HIM AN ABUSER! I don't give a sh** about the semantics being thrown around on this board, they're frankly ridiculous and quite dangerous as they give the abuser an "out", a way to be not accountable for his actions. That's pathetic.

Absolutely don't have one other thing to do with this piece of sh**. This is not a person capable of love and as such, does not deserve it in return. Not from you. This person will only damage you. Block his modes of contact, even if it means changing your telephone number.

This is just horrifying stuff to read. I suggest you tell someone about all this, someone you're close to and who has your back. This stuff can rapidly escalate and someone needs to ensure your safety.

I know whereof I speak. I've worked with victims of abuse and have seen many, many types of abuse over the years. Manipulation is abuse. Gaslighting is abuse. Pure and simple. The fact that he laid hands on you is just gravy and is also, guess what? Abuse.


Exactly! And many of us have seen the same things happen to people we know and love... my own sister is stuck in a situation like this, including being unable/unwilling to leave him because she "loves him soooo much". [gag] In my sister's case, it was man after man exactly the same - the abusive, control freak. Finally we family and friends all had to give up and let her be abused because SHE KEPT CHOOSING IT!

Please - don't choose to stay in this situation... choose to get out and STAY out! But until you make the choice to leave, your indecision results in the default of "stay".



mv
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jun 2010
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,131

22 Jun 2012, 2:12 pm

BlueMax wrote:
But until you make the choice to leave, your indecision results in the default of "stay".


This. Well said, BlueMax. :thumright:



ToughDiamond
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Sep 2008
Age: 71
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,127

22 Jun 2012, 2:35 pm

Lorann wrote:
GET OUT NOW!
Don't reply. Change your numbers or whatever you have to do to get away. Tell friends and family that the two of you are through. Stay away from him. Involve law enforcement if he continues to pursue you.
My sister was killed in her home in front of her children by the man who 'loved' her. It happens everyday - don't let it happen to you.

That's awful. He might be hammering at the gates for some time yet. A lady I knew had bad trouble with her ex (he was used to street fighting but AFAIK had never hit her), her mobile was going off every few minutes, texts abusing both of us, he'd stop after a while and then a few days later the bloody bell would ring and it would start again, more abuse or angling to get her alone, he had a key to her flat, when she stopped replying he texted her asking if he could borrow her DVD player, so she had to either text him to say no or accept a random visit from him. All the websites about getting rid of persistent exes say that if you reply, you're encouraging them to carry on the conversation.



HighPlateau
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 19 Oct 2011
Age: 57
Gender: Female
Posts: 152
Location: Oz

23 Jun 2012, 5:24 am

divineangel wrote:
Yes he was trying to keep the predators off.. but he never prob understood that predators will appriach only if I am willing to let them.

You are right to leave this creep alone. To follow through, and protect yourself from a repetition of this sort of thing, please be especially careful right at the moment. It sounds as though you are basically in great shape - with a strong bullsh*t detector and self-protective instincts that are serving you well - but just be aware there is one other time when predators might get close: that is when you are vulnerable, like now, when your guard is down and you are feeling lonely and looking for sage counsel. So my contribution is simply to say 'Beware the sympathetic stranger.'

I am not suggesting for a moment you reject overtures of friendship; I am simply cautioning you against going into private spaces with people (mainly men, obviously) you haven't known before this thing happened, and who have responded recently to your cry for help. Some people get off on this sort of thing, having a bit of a taste for controlling behaviour. Keep your eyes open, and recognise you are in no condition to enter a new relationship at this challenging stage, because your judgment is clouded.

Good luck! Sounds like you are made of the right stuff and your instincts are sound. These wake-up calls are not altogether a bad thing, as they lay the groundwork for later wisdom.



divineangel
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jun 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 40

23 Jun 2012, 12:36 pm

BlueMax wrote:
mv wrote:
ALL OF THIS IS 100% ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR AND YES, THAT MAKES HIM AN ABUSER! I don't give a sh** about the semantics being thrown around on this board, they're frankly ridiculous and quite dangerous as they give the abuser an "out", a way to be not accountable for his actions. That's pathetic.

Absolutely don't have one other thing to do with this piece of sh**. This is not a person capable of love and as such, does not deserve it in return. Not from you. This person will only damage you. Block his modes of contact, even if it means changing your telephone number.

This is just horrifying stuff to read. I suggest you tell someone about all this, someone you're close to and who has your back. This stuff can rapidly escalate and someone needs to ensure your safety.

I know whereof I speak. I've worked with victims of abuse and have seen many, many types of abuse over the years. Manipulation is abuse. Gaslighting is abuse. Pure and simple. The fact that he laid hands on you is just gravy and is also, guess what? Abuse.


Exactly! And many of us have seen the same things happen to people we know and love... my own sister is stuck in a situation like this, including being unable/unwilling to leave him because she "loves him soooo much". [gag] In my sister's case, it was man after man exactly the same - the abusive, control freak. Finally we family and friends all had to give up and let her be abused because SHE KEPT CHOOSING IT!

Please - don't choose to stay in this situation... choose to get out and STAY out! But until you make the choice to leave, your indecision results in the default of "stay".


Am trying my level best to get over him. Its tough....but i know once he has done this, he will resort to this again coz to him it wud be like even though I hit her, she always comes back..its just a matter of a few days...this would be his way to control me and get his way...I jus hope i stay strong enough.. Its disturbing to encounter these sort of ppl coz its a traumatics experience for me....i dont care vat he thinks, but he has no right to raise a hand on me.



divineangel
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jun 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 40

23 Jun 2012, 12:56 pm

ToughDiamond wrote:
divineangel wrote:
I guess he did not trust me..period!! and where there is not trust, ther is always doubt. he was not as confident as I am. he is an extrovert, but then when it used to come to me being hid gf, all his ideas about modern living seemed to go for a toss.

I think trust can be quite a complicated issue. Obviously he didn't trust you or he'd have believed you when you said you were talking to your mum. People often expect just to be trusted in relationships. I don't know why. As long as its communicated honestly, accurately and gently, I think if it's there then the couple had better know about it. It puts the untrusted one in a difficult position, but if you don't let it make you feel guilty, and engage with the distrusting one about their suspicions, and have the right kind of calm, adult conversation about it, well that gives it the best chance, and if that doesn't work, at least you know you're not to blame. It's so tempting to be glib and more or less dismiss their concerns, because they are often ludicrous........ then it's likely to come back and bite you both later.

So he was an extravert but not a very confident one........and once the sex started he flipped into a kind of puritanical mode, didn't bother so much with anybody except you?


I had communicated to him patiently that I am not that kinda of a girl who seekd adventure at every alley. Like i said, I am focussed on he one man I have in my life, which was him. Its tough to explain when the other person has a set notion in their mind. He was suspecting me with not one guy in particular. According to him, I am cheating and he would not mention any names.. Just that I am cheating on him..thats it!! the point is, I feel, that he knew I was not cheating, but his infected brain would not let him think otherwise.



divineangel
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jun 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 40

23 Jun 2012, 1:08 pm

Lorann wrote:
GET OUT NOW!
Don't reply. Change your numbers or whatever you have to do to get away. Tell friends and family that the two of you are through. Stay away from him. Involve law enforcement if he continues to pursue you.
My sister was killed in her home in front of her children by the man who 'loved' her. It happens everyday - don't let it happen to you.


My heart goes out to you and your family as to what happened to your sister. I know what you mean. Its like once the abuser realises that he can get his way thru physical or verbal violence he will do it again n again.
God Bless you and your family..



ToughDiamond
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Sep 2008
Age: 71
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,127

23 Jun 2012, 4:27 pm

HighPlateau wrote:
[I am simply cautioning you against going into private spaces with people (mainly men, obviously) you haven't known before this thing happened, and who have responded recently to your cry for help. Some people get off on this sort of thing, having a bit of a taste for controlling behaviour. Keep your eyes open, and recognise you are in no condition to enter a new relationship at this challenging stage, because your judgment is clouded.

You mean private messaging? - I hadn't thought of that but yes, the OP's predicament is likely to provoke parental instincts, and particularly with men it could become untoward if it ever went behind closed doors.

And there's this rebound thing that's deadly. You think you're just talking, next minute you're somewhere else. I fell for that one myself not long ago. :oops: So particularly after a broken relationship these days, I still talk to the opposite sex quite deeply but I don't go in private with them. I feel safer with chaperones about.

BlueMax wrote:
In my sister's case, it was man after man exactly the same

I've heard of it. I don't know much about the reasons why this happens...I gather abusive fathers can send their daughters that way. Something about the victim carrying on unfinished business. Unconsciously sensing a particular aggression vibe in men, and selecting them. I guess counselling could raise that to consciousness, assuming they're bright counsellors, then they might fix their selection filters and grow. I think the guy would do well to look at attachment theory, parents slapping him, and the way his jealousy was handled in his infancy, which is supposed to cause an insecure jealousy reaction in adulthood. And his family might be unusually demure for this day and age.

divineangel wrote:
I had communicated to him patiently that I am not that kinda of a girl who seekd adventure at every alley.

It sounds like the gentle way didn't change a thing then, and yes it's hard to keep talking calmly in the face of constant suspicion, invasion and anger. Even when it's not face to face, I know how tough that can be to live with if it goes on for days. Sooner or later anybody is going to run out of patience, then the anger gets fed, communication becomes a sick joke.

Sorry if I've come over as devil's advocate in reacting to the flak your bf is getting here. I usually like to encourage a very open-minded atmosphere, but in some human situations a closed mind is probably the best thing. I can see it wouldn't do to weaken your resolve.



Zinia
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 22 Sep 2011
Age: 40
Gender: Female
Posts: 344

23 Jun 2012, 8:38 pm

Butters wrote:
If I were you the best thing to do in this situation is cut him off completely, Dont answer any calls/text from him and remove and block him from your face book page. You did nothing wrong, don't blame yourself, He can not see his actions through his deluted thoughts. He isnt thinking clearly or logically by any means. Delete him from your life.

I'm sorry you went through this, I know it must be hard, but the best thing you can do for yourself is to cut him out of your life.
If you need anyone to talk to you can PM me, I've had friends that have went through this sort of thing several times. I'm here to help if you need it.


This is really good advice. It's extremely common for abusers to start texting, calling, or stalking their victims after they leave. PLUS, and I don't want to scare you, abusers are often the MOST dangerous after you've left them. Seriously--that's a lot of what you hear in the news when someone gets killed.

I agree with this advice--cut him out. Block him. If he continues to try to contact you or show up where you work--call your family or anything--get a restraining order on him. You could report him to the police now because he hit you--but if he keeps trying to contact you, definitely report him.

Jealousy, controlling behavior, stalking, and physical violence are all suggestive of a very dangerous abuser. And like I said, they are usually the most dangerous when they learn the target is going to leave or has left them.

Although--about the PMing--sometimes it can be helpful but do be careful of people--you are in a vulnerable place right now and there are a lot of people who sympathize and a few who would take advantage of that. I still think you should check out that Physical and Emotional Abuse support group on Daily Strength, and counseling could also help you to heal.



divineangel
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jun 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 40

24 Jun 2012, 11:56 pm

Its been 5 days and he has not contacted me. I guess my ignorance has made him understand that I am not interested to listen to him anymore. My only problem here is that I could not get back at him for slapping me. I wanted to give him a mindful too as to what kind of a guy he is...
i was advised by a friend to sit n talk with him, but i realized that teher will def be more unpleasentness and noo knowing how he may react. I guess there is nuthing more to talk about too. He has a set notion in his head that I cheated, which is just so sad coz his paranoia costed us the relationship and prob a nice future..



DogsWithoutHorses
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Apr 2012
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,146
Location: New York

25 Jun 2012, 12:00 am

divineangel wrote:
Its been 5 days and he has not contacted me. I guess my ignorance has made him understand that I am not interested to listen to him anymore. My only problem here is that I could not get back at him for slapping me. I wanted to give him a mindful too as to what kind of a guy he is...
i was advised by a friend to sit n talk with him, but i realized that teher will def be more unpleasentness and noo knowing how he may react. I guess there is nuthing more to talk about too. He has a set notion in his head that I cheated, which is just so sad coz his paranoia costed us the relationship and prob a nice future..


There wasn't going to be a nice future with this guy. You haven't lost anything but a whole heap of trouble.
Don't talk to him, don't risk getting pulled back in. Your safety if worth more than him learning a lesson (which ik is a hard pill to swallow when you're angry)


_________________
If your success is defined as being well adjusted to injustice and well adapted to indifference, then we don?t want successful leaders. We want great leaders- who are unbought, unbound, unafraid, and unintimidated to tell the truth.


ToughDiamond
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Sep 2008
Age: 71
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,127

25 Jun 2012, 5:34 am

divineangel wrote:
i was advised by a friend to sit n talk with him, but i realized that teher will def be more unpleasentness and noo knowing how he may react. I guess there is nuthing more to talk about too. He has a set notion in his head that I cheated, which is just so sad coz his paranoia costed us the relationship and prob a nice future..

Sometimes it's possible for a split couple to talk things over and part in peace with an agreed idea of what went wrong and why it's hopeless., and that's great if it can happen, but if you two had the communication skills to do that, then you'd never have had such horrible fights and split up in the first place.

Also, when you end a relationship unilaterally like you've had to, you do well to remember that the other person didn't end it, and very likely will take any chance to get you back again. They usually say they want to stay friends, but mostly all they really want is to worm their way back into your affections..........and if the relationship has turned out so horrible that you've had to leave them, I don't think it's likely that a simple friendship would work either. I think ex-partners can also be a tremendous liability because they can put other guys off you just by being around.........nobody wants to get sucked into a complicated love situation. And your own attachment feelings won't go away easily if you keep in touch with him, especially so soon after the split. I knew somebody who had ended a relationship 3 whole years back, yet they still had very deep feelings for each other which held them both back, because they'd never given themselves the chance to let go, they kept hanging out together platonically, and they didn't even know they were still attached until she got a new partner.



divineangel
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jun 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 40

25 Jun 2012, 6:11 am

I guess tryiing to talk it out is gonna be impossible coz I never know what state of mind he must be in. His non-communication after 5 days means he still is not apologetic and has not realized what damage he has done on the relationship and basically driven me away. to slap me was the last straw. He has no res[pect for a woman and am sure he will feel paranoid in the future too..and his reaction could be worse than this. I was contemplating on txting him to make him realize what he has done, but i guess that wud just give him a reason to make fun of me or probably say other spiteful things. if he was remorseful, he wud have said so over text, But i guess he isnt.



mv
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jun 2010
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,131

25 Jun 2012, 7:17 am

Please, I urge you to get out of the face-saving mindset that you seem to have right now.

You cannot help him, there is no "teaching" him about his abuse and treatment of you. Do not contact him, do not make that mistake.

I think it's a self-preservation that makes victims of abuse think that they can treat their abuser as though they had an egalitarian relationship, but it is not that. You have done yourself a good service by getting rid of him, and you have been so strong so far. I'm worried that you're still hung up on him because you seem to have expected him to contact you by now.

Consider yourself *very* fortunate that he hasn't. It's no bearing on you. There are some situations in life in which you will not gain closure. This is one of them. It sucks, but it's life. And like I said, you are well shut of him.



divineangel
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jun 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 40

26 Jun 2012, 1:51 am

Yes. Like old times, I was expecting him to call me. Atleast so I know he is suffering, coz i am, inspite of the fact that I know I did what had to be done. His texts did disturb me when he mentioned "with your attidude, you will end up alone in life with no one standing besides you". But i guess not responding was the right thing coz in this case i dont want to show him i am bothered. I guess that would be a good slap on his face, without me physically inflicting it. But i can only but assume.. There will be no closure to this am sure....thats jus how things are this time... Gosh!! how stupid is this man...spoilt the one relationship which would have become something..I dont wanna change him coz i know he will never change..I realize now that he was hiding his true self for a these past months, but could not do that consistently and gave away when i dint agree with his demands.

The worst part was, when i started giving in, instead if being happy, he took advantage of the fact and started getting more unreasonable. Grrrr