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DazzleKitty
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Jul 21, 2007
Age: 20
Posts: 47
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 Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 3:11 am Post subject: Inability to love? |
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I have a question for all of you but I'm really afraid it may affend or completely baffle some.
Let me start with a story first. I dated a guy with Asperger's for a while. It didn't work and I broke it off with him. I talked about it a while back at this forum, and some of you said the reasons I broke it off with him are common reasons for breaking up with Aspies.
I visit a counselor because I have clinical depression, and the breakup thing has been eating away at my happiness for a while. She told me that some of the things he was doing to me could be considered verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and sexual harassment, whether it was intentional or not. We then got into a conversation about Aspergers itself.
My counselor has worked with Aspies and is a licensed professional in counseling, so I figured she knows what she is talking about. However, what she said kinda shocked me. She told me that those with Asperger's don't have the ability to love. She says they can LIKE someone, but it's a selfish sort of like. For example, an Aspie really likes their friend, but the friend doesn't show up to hang out with him, so he gets mad at him and takes it out on said friend. My ex boyfriend was kinda like this with breaking up. He totally disregarded the fact that there ARE reasons for breaking up with me and acted like a I did a bad thing by dumping him. Perhaps his pride is wounded? I don't think he even really misses me....I was probably there for convenience and to build his ego. This really made me suspect what my counselor was saying had some truth in it.
I inquired if the inability to love was true for all Aspies, and she said yes. The part of the brain that allows people to empathize and love does not work in them. She said that even their love for their parents is primal.
However, I've read on some websites that Aspies can love and sometimes get a little too involved with their mates.
But then again, I have read on some websites that women who marry Aspie men have literally been driven to insanity by their 'abuse', whether intentional or not.
My ex has been texting me and wants me to meet him. I don't know why and I am not sure I want to be with someone who can't really love me if he is wanting to get back together with me (which is doubtful....I have no idea what he wants).
Sorry if this question offends any of you. I'd like to hear some comments and maybe even some things that can accurately debate what my counselor said.
Thanks in advance. |
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KingofKaboom
Naughty by Nature
Joined: Oct 21, 2007
Age: 21
Posts: 3946
Location: North Mississippi
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| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 3:24 am Post subject: |
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If you don't like it say so, if he doesn't stop he's messed up.
I love lots of people even people who don't call me or see me for a long time when I want them too and I will love them for a very long time even if it doesn't look that way on the outside thats how it is inside me.
Not being able to love? Simply ludicrous.
No Idea what he could want, it's up to you to decide but if you think he miss treated you and hurt you it may be best to stay away.
Love and Dating Forum.......... should say enough
We want to be loved and want to love we want friends and lives like everyone else we're people who have difficulties we don't even all have the same problems or degree of trouble we are human beings and individuals don't believe people who use such a large brush to label people they don't know.
I'm not mad at you but this consular doesn't know me or my life and as such has no right nor ability to make such statements.
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Sarcastic_Name
Don't look.
Joined: Mar 27, 2005
Age: 20
Posts: 3576
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| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 3:28 am Post subject: |
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BULLSHIT...that is all.
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Psycho_jimmy
Raven
Joined: Jan 05, 2008
Posts: 104
Location: Adelaide, Australia
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| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 5:04 am Post subject: |
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Well, I could probably help you there...
Some people with Aspergers cannot feel love, most cannot show it even if they can feel it.
Aspergers is, in an over-simplified nutshell, a genetic mutation resulting in a re-wiring of priorities in neuro-structure.
The abilitiy to "love" in humans is a perceived whole, comprised of myriad individual feelings.
With Aspergers, most or some of those feelings are lost. Myself, I cannot feel love. But, in regards to what your therapist says, it's all bollocks. Therapists usually don't know a thing about Aspergers. They don't have it, but read about it in textbooks written by other people without it. How would they know?
What people do forget is that, even though technically people with Aspergers are by dint of genetic diversion not "human", persay, they are - we are - still people, with personalities.
No more or less capable overall than a neurotypical, though granted in individual areas we may suffer great difference.
As in, of course, emotion.
But, what it all boils down to is the person and personalities involved. One reason I can suggest why someone would get angry - why I've gotten angry - when people say a negative, such as how telling someone you're breaking up with them can be perceived as negative, always reflects on Aspergers. I recall at school, little over half a decade back now, a "health-excercise" was when every child listed what they disliked about others in the class. Every thing listed about me - no exaggeration - was an aspect of Aspergers. I've even had people say that I'd be a nice person if it wasn't for my Aspergers. Makes you think, eh? I'm biologically insensitive, what about other people?
Anyway, back to my point; Aspergers can be a point of tension in any relationship. But, the trick is, try and regard it as a quirk. Granted, Aspergers is the person, but still, they are a person.
My advice is simple enough, in that you ignore your therapist, and regard the personality of your ex and decide from there whether or not you want to meet him again.
Remember, even though there are the occasional report of abusive or posessive Aspies, how many more - how greater of a percentage of population, really, of neurotypicals do that or worse?
It all boils down to seeing the other person as being another person, not an Asperger-person.
Oh, and in regards to offending people with your statement, reactions would be mixed. If people feel love, Aspies included, they get defensive when suggested they or others like them may not. Personally, I'm not offended, because I really couldn't care about human affairs, but, some people would, so it's best to be careful. |
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merrymadscientist
Toucan
Joined: Dec 19, 2007
Posts: 295
Location: France
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| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 5:18 am Post subject: |
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I have been in love to the point of obsession twice, plus I do love family and friends quite intensely although I cant express it and I only realised I loved family after moving away from them and going to university - as a child I would have found the idea that I love my parents ridiculous.
On the other hand I am not sure if I do have AS so perhaps I am not typical. |
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Zonder
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 23, 2008
Age: 44
Posts: 608
Location: Great Lakes
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| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 5:33 am Post subject: |
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| Sarcastic_Name wrote: | | BULLSHIT...that is all. |
I second this and add a bullcrap and dumbass stereotyping! People with Aspergers Syndrome can be insensitive jerks. Sometimes we realize we are being insensitive jerks and sometimes we don't realize it. The important thing is that if someone tells us we are being terrible, that we try to change our behavior. Maybe some with AS aren't even capable of trying, but I know that I try, and that I have improved my behavior.
AND, some people with AS CAN FEEL LOVE! The problem that many with AS have is that, because love is a strong emotion, and strong emotions are confusing and difficult to deal with, we sometimes have difficulty understanding or reacting appropriately to feelings of love. Call it emotional dysregulation if you will, but not an absence of emotion.
Z |
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criss
Toucan
Joined: Jul 20, 2007
Age: 42
Posts: 289
Location: London
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| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 5:49 am Post subject: |
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I have AS and my cognitive and emotional empathic responses are higher that many NT's.
I go to 12 step meetings and often leave feeling that I am the only person there who is capable of being commited and have remained faithful in relationships. Faithfulness is love in action I feel.
I have a 7 year old boy who I love and can demonstrate that love too.
A deep feeling of at one ness or a strong sense of emotional resonance with another can evoke strong feelings of awkwardness and even distress in aspies, as there is a kind of empathic backlash that bares many hallmarks to sensory overload.
However, love is not something most aspies are immune from. Expressing that love is another thing. For many it is a case of aching for what we are unable to bare nor express. But love we most certainly can do, if not very imperfectly like everyone else.
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"We are here on earth for a little space to learn to bear the beams of love." (William Blake)
Thank God for science, but feed me poetry please, as I am one that desires the meal & not the menu. (My own)
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Aridarr
the Homicidal Maniac
Joined: Oct 01, 2005
Age: 20
Posts: 1293
Location: Over the stars...?
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| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 6:49 am Post subject: Re: Inability to love? |
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| DazzleKitty wrote: | | My counselor has worked with Aspies and is a licensed professional in counseling, so I figured she knows what she is talking about. However, what she said kinda shocked me. She told me that those with Asperger's don't have the ability to love. She says they can LIKE someone, but it's a selfish sort of like. For example, an Aspie really likes their friend, but the friend doesn't show up to hang out with him, so he gets mad at him and takes it out on said friend. My ex boyfriend was kinda like this with breaking up. He totally disregarded the fact that there ARE reasons for breaking up with me and acted like a I did a bad thing by dumping him. Perhaps his pride is wounded? |
Oh yeah, because neurologically normal people are invariably completely altruistic and never selfishly hurt their friends or the people they love.  [/sarcasm]
Everyone, Asperger’s or not, reacts badly to being dumped or let down; that doesn't make their love any less real. Part of being in love or having a friend is feeling that you can trust a person not to let you down; when betrayal happens it is completely natural to feel wounded and angry towards a friend or lover. This is not an Asperger's thing; it is a trait inherent to all people, and indeed, all social animals.
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LiendaBalla
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 24, 2007
Age: 30
Posts: 525
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| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 8:30 am Post subject: |
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Your little counselor...'sigh'. You were in a relationship that didn't work for your benifit, so by all means get it off your shoulders. He may feel devasted, not because it's your fault (though it seems like that), but because he needs something he's lacking in friendship and relationship with others. Perhaps he doesn't know how to cope with it any differently than being negative. I've been on his end a little bit. He needs to stop gripeing on his own.
"All aspies have no empathy." Some of us lack expression of empathy, but not always that much. If alot of us knew other people needed certain expressions, when, and how to do them, we would do so most likely. Well, unless the aspies just doesn't give a crud
"All aspies are selfish." (Not blameing you here, it's the counselor that said it.) I found the opposite to be very true in most aspies. There are some selfish aspies perhaps, but not all. heh
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Removing objects and meterial out of our perspective leaves only the thought of our souls. |
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NeantHumain
Phoenix
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Joined: Jun 25, 2004
Posts: 3218
Location: St. Louis, Missouri
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| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 9:15 am Post subject: Re: Inability to love? |
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| DazzleKitty wrote: | | My counselor has worked with Aspies and is a licensed professional in counseling, so I figured she knows what she is talking about. However, what she said kinda shocked me. She told me that those with Asperger's don't have the ability to love. She says they can LIKE someone, but it's a selfish sort of like. |
Frankly, your counselor doesn't know what she's talking about. |
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AndersTheAspie
Angelic Knight
Joined: Feb 07, 2008
Age: 18
Posts: 1862
Location: On the edge of civilization. Denmark.
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| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 5:43 pm Post subject: |
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If the inability to love is required to qualify for AS, then I don't have AS... simple as that!
But I have been diagnosed with it never the less, so one of our psycs don't know what they are talking about.
I love my friends, and I would go to any length to help them. I know I would, so my love for them is not selfish, nor would I ever take anything out on them, no matter how badly I was feeling. Your psych is generalising at best, and ignorant at worst.
(One thing that puzzles me about you post is that you say you are not sure if you want to be with someone who can never love you... how can you be in doubt about that?)
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Once I knew everything, then I got smarter, now the only thing I know is that I know nothing.
Strange how that worked out isn't it? |
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CaptainMac
Snowy Owl
Joined: Mar 10, 2008
Posts: 158
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| Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 8:12 pm Post subject: |
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This person obviously read one textbook and that was it.
Some folks love more than others. For example, in another thread I wrote about a girl who has AS and has this mad crush on me. She's to the point of obsession...I've had to come up with another screen name since she keeps IMming me exactly two seconds after I sign on. (I swear it's some sort of macro program on her computer).
On the other hand, you have me. The industrious, erudite, "don't let anything get in the way of my studies" guy. I don't even want to date anyone at present.
That's not to say I'm incapable of love--I love Jesus and I've loved all my animals--but I'll admit that while I may always get A's in the fields of math, science, language arts, psychology, and social studies, I'd probably be lucky to pull a C- in Empathy 101.
Could I work on it? Probably. Do I want to? It wouldn't be a bad idea. But of course, I wouldn't want anything to get in the way of my studies--and that would take time out from when I could be doing some damage in my classes (I like to set curves).
Of course, you have the love for ideas, and maybe my love for hard work and using all the talents God has given you counts in here? I may not be able to be a boyfriend for someone, but man, can I do a good psychoanalysis on someone. Might as well explore the talent that is more easily developable and will get me further in the long run. |
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GoatMan
Deinonychus
Joined: Jun 05, 2007
Age: 25
Posts: 303
Location: Oregon, U.S.A.
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| Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 1:45 am Post subject: |
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Every situation I have run into that involves having a polite, kind conversation with a female, always ends up the same. The female in question always feels offended, always feels like she's just been stabbed in the back, and all I have done is factually state, in as kind a method as possible, precisely what the situation is.
This isn't just in relationships, but in simple business transactions, as well.
A great example involved me making a phone call to a company while I was processing the accounts payable checks from my company's customers. I had no idea how they wanted to apply their payment towards their invoices, as no records or check stubs had notes of any kind regarding what to do with the credit to their account. So, I gave the company a call, and tried speaking to the receptionist to see if she could transfer me to their accounts payable division.
Five minutes later, after I kindly stated I 1) had received their A/P check, and no errors were present, 2) reassured her everything was fine, and 3) just asked if I could get in contact with someone who wanted to know how they wanted their payment dispersed to their invoices, I get a call from the A/P guy.
The guy is obviously angry, and very gruff over the phone. He's yelling at me because 1) I accused his company of not paying, 2) verbally attacked the receptionist, and 3) this matter was already resolved.
Please note that while I rant and rave like a madman here on the forums, when I am in public, I keep my cool (especially at work, as my paychecks are at stake), and everything is "Yes, Sir,", "No, Ma'am", "Thank you, and let me grab the door for you." This conversation with the receptionist was the same. Everything seemed to be going fine, and I stressed there was no rush, and I was just making sure I was taking care of their accounts payable the way they wanted it handled.
Most sensible, rational people, while annoyed they have to clear something up like this, would appreciate the fact I was taking time out of my schedule to check that things were handled accurately the first time around, instead of blundering through the accounting, and screwing up the aging.
But not when it comes to women. For some reason, every female that I talk to, overhears what I say, or who reads what I write all think I'm an abusive, homicidal psychopath. Men that talk to me (at least men who haven't been feminized, and constantly use "I statements") react similarly to myself in regards to the criticism I receive. They don't get what's wrong with what I said or did.
As for not feeling love, honestly, I don't feel love for people who constantly screw things up. Love for me is dependent on performance rather than personality. If I find you attractive, you honestly express what you're feeling out in the open rather than hiding it to "save my feelings", and you always do what you say you're going to do, I could care less if you constantly kicked me in the groin. I'd still think you were the greatest thing since sliced bread.
A woman, however, who constantly lies, hides her emotions regarding what I say or do, and can't follow through with her promises, she's just outright fired.
I may not experience love, and may never achieve it. However, loyalty with the added bonus of physical attraction, while not love, is a close approximation and more worthy of my time than spending it with disloyal, mutinous half-breeds.
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aaronrey
Sea Gull
Joined: Jul 31, 2007
Age: 27
Posts: 232
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| Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 2:17 am Post subject: |
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| maybe the correct phrase is "the inability to express love". we can love, we just dont do all those sweet talks, presents, flowers, chocolates and all that stuff. we just have a hard time showing the love that we feel. |
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Prof_Pretorius
troubled Soul
Joined: Aug 21, 2006
Age: 50
Posts: 4233
Location: Hiding in the attic of the Arkham Library
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| Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 2:48 am Post subject: |
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All I can say is that My Missus and I have been married for 18 years. It's been up and down, but we understand each other now more than ever before. How NT she is I can't say. But the worst times we've had was due to my undiagnosed depression. She would never describe those times as 'abuse'. She would describe them as difficult, however ....
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