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Emoal6
Deinonychus
Joined: May 16, 2006
Age: 23
Posts: 303
Location: phoenix AZ
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 Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 2:35 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, Geesmom, my mom thought she was intervening and helping me along the way too. Thats the funny thing. You think you're doing everything you can but you're not even close to it. Here's a question for you, have you ever read a tony atwood book? Do you even know who that is? Do you know who Hans Asperger is and what he described in his papers? Do you know ANYTHING about autism? Cause dear, Its clear through your posts you dont.
You want to get upset because an aspie is over reacting. Next thing you know, when he's 7 and 8, he's gonna start "getting in trouble" at school. And it'll happen, mark my words. And no matter how much work you put in, he's going to realize he's behind. Its a matter of life on the spectrum. I can't tell you when he'll figure it out, for all I know, you may have told him already. Either way, he wont understand why people treat him so horribly. He wont understand why when he says something its a monstrosity but if someone else were to say the same exact thing, they're a comedian.
And you know what, as he starts to get to the good old age of pubescene, he's gonna start to notice that he doesnt have a fair shot at this world. He wont fit in, and only have a few friends. Those few friends will also be "outcasts/misfits", and you'll "disapprove" of them. What you fail to see is that he has no other options at friends. No one else will look at his personality as unique instead of annoying. Not at least unless you move him a couple times in his school career, tell him to lie about who he is and what he's done.
You're gonna have to make the decision of telling your child to either Fake a different character so people like him more(cause you're tired of cleaning eggs off the front door), or deal with being hated for who he REALLY is. He could get jumped, beat up, harassed daily, have to run to the bus stop. And none of this will he tell you. Because you can't help him. He is who he is, and you can only change so much of who you are before you look yourself in the mirror and get sick to your stomach of who you've become for everyone else.
Im not doing this for you, and thats what pisses you off. Im doing this for your son. I understand you couldnt POSSIBLY figure that out. See, you dont know what happens to people with autism. You dont know half the battles you're gonna face, and you're already at YOUR WITS END. I pity your children because as that oldies hit by bto goes,
"BABABABABY YOU JUST AINT SEEN NA NA NA NOTHING YET!" |
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gbollard
cosmic hobo
Joined: Oct 06, 2007
Age: 39
Posts: 3334
Location: Sydney, Australia
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| Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 6:11 pm Post subject: |
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Emoal6, much as I don't want to be negative, this thread was far better when you retired from it.
At your age, and without children of your own, the picture is different.
I'm an aspie and my mother did a lot of things which annoyed me - she still does. However, as a parent, I can see myself doing some of the same things with my apsie and hfa children because they're the best solutions for a given situation.
There are so many things that my wife and I said we'd never do with our kids that we're doing now. Parenthood really does change things and every year we have to ditch more of our "good" ideas because they end up being not practical - and often worse than the so-called "bad" ideas.
Geesmom is here for help and that's really what we should all be giving her. Your vents are fine but really belong in another thread... maybe start a thread of your own called "Annoying things my mother did when I was little". In the meantime, please let us continue helping Geesmom without all this interference. We don't want to read all these off-topic posts in the middle of the on-topic ones.
Thanks.
_________________
Gavin.
http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/ |
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2ukenkerl
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 20, 2007
Posts: 4958
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| Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 6:38 pm Post subject: |
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| Emoal6 wrote: | Hey, Geesmom, my mom thought she was intervening and helping me along the way too. Thats the funny thing. You think you're doing everything you can but you're not even close to it. Here's a question for you, have you ever read a tony atwood book? Do you even know who that is? Do you know who Hans Asperger is and what he described in his papers? Do you know ANYTHING about autism? Cause dear, Its clear through your posts you dont.
You want to get upset because an aspie is over reacting. |
GOOD POINTS!
| Emoal6 wrote: | | Next thing you know, when he's 7 and 8, he's gonna start "getting in trouble" at school. And it'll happen, mark my words. |
That isn't a CERTAINTY.
| Emoal6 wrote: | | And no matter how much work you put in, he's going to realize he's behind. |
He won't necessarily be behind on the whole!
| Emoal6 wrote: | | Its a matter of life on the spectrum. I can't tell you when he'll figure it out, for all I know, you may have told him already. Either way, he wont understand why people treat him so horribly. He wont understand why when he says something its a monstrosity but if someone else were to say the same exact thing, they're a comedian. |
AGAIN, DEAD ON RIGHT!!!!!
| Emoal6 wrote: | | And you know what, as he starts to get to the good old age of pubescene, he's gonna start to notice that he doesnt have a fair shot at this world. He wont fit in, and only have a few friends. Those few friends will also be "outcasts/misfits", and you'll "disapprove" of them. What you fail to see is that he has no other options at friends. No one else will look at his personality as unique instead of annoying. |
RIGHT AGAIN! 8-(
| Emoal6 wrote: | | Not at least unless you move him a couple times in his school career, tell him to lie about who he is and what he's done. |
WRONG! Moving destroys any friendships you had. Rumors may still follow. People are more likely to judge the NEW kid. BTW I changed schools almost every year! It HURT me!
| Emoal6 wrote: | | You're gonna have to make the decision of telling your child to either Fake a different character so people like him more(cause you're tired of cleaning eggs off the front door), or deal with being hated for who he REALLY is. He could get jumped, beat up, harassed daily, have to run to the bus stop. And none of this will he tell you. Because you can't help him. He is who he is, and you can only change so much of who you are before you look yourself in the mirror and get sick to your stomach of who you've become for everyone else. |
Ok, you may be right there. 
| Emoal6 wrote: | | Im not doing this for you, and thats what pisses you off. Im doing this for your son. |
Believe it or not, I think we are ALL trying that tact! In the long run, helping her son WILL help HER! |
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Emoal6
Deinonychus
Joined: May 16, 2006
Age: 23
Posts: 303
Location: phoenix AZ
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 2:57 am Post subject: |
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Hey, sorry no one wants to let this lady in on the secret! That the kid WILL be hated, BY MOST PEOPLE. You obviously havent read enough posts on these forums if you can't believe it. You just dont know the nature of the beast you speak it seems.
Its not my fault that this is all fact in 95% of people with asperger's(no one chooses thier parents). This is what happens to us, if it didnt to you, you got lucky. you're either not nearly affected enough or this is how your life goes. And if someone doesn't intervene soon enough, they'll turn to beating thier kids(autistic children rank amongst the most likely to suffer verbal and physical abuse). Im not okay with that. She needs to learn the facts about autism and asperger's syndrome.
Aspies have hyper/hypo sensitive senses, they follow rituals, they freak out when something goes missing, they have a different understanding of the language they speak than nt's. They have social and motor skill deficiancies(stutter, bad hand eye coordination, clumsyness, awkward gait/posture, this is what happens. Read a damn book and learn that. Im sorry you're too damn ignorant to do that.
You need to accept and understand your child for who he is and work with him, not against him. He wanted to feed the damn dog, oh my god, lets get him all riled up instead of let him do it, send him to bed and then lift the food from the dog. Or not even let the dog in the area. I mean, how hard is that? He's 5, and if you wanna think in autistic years, he's a smart 3 1/2(autistic people usually mature at the rate of 2/3 thier actual years.) So why cant you just be a good mom and let him mature at his speed, not yours? |
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Pandora
Cat Lady
Joined: Jun 18, 2005
Age: 47
Posts: 4684
Location: Townsville
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 3:47 am Post subject: |
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I agree - let the poor little kid feed the dog if it is so important to him. It's the kind of battle that is not worth fighting when there are others that will be more pressing. Life is hard for aspies when their need for routine, being warned of changes and troubles in projecting and understanding body language, are not understood by others.
You certainly will be a nervous wreck if you battle over everything. Better to lower the expectations a little and concentrate on the really crucial things such as saying please and thank you and not allowing your son to hit you.
It's also important to realise that NT values are frequently quite foreign to Aspies. For instance, we value telling the truth very highly (unless it's beaten out of us of course), so we aren't as tactful as some. We often aren't very worried about money or status or being popular. Some of us aren't interested in leaving home and/or marrying and having a family.
But in the meantime, I must reiterate - "choose your battles wisely".
_________________
Break out you Western girls,
Someday soon you're gonna rule the world.
Break out you Western girls,
Hold your heads up high.
"Western Girls" - Dragon
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Pandora
Cat Lady
Joined: Jun 18, 2005
Age: 47
Posts: 4684
Location: Townsville
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 3:51 am Post subject: |
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| 2ukenkerl wrote: | | Pandora wrote: | | One thing it is important to stress is when a person is venting about something, they should include a disclaimer to that effect. Given that a number of us adults who respond to questions here are on the spectrum ourselves and prone to taking statements very literally, we need to be able to tell the difference between a person just letting off steam and one who is in desperate need of help. |
Well, there ARE two kinds of venting. Tangential, like what you suggest might apply to, and influenced, like what happened here. If someone misreads a post, and starts reacting to their understanding of the post due to their experience, you can't expect them to say they are venting. It is intended for a purpose. They DON'T usually "need help" though!
And, HOPEFULLY, you WILL logically consider everything.
I MYSELF have taken things literally, but never to a dangerous degree with my OWN stuff. In fact, if it sounds off the wall, I generally ask. Parents HAVE to do that EVERYWHERE! |
I mean in the original post, it helps so much if the person can say if they are venting only. I find it almost impossible in real life to understand when people are venting and come in and say things such as "why do you put up with it if it so bad?" and then they get cranky and act rudely.
If they only want to vent, they should say so and not leave us guessing. (I'm not talking about requests for help on this forum - instead, what I have experienced in real life).
On the other hand, if I complain about something in real life, I am hardly ever just venting. It is something of a cry for help but other people often act as I'm only letting off steam instead of taking it seriously.
_________________
Break out you Western girls,
Someday soon you're gonna rule the world.
Break out you Western girls,
Hold your heads up high.
"Western Girls" - Dragon
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gbollard
cosmic hobo
Joined: Oct 06, 2007
Age: 39
Posts: 3334
Location: Sydney, Australia
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 4:34 am Post subject: |
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Lets just examine this dog-feeding incident...
1. Dog has just been fed.
2. Child wants to feed the dog.
3. Child is unable to get what he wants and throws a tantrum.
now...
Do we do as Emoal6 says and let him feed the dog and then lift the food from the dog later?
Well, you could... result - happy child, zero learning, problem next time.
Do we explain that the dog is already fed and not permit a second feeding...
Again, you could but the result would be a screaming child, minimal learning and unhappy parents.
IMHO; I think that the best way is to tell the child that he is unable to feed the dog this time. Make appropriate apologies and perhaps give them a little extra food (a scoobie snack or something) for the dog.
You can then setup a routine for future use.
Children need to learn that they can't get their way all the time - and especially not if they throw a fit.
_________________
Gavin.
http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/ |
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ouinon
chemical reaction
Joined: Jul 11, 2007
Posts: 3551
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 6:41 am Post subject: |
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Behavioural help? Reduce overload.
Does he have to go to school?
My son home-unschools, and has been able to learn and develop at his own speed/rhythm, and in his own way.
To me this is key. The time and peace and security of his own home, lots of time, and no pressure.
He has made huge strides, and is happy.
School is a very recent invention. It isn't the bible and be all of education. My son learned to read on his own, in his own time. No one taught him.
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Pandora
Cat Lady
Joined: Jun 18, 2005
Age: 47
Posts: 4684
Location: Townsville
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 7:09 am Post subject: |
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Oh, what I meant was to let the child feed the dog first - not after the dog had already been fed.
_________________
Break out you Western girls,
Someday soon you're gonna rule the world.
Break out you Western girls,
Hold your heads up high.
"Western Girls" - Dragon
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2ukenkerl
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 20, 2007
Posts: 4958
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 8:36 am Post subject: |
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| Emoal6 wrote: | Hey, sorry no one wants to let this lady in on the secret! That the kid WILL be hated, BY MOST PEOPLE. You obviously havent read enough posts on these forums if you can't believe it. You just dont know the nature of the beast you speak it seems.
Its not my fault that this is all fact in 95% of people with asperger's(no one chooses thier parents). This is what happens to us, if it didnt to you, you got lucky. you're either not nearly affected enough or this is how your life goes. And if someone doesn't intervene soon enough, they'll turn to beating thier kids(autistic children rank amongst the most likely to suffer verbal and physical abuse). Im not okay with that. She needs to learn the facts about autism and asperger's syndrome. |
SOME said/say they LIKE me. Granted, some hate me for NO reason. As for my parents, it was VERBAL abuse only. Of course, some bullies provided the physical abuse. I HAVE given examples elsewhere here about that. So I HAVE seen that. If not for that, I might not be here.
| Emoal6 wrote: | | Aspies have hyper/hypo sensitive senses, they follow rituals, they freak out when something goes missing, they have a different understanding of the language they speak than nt's. They have social and motor skill deficiancies(stutter, bad hand eye coordination, clumsyness, awkward gait/posture, this is what happens. |
For what it is worth, I have THIS ALSO! If not for the above four things, lack of appreciation/abuse/social deficiencies(I consider the three to be part of the same symptom), skewed senses, different understanding, motor skill deficiencies, I WOULDN'T be here. The interests/social problems got me to look at AS, and the skewed senses got me to say *****WOW*****, the rest just makes me think this must be it.
| Emoal6 wrote: | | You need to accept and understand your child for who he is and work with him, not against him. He wanted to feed the damn dog, oh my god, lets get him all riled up instead of let him do it, send him to bed and then lift the food from the dog. Or not even let the dog in the area. I mean, how hard is that? He's 5, and if you wanna think in autistic years, he's a smart 3 1/2(autistic people usually mature at the rate of 2/3 thier actual years.) So why cant you just be a good mom and let him mature at his speed, not yours? |
Only ONE mistake you made in that last statement. Autistic people mature slow EMOTIONALLY. In some mental ways, the potential is supposed to increase faster. It is almost like the robbing peter to pay paul idea. The neurons that WOULD have been in some emotional and social areas are used for OTHER things instead. So YEAH, they LOSE, but they GAIN as well! It isn't ALL bad.
BTW I DID say to give into the child a bit. I think to do otherwise is a LITTLE cruel. NOT NEARLY as bad as the other thread where the mother was pushing the hypersensitive toddler into a VERY noisy environment, but still bad.
I'm surprised you didn't talk about the meltdowns, etc.... I HAVE had those ALSO. And that MIGHT explain tantrums, which I haven't had. |
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gbollard
cosmic hobo
Joined: Oct 06, 2007
Age: 39
Posts: 3334
Location: Sydney, Australia
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 7:13 pm Post subject: |
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| Emoal6 wrote: | | Hey, sorry no one wants to let this lady in on the secret! That the kid WILL be hated, BY MOST PEOPLE. You obviously havent read enough posts on these forums if you can't believe it. You just dont know the nature of the beast you speak it seems. |
I don't think it follows that you will be automatically hated.
I think it depends on how your aspergers manifests. ie: How you behave in response to your aspie problems.
I was always the last to be picked for teams etc and I wasn' someone who was "popular" at school but I ended up with my own "nerd-group" and we're still friends today.
As an adult, I'm often one of the most well-liked people where I work because I work hard and am not very judgmental of others. I try to see the good in everyone and everything. Sure, I get taken advantage of for that, but I'm certainly not hated.
_________________
Gavin.
http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/ |
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Emoal6
Deinonychus
Joined: May 16, 2006
Age: 23
Posts: 303
Location: phoenix AZ
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 11:37 pm Post subject: |
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Hey gbollard, take EVERYTHING I SAY IN CONTEXT. Im speakin during school years(pre-school through senior year hs), and as you yourself just admitted, you werent popular. Wether or not it was your choice matters not. Its how AS manifests IN GENERAL that holds us back. Thats why different people have different problems, yet their still correlated, they're under the same umbrella of symptoms. You had nerd friends, way to go. Anyone and everyone did.
This world is based on your social status tho, and the lower you are, the harder it gets. Well, AS already puts you near the bottom to begin with instead of middle of the road like every other kid. Besides, pay attention to the total story here. Im showing her that she has way more important things to be worried about then a kid freaking out because thier favorite toy is missing. Then wanting to feed the dog. Then writing on walls for that matter. So what, you gotta clean it up. Big deal. The kid is being creative, look at the positives. The kid cares about his things and he wants to help out. Get over this bs already and move forward without caring about these little "problems". |
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Geesmom
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Jun 01, 2008
Posts: 34
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 7:16 pm Post subject: |
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| Pandora wrote: | | Oh, what I meant was to let the child feed the dog first - not after the dog had already been fed. |
We are letting "the child" feed the dog *now*. Where did I ever say that he wasn't allowed to feed our dog? Problem is, when the tantrum occurred, my husband and I weren't aware that G wanted to start feeding the dog, he never showed an interest in it up until that point. We cannot read minds, so the problem wasn't going to be resolved in that moment. |
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Geesmom
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Jun 01, 2008
Posts: 34
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 7:32 pm Post subject: |
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emoal6, I think my son might be much higher functioning than you might be, based on your posts (but thanks anyway). And, you have no idea how much I have researched, read and the specialists and therapy he's been to, so yes, I feel I have a much better knowledge that basic knowledge of Aspergers.
As I stated earlier, many of these problems have been somewhat resolved because I think G has been sick with a sinus infection and I try to keep him off of antibiotics, but this time he needed them.
We are trying to strike a balance as a family as to how much of his ritualistic behaviors we can accommodate and still function with the least amount of stress, both on G's part and the rest of the family. Much of it is trial and error and whether or not he is capable of understanding when and why we cannot accommodate him. Most of the time, he is. I don't know why we went through that rough patch where he was testing our wills, but it seems to have passed just as it does with every child. It sure is frustrating when you feel as if you're at your wits end and then it all just passes over, like a bad storm. |
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Emoal6
Deinonychus
Joined: May 16, 2006
Age: 23
Posts: 303
Location: phoenix AZ
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 4:28 am Post subject: |
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Hey Geesmom, for your information, i have a 140 +or- 5 IQ, Tested by the united states air force. I think you have no idea what you're talking about. You want to come on this site for PEOPLE WITH ASPERGERS SYNDROME, made by a person with asperger's syndrome, and tell them they dont know what they're talking about. Thats fine lady, you're really intelligent. The experts are the people who DEAL WITH IT, not those who STUDY IT. Get real lady, Im sorry you cant stand being wrong, that you have no idea what you're in for. I tried to warn ya, tried to help ya. Too bad for you.
Best part about it, I grew up outside of chicago, just like your kid's gonna. HAHAHAHA, you're screwed! Kids are BRUTAL in the midwest, exceptionally in the suburbs. Those are the kids with money and parent who buy them toys and nice clothes. They have this high standard on people you can't even imagine(even at 7). Theres no comparison really, and I've lived all over this country(IL, ALASKA, TEXAS, CALIFORNIA, RENO, ARIZONA). You just dont know what you're up against! But like I said. we'll see in 10 years when you're expecting too much from your son and you're "at your wits end" for the millionth time over the SAME REASON! Have fun "ma"  |
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