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johnners
Blue Jay
Joined: Sep 24, 2007
Age: 36
Posts: 97
Location: California (originally from the UK)
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 Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 5:08 pm Post subject: Just be yourself! |
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The phrase "just be yourself" can mean different things to different people:
Sometimes it means just that "just be yourself", act like you would normally.
But sometimes you get the feeling it means "look, here's some general, non-specific advice that will, hopefully, mean you'll leave me alone and not expect me to sort out your lack of a love-life" or "I don't know, do I? erm, gotta think of something, erm, ah, yes, Just be Yourself!"
Serves one right for pouring your heart out to someone who couldn't really give a fig. |
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crackedpleasures
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 14, 2007
Posts: 1793
Location: In between the bright lights and the far unlit unknown, CZ
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 6:29 pm Post subject: |
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| Social_Fantom wrote: | | crackedpleasures wrote: | | Would you feel happy when you conform and then have a girlfriend, realising you have to constantly wear a mask to not lose her? |
Hell no. I've always felt that anyone that doesn't like me for me isn't worth my time.
I guess that's another reason I've never had a girl friend, that and the few times I have been hit on I failed to recognize it. 
But yeah, I'm not putting on a mask for anyone. I was considering it but you steered me back to my old self, thank you very much. 
I'm not saying conformity is bad or anything. It's just that I swore never to conform to my peers because of the way they treated me. It's my way of getting even with them in a safe way. |
Don't focus too much on "I never had a girlfriend" and such. Be patient, and wait for the right girl. There is no point to join the masquerade and become a player if that isn't the real you, that won't give you any fulfillment. Just be the person you really are and sooner or later you will meet a girl who likes you for that specific reason: the person you really are. And then you're settled
Just don't focus too much on "I never had a girlfriend" (I haven't neither by the way). It is not a race against the clock, just be patient and sooner or later she will be there, probably even when you least expect it.
Now hopefully the same will apply to me as well, I've always been single all my life. But I wouldn't change myself just to change my lovelife status. Some people told me to put off my make-up or I will never find a woman... or to start going clubbing to find a woman. Well, twice the same answer: NO. I prefer to wait for the girl that just likes me for who I am. It may take a longer while than for the average person, but I am in no rush...
_________________
You did it again, yes, you in the mirror
You put your faith in a cruel world...
All my dead friends come to haunt, harm and hinder
Never letting go, here to drag me down to hell
(London After Midnight) |
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Cyberman
Cyber Leader
Joined: Apr 25, 2008
Posts: 1343
Location: Cyber Control
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 7:07 pm Post subject: |
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| crackedpleasures wrote: | | Just don't focus too much on "I never had a girlfriend" (I haven't neither by the way). It is not a race against the clock, just be patient and sooner or later she will be there, probably even when you least expect it. |
And that brings us to another completely illogical BS piece of advice which I keep hearing... "Oh don't worry... just be patient... you'll find that special someone someday." I'm sorry, but I really don't believe that... I see it as over-optimistic thinking (if you can call it "thinking.") Many Aspies are just not designed to be compatible with others... not ALL, but MANY. Sometimes you can fix that, but sometimes you can't. However, I strongly agree with you that having a "love-life" isn't worth going against who you are. |
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gbollard
cosmic hobo
Joined: Oct 06, 2007
Age: 39
Posts: 3330
Location: Sydney, Australia
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 7:38 pm Post subject: |
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Lets just focus on your fatguy example;
| I always saw people tell to a fat guy: "Just be yourself" , they can't be honest enough to tell him that his weight might be an obstacle. wrote: | |
1. Weight is only an obstacle to people who have problems with weight. Some people don't like waifs either.
2. If the fat guy could go and have all the fat cut off easily, cheaply and painlessly, then he could BE someone new - but that would still be "being himself".
Now, suppose the fat guy is on an internet chat room and describes himself as a tanned bronzed muscly guy. Then he goes out to meet the woman of his dreams. When they meet in person, she would be so annoyed by his lies/deception that he'd be worse off than if he'd been honest in the first place.
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Gavin.
http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/ |
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MissConstrue
~Age of Aquarius~
Joined: Feb 05, 2008
Posts: 12112
Location: Anywhere but HERE!
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 10:41 pm Post subject: Re: Just be yourself! |
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| Quote: | | The phrase "just be yourself" can mean different things to different people: |
QFT. People keep using "Just be yourself" like it means one thing. There is such a thing as social etiquette in everday life. For example, you don't have to come off as rude to people just to be honest for honest's sake, there are better ways at putting truth into words.
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Oh you can't help that. We're all mad here.
__Cheshire
6thSin:Envy |
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Rynok
Velociraptor
Joined: Jun 11, 2008
Age: 23
Posts: 416
Location: San Antonio, Texas
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 11:41 pm Post subject: |
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I don't think this is true at all: "Your single because you just don't love women enough, because if you did, you'd have a girlfriend." I fail to even see the logic in that, as if women magically know that you really love women and thus you exude these pheromones that say "I'm dateable" and they swarm to the rescue like honey bees to pollinating flowers. Maybe I misunderstood.
When you take words literally, "Just be yourself" I would take to mean exactly as LePetitPrince stated. If you infer, twist things around, and read between the lines you can get all sorts of things, including the "Even if your faking, your still yourself because you can't leave your body, thus you are and always shall be forever yourself" belief.
The best advice I've gotten to date is from a girl online (game I play), from another state, with whom I talk to constantly. All the other advice every time was either, "Go party" or "Be yourself" or "Your just kinda weird" (none of those 3 helped of course). |
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windscar15
Velociraptor
Joined: Feb 17, 2008
Age: 19
Posts: 431
Location: San Jose, California
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 11:44 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | windscar15
I'm beginning to think that LePetitPrince is misinterpreting advice and copping out for it by saying its BS. He did the same thing with the self-confidence BS thread. Granted a lot of what you said are very valid points and self-improvement is really what can be magnetic. Especially for the guy who would rather read a stupid book at home because bars and restaurants scare him. For pete's sake, I went to an Applebee's in New Jersey and some drunk guys got into a fight and it was not scary but entertaining. If you admit that staying at home locked away in a room online while the rest of the world has fun is boring, then go out and have fun , simple as that. Don't waste time stating the obvious. Don't think by admitting you have a problem, it automatically makes it go away. |
Stop trying to play the shrink role , I am honest with my opinion about the JBY and the self-confidence and I do believe in what I think , I am trying to fool myself or to cope out or to hide any weakness of my self. Your assumptions and accusations are based on nothing except your own shrinky skills.
Nice try thought ....Dr.Phil-Wannabe.
| Quote: | | I went to an Applebee's in New Jersey and some drunk guys got into a fight and it was not scary but entertaining. If you admit that staying at home locked away in a room online while the rest of the world has fun is boring, then go out and have fun , simple as that. |
Ahhh another "go to a party" advice. It's not a bad advice tho but Applebee's food really sucks. Why you are here if you are that outgoing and easygoing anyways? Going to a party alone is another issue..there's a whole thread posted by someone there.[/quote]
first of all, bite me
Secondly the way you reacted to that indicates to me that I hit the nail on the head.
The reason why I go on here is connect with people with the same affliction as to have a kind of bond, while that was true at first, it appears being part of a group is not all its cracked up to be...
That was no party, I ate dinner there because I got off the plane at 10:00 PM and that was all that was open. There you have it. |
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makuranososhi
Purple Monkey Dishwasher
Joined: May 13, 2008
Posts: 2388
Location: Arizona
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 12:42 am Post subject: |
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Disagree with the premise entirely.. I don't think the point of the advice is to go out and act a fool, to fail to learn from experience - that's asinine in my eyes. But to create a 'false self' to advertise for a mate is a recipe for disaster. I've dated those whose facade did not match their personae, and it is distressed, distasteful... hurtful. Will everyone like me for who I am? No, not even close - but I'll appreciate the ones who do more than any treasure on Earth. Callouses are dangerous things... allowed to grow too thick, we no longer feel when we grasp the fiery irons. I tried to play the game when I was young; learned all too quick that it is begging for disaster. While it may work for some of you, my experience is the contrary - be yourself, learn, and adjust. Do not wear a mask, do not pretend, do not demand and do not rush. Other people do not operate on your schedule.
M.
_________________
He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts.
From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand my intentions...?
Why choose a lesser evil? Vote Cthulhu 2008! |
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traveller011212
Velociraptor
Joined: May 27, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 483
Location: Right here!!
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 12:49 am Post subject: |
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How about the advice "be the best version of yourself you can". Being fake is spotted a mile away by most people, especially when aspies do it. Also, Windscar15 is right, like it or not.
Maybe all this anger that LePetitPrince has comes out in person, and not just online. If I were a women I would run the other way.
A quote for confidence also, "women don't flirt when you look sexy, they flirt when they feel sexy." Discuss. |
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Social_Fantom
Unmasked
Joined: Feb 23, 2008
Age: 24
Posts: 11727
Location: Dobson, North Carolina
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 12:55 am Post subject: |
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| traveller011212 wrote: | | "be the best version of yourself you can" |
There ya go. 
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Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
-Confucius |
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makuranososhi
Purple Monkey Dishwasher
Joined: May 13, 2008
Posts: 2388
Location: Arizona
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 1:16 am Post subject: |
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| Social_Fantom wrote: | | traveller011212 wrote: | | "be the best version of yourself you can" |
There ya go. |
Seconded.
M.
_________________
He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts.
From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand my intentions...?
Why choose a lesser evil? Vote Cthulhu 2008! |
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ghostpawn
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Feb 16, 2008
Age: 26
Posts: 40
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 2:19 am Post subject: |
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You mean like "be all you can be", only without getting shipped off to a foreign country to be shot at by people you don't even know?
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"Problems have problems too." - me
If you like strategy or board games, try this:
http://fogchess.gamedruid.com/ |
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sojournertruth
Toucan
Joined: Dec 02, 2007
Posts: 266
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 2:25 am Post subject: |
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Be a person that you, yourself, can respect.
If you are looking for a long-term relationship with someone who loves you for yourself, then pretending to be something that you're not is rather counter-productive, yes? So be respectable, and then be yourself.
On the other hand, if you're looking for quick sex that you don't have to pay for, or a relationship based on sex that you don't have to pay for, you'll either need to find people who want the same (rare but not non-existent in women) or do your best to hide that fact. |
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Cyberman
Cyber Leader
Joined: Apr 25, 2008
Posts: 1343
Location: Cyber Control
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 2:33 am Post subject: |
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| ghostpawn wrote: | | You mean like "be all you can be", only without getting shipped off to a foreign country to be shot at by people you don't even know? |
Very well put.
With all the risk-taking involved in dating, you might as well be getting shot at in a foreign country. |
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LePetitPrince
Feminist activist O_o
Joined: Mar 03, 2006
Age: 26
Posts: 3566
Location: Beirut , Lebanon
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 2:42 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | Maybe all this anger that LePetitPrince has comes out in person, and not just online. If I were a women I would run the other way. |
I dunno why WP users tend to create accusations in their heads and post them here or try to play pro shrinks. I was just expressing my feeling about this advice , it's not like I go to work at morning by showing a face of "GRRRRR" "  :" . It's really ridiculous how you people make such silly assumptions. What is here is just a written text and a written text just express a particular feeling about a particular thing, it doesn't project the whole behavior or character of the writer.
Oh you have a Sephiroth avatar!!! ===So you are evil and full of anger and hatred and you want to kill the world.  |
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