ozman
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jun 18, 2012
Posts: 161
Location: Australia
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 Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 7:18 pm Post subject: |
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| ABsolutely if things go pear shaped we both lose really. And I mean big time. She just can't handle the fact that I am an aspie. I support her thru all her depression and mental illness and she dumps me because im an aspie. No wonder I'm feelin like a piece of dirt. |
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again_with_this
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 14, 2012
Age: 30
Posts: 780
Location: New Jersey, USA
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 7:23 pm Post subject: |
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| ozman wrote: | I know Aspies are prone to depression but I have never felt that way until know. I feel very poorly and worry about myself, even though I am seeing a counsellor.
My wife has left me pure and simple because of my AS, but to me the killer comment is that I had my chances. Like I knew I had it.
I have died inside but I also feel a lot of resentment.for her inability to support me.
I used to be an outgoing popular person, now I feel like a social leper and people look at e in a different light.
For me life sucks |
I've mentioned this in other posts and want to mention it again here.
If you ever read support group forums for NT wives with AS husbands, what you'll see is that they'll list all of their grievances online. However, generally speaking, most of these women never actually told their husbands about any of these things. Sure, some AS husbands may have been unwilling to listen, but these NT wives didn't even bother to articulate any of their grievances directly to their husband, but they post them online after-the-fact. Most will argue, "oh, he should have know, I gave him plenty of hints," but none of them ever directly said anything, then decide one day they'd had enough. They never factor themselves into the equation of the failed marriage. |
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ozman
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jun 18, 2012
Posts: 161
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 7:28 pm Post subject: |
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| The only tip I got was there is something wrong with you 8 years ago. U need to see someone. I didnt because I thought I was ok. I did see a councillor later nd even by didn't pick up the AS |
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again_with_this
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 14, 2012
Age: 30
Posts: 780
Location: New Jersey, USA
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 8:00 pm Post subject: |
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| ozman wrote: | | The only tip I got was there is something wrong with you 8 years ago. U need to see someone. I didnt because I thought I was ok. I did see a councillor later nd even by didn't pick up the AS |
Did you ask your wife exactly why she'd say something like that? In other words, when she suggested it, did you ask for clarification as to why she thought you needed to "see somebody"? |
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BrenJB
Toucan
Joined: Mar 17, 2012
Posts: 253
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 10:01 pm Post subject: Re: Why do nt women leave and some don't? |
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| ozman wrote: | I have read a lot from this and many forums on nt-as relationships. There seems to be some common points
- many nts are deeply unhappy with their marriages/relationships
- some will stay and support their partner as they try to manage their AS.
- some stay even though their husband/wife won't admit they have AS or will not change
-many like my wife see a diagnosis as a chance to plan their escape route, even though me as the AS person is doing everything to improve. In the end they just leave rather than supporting their partner.
-It is the ultimate abandonment. They use the old you had your chance line? I just hate that excuse.
- It certainly makes me feel like I have a disability and have just been dumped.
-I admire the people who stand by their partners and work thru it! I just wish my wife had the courage to work with me.
-and then they dangle the carrot if u improve yourself who knows! Please
Would people leave their partners if they suddenly were in a wheelchair? I guess some would. |
I don't think it's so much a matter of NT-AS. I think it is more a person's willingness. I am NT and my aspie bf has dumped me a couple times and has come very close to cheating. Things are better now but he was the one that wasn't willing to work at the relationship and wanted to take the easy way out. People are people...NT or Aspie.
I am sorry your wife has treated you so. You certainly deserve better so don't feel as if you have a handicap or disability. Her leaving has to do more with her than you.
Good luck. |
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ozman
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jun 18, 2012
Posts: 161
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 10:14 pm Post subject: |
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I am still holding out hope that after being seperated for a while that she will 'come back'
I just can't move on until I get told it's all over. Alas she will probably make that decision but it may take many months. In some ways I am a safety net . |
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BrenJB
Toucan
Joined: Mar 17, 2012
Posts: 253
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 10:26 pm Post subject: |
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| ozman wrote: | I am still holding out hope that after being seperated for a while that she will 'come back'
I just can't move on until I get told it's all over. Alas she will probably make that decision but it may take many months. In some ways I am a safety net . |
Don't be the "safety net". After the last time, a few months ago, I cut him out of my life and was no longer ready, willing and waiting to forgive him. He knew that I had other men that were just waiting for me to agree to date them and I ignored him, told him "no" and he worked his butt off to get me back and he knows that if he EVER does anything like he has in the past that it is over ...he has used up ALL his chances. Truly losing me for awhile was the only thing that made him realize what he was giving up. But you have to be ready to really mean it and you should. You aren't a door mat and if she is going to treat you as such than you leave her!
Well, that's my opinion anyway but everyone is different.  |
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again_with_this
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 14, 2012
Age: 30
Posts: 780
Location: New Jersey, USA
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 11:24 pm Post subject: Re: Why do nt women leave and some don't? |
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| BrenJB wrote: | | I don't think it's so much a matter of NT-AS. I think it is more a person's willingness. I am NT and my aspie bf has dumped me a couple times and has come very close to cheating. |
I have to disagree with you here and say your situation isn't relevant.
In your case, you know in advance your boyfriend has AS. You're willing to work with him if he's willing to do the same. And you're not actually married.
Ozman is talking about scenarios where the AS is discovered well into the marriage, and it is often a point of contention and one of the reasons the NT wife decides to leave. The NT wife thinks, "I didn't know about this before. Now I do. It's not his fault, but it's not going to change, either. Do I stay, or do I go?"
So I think the whole "people are people" argument, while you mean well, is trivializing and off point. |
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BrenJB
Toucan
Joined: Mar 17, 2012
Posts: 253
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 11:30 pm Post subject: Re: Why do nt women leave and some don't? |
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| again_with_this wrote: | | BrenJB wrote: | | I don't think it's so much a matter of NT-AS. I think it is more a person's willingness. I am NT and my aspie bf has dumped me a couple times and has come very close to cheating. |
I have to disagree with you here and say your situation isn't relevant.
In your case, you know in advance your boyfriend has AS. You're willing to work with him if he's willing to do the same. And you're not actually married.
Ozman is talking about scenarios where the AS is discovered well into the marriage, and it is often a point of contention and one of the reasons the NT wife decides to leave. The NT wife thinks, "I didn't know about this before. Now I do. It's not his fault, but it's not going to change, either. Do I stay, or do I go?"
So I think the whole "people are people" argument, while you mean well, is trivializing and off point. |
Ah, but we had been dating a long time before we knew he had AS. My mom even asked me if I thought I wanted to continue dating him or go ahead and get out; was it something that I thought I could handle. I was already in love and decided he was worth it. After we found out he had AS was when the real problems started. It explained a lot of things but then he started using it as an excuse and a lot went on. Either way...she is using him as a safety net..has already left and he shouldn't tolerate that. He needs to take control and make it his choice and if she really loves him she will quit acting like she is and straighten out and if she fails to then at least he will know that he didn't allow her to bring him down.
Again, just my opinion. |
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edgewaters
hibernating
Joined: Aug 17, 2006
Age: 40
Posts: 2426
Location: Ontario
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 11:52 pm Post subject: Re: Why do nt women leave and some don't? |
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| ozman wrote: | I am still holding out hope that after being seperated for a while that she will 'come back'
I just can't move on until I get told it's all over. Alas she will probably make that decision but it may take many months. In some ways I am a safety net . |
As painful as it is, there is a kind of silver lining to this - such a person must have a very ugly inner personality even if they do their best to hide it, I think they'd make you miserable one way or the other in the long run, if you'd never got the diagnosis. Or even if there was nothing to diagnose.
I think we sometimes confuse processes, and purposes. Being with someone is a process, whose purpose is to bring happiness and fulfillment. Being with someone is not a purpose in and of itself. If a process doesn't serve the purpose, it is not worthwhile. A process has no value apart from how it serves the purpose, though it can often seem to, because we confuse the two.
| Quote: | I am still holding out hope that after being seperated for a while that she will 'come back'
I just can't move on until I get told it's all over. Alas she will probably make that decision but it may take many months. In some ways I am a safety net . |
My experience has been that it's a bad idea to get back together with someone who left you. You'll probably be terminally insecure in the relationship, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. And if you do get back together but later she leaves again, or if some other breach of loyalty happens, it will damage you real bad. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.
I'm not infallible, but just saying here what I would ideally do, is terminate contact.
Last edited by edgewaters on Sat Jun 30, 2012 12:08 am; edited 2 times in total |
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BrenJB
Toucan
Joined: Mar 17, 2012
Posts: 253
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 11:55 pm Post subject: Re: Why do nt women leave and some don't? |
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| edgewaters wrote: | | ozman wrote: | | -many like my wife see a diagnosis as a chance to plan their escape route |
As painful as it is, there is a kind of silver lining to this - such a person must have a very ugly inner personality even if they do their best to hide it, I think they'd make you miserable one way or the other in the long run, if you'd never got the diagnosis. Or even if there was nothing to diagnose.
I think we sometimes confuse processes, and purposes. Being with someone is a process, whose purpose is to bring happiness and fulfillment. Being with someone is not a purpose in and of itself. If a process doesn't serve the purpose, it is not worthwhile. A process has no value apart from how it serves the purpose, though it can often seem to, because we confuse the two. |
Very well stated! |
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ozman
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jun 18, 2012
Posts: 161
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 12:20 am Post subject: |
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| I'm so confused. I just don't know what to do, half my friends say forget her it's over, other half say hang in there. I guess I have to get on with my life but hang in there, as hard as it is. We are seeing a councillor together and seperately so she will b a source of guidance |
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hyperlexian
loves the man who typed too much and ran outta spa
Joined: Jul 22, 2010
Age: 41
Posts: 21969
Location: with bucephalus
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| Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 12:21 am Post subject: |
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do you really want to stay with her, or is it just important to you that you should stay loyal?
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1000Knives
It's not difficult if you know how.
Joined: Jul 09, 2011
Age: 22
Posts: 4591
Location: CT, USA
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| Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 12:23 am Post subject: |
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| hyperlexian wrote: | | did you try seeking couples' therapy? |
I think in his case couple's therapy was "Men are evil and women should be allowed to do whatever they want without question" therapy, judging from what he said in other threads.
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hyperlexian
loves the man who typed too much and ran outta spa
Joined: Jul 22, 2010
Age: 41
Posts: 21969
Location: with bucephalus
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| Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 12:24 am Post subject: |
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| 1000Knives wrote: | | hyperlexian wrote: | | did you try seeking couples' therapy? |
I think in his case couple's therapy was "Men are evil and women should be allowed to do whatever they want without question" therapy, judging from what he said in other threads. |
he said that he didn't start therapy yet, so i don't know what you mean.
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