Women, Aspergers and Sex Drive
It's not disappointment. Like I said - get rejected enough times, know you're not wanted - and that will totally kill any desire of being with them on your behalf. It's not something you consciously decide, it just happens. It happens with every rejection - completely kills any desire and I avoid them for a few days, hence how the disconnection starts and builds up. But reject them enough times and you will kill her desire to be around you permanently.
What do you mean by rejection? Does just wanting to cuddle sometimes count in that regard?
I’ve never been in a situation in which boasting about how sexual I am would be useful, so I have no particular trouble imagining a woman who would want sex twice or thrice as often as my body could respond, but I’m sure as hell I’d still want to play with every inch of her body and stimulate her in any creative way she’d like. Considering how much I crave it, I’d need a hundred lifetimes doing that non-stop in order to get bored So it’d only be a problem if this were still not enough for her.
It is proven in a book I read about asperger syndrome and sexuality that our hyper and hypo sexuality sensory problems can cause us women to have burning, stinging pains when we have sex. I brought the book because it explained my problems with sex. Either though sometimes I do want to have sex, or can does not mean I never have pain. I have ways to prevent the sexual pain I have when "doing it" with my boyfriend. i often find that when my boyfriend listens to what I need in sex, sex does not hurt as much and I can bear it easily.
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Jewels
Personal history nobody asked for:
Puberty (ages 9ish-12ish) -- Had a high sex drive but thought it was a mild bladder infection because none of the "birds and the bees" speeches really addressed it directly. Also thought my newly developing curves were awesome.
Internet (12 or 13) -- Discovered Internet porn full of ladies who looked like me being used like meat. Suddenly ashamed of my body, intensely misandristic, and antagonistic toward all forms of sexuality. Parents, sex ed teacher, and church did not succeed in convincing me that sex could be a good thing in some contexts. Arousal made me physically ill for a few weeks until it stopped altogether.
Fetish (ages 17ish-18 ) -- Sex drive gradually resurfaced in contexts that ran thoroughly contrary to what I wanted out of life. I know where this came from in my formative experiences, and I know other people have integrated it into healthy lives, but it was not something I could make peace with. Told my Deity I would castrate myself if He/It/Whatever didn't take it away in the imminent future.
Resolution (age 18 ) -- Found a male role model who had a healthy sex life in the context of a loving, respectful marriage. Took months to process this stunning anomaly.
Reversion (age 19-23ish) -- Suddenly woke up one morning with the same high sex drive as I had earlier in life. I was amazed at the power I had, no longer bound by a narrow set of not-so-desirable circumstances to dictate my own sexual feelings.
Correction (age 23ish onward) -- The strength of my sex drive actually got to be a nuisance. Being turned on for hours each day with no apparent cause was kind of interesting at first, especially for educational purposes, but proved an impediment to concentration. Had to get a quasi-medical solution to bring it down to a more practical level. So now I guess I've got a happy medium or somesuch. Sometimes I miss my asexual days, though, because I don't yet have a legally designated mate and wouldn't want to invest all that oxytocin in someone who could just walk away from it all. The feelings seem rather pointless without a reliable outlet. I'm not sure what to do if I never achieve that stable, safe, intimate relationship. Sometimes I'm not even sure whether it's the sex or the love I'm craving.
...So I guess my point in all of this is that I seem to be unusually susceptible to psychosomatic influences on my sexuality. Neurotypicals act like sexual desires are a fixed inborn thing, and perhaps for nearly everyone else they are, but after bouncing between extremes I'm wondering what the heck makes me so fluid.
Sorry for rambling. I hope this was still on-topic; I just realized that this thread is years old. ^_^;
Are you looking for a hard drive or a floppy one?
_________________
The red lake has been forgotten. A dust devil stuns you long enough to shroud forever those last shards of wisdom. The breeze rocking this forlorn wasteland whispers in your ears, “Não resta mais que uma sombra”.
Now that you mention it, a man might actually have a point when using that phrase, depending on where the ache is located
_________________
The red lake has been forgotten. A dust devil stuns you long enough to shroud forever those last shards of wisdom. The breeze rocking this forlorn wasteland whispers in your ears, “Não resta mais que uma sombra”.
OwlBeThere
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: 28 May 2013
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 61
Location: Ontario, Canada
To be honest, I have never felt the urge to engage in sexual behaviour. I have talked at length about this with a few people and the jury is out on whether it's because I'm asexual or I'm just dating gross guys.
_________________
I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. The more I hit the gas, the less it seems to be real.
That's very true. And unfortunately it gets worse as you get older. Or as the men get older, I guess I should say.
I've been divorced six years now, and I haven't yet met a man whose sexual appetite matches mine. The solution? Multiple sex partners. Just a few of them, all of whom I date off and on. I still want more than they do, but at least it keeps me from being a raving maniac.
The drawback is I can't let myself get too close to any one of them, although I do like them all a lot. But since I don't plan on ever getting married again, this arrangement actually works out pretty well.
So are there a lot of you ladies with too much sex drive? I've been trying to get a sort of serious relationship with women closer to my own age and it hasn't worked out, but now you are making me think that maybe I would have much more success in a different market.
I think I am actually demisexual, but I'm not really sure. Several times when I've tried to have sex before, I had trouble getting an erection, even when I really liked the girl and I wanted to have sex. It seems gets a lot easier when I feel emotionally attached to the girl, and it also seems to get easier if we take it very slow and the girl makes her intentions very clear, but I'm basing this on very limited experience. I have been wanting to try to figure out what is going on with it because sometimes I don't have any trouble with it at all, but I don't exactly get much practice. Do you think there are some cougars who would like to let me experiment? I suppose if I have a floppy dick for a long time they will probably move on, but then I will still have learned something about myself.
I think you're taking the wrong thing from this. It's not about having "too much" or "too little". It's more about working through the situation in an adult manner and finding a solution that works for both of you. I would guess that most couples have an unequal level of sexual drive, to a greater or lesser extent. So ok, what do you do about it? That's the key.
It isn't always constant, either. It can happen that the one with the stronger drive switches over time. Or switches back and forth, depending on hormonal levels or all kinds of other things. If you're lucky, you'll find someone who is at least close to you.
Well, I'm quite a bit older than you and I've had a little more experience, and I think what you're saying is true of more men than is generally known. The popular conception is that men are ready to do it with anyone at any time anywhere, and that's just not true. There's nothing wrong with wanting emotional attachment before you have sex.
And since you mention it, thanks to modern pharmacology, having a "floppy dick" is something that can be dealt with. But if it's simply because you need an emotional attachment first, then I don't think you really have a problem.
As for "experimenting with a cougar", I wouldn't count on it. But I don't think you need such a thing. I think you've already realized what you need. You need a girl that you really care about and who cares about you.
Kjas
Veteran
Joined: 26 Feb 2012
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,059
Location: the place I'm from doesn't exist anymore
I think I am actually demisexual, but I'm not really sure. Several times when I've tried to have sex before, I had trouble getting an erection, even when I really liked the girl and I wanted to have sex. It seems gets a lot easier when I feel emotionally attached to the girl, and it also seems to get easier if we take it very slow and the girl makes her intentions very clear, but I'm basing this on very limited experience. I have been wanting to try to figure out what is going on with it because sometimes I don't have any trouble with it at all, but I don't exactly get much practice. Do you think there are some cougars who would like to let me experiment? I suppose if I have a floppy dick for a long time they will probably move on, but then I will still have learned something about myself.
Not that many no. I only know a few of the girls around here who are and there's not that many of us - about 7 come to mind.
Judging from that description, it sounds like it. Which isn't really surprising. It does complicate matter in terms of relationships though.
Just know that you aren't the only one - there are other demis around here, you could ask the guys who have been successful or have slightly more experience than you what has worked for them so far. It's a hard position to be in, but it's not impossible.
_________________
Diagnostic Tools and Resources for Women with AS: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt211004.html
I think I am actually demisexual, but I'm not really sure. Several times when I've tried to have sex before, I had trouble getting an erection, even when I really liked the girl and I wanted to have sex. It seems gets a lot easier when I feel emotionally attached to the girl, and it also seems to get easier if we take it very slow and the girl makes her intentions very clear, but I'm basing this on very limited experience. I have been wanting to try to figure out what is going on with it because sometimes I don't have any trouble with it at all, but I don't exactly get much practice. Do you think there are some cougars who would like to let me experiment? I suppose if I have a floppy dick for a long time they will probably move on, but then I will still have learned something about myself.
Not that many no. I only know a few of the girls around here who are and there's not that many of us - about 7 come to mind.
Judging from that description, it sounds like it. Which isn't really surprising. It does complicate matter in terms of relationships though.
Just know that you aren't the only one - there are other demis around here, you could ask the guys who have been successful or have slightly more experience than you what has worked for them so far. It's a hard position to be in, but it's not impossible.
Thanks
Kjas
Veteran
Joined: 26 Feb 2012
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,059
Location: the place I'm from doesn't exist anymore
I’ve never been in a situation in which boasting about how sexual I am would be useful, so I have no particular trouble imagining a woman who would want sex twice or thrice as often as my body could respond, but I’m sure as hell I’d still want to play with every inch of her body and stimulate her in any creative way she’d like. Considering how much I crave it, I’d need a hundred lifetimes doing that non-stop in order to get bored So it’d only be a problem if this were still not enough for her.
Wanting to cuddle counts - and I meant sexual rejection specifically.
Sorry, I did not see this earlier, sometime I don't get notifications for unknown reasons.
Most guys - they think they are capable of much more than they actually are. It's like "Your eyes are bigger than your belly" in relation to food - only this time, in relation to women.
_________________
Diagnostic Tools and Resources for Women with AS: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt211004.html
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