Rainstorm5
Tornado Aficionado
Joined: Feb 20, 2008
Posts: 1103
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 Posted: Sun Mar 16, 2008 5:37 pm Post subject: Re: After 35, you turn invisible |
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| sartresue wrote: | | Not the incredible invisible woman topic |
I take it this has turned up before? Sorry about that 
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I think we need to reinvent ourselves as asplanet wrote. I know I have had to do this. The evolution of age is also how we prosper as we age. I was never "hot" as a young woman. Now that I am older I know I will never be and so I employ other means to fulfill life goals. Leaving a legacy for my descendants is important, and/or making some important contribution to the world (including the Asperger/Autistic community).  |
I was never 'hot' either - I hung out with the parking lot with the smokers, punkers, metal-heads, goths and gangsters. They were so caught up in their own terrible angst they never took notice of me, LOL. Such was the 80's. I was raised in California, though, a hellish place where 'image' is everything. Girls are taught from a very young age that you have to look your best no matter the cost. I guess this explains girls who wear miniskirts and strappy sandals when it's forty degrees outside. I never could measure up to that sort of yardstick- one of the reasons I left Cali as soon as I was financially able to do so. I don't know any other way to explain it except that with that sort of environment, it's as though I was repeatedly told since the age of five that because of my body structure I would never be good enough to fit in. You are lucky that this was never an issue for you - I mean that sincerely. I on't even know why this sort of stuff matters, except maybe because I was trained from a young age that it was 'supposed' to matter. Sort of disgusts me how much of that mentality still hangs over me like a dark raincloud. If this was some kind of switch I could just 'turn off,' I'd have done so years ago. Not that I wanted pity 'for not being pretty anymore.' I wasn't much to look at back then, either. Just ask the other kids who always referred to me as a 'dog.' My initial question was based on how people dismiss others as being irrelevant just because they're over 40. This included intellectual matters as well as the obvious physical.
thanks for your reply - sorry again that I brought up a redundant topic.
Best wishes,
Jillian
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gwenevyn
oh, wait. not that!
Joined: May 07, 2007
Posts: 6193
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| Posted: Sun Mar 16, 2008 6:23 pm Post subject: |
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I'm glad you brought it up. I don't have a lot to contribute, but this is one of my biggest fears. Okay... the biggest. Every time I read one of those posts where guys are saying that women are only attractive from age 18-24, I feel really bad about myself. I'm 25 and I feel like men are looking at me more than ever, but (I guess) I know it won't last.
I don't have a good grasp on what will happen to me because I love all kinds of people and see beauty just about everywhere... people say that older women aren't attractive anymore and I just don't understand that. It's only recently that I've been hearing such things. I really thought that men thought their wives were beautiful forever. I'm grieving over this not being true... it sometimes makes me not even want a relationship. I don't want to give my best years away to a man and then get ditched when I'm not pretty anymore. I'm terrified of that.
If people stop loving me or listening to me someday or stop recognizing my work because I've grown old, I think I'll get really depressed. I do not have a strong, vibrant personality. I am quiet.
Already I see how I "disappear" to many men when I am with a child. There have been times I've taken my son with me to the store and nobody even glances my way... then I have to leave him with my mom in the car while I run in to get something we forgot... and suddenly guys are opening doors for me, grinning at me, trying to get my attention, being more polite to me, taking more time to help me...
It makes me wonder what it will be like when I am 60. Will I have to stand on my head to get some help at the deli? 
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Rainstorm5
Tornado Aficionado
Joined: Feb 20, 2008
Posts: 1103
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| Posted: Sun Mar 16, 2008 7:09 pm Post subject: |
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| gwenevyn wrote: | | I really thought that men thought their wives were beautiful forever. I'm grieving over this not being true... it sometimes makes me not even want a relationship. I don't want to give my best years away to a man and then get ditched when I'm not pretty anymore. I'm terrified of that. |
I was afraid of that as well. After I left my second husband at the age of 25 [edit: typo], I'd already gotten to the point where men didn't bother casting a glance my way anymore. But there's good news. I guess I'm lucky that I kept dumping guys that were bad for me because I found one that I could get along with and even after 16 years finds me attractive. I firmly believe that everyone has a soulmate out there in the world, somewhere, and at some point in your life you will meet that person. Call me crazy, but that's what I believe. It's just a matter of recognizing that person when you find them. After a decade and a half, my husband and I still take long walks together and hold hands. He's stuck with me through my thin years and my fat years and now he's suffering right along with me through perimenopause. There will be someone out there you can rely on to remain by your side. It's only a matter of knowing them when you finally meet them, if you don't know that person already.
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If people stop loving me or listening to me someday or stop recognizing my work because I've grown old, I think I'll get really depressed. I do not have a strong, vibrant personality. I am quiet.
Already I see how I "disappear" to many men when I am with a child. There have been times I've taken my son with me to the store and nobody even glances my way... then I have to leave him with my mom in the car while I run in to get something we forgot... and suddenly guys are opening doors for me, grinning at me, trying to get my attention, being more polite to me, taking more time to help me... |
I had 2 kids in school when I met my current husband, and it didn't scare him off. He had kids of his own from a previous marriage (he left her because she cheated on him). I know what you're talking about though. After I split with my ex, men would find me interesting up until they found out I had kids. That's when they'd run away like I had the plague. The men who look away when they see you with a child (whether it's your own or not) are probably not worth your time, anyway.
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It makes me wonder what it will be like when I am 60. Will I have to stand on my head to get some help at the deli? |
When you're 60, if they don't pay attention, just whop 'em with your cane. That's what I plan on doing. 
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Erilyn
Snowy Owl
Joined: Mar 02, 2007
Posts: 166
Location: British Columbia, Canada
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| Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 3:23 pm Post subject: |
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I will be 30 in a few months and I've already started to feel invisible. Well.... I've felt invisible my entire life, but for other reasons - LOL. Anyway, I have been working for the same company over 6 years now. I was 23 when I started here, and was one of the "younger" girls. There was one other girl who was younger than me at 21. I worked on reception and customers (95% men as this is the construction industry) would often smile at me, and I suppose even sort of flirt with me (in true Aspie fashion I would never realize it at the time). This went on for some time, even after I was promoted and moved upstairs to my own desk (I would still get smiled at and have doors held for me and stuff when I moved about the office). But - I'm not even exactly sure when it happened - it suddenly stopped at one point. I recently realized that I am now one of the "older" girls - the office downstairs is full of 20-24 year-olds again that were all hired well after me. All of a sudden I wasn't one of the young and cute ones anymore. Disturbingly, I also noticed a few months ago that I am now the only white girl left in the place that is not blonde. 
While it was a startling observation, I don't really care, per se. I don't know how to act when people flirt with me anyway. In a way it's nice to be invisible. And I do have a wonderful husband so it's not like I'm looking. But it's still a little unsettling to have it so blatantly confirmed that a woman's looks do seem to be THAT ridiculously important. Jeez I'm not even a "mom" yet.  |
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littlefrog
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Mar 18, 2008
Age: 45
Posts: 48
Location: Connecticut
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| Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 6:38 pm Post subject: |
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honestly ladies, this thread made me a little sad. so many of you are so down on yourselves 
* beauty is always in the eye of the beholder
* age does not = beauty, it is an out of balance society that even suggests such a thing.
* any woman who takes care of her body and loves herself does get more beautiful as she ages (i'll post pics of older beautiful women if you want) |
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Pepperfire
Velociraptor
Joined: Feb 11, 2008
Age: 47
Posts: 408
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| Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 9:05 pm Post subject: |
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| littlefrog wrote: | honestly ladies, this thread made me a little sad. so many of you are so down on yourselves
* beauty is always in the eye of the beholder
* age does not = beauty, it is an out of balance society that even suggests such a thing.
* any woman who takes care of her body and loves herself does get more beautiful as she ages (i'll post pics of older beautiful women if you want) |
Oh, littlefrog, that's a great idea...
I'll help, although, I'm not sure how to link to images in here yet...
How about Meryl Streep, Helen Mirrin and Judy Dench.
Liz Taylor
All of the actresses in that show my daughter likes... something housewives...
Goldie Hawn
who else... |
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CockneyRebel
Mick Avory, Sensitive brown-eyed Sweet Pea
Joined: Jul 18, 2004
Age: 38
Posts: 87149
Location: In a quiet and peaceful garden, where gentle Mick Avory-like Sweet Peas grow.
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| Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 6:24 am Post subject: |
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I plan to make myself visible in other ways, such as busing tables at a local restaurant, volunteering for a cause that I believe in, mowing lawns for people, like I did last summer, and selling my art, at the local flea market, on Ebay, or both. I don't need to be pretty, to get noticed.
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The darling, unworldly Mick Avory with hands like shovels, who wouldn't dare choose to hurt a soul: I'm the cuddly, adorable Kink. Sweet Peas: http://s76.photobucket.com/albums/j37/Cocknee/Kinks/Sweet%20Pea%20Smileys/ Other: http://www.mybrowsercash.com/ |
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littlefrog
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Mar 18, 2008
Age: 45
Posts: 48
Location: Connecticut
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| Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 10:59 am Post subject: |
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| Pepperfire wrote: | | littlefrog wrote: | honestly ladies, this thread made me a little sad. so many of you are so down on yourselves
* beauty is always in the eye of the beholder
* age does not = beauty, it is an out of balance society that even suggests such a thing.
* any woman who takes care of her body and loves herself does get more beautiful as she ages (i'll post pics of older beautiful women if you want) |
Oh, littlefrog, that's a great idea...
I'll help, although, I'm not sure how to link to images in here yet...
How about Meryl Streep, Helen Mirrin and Judy Dench.
Liz Taylor
All of the actresses in that show my daughter likes... something housewives...
Goldie Hawn
who else... |
I have to post 5 legitimate posts before i can post pics .. be right back .. ok, i have to wait until i've been here five days.
i found fabulous pics of jane seymour - 57, demi moore - 45, Michelle Pfeiffer - 49, Cindy Crawford - 41, Goldie Hawn - 62 and Helen Mirren - 62 |
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gwenevyn
oh, wait. not that!
Joined: May 07, 2007
Posts: 6193
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| Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 12:23 pm Post subject: |
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I hate to be the party pooper here, but I'm honestly not at all comforted by photos of beautiful older women who are wealthy. These woman can afford gym memberships, personal trainers, expensive clothing and cosmetics, medicine, doctor and dentist visits, spa treatments, cosmetic surgery, etc. etc. etc. Most of the women of the world have zero hope of being similarly privileged.
I spent a good long while just looking around at middle-aged women at the store yesterday. What I saw was not very comforting. They look fine to me, but they're nothing like Jane Seymour.
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The machine does not isolate man from the great problems of nature but plunges him more deeply into them. -Antoine de Saint Exupéry |
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littlefrog
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Mar 18, 2008
Age: 45
Posts: 48
Location: Connecticut
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| Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 12:45 pm Post subject: |
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| gwenevyn wrote: | I hate to be the party pooper here, but I'm honestly not at all comforted by photos of beautiful older women who are wealthy. These woman can afford gym memberships, personal trainers, expensive clothing and cosmetics, medicine, doctor and dentist visits, spa treatments, cosmetic surgery, etc. etc. etc. Most of the women of the world have zero hope of being similarly privileged.
I spent a good long while just looking around at middle-aged women at the store yesterday. What I saw was not very comforting. They look fine to me, but they're nothing like Jane Seymour. |
i completely understand that, all true.
i'm 40, and i am far from wealthy but i've stayed in shape (without a personal trainer or a fancy diet or a fancy gym membership).
i dance and i eat healthy (no sugar, very few starchy carbs, whole foods) i hike once a week, and i take an antioxidant, pycnogenol
it's totally possible to stay lovely as you get older without it costing you a lot of money. women also become more distinguished as they age, just like men. |
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Rainstorm5
Tornado Aficionado
Joined: Feb 20, 2008
Posts: 1103
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| Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 10:03 pm Post subject: |
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I'd love to look like Catherine Zeta-Jones at 40 or Marie Osmond at 50+
I don't know if I want to look like Dame Judy Dench, but I'd sure like to have her money...
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wisteria
Blue Jay
Joined: Mar 16, 2008
Posts: 96
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| Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 12:33 am Post subject: |
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| What is hardest for me about getting older is not appearance or being invisible (I found I turned invisible, in terms of male attention, once I became a mom). It's the feeling that with every passing day-- and days turn into weeks, months, and then years-- I have lost just that much more opportunity and hope. When I was 25, going back to finish my degree, so that I could be self-sufficient, seemed very possible. Then I hit 30 and in a dr's office was met by resident physicians who were younger than I am. Now, getting close to 35, I realize that if I ever do finish the degree and support myself, it will be something practically news-worthy. With each day I feel increasingly trapped and less able, and it's very painful. It's like a slow coming to terms with my inabilities and shortcomings. I never thought my life would be like this. |
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Rainstorm5
Tornado Aficionado
Joined: Feb 20, 2008
Posts: 1103
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| Posted: Fri Mar 21, 2008 8:59 pm Post subject: |
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I can empathize with that. At 40, I find myself questioning all that I haven't accomplished yet, and it's hard to ignore everything I've left undone. the only thing you can do is set goals and hope you find time to complete them.
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hartzofspace
Red Dragon
Joined: Apr 15, 2005
Posts: 7577
Location: On the Road Less Traveled
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| Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 3:13 am Post subject: |
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I have a slightly different experience. I still get (unwanted) attention, and I am 50 years old. I have inherited the ability to look at least twenty years younger than I am. Sometimes I will deliberately leave the gray in my hair, just to stop getting stared at. What's really disconcerting, is that I don't think I am pretty. In fact, I sometimes am filled with such self loathing, I can't stand to look in the mirror. But this comes from a history of Body dysmorphic disorder, and anorexia/bulemia issues. And yet I have to hear all the time about how attractive I am, and see the shocked looks when I reveal my age. I feel as if I don't really belong to any set group, as I generally relate better to older or younger people than myself. Sometimes I wish I could go invisible.
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Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.
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Lumina
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 10, 2007
Posts: 595
Location: Oblivion
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| Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 6:46 pm Post subject: |
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I have been invisible from day one. Now after reading this thread all hope is lost in ever getting any attention if thing go to hell in my marriage. I’m already 35 and I can see that this is the end of the road in my wanting to feel like a female.
I’ve never been one to wear make up or girlie myself up. I kind of lack the feminine beauty that most men look for. |
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