Hi everyone,
I new here and i just wated to say hi!
I have recently self-diagnosed... It's a long story (all of my stories tend to be!). Not sure how much I am supposed to share in this intro, but i figure if I set it all out then it might be a good way for me to get it all straight in my head...
I'm pretty sure my husband has Aspergers. He has never been diagnosed, but his traits were first pointed out to me by his brother (via my sister in law, a long time friend). As i researched Aspergers I came to agree with their assessment. I was at the time struggling with what i now understand to be relatively common for spouses (his inability to physically demonstrate his love for me (though I have no doubt he loves me), his refusal to spend time with my friends, his obsessive interests in his own world, rather than him being willing to share in the things that were important to me, etc.)... Recently, and many years on from that initial realisation, a friend of his asked me whether he had Aspergers - so perhaps it's not quite so 'hidden' to those who know what they're looking for.
As i was researching for him, i did consider my own Aspie like traits, but I decided at the time that it didnt fit for me. It is also a diagnosis that has been suggested for my brother (by my Aunt, a primary school teacher, and i figure that because of her profession she must have had some experience upon which to base her suggestion). My brother has, however, been diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and Depression.
Recently I began a writing project giving one of the female characters Apergers. As i was writing the story I realised that the character was a lot like me, but I initially assumed that this was just natural as she was my creation. When i finished writing, I began researching female Aspie traits - and OMG, my mind was blown. I ticked off about 83% of the list for myself. It was like a light came on, and such a huge relief! A few days later i was listening to "Wake Me Up" by Aloe Blacc and i burst into sobs upon hearing the lyrics "All this time i was finding myself, but i didn't know i was lost".
I've always known that I wasn't like most people, but I came to terms with that long ago (basically my philosophy has always been - I'm happy with who I am, if you don't like it, that's your problem not mine). Needless to say i've never had many friends, but, being happiest when indulging in my own pursuits, it never really bothered me. That's not to say that I didn't feel it keenly when i was rejected by my peers, just that my way of coping was always - well stuff you!
When i read through the list of female-dominate Aspie traits the things that stuck out the most were the analytical tools I was using to make sense of the world. For the most part i didn't realise i was doing it, but my best friend has hundreds of pages of emails from me over the years as I worked my way logically through all the things that I just didn't 'get'. I sent her the list of characteristics, and she said she had that same 'light coming on' moment. She said that even some of the things she thought were uniquely me were perfectly explained on that list (she even picked out a couple of things I hadn't checked off!).
I think the thing that changed between me first researching Aspergers, and then researching it again with myself in mind, was that in between I suffered a complete mental and physical breakdown as a result of work-related stress (let's all it 'burnout'). I think that stripped away many of my coping mechanisms, or at least made me apply them consciously for the first time. I think I also initially misunderstood the whole empathy thing - thinking that i couldn't have Asperger's because if anything, I was too empathetic.
It's New Year's Eve as i write this - and I am very much looking forward to 2014 with a better understanding about myself, and the way my brain works. Now I know that it's not that "i just don't get it", it's just that my brain works in a different way. I can work with that!
Best wishes to all for the New Year.
31 Dec 2013, 5:37 am
