edgewaters
hibernating
Joined: Aug 17, 2006
Age: 40
Posts: 2426
Location: Ontario
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 Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 4:33 am Post subject: |
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| 1000Knives wrote: | | I feel like, people with Aspergers, right, with relationships, due to being unable to see emotional cues partially, and partially out of desparation, we end up with people with their own mental problems. Think of it sorta like the 1-10 scale. Generally, let's say you're a 5, right, you're not going to normally date a 10 |
Ever try to relate to the sort of people who I think you're calling 10s? Really well-adjusted, happy-go-lucky, superfunctional sorts who are like that right down to their core? You think that's a 10? I call that around about a -3, on a scale of 1-10. Yeah, they're great friends. Scratch that, great acquaintances. Try living with one, though. I can't even imagine the Hell that a relationship with one would be. Compatibility isn't a universal scale of objective rankings!
I am sure they are great for each other. Two people like that, living in the bliss of ignorance, I bet it's Heaven ... unless one of them develops a problem. Because I'm sure you know, what happens to people with problems around them. They have zero ability to deal with people who do, because they simply don't have any way to relate or cope with it.
I am reminded of these things when I think of All Quiet on the Western Front, when the main character returns home from the frontlines.
| Quote: | | She probably has issues of her own, maybe bipolar, depression, anxiety, who knows. So she figured she'd marry you, because you're also "broken" like her, but just differently. That's what I see, there's a lot of posts on here from guys who ended up dating bipolar girls and stuff. I've even been approached by girls with...issues. I refused them, just because I knew it'd end badly. But, some people are so aching for romantic attention, they see "oh wow, a girl/boy who expresses interest in me" and then run with it, despite the obvious signs of them being, well, something you'd normally steer clear of in a platonic friend. I've seen this with other "nerdy" (though not necessarily Aspergers) people I know. They'll get with ANY girl, despite obvious "problems" she has, simply because she's a female companion. Scratch that, it's not even nerds, it's the entire population of the world. People, if they are flawed in some way themselves, will overlook flaws in other people, but then later resent these flaws or they turn out to be huge issues and then the relationship will be ruined. |
Yeah, there's problems in relationships. Not exactly a revelation there. I don't buy into the 0% chance of happiness pessimism you're peddling here though. People can have complementary strengths and weaknesses. Doesn't always work that way, but so what. No pain no gain. Never find out if you just hide from it.
You're right though, his wife clearly has issues. I like how she can't work or even take care of herself in her own place, but somehow she's normal and it's all his fault that she's totally dysfunctional, presumably because his AS was just so darn upsetting - and then he's the one who's being immature. Oh, the irony! She's probably bipolar or something, but too immature to take responsibility for it or do anything more than blame everybody else.
That's the thing, people have problems, the problems themselves aren't the problem, it's how they're handled. And life isn't going to be all bliss, from one end to the other, and I think it's natural for relationships to fail for most people. That's not necessarily a bad outcome though, depending how it's handled, it just seems like it because of unreasonable expectations. You might get lucky and get a hole in one (to use a golf analogy) but that's vanishingly rare, for anyone.
You can be good together with someone for a finite time, and then it doesn't work anymore ... that's not a failure, it doesn't invalidate what came before it stopped working. It's just life. Your car will break down someday too, doesn't mean it didn't work for you while it was working, doesn't mean it was a lemon, doesn't mean you should never have bought it. Only that analogy isn't quite right because there is a chance, your "car" will last indefinately.
| Quote: | | In some cases it's not necessarily some earth shattering thing, especially if both parties know about each other's issues prior to getting serious in the relationship, and it's sorta "consensual" but in your case it seems neither of you knew much about each other's issues, or deliberately tried to ignore them and act as if they didn't exist/were minor. |
Yeah, I agree with you there. If there's no acknowledgement of problems and one person is concealing them, or worse, still stuck in a childish mode of blaming everyone else, chances of a good outcome really are 0%, unless there's some shift in attitudes.
Last edited by edgewaters on Mon Jul 02, 2012 4:40 am; edited 1 time in total |
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BlueMax
Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot...
Joined: Aug 28, 2007
Age: 39
Posts: 5281
Location: Alberta, Canada
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| Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 4:40 am Post subject: |
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^^^ I cannot stress enough how much I LOVE this post, Edgewaters!!
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ozman
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jun 18, 2012
Posts: 161
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 6:24 am Post subject: |
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Yes my wife does have issues for sure... I can see that now....
I totally accept that my being an aspie was emotional abuse for my wife. I should of seen it and I didn't .
I totally accept that she told me years ago that there was something wrong with me... I did go to a councillor for a while a few years ago but they didnt pick up the AS.
I am really struggling with the fact that she says you had your chance. That's so cruel.
I hate that she left me just when I need the most support.
I hate that she won't tell me it's over and tells me " Im not sure what I want with ozman. But want I want is a separation from ozman. Then I might know.
I hate that I love her so much that I hang in there.
I hate that I rarely get to see my son now.
I hate hating and I hate having AS.
Last edited by ozman on Mon Jul 02, 2012 8:12 am; edited 1 time in total |
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ozman
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jun 18, 2012
Posts: 161
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 8:09 am Post subject: |
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| Friendship- is it harder for Aspies to be 'friends' with ex partners. |
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1000Knives
It's not difficult if you know how.
Joined: Jul 09, 2011
Age: 22
Posts: 4606
Location: CT, USA
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| Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 2:06 pm Post subject: |
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| edgewaters wrote: |
Yeah, there's problems in relationships. Not exactly a revelation there. I don't buy into the 0% chance of happiness pessimism you're peddling here though. People can have complementary strengths and weaknesses. Doesn't always work that way, but so what. No pain no gain. Never find out if you just hide from it.
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Well it seems the chance at happiness is under 50%, statistically anyway. With 50% of marriages ending in divorce and all.
_________________
Too kawaii to live...
Too sugoi to die! |
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edgewaters
hibernating
Joined: Aug 17, 2006
Age: 40
Posts: 2426
Location: Ontario
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| Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 4:21 pm Post subject: |
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| 1000Knives wrote: | | edgewaters wrote: |
Yeah, there's problems in relationships. Not exactly a revelation there. I don't buy into the 0% chance of happiness pessimism you're peddling here though. People can have complementary strengths and weaknesses. Doesn't always work that way, but so what. No pain no gain. Never find out if you just hide from it.
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Well it seems the chance at happiness is under 50%, statistically anyway. With 50% of marriages ending in divorce and all. |
Divorce doesn't mean that the whole marriage was unhappy from start to finish. It could well have been very happy for many years, and often is. So half the time an unhappy event occurs at some point ... so what? It doesn't mean what came before was always unhappy, and nothing lasts forever. If we were immortal, the divorce rate would approach 100%. The only reason it doesn't is because we die before it can.
You can hope for death before divorce, but I'm not sure that it's preferable. |
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tarantella
Hummingbird
Joined: Jul 01, 2012
Age: 29
Posts: 24
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| Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 4:47 pm Post subject: |
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| Yeah, "happiness" and "forever" needn't be synonymous when it comes to relationships. Hell, I am not exactly going to be happy if my husband passes away before I do (quite likely to happen he is male and six years older than I am). I will be devastated, just like I will if something bad happens in our relationship and we have to call it quits. All good things come to an end, and many endings are sad, but it doesn't mean the thing was never good or worth having. |
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ozman
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jun 18, 2012
Posts: 161
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 2:33 am Post subject: |
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| My wife just toldme she is seeing our councillor by herself. Not sure if that is good or bad for me? |
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WorriedWife
Butterfly
Joined: Jun 06, 2012
Age: 41
Posts: 13
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| Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 2:52 am Post subject: |
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Me - I would see that as a positive thing - 
WW |
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ozman
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jun 18, 2012
Posts: 161
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 3:04 am Post subject: |
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| WorriedWife wrote: | Me - I would see that as a positive thing -
WW |
I guess the councillor might be looking at how my as impacts on her. I think her brief is to try and get us back together, not break us up, unless one person wants that at all cost. |
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again_with_this
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 14, 2012
Age: 30
Posts: 780
Location: New Jersey, USA
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| Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 8:48 am Post subject: |
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| AScomposer13413 wrote: | | again_with_this wrote: | | I think these women make up their minds before coming to either forum. |
I don't think the bold part's completely accurate, as I remember an exception where one poster came here for sympathy, but lashed out as most of the posts she got happened to be Aspies giving her advice. |
Actually, she had made up her mind. She just came to the wrong forum. |
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again_with_this
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 14, 2012
Age: 30
Posts: 780
Location: New Jersey, USA
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| Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 8:58 am Post subject: |
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| ozman wrote: | | My wife just toldme she is seeing our councillor by herself. Not sure if that is good or bad for me? |
Would you consider seeing the councilor by yourself as well? Not saying you should, yet. Just wondering if you'd be open to doing the same or if you see it as a bad thing for only one spouse to be there. |
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ozman
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jun 18, 2012
Posts: 161
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 7:09 pm Post subject: |
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| I am seeing her myself the next day would u believe |
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again_with_this
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 14, 2012
Age: 30
Posts: 780
Location: New Jersey, USA
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| Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 2:46 am Post subject: |
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| ozman wrote: | | I am seeing her myself the next day would u believe |
That's a good step. Try asking the therapist what she thinks your wife is feeling and how receptive your wife might be towards reconciliation. Let us know how it goes, wish you the best. |
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ozman
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jun 18, 2012
Posts: 161
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 5:26 am Post subject: |
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| Will do.. I'm betting the answer will be I don't know at this stage or a worse response |
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