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penny07960
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jun 10, 2008
Age: 44
Posts: 154
Location: US - right coast
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 Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 7:24 am Post subject: Yes - more subject to abuse |
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I believe that we are candidates for abuse for two reasons, one of which was mentioned above.
(1) We tend to be naïve in our ‘reading’ of others intentions.
(2) We tend to have low self-esteem.
The second might rub some readers the wrong way, but I am convinced that it is true. Years of not fitting in, of being passed over, of being the object of scorn, the target for ridicule, etc, takes its toll.
When a woman, e.g., has low self esteem, there is a type of guy who picks up on this and sees us as a meek, exploitable target for his abuses.
I also believe that we are more likely to stay in abusive relationships. Many of us are lonely and “waited so long” or “worked so hard” to get into any kind of a relationship that even a bad relationship seems better than none at all.
Penny |
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Greentea
Bull in China Shop par Excellence!
Joined: Jun 15, 2007
Posts: 2625
Location: Middle East
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 12:23 pm Post subject: |
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I absolutely agree with penny. That's my case, at least. I stopped dating when I just couldn't take the abuse anymore. I had to flee my ex husband because he was violent to me. In each and every relationship I ever had I ended up living their life, the way they wanted to live it, around their needs and wishes, or else I'd be dumped. I had enough of it. And the reason is, of course, as penny says, that I was always more on need of SOME relationship than they were, what with my alienation from family or any friends. I don't agree anymore to be given a bit of relationship in exchange for letting myself be used and abused. I haven't dated in years. And yes, I'm very bitter about it.
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"It is the wounded oyster that mends its shell with pearl" - Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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firelily
Hummingbird
Joined: May 09, 2008
Age: 32
Posts: 20
Location: Asia
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 12:17 pm Post subject: |
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| I've never been in a physically abusive relationship but my low self-esteem has led to thoughts like "he is not a very nice guy but I don't deserve any better / won't be able to find any better, so after all I think I love him and I'll stick with him anyway", which is obviously perfect breeding ground for other forms of abuse. |
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Estafwyn
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jun 20, 2008
Posts: 55
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 4:48 pm Post subject: |
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I am very lucky i have never been in a violent/abusive relationship but i do have very low self-esteem. My boyfriend at the moment is very understanding of my AS. His dad has autism and my boyfriend suspects that he might too so he kind of understands me  and he puts up with little meltdowns  |
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ThatRedHairedGrrl
Deinonychus
Joined: May 11, 2008
Posts: 334
Location: Totally confusing all the passing piranhas
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 2:03 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | There was one guy, who was in a church group with me, who took an interest in me when I was about 18 (he was a few years older). We never really dated, but he would come to my house, pick me up and sit next to me at the meetings. I felt safe with him and it wasn't long before I started falling for him. One day he took me to a party, but ignored me the whole evening. When I confronted him with his behavior, he said that basically all I was to him was some sort of "Big Brother/Little Sister" project, and that he could fulfill my needs but I could never fulfill his; and furthermore there was someone else in the church group he was involved with. That hurt, because he knew how I was starting to feel about him (his friends said so to me) and he had never paid any attention to this other person while I was around. |
OMG, closetaspy, I had more or less exactly that same thing happen to me when I was about 17. And in a religious context, too. In my case the guy always said we were 'just friends' - he just happened to spend more social time with me than with the woman everyone else (except me) knew he was having sex with. Also, this one didn't marry the woman...he met me a couple of years later after he'd split up with her, and did the same thing to me again, with another woman.
I've tended not to be physically abused, but emotionally, yes. I was often, as a teen, manipulated into situations I'd really rather not have gotten into by older, more experienced men (in one case, a relative...who made sure that, within the family, I got the blame for 'leading him on'), and I regard it as near-miraculous that I never did end up physically damaged in any way.
I was also manipulated badly by an ex-husband who took advantage of the fact that I had more or less zero knowledge of what was 'normal' in a relationship - I was his housekeeper and source of sexual gratification, when and how he felt like it, and was not to expect anything from him in return, material (he got us into substantial financial trouble and screwed me out of half a house) or emotional. His whole emotional life was tied up with his friends and his mother, and I came basically nowhere on his radar. And, yes, I think the self-esteem thing is true - I left him, but came back and stayed for another two years before I finally had enough.
If there is any advice I can give is don't get drawn into your parents wishes for you, unless you have a good open relationship with them and they with eachother.
Totally agree. In my case, my mother tried to get me to go back to the ex because she felt he was 'good' for me and that he might succeed in making me Ms. Perfect Housewife like she wanted, and I know that for many years she blamed me for the breakup. (She kept all my old wedding photos for years after the divorce, even after I'd remarried. Is it just me, or is that a bit wrong and weird?)
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Birds scream at the top of their lungs in horrified hellish rage every morning at daybreak to warn us all of the truth but sadly we don't speak bird. |
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ADoyle
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 17, 2005
Age: 33
Posts: 675
Location: Southern California, USA
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 4:10 am Post subject: |
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I was in an emotionally abusive marriage, but somehow realized that it was going to become physical so I got out. I was still undiagnosed with Asperger's, but I think my ex picked up on that, and had I been diagnosed, he would have used that against me. He also screwed me economically as well, using my name in an attempt to get a cellphone, and I only found out when I got the denial letter. It's taken several years for me to repair the damage to my credit rating that he caused.
I spent years in therapy before I was willing to date again, and have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, and longer than I was ever with my ex. My boyfriend treats me far better than my ex ever did.
_________________
"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason,
and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."
- Galileo Galilei |
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Abby26
Blue Jay
Joined: Jul 01, 2008
Age: 13
Posts: 80
Location: ...
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| Posted: Thu Jul 10, 2008 3:08 pm Post subject: |
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| I've been taken advantage of quite a lot. =[ |
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BokeKaeru
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 23, 2008
Age: 21
Posts: 517
Location: Alternately Los Angeles, CA and Northampton, MA
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| Posted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 1:17 am Post subject: |
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| Not all that much. Though I have gotten into some dangerous situations a couple of times because I was naive and didn't understand what people really wanted, once I knew what was being aimed for, I extricated myself from the situation quite quickly. Being asexual and otherwise not keen on invasive or unexpected physical contact, I react to touching beyond my comfort level much in the same way that I do loud noises and bright lights - that is to say, not very well. And in general, with people male or female, various exploitative relationships of several kinds have taught me not to put up with abuse and give the other person whatfor earlier rather than later. |
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LadyMacbeth
They made me do it.
Joined: May 28, 2007
Age: 21
Posts: 1565
Location: In the girls toilets at Hogwarts, washing the blood off my hands.
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| Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 8:12 am Post subject: |
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| ford_prefects_kid wrote: | | delia43 wrote: | | Since we are loyal and hate change, [we] might also be more likely to want to stick around, especially if we've exerted the major effort it takes for us to become intimate with someone. |
I relate to that part a lot, just like missconstrue said.
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Same here. Which is why I was in a relationship for 2 1/2 years before finally getting rid. I was emotionally and mentally abused. I got praised for acting "cute" one minute (in hindsight it was just Aspergers showing), and then acting "childish" the next, depending on his mood. I was told off royally for dropping things or bumping into things, and I deserved it if I hurt myself (now I know it was my dyspraxia). I wasn't allowed to drink, to smoke, to go out, to talk to my friends, to talk to my internet friends (as most of them were boys, a big nono), to dye my hair, to buy new clothes.. I couldn't turn him down when it came to sex, because he made me feel so guilty that I had to just let him anyway, and if he brushed against my side, which is SO sensitive and ticklish, I wasn't allowed to laugh, because he'd sulk again. If he hurt me whilst having sex I'd have to just grit through the pain because nothing I could do would stop him (he weighed about 3/4 more than me). I hated it. He sold all my DVD's that I'd got for Christmas and birthdays because "we need the money".. even after I finally moved back to my mothers.
I do think it was just merely the fact I didn't like change, and I was used to him, and I couldn't imagine finding anyone else because I had no-one at the end, he'd stolen my friends and turned ppl against me. I was distraught for a good 5 months; not eating properly (dropped from 115lbs to 84lbs), contemplating suicide, allsorts. But at least I got out. I might be a bit more the other way now, being demanding and rebellious, but I'm trying to curb it. I now have a man who loves me for who I am, shortcomings and all.
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We are the mutant race!!!! Don't look at my eyes, don't look at my face... |
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spartan_198
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Sep 26, 2007
Age: 21
Posts: 50
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 9:35 pm Post subject: |
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well as much as i'm a guy here and my input dont really count much i can relate to what is being said here in my own unique differntent ways.
I would never abuse or mistreat a woman especially the love of my life who is also a fellow aspie like myself. A lot fo people ask why i am unable to be nasty or show intent to be nasty which id down to the following reasons.
1 - My code of ethics which if i was to break would ensure i would destroy myself
2 - I suffered abuse from my father for 8 years and maplipulated into belueving that i deserved every broken bone i was given as i was defective at birth he would call it
3 - I'm just a general nice guy to everyone.
The above reasons is why i woukd never mistreat or abuse a woman i could not ever consider harming claire in anyway and if i did i would be the one to pown up in court and demand i be punished.
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A Hero Never Dies - Master Chief
The world will end not with a bang but with a whimper |
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traveller011212
Velociraptor
Joined: May 27, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 483
Location: Right here!!
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| Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 10:38 pm Post subject: |
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A statistic I read in the past says that those of us on the spectrum are more likely to experience abuse. Because of this I believe that more of us, male and female, will be more likely to be in abusive relationships that feel familiar.
In my past relationships I was berated, belittled and cheated on. I didn't know that it wasn't normal. I also think that aspies are a little more likely to realize the abuse. |
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ValleyBridetoBe
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Aug 13, 2008
Age: 22
Posts: 38
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 12:32 am Post subject: |
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| I was involved with a ton of the "wrong men". I wanted to see the good in everyone, and love to "help" people, but then I ended up getting used... over and over. Some people would have described me as "desperate" perhaps, but I just got into some awful situations. Finally they either broke up with me or disappeared. I gave up on meeting anyone, and then met my fiance... couldn't be happier. |
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