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No_YOU_get_over_it
Toucan
Joined: Jun 29, 2008
Posts: 255
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 Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 4:32 pm Post subject: |
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See, a lot of what I heard about wasn't Aspie - it was downright deliberate meanness by the men, which they'd probably learned by being coddled and nagged by frustrated parents. That said, the "solutions" the women shared among each other wouldn't ever have worked on an NT man.
They chased me off the board, too, which I thought was wild. I could have come onto WP, placed an ad for a boyfriend, sent a picture of Pamela Andersen, and then I'd have qualified to participate in their little partners-of-Aspies-only club. There were in fact women on there with internet relationships.
Whatever. I wish both sides would give a bit more effort and lower the blaming. NTs, please try to communicate halfway logically. Draw us diagrams, answer questions about numbers with numbers. Aspies, let's take some responsibility for how we interact; life ain't easy for anybody.
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- NYGOI
NB: contents of above post represent my opinion at time of post only. YMMV, NAYY, and most importantly, IALBTC! |
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Kindern
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Mar 14, 2008
Posts: 51
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| Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 5:52 pm Post subject: |
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I work it in early in all my relationships, well before they become my lover. My main tactic is to slowly work into the conversation one of my autistic "talents" such as the ability to hear higher pitched noise or feel the vibrations of someone walking past my house and then say nonchalantly that its due to my autism.
Some people are put off but hey... mostly people aren't
xoxox |
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crackedpleasures
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 14, 2007
Posts: 1828
Location: In between the bright lights and the far unlit unknown, CZ
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| Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 6:40 pm Post subject: |
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I tell her straight away, first meeting or second meeting. But then almost anyone knows I have AS. Family, colleagues, friends, ... I make no secret of it, I don't see the point of hiding something I am not ashamed for. So I am very open about having AS, so when meeting a nice girl I don't see any reason to hide it. I think it would just come spontaneously, I would not think about a right moment or time to tell, it will just be told whenever the subject would spontaneously come across. Which may very well be early during the first meetings. If she judges you for it, then she's not worth your attention anyway, no nice girl will judge you for it.
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You did it again, yes, you in the mirror
You put your faith in a cruel world...
All my dead friends come to haunt, harm and hinder
Never letting go, here to drag me down to hell
(London After Midnight) |
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sinsboldly
Free Range Aspie
Joined: Nov 22, 2006
Age: 59
Posts: 13219
Location: Oregon, USA
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| Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 7:58 pm Post subject: |
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| donkey wrote: | they are cross for a number of reasons........mainly "living a lie"
they feel cheated out of a real meaningfull and connected life.
they also feel annoyed that they have had to modify and change their behaviour so much to accomodate their partners needs.
they seem to feel cheated that when they were courting that they were happy with the level of attention they were receiving but once married they seemed ot feel ignored.
there is a lot of AS behaviour that can be attributed to these feelings. but in all relationships there is always two parties involved and a lot of these women have become so disenfranchised with their environment they are bitterness personified. |
well, I have to say I identify with those women. I feel like I have been living a lie and cheated out of a real meaningful and connected life, myself! I have had to modify and change my behaviour all my life to fit in with other people. I am angry and reaf frustrated, too.
why didn't anyone tell me I was AS before I was 55?? (crosses her arms and frowns. . and then says "hhuuumph!"
Merle
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where sin abounds, grace abounds the more;
Non omnis moriar |
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Etoile_Estrella
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Aug 08, 2008
Age: 21
Posts: 29
Location: Athens, GA
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| Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 11:20 pm Post subject: |
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Speaking as someone who is NT, this is my perspective on it:
Just as with any conversation you have, make an effort to integrate it in whenever it seems related to the subject. For example, if someone you're dating notices an atypical behavior that's related to AS, you might casually say, "Oh yeah, actually I have Asperger's. Have you heard of that?" If they say no, you can briefly explain it. If they say yes, you can just continue your earlier topic of conversation or talk more about it, depending on their lead.
I'm on a dating site and somebody on there mentioned it on their profile. Since I'm interested in the syndrome, that didn't bother me at all, but for other NTs that might freak them out a little bit, the same as if you said, "Hi, I'm Tiffani, I have a clubbed foot." Not that it's the same thing, but you might want to hold off on the clubbed foot discussion until you're shoe shopping or they see your foot or something. Same thing with AS. Hold off until it's relevant, that way you're not throwing it in their face and expecting them to know what to say or do about it.
Also, I was interested in the earlier discussion about how some people have said they wouldn't have married their partner if they'd known they had Asperger's. To me that just sounds like b.s. People are who they are. There's a spectrum of personalities. True, some people who are farther to one side of the spectrum have a name for their characteristics, but giving it a name doesn't DETERMINE those characteristics. So unless this spouse had never met their aspie before they got married, finding out a diagnosis shouldn't change anything. It's how the aspie was before; now it just has a name.
Hope this helps! |
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poopylungstuffing
doh-skoh-bee-doh
Joined: Mar 09, 2007
Age: 34
Posts: 6406
Location: Super Happy Fun Land, TX
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| Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 12:50 pm Post subject: |
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Well...with Flakey...he just had to accept the fact that I am on Aspie board all the time....for the first several months he was very cynical about it...calling me a hypochondriac and constatnly denounced the notion that I might be on the autistic spectrum....um...even though he knew I had alot of idiosyncracies and dysfunctions all along.....which he chalked down to um....'general undefined craziness" and "low self-esteem"......His take was "There is definitely something wrong with you, but that does not make you an Aspie"......he gradually grudgingly has become more accepting.
With my other friend....I just sorta casually peppered it into the conversation....and he was like...oh yeah...I think i might have it too....(which he just might  )
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Semi_Lost_Serenity
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jun 01, 2007
Age: 27
Posts: 160
Location: Insanity
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| Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 11:42 pm Post subject: |
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I tell everyone up front. It's either that or have it all end in disastrous and with me on a near mental breakdown from all the stress of "hiding". The curse is that I appear "normal", except for the meltdowns when everyone wondering what's wrong with me. I can only take so much overload (sensory, anxiety, auditory processing, etc) before exploding. So, in telling people beforehand, it is easier to prevent the blowups and them leaving me because I'm "crazy".
That, and at least I know the person or employment is the right "fit" for me. If they leave or whatever, then it was not meant to be because I don't want to date/work for someone who's not going to accept me for who I am, HFA and all.
Worked for employment; just wish it can work in the relationship department <different story altogether>.
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"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference." Robert Frost |
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Xanderbeanz
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 09, 2008
Age: 26
Posts: 830
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| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 4:22 pm Post subject: ... |
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| i'd just tell em right away, i'm perfectly fine with my asperger's...if they find me interesting for it, then that's great...but if they're freaked out in anyway, they're clearly not right for me and i'll consign them to the dumping grounds...XD |
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JimmyNeurtonRules
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 08, 2006
Age: 18
Posts: 643
Location: Retroville
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| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 4:26 pm Post subject: |
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| I told one of my friends (who is a girl) that I was autistic and she was cool with it. |
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LeKiwi
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 27, 2007
Posts: 2651
Location: The murky waters of my mind...
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| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 6:55 pm Post subject: |
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I told my partner about a two months into us actually being a couple, though we were extremely close for about a year before we got together and it was going to happen anyway. I wasn't necessarily worried about telling him, I just wanted to wait for the right moment. One night we were out and about and I needed to escape a bit, so I went for a walk... he followed and I just explained why I needed some space. He didn't seem to care, just asked a bit about it and then conversation moved on.
A month or two later I bought the book 'all cats have asperger syndrome' and showed him that, we sat in bed together one morning and went through page by page, with me explaining how the thing on the page related to me and my life, and he understood it far better that way.
I just figure that by the time you're together and dating it shouldn't matter too much because it doesn't change who you are, it just explains a few things. And if you're with someone for life then it's bound to pop up because no aspie is ever without a meltdown moment or overload or anything, so they have to know so they can help you and support you when you get like that, even if it's just making excuses to get away from a situation or something. No point denying it, and it can help them understand who you are and why you do the weird things you do.
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We are a fever, we are a fever, we ain't born typical...
New Blog: http://onelittleaspergian.blogspot.com/ |
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Praetorius
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Feb 21, 2007
Posts: 190
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| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 8:54 pm Post subject: Re: When ideal to tell lover your an aspie? |
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| TrojanPower83 wrote: | | I was just wondering what everyone's opinion was on telling a girl or a guy you've been seeing that you have Asperger's disorder? When is too soon? When is too late? |
Use it as an opener! Be like this:
"Hey guys. Lemmie get your opinion on something real quick. I've got to get back to my friends in a minute, but I was wondering... Would you date somebody with Asperger's syndrome?" Then you can briefly explain what Asperger's syndrome is and tell a story about your "unnamed friend" who has it. Make it so they figure out you're talking about yourself. I dunno. Could work as a pick-up. |
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No_YOU_get_over_it
Toucan
Joined: Jun 29, 2008
Posts: 255
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| Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 1:59 pm Post subject: Re: When ideal to tell lover your an aspie? |
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| Praetorius wrote: | Use it as an opener! Be like this:
"Hey guys. Lemmie get your opinion on something real quick. |
ROTFLMAO.
It just might work. At least it wouldn't come off as sleazy as the stupid "c@cky-funny" cr@p that's anything but funny.
_________________
- NYGOI
NB: contents of above post represent my opinion at time of post only. YMMV, NAYY, and most importantly, IALBTC! |
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crackedpleasures
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 14, 2007
Posts: 1828
Location: In between the bright lights and the far unlit unknown, CZ
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| Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 5:00 pm Post subject: |
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If it is the right person, it can even bring you closer together. Trusting each other on something considered more private, can actually have a very positive effect. The girls I have been close with all knew of my AS in a very early stage and never made an issue of it, with one of them it was the contrary: she was very curious to hear the details of it and then started to trust me with her own psychological issues as well. It can create a bond.
I guess I am an open-and-out aspie though. i would even tell a random stranger on the bus. Why hide it? I cannot think of any honest reason to do so. The sole exception may be a job interview but even then I am somewhat against playing a masquerade because by telling straight away you know that if you are hired you will not have to keep up your mask.
_________________
You did it again, yes, you in the mirror
You put your faith in a cruel world...
All my dead friends come to haunt, harm and hinder
Never letting go, here to drag me down to hell
(London After Midnight) |
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poopylungstuffing
doh-skoh-bee-doh
Joined: Mar 09, 2007
Age: 34
Posts: 6406
Location: Super Happy Fun Land, TX
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| Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 10:29 am Post subject: |
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i am often instructed not to bring it up with random people  ...I do anyway......it often helps break the ice....I perceive that it helps some people understand why I may come off as "off" or annoying....or distant....or uncomfortable....or nervous...or overly sensitive...or standoffish...or blunt....or why I might not recognise them...or why sometimes I can't control the volume of my voice and will repeat the smae things over and over again...and so forth.....
I told some members of my bicycle group.
They seem a bit more tolerant of me now....but that could just be my perception....
_________________
http://www.youtube.com/user/MsPuppetrina
http://www.youtube.com/poopylungstuffing
http://www.superhappyfunland.com
"Ifthefoolwouldpersistinhisfolly,hewouldbecomewise" |
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michel
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 13, 2007
Age: 39
Posts: 725
Location: California
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| Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 11:36 am Post subject: |
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First date.
It's part of my charm.  |
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