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I must confess, it's taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact I was born on the spectrum. I was one of those kids that didn't really understand autism, because nobody had ever explained it to me. Kids at school related it to retardation, so at a young age I always said 'I'm definitely not that.' But I always struggled--- I never had a single real friend. I was always awkward and blundering in conversations. I didn't feel like participating in sports or clubs because I was people-shy. I had a hard time empathizing with people--- I would lash out at anyone I did love until I brought them to tears, and only when I saw a physical reaction did I realize I was causing them any harm. I've always had a special preoccupation with Philosophy and the universe, from as young as age 5. At age 7 I became a declared Atheist, and understood why.

In relationships, my social awkwardness got in the way and I would lose them quickly. Nobody could deal with how I behaved, but I didn't even realize I behaved differently. I didn't understand why people thought I was offensive when I didn't mean to be. I dated guys whose families were very much into the joking and teasing approach to everyone, and I always took it quite seriously and never understood they were joking even if they told me they were. I didn't share the same comedic tastes as people I was around, either, and could only grasp onto intellectual jabs rather than crude pop culture comedy.

I always felt like an alien, like I didn't belong here. I felt as if I were on the outside looking in at the world and nobody wanted anything to do with me for some reason I couldn't identify. I was tired of having to calculate everything I did beforehand and measuring peoples' emotions consciously with their facial expressions and hand movements, with no intuition behind it. I had no friends even exiting my teens, and I became fraught with a horrible sense of worthlessness and depression. I abandoned my life plans and in the course of trying to discover myself (by entering the military, before I left) I ended up pregnant. I have a fifteen month old daughter who relies on me for everything. When she was born, I didn't feel that motherly connection like they say you will-- there was no fierce embrace or relief or any reaction that was emotional at all. It has taken me this long to feel close to her, and she has had to earn it by merit of personality, not by blood relation alone. The more I get to know her, the more I love her, but I feel like someday she may be embarrassed of me.

I was directed here when at least seven friends, but particularly one (an Autism advocate), who all have autism, told me they were convinced I was an aspie. I've never been diagnosed because I have no insurance, no money to see a specialist, no vehicle to drive into the city, or availability to meet an appointment. Every day I feel frustrated that it should have been caught while I was in school, so I may have actually succeeded and not felt so alienated and overwhelmed by classes I couldn't pass, while not feeling challenged enough in language classes, even at college level.

But I am positive, and have never felt more right about anything in my life, that I have Asperger's Syndrome. Although this knowledge has provided me more confidence and comfort in dealing with my problems, it is something I keep quiet and do not advertise. I feel very isolated in a house where my fiance looks down on Autism as something to be avoided or embarrassed by. So, as you can imagine, I've turned here to try and find a community that will provide me with some strength to get by every day and deal with the frustration knowing somebody will understand what I go through on a daily basis.

My name is Ava and I would like a friend.

Hi, Ava, and welcome to WP.

It's unfortunate that your fiance is adverse to the idea of autism. I'm supposing he's bought into the media hype? In any case, I hope you'll find the support you need here.

Welcome!

Hi, and welcome to WrongPlanet! It's nice to meet you, Ava, and I'm pretty sure you'll make a lot of friends here!

Hello and welcome greetings to the WP forums, Ava.

Hello.

Dryad, I am positive he's bought into media hype. He grew up in a larger school than I did. I was blessed with the fact that although I never made friends, I had 'superficial friends' (or people that were obviously just tolerating me in retrospect, but who avoided me outside of school) because I had such a tiny class size (just 156 kids in my grade). So I was never bullied or ridiculed. But my fiance grew up near Detroit, in a much larger city with many more kids and no 'everybody knows everybody' atmosphere-- nobody had to tolerate people with autism, I imagine, and I'm sure he grew up with the notion that Autism is something you should keep to yourself.

When I happened upon the realization that I had Asperger's (even now, watching personal documentaries of aspies who describe not being able to execute a task without crystal clear instructions--- is something that has lost me a lot of potential jobs and relationships), his reaction was "I don't want to go around telling anyone you have Autism." It was odd because I'm not usually hurt by remarks like that. . .? But because it was somebody I've bothered to overcome a lot of obstacles I have for, somebody that I love and had a child with, I actually felt like the building blocks of who I am were taken out from under me in one swift movement.

Even his father treats it like an excuse, saying "You can just learn to be this way, you just have to put effort into it," like I can just quit being the way I am at any time, when I am utterly confused and thinking "But I've tried since I was a child to be that way, but that's not how I am, I'm this way instead. It's just how my head is hardwired. Why is it difficult for you to give me a list of chores instead of barking chores at me? Why is it difficult for you to be patient with my needing crystal clear instructions so that I do something right, or how long it takes me to do something because I want it to be perfect? Maybe I'm not the one who needs to make an effort."

It's very frustrating and lonely. Thank you for all the replies though. I hope I can make a lot of friends here.

Welcome! I am The Ghost!

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

Thank you. :3

To WrongPlanet!! !

Well, the problem is that he also shows signs of Aspergers syndrome. Not as numerous as I do, but the few he has are more noticeable than mine. For instance, he always centers conversations on himself and his interests. Anything I say otherwise goes in one ear and out the other. He zones out frequently. If he is talking about something, he *doesn't let it go*. He'll walk up to me five minutes later as if the conversation never stopped because he can't let the thought go. Sometimes a single thought or concept can swallow him for days and it'll continue coming up spontaneously and persistantly. He's not as socially awkward as I am. He understands to a greater degree how to fit in and be normal in a calm setting, but very minute things will set him off into an angry melt-down, causing him to put holes in walls or doors. He used to avoid going to Walmart because of the crowds. He can only take crowds once in a while (like once a year or less) where we'll go out and really do anything. Restaurants are as bad as he can handle, otherwise he avoids it if he doesn't have to go. I still have to drag him into grocery stores, but I'd say he goes more like five or six times a year now. He's very attached to the computer and is obsessive with story-writing, roleplay, and character-creation. When he's doing any of that, you can't bother him.

I haven't spoken to him TOO much about it, but I mentioned it and showed him a documentary of a kid with Aspergers that shows similar symptoms that made him go 'Whoa, I do that,' enough that he actually bothered to sit through the parts of the video I wanted him to without complaining, and while he's still bothered by the idea, obviously embarassed by it, and doesn't like the concept, he does realize he shares some symptoms with me that are alarming toward that end and that perhaps he shouldn't judge me so quickly.

So we'll see what happens.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome to WP!