How To Survive A Horror Movie

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Rules to follow

1) No sex, any sex and you will die, Its like having a neon sign above your head screaming "KILL ME"

2) no drugs or alcohol. Thats just bad, because you will be walking around in a drunken or high stupor, shouting and alerting the killer as to where you are.

3) Dont think you can outsmart the killer, you cant and you will fail.

4) If you think that the killer is dead you had better make damn sure, take a shotgun to his head, or behead him or her, They train months to slow down their hearts and nearly stop their breathing to make them look dead.

5) If you become stuck and find a house, and they say dont go into the basement, get the hell out of dodge, cause some occult sh** is going down

6) you cell phone will not work, most phones wont. either A) you wont have service B) the cords are snipped or the power is out. C) They dont have phones.

7) If you are in a house and get mysterious call, get the hell out. Don't spend your time running around like an idiot locking doors, cause more often than not the killer is already inside and laughing at your dumb ass.

that also being said, if you are confronted by your killer inside, dont run up the damn stairs. Unless you have magical flying powers you wont get out and will be killed.

9) If you run into the woods you can kiss your ass goodbye. The killer knows them better than you.

10) No barns, just avoid them, they basically are just traps the killer will use to kill you.

11) Do not go anywhere near creepy or strange sounds, more often than not its a distraction. The killer is behind you and ready to kill.

12) In horror movies its every man for him/her self. Dont group up, you're on your own.

13) Expect the unexpected.

14) Dont say I'll be back. Its a dead mans phrase.

15) No attics, no basements, no garages, or any dark damp place.

16) If you bring in any back up they will die, this means little old ladies, cops, or random strangers,

17) you will get hurt, there is no denying it, it happens.

1 Dont touch any unknown plants. they just scream "bad idea"

19) Urban ledgends, ghost stories, and town ledgends are true and will apply in most cases.

20) if you find you ass in some Stephen King type sh** kiss your ass goodbye. no one is safe there.

21) usually insane people are the ones you can trust

But then begs the question - Outside of actual media; what counts as a horror movie? Is there any way to differentiate between them in real life?

22) If you are a nubile blonde cheerleader, those noises in the cellar are none of your business.

23) If you're thinking of going to a place where everyone else who ever went came back mutilated, comatose, or was never seen again, re-think your travel plans.

24) Looking into a mirror in a darkened room at 3am will not reveal anything beautiful.

25) Mirrors and candlelight are a bad combination too. In fact, get rid of the mirrors altogether.

26) Porcelain dolls need their creepy heads kicked in.

27) Striking up a conversation with that thing that only you can see/hear/feel is not the best idea.

28 - Suspect all you want. Ignore every skeptic dumba** who says things like "This was an isolated incident" or "It's just a coincidence" or "There is absolutely nothing to worry about." Their skepticism will be their downfall soon enough. When the body count piles up, can they still be skeptic?

"So he's got a bunch of pictures of him strangling fat guys. That doesn't make him the fat guy strangler."
-- Lois Griffin (Family Guy)

YES IT DOES!! !

29) If you are wandering around in an abandoned mental hospital in the small hours of the morning, it's time to ask yourself some questions. Like what do you think you are doing, and where is the nearest exit?

30) There is really no need to watch that film or listen to that music that is said to cause suicidal/homicidal tendencies.

31) That CD/USB stick you found somewhere or were given by a stranger? And that link you found in a spam e-mail? Will either destroy your computer or get you added to the sex offenders' register.

32) Find Burt Gummer.

33) Stay with Burt Gummer.

34)Don't touch Burt's guns.

35) Pay attention to the obvious.

36) When you think the nightmare is over, do NOT forget that there is always a sequel, then a trilogy, and then more.