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prometheuspann
Deinonychus
Joined: Aug 28, 2008
Age: 38
Posts: 320
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 Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 5:58 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | I regret having opened this thread. It's full of cravens and whiners. |
it was doing fine on that count before you joined the craven whiners.
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slowmutant
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 14, 2008
Age: 30
Posts: 11411
Location: Ontario, Canada
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 6:00 pm Post subject: |
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| Had I known about the cravens and whiners going in ... |
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Rainstorm5
Tornado Aficionado
Joined: Feb 20, 2008
Posts: 1103
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 6:00 pm Post subject: |
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| t0 wrote: | | slowmutant wrote: | | You don't know how good you've got it, slick. If you had no friends to call you out, you'd whine about that too. |
Agreed. Stand up for yourself and decline the invitations to things you don't want to do. |
In defense of the O.P., my husband has always forced me to interract with people in social situations and though I usually felt stupid and awkward, I look back on all the places we went and people we've met (that I wouldn't have, had I been on my own) and I don't regret going. It never feels good to get shoved out of one's comfort zone, and even though some people mean well, to keep forcing social situations & such on a person who isn't open to it may not help them, either. NTs (like my husband) seem to think that if they keep exposing you (as an Aspie) to social gatherings and forcing you to meet people, that sooner or later you'll 'get over' your tendency to stay to yourself. Thing that they don't understand is the 'hermit-like' behavior is one of the things that sets people with AS apart from NTs. We can't just flip a switch and 'get over it.' But I agree with the others here -- it's better that you get out there and meet people no matter how agonizing it may be for you. I didn't like it either, but at the same time, I can say that thanks to my husband I've actually had some semblance of a 'life.' You can't hide from the outside world forever...
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Terminal Outsider, rogue graphic designer & lunatic fringe. |
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anna-banana
indifferent peapod
Joined: Aug 31, 2008
Age: 26
Posts: 5598
Location: Europe
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 6:13 pm Post subject: |
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I agree with Rainstorm5 here totally, I've been a social animal my whole life and never cared about being socially clumsy, that was just the way I am. there's plenty of people out there who appreciate weirdness and will stand up for you when you do/say something unusuall. there's really no point closing yourself in a box even if it makes you happy being in your own world.
I'm very much in my own world but still find sociall interaction very inspiring even if I'm the weird one around and have to explaim myself all the time. |
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pandd
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 16, 2006
Posts: 2372
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 7:20 pm Post subject: |
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| JohnHopkins wrote: | | It's nothing to do with lack of respect, it's him trying to get you out of your comfort zone to see if you'll enjoy yourself. Clearly, you didn't, so why not just turn down these invitations? Sooner or later he'll get the picture if you flat out say no each time. |
I do not know if I agree (although I also do not know that I disagree; I guess I'm undecided).
Would it be disrespectful if a nudist employed very coercive tactics to get a non-nudist to come out of their comfort zone and wander around nude, even if, after trying it the non-nudist found it very discomforting, and the tactics included becoming offended when the non-nudist would not go along any more?
Perhaps it is not disrespect, but it certainly demonstrates a lack of empathy.
Personally, I feel that if the inviter is not offended by a refusal and asks in a way that invites or allows blame/guilt free refusal, then it's probably nice to have the offer, but if there is coercion (including taking offense if refused), then I'd rather go without the offer. |
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ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo
water
Joined: Jun 19, 2008
Posts: 3577
Location: Somewhere between Canada and Mexico
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 7:39 pm Post subject: |
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Ken, some NTs believe that people who don't like to socialize have social anxiety or phobia and just need to experience many interactions with others to overcome it. Your friend might like your company and have the idea he is doing you a favor by inviting you.
I guess all you can do is say no? |
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ablomov
Toucan
Joined: Jul 20, 2008
Posts: 296
Location: northern hemisphere
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| Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 3:29 am Post subject: |
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| Please don't be upset abt opening the thread. A worthwhile subject to explore. The answer in my case is that there are only certain areas or groups I shine with - generally all my business customers hold me in high regard as very knowledgable/ talented/ a good bloke. The problem is with wifes friends, what i do is beynd them, solution simple - to me they don't exist. |
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KenM
an i mal
Joined: Oct 16, 2005
Age: 41
Posts: 1290
Location: Mass. USA
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| Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 5:45 am Post subject: |
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| I'm 40 I've tryed to go to social gatherings and enjoy myself for over 20 years. Its always the same. People seem so fake there and they talk about nothing at all. They are boring and a waste of time. I'm not getting any younger. Time for me to do things that I want to do and stop being fake, don't you think? |
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Landaree
Raven
Joined: Aug 25, 2008
Posts: 111
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| Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 6:10 am Post subject: |
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| KenM wrote: | | Time for me to do things that I want to do and stop being fake, don't you think? |
Indeed. |
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slowmutant
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 14, 2008
Age: 30
Posts: 11411
Location: Ontario, Canada
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| Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 7:59 am Post subject: |
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"How come NT's don't accept us?"
Because we're unwilling to compromise or concede anything. |
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JohnHopkins
In no way offensive to anybody. Honest.
Joined: Nov 20, 2007
Age: 21
Posts: 2735
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| Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 11:48 am Post subject: |
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Thread won. ^
Doesn't seem to be a whole lot of accepting coming from the OP. |
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KenM
an i mal
Joined: Oct 16, 2005
Age: 41
Posts: 1290
Location: Mass. USA
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| Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 12:13 pm Post subject: |
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| JohnHopkins wrote: | Thread won. ^
Doesn't seem to be a whole lot of accepting coming from the OP. |
I'm giving NTs the same ammount of accepting they are giving me. none whatsoever. |
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slowmutant
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 14, 2008
Age: 30
Posts: 11411
Location: Ontario, Canada
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| Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 12:19 pm Post subject: |
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| KenM wrote: | | JohnHopkins wrote: | Thread won. ^
Doesn't seem to be a whole lot of accepting coming from the OP. |
I'm giving NTs the same ammount of accepting they are giving me. none whatsoever. |
Of course, that would explain the sterling results you're getting. |
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Sora
- - -
Joined: Sep 16, 2006
Age: 21
Posts: 4742
Location: Europe
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| Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 1:08 pm Post subject: |
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Why didn't you act like you normally would? Maybe you could compromise about it.
You wanted to go because another friend was there and you went so that friend wouldn't get bored. So you must have had the intention to interact with that person.
That's perfectly fine if you would just interact with them. You don't need to be all cheery and fake as much as you feel you can fake to interact with everybody else too.
Nobody is at that party to work. It's there to enjoy yourself.
It's okay to just talk to 1 or 2 people and, if you feel up to that too, answer questions from others in a friendly way.
About that telling without telling right out, well... non-autistic people do have a little advantage unless you already have learnt or are aware enough of how non-verbal cues and culturally based interaction works. They likely understand the roll of an eye, a voice indicating that it's a lie or that there's more to say.
But unless you say it in some way that is understood even without non-verbal cues (if you lack them, I don't know), they can't understand what you really mean.
Say what you mean. Not right out, but carefully. Think about it - imagine a situation in which you really really want a dear friend to come over for an activity. For a special interest or hobby? Would you feel bad if they said no, they dislike socialising? Would you think if they actually meant they don't want to socialise with you? If you do feel bad if somebody said this to you, how would they have to say it to you so that you don't get upset?
It doesn't mean they really understand you, all about how you feel. But the important thing would be to reach a mutual agreement, a compromise in feelings and maybe even in actions (do something else together instead at a later time etc.)
Maybe it would help to not just explain with words but tell a little story about your feeling? Like pretending to be in France when you don't speak French, with French people being okay and nice even and having nothing against them, but without the French it's all so hard etc.
Sometimes people start to understand a little more if you try to talk of somebody they know. Quite some people have been in a foreign country during their holidays.
When I explain something to my friends (who have no knowledge of ASDs) I always just explain 1 thing and give examples that they might know from their lives. Overloads - people know them in some form already. Imagine a non-autistic person having to listen to 5 radios at once! They'd totally freak out at that. Most people can't even bear talking on the phone and having the TV at normal volume. Too much sensory data for them to cope.
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The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. Terry Pratchett |
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