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Complex
Sea Gull
Joined: Mar 02, 2008
Age: 36
Posts: 241
Location: Detroit
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 Posted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 9:25 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | So you did developed mainstream hobbies beside your geeky aspie hobbies.....is there anything else that you forgot to tell us too? |
Being a librarian doesn't even pay what a teacher makes. It's an OK living, but not great; kind of a dead end job really. I dated my first girlfriend from 19 to 22. I lost 30 lbs to get her attention, so there was a lot of effort involved. By the time I met my wife, I had spent a lot of time out socializing. I learned how to dress and had a good wardrobe. I learned how to read some non-verbal cues from socializing. I read a lot of books about history and culture, so I had a fairly wide array of topics I could discuss. If I think of anything else, I'll let you know.
After being married (seven years now) I actually am interested in many more mainstream things. I workout a lot now, which I didn't do before I was married. My wife and I own a small house, which consumes a lot of time and other people can relate to. I follow politics and world affairs. I watch much more TV than I used to. I have three dogs, which I would have never of bothered with before I met my wife.
I really don't know why you find it so unbelievable that us Aspies can learn some mainstream skills and land a girl without being rich, having high status, or mad skills. Most men do it naturally with none of these things, it's just more difficult for us to grasp.
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NeantHumain
Phoenix
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Joined: Jun 25, 2004
Posts: 3417
Location: St. Louis, Missouri
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| Posted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 11:50 pm Post subject: |
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| Complex wrote: | | I really don't know why you find it so unbelievable that us Aspies can learn some mainstream skills and land a girl without being rich, having high status, or mad skills. Most men do it naturally with none of these things, it's just more difficult for us to grasp. |
I have fairly high status (at least in terms of gainful employment) and skills (not social, however), and the women aren't exactly coming to me. I've noticed that women's attention can be gained, though, if you are engaging in a physical activity like swimming, bike riding, or similar; this seems to turn them on in a way even walking up to them without a care in the world does not (I know because I've tried). |
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Complex
Sea Gull
Joined: Mar 02, 2008
Age: 36
Posts: 241
Location: Detroit
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| Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 12:20 am Post subject: |
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| NeantHumain wrote: | | Complex wrote: | | I really don't know why you find it so unbelievable that us Aspies can learn some mainstream skills and land a girl without being rich, having high status, or mad skills. Most men do it naturally with none of these things, it's just more difficult for us to grasp. |
I have fairly high status (at least in terms of gainful employment) and skills (not social, however), and the women aren't exactly coming to me. I've noticed that women's attention can be gained, though, if you are engaging in a physical activity like swimming, bike riding, or similar; this seems to turn them on in a way even walking up to them without a care in the world does not (I know because I've tried). |
A very interesting comment. I work-out, but I've built a little gym in my basement and usually do it alone and sometimes with my wife. About a half mile away from me is a walking trail and all types of people use it. I've noticed that a number of people in their 20s and 30s really dress-up in expensive athletic clothes to use this trail. It seems like a total singles thing to me.
The question is, in your opinion, does engaging in a physical activity help bridge that all-important non-verbal gap that us Aspies otherwise lack???
Curious to hear your response and any relevant information you may possess.
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LePetitPrince
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 03, 2006
Age: 26
Posts: 2680
Location: Beirut , Lebanon
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| Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 8:33 am Post subject: |
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| Complex wrote: | | Quote: | | So you did developed mainstream hobbies beside your geeky aspie hobbies.....is there anything else that you forgot to tell us too? |
Being a librarian doesn't even pay what a teacher makes. It's an OK living, but not great; kind of a dead end job really. I dated my first girlfriend from 19 to 22. I lost 30 lbs to get her attention, so there was a lot of effort involved. By the time I met my wife, I had spent a lot of time out socializing. I learned how to dress and had a good wardrobe. I learned how to read some non-verbal cues from socializing. I read a lot of books about history and culture, so I had a fairly wide array of topics I could discuss. If I think of anything else, I'll let you know.
After being married (seven years now) I actually am interested in many more mainstream things. I workout a lot now, which I didn't do before I was married. My wife and I own a small house, which consumes a lot of time and other people can relate to. I follow politics and world affairs. I watch much more TV than I used to. I have three dogs, which I would have never of bothered with before I met my wife.
I really don't know why you find it so unbelievable that us Aspies can learn some mainstream skills and land a girl without being rich, having high status, or mad skills. Most men do it naturally with none of these things, it's just more difficult for us to grasp. |
Now you are talking sense!! It's because you have made great efforts in order to become attractive and not because you just had confidence.
A poor loser dirty ugly beggar can't become attractive by saying to his mirror "I AM CONFIDENT!" and by possessing this confident attitude all day , uh oh ....that won't work. The man needs to evolve in many aspects in order to become attractive. That exactly what you have did.
I think that you hid MAJOR things in your initial post , the "you just need confidence" advice is very delusional and ,with all respect, .... is stupid and disgrace to our intelligence . Before giving such empty advices , please keep in mind that there a lot of inexperienced teens here and such nonsense delusional advices would lead them to disaster. Next time , tell us the whole process of how you've became successful with women and not just the half of the story (worse ...the 1/10 of the story in this case) ...when you want to play the wiseman...play it well. |
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Complex
Sea Gull
Joined: Mar 02, 2008
Age: 36
Posts: 241
Location: Detroit
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| Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 10:48 am Post subject: |
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I didn't hide anything. If you've going to be confident, you need to act the part by dressing decently and having a few things to talk about.
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LePetitPrince
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 03, 2006
Age: 26
Posts: 2680
Location: Beirut , Lebanon
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| Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 5:56 pm Post subject: |
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By the way ...you are not making distinction between the 'self-confidence' and the social confidence.
You don't need to be socially confident in order to be self-confidence. Social confidence is how much you can be confident in front of others and how much you are confident to interact with them while 'Self-confidence' is how much you are confident in doing the job right because you have the right competence . In short,Social confidence is an ability to interact, assert and confront others. Self confidence is the belief that I have the ability to do something well but you must have this ability.
ie. let's say that you are asked to repair a PC --> you have the enough knowledge and skills to repair a PC --> you have a self-confidence in doing this task right --> you' ll do the task right.
But what if you were asked to repair a fridge? You'll hesitate to accept the job since you don't have the required skills/knowledge in order to repair a fridge. You can't have self-confidence in this situation.
So see...it's competence in something what is really matters and this 'self-confidence' just came from of this specific competence , you can't be self-confident in all areas of life since no one can be competent in everything ...but you can develop your skills in many aspects and areas. You don't really need to be socially confident in order to be successful , surely it helps but competence is much much more important. A socially confident person with no real competence is just a loser pretender  . Note that many famous successful people are successful because they are very competent in their field while they really suck when it comes to social confidence.
Aspies should ultimately focus on the competence thing ....from competence you'll gain self-confidence and from competence you'll gain a good social status.
Since we are talking about dating here , let's put the term in another scene.
Scenario 1: You are in a Dance de Salon party and you know how to dance because you took extensive courses of dancing ---> you were asked by a girl for a dance (or you have asked a girl for dance) --- > you dance well ----> you impress the girl.
Conclusion: you impressed the girl because you know how to dance.
Scenario 2: You are in a dance party but you don't know how to dance at all ---> there are 3 sub-scenarios here:
a- You don't dare to ask any girl for a dance since you know that you can't dance
b- You ask a girl for a dance but you screw it at the end because you sucked in dancing ---> total embarrassment to you and to the girl--->Game over
c- You are asked by a girl for a dance ---> you refuse because you can't dance OR you are so confident so you accept and you get the same result of b.
Conclusion : You need to know how to dance (Dance de Salon) in order to impress a girl in a Dance party.
Moral : Competence is the key and not confidence. |
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Pugly
Man-child diligently becoming a Dude, man
Joined: Jan 10, 2005
Age: 26
Posts: 2567
Location: Wisonsin
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| Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 10:52 pm Post subject: |
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| LePetitPrince wrote: |
Scenario 2: You are in a dance party but you don't know how to dance at all ---> there are 3 sub-scenarios here:
a- You don't dare to ask any girl for a dance since you know that you can't dance
b- You ask a girl for a dance but you screw it at the end because you sucked in dancing ---> total embarrassment to you and to the girl--->Game over
c- You are asked by a girl for a dance ---> you refuse because you can't dance OR you are so confident so you accept and you get the same result of b.
Conclusion : You need to know how to dance (Dance de Salon) in order to impress a girl in a Dance party.
Moral : Competence is the key and not confidence. |
How about option d: you don't know how to dance... but you ask a girl anyways who has a similar sense of humor and can see the fun in 'attempting' to dance. You dance, act silly, have a great time... start talking and things start happening...
There are many options and many different girls out there... I think by just being a good and interesting person with the right attitude you can get a girlfriend.
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I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.
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ghostofzoelund
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Mar 18, 2008
Posts: 34
Location: New York, NY
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| Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 7:13 am Post subject: |
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I don't think Complex ever claimed the only thing you need is confidence. He said it's an attractive quality. You seem to be nit-picking a bit, LPP.
I'm a woman, and I've never dated anyone with "status", or even what could be considered a lot of success in life. I could care less about those things. True, I'm an Aspie, but my NT girlfriends are the same way. I won't deny there are women out there who will only date a man who has those things, but there are also men who will only date a woman if she has a D-cup, or looks like a model. I think the vast majority of people are just looking for someone they get along with.
But you are right, confidence alone is not enough. The men I've dated have been worlds apart, but they had these basic things in common: they were all very smart, they were all good at something creative, and they all treated me really well. AND they all had self-confidence.
Self-confidence just shows other people that you like who you are. It's that simple. It's unreasonable to expect someone else to like you when you don't like yourself. You can have tons of great qualities, but it's difficult for women to find that out if you can't present yourself in a manner that makes them want to get to know you.
It's a good trait to have, and can definitely be gained with practice. |
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happyheather912
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Mar 28, 2008
Posts: 54
Location: Johnson City, TN
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| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 11:14 pm Post subject: |
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Confidence...yeah, confidence is attractive, definitely.
However, a guy's confidence has gotten me into trouble before...I fell for someone I knew from the beginning that I shouldn't have, all because he was SO confident.
I seem to have more luck with the shy, nerdy types of dudes.  Which is fine by me. Usually easier to deal with in the long run anyhow.
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"You must have chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star." - Nietzche. |
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richardbenson
slaughter mountain
Joined: Oct 31, 2006
Posts: 8302
Location: give them nothing, but take from them everything!
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| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 11:19 pm Post subject: |
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i'll believe it, when i see it.  |
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