Sad but hopeful... (warning:contender for longest post ever)

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tommyboy4good:
I wanted justice too. Didn't go through what you did, but I sure wanted people to know what they did to me and pay for it. But justice is hard to come by. It's horrible but it's how the world works.

I've started to wonder if the psychiatrist that medicated me was really that stupid or if he was deliberately taking advantage of my passivity to use me as a guinea pig while being compensated for it. The legal documents concerning the determination of my disability from 1990 are disturbing. A lot of the information is false, and a memorandum states that the exact nature of my disability is to be withheld from me. My parents were never told, and when I asked, the doctor just said it was social anxiety disorder. Which requires therapy.

I was brought to this man because of a trauma I suffered, which he ignored, because his purpose was to put me on medication, nothing more. He isn't capable of the insight, sensitivity or skill a therapist requires. Sorry to say he's still in practice. It's useless to think of what might have been, but maybe if I'd been sent to someone else, that person would have helped me with my traumatic experience and seen the symptoms of autism as well.

The drug companies are now an active, accepted presence at medical schools both in the U.S. and Canada. Medicine is mostly just a business.

Last edited by albaemme on 17 Aug 2011, 4:48 pm, edited 3 times in total.

It's a little about justice, but it's also about preventing him from doing to others what he did to me & even more horrible crimes against others. I got off easy, some of his other victims didn't (one was murdered for which he served all of 3 years, & he stole away a farm that had been in the same family for generations). I'd like to know that he's dead or at the very least, rotting in prison (which is where he belongs until he dies).

Yeah, healthcare has become a for profit organization, which it should never be. It disgusts me to see it turned into just another big business.

This guy sounds like a real monster. Someone like this isn't likely to evade the law forever, I like to think.
It's not much help if you don't bother with spiritual beliefs-it's not much help period- but I have to believe that whether or not someone is punished by the law, they don't get away with what they've done. They're punished one way or another. I don't follow a specfic religious tradition. I usually call myself an animist. But I have strong feelings that how we treat other people comes back to us for good or bad, never mind human law. Some people call it karma. Anyway, I don't think they get away with it, even if they die without the law ever touching them. There are other forces at work in the universe that we're not supposed to be aware of or understand. That probably doesn't help. Sorry.
I do keep this kind of thinking separate from any rational inquiry, since spirituality is inherently irrational.

I went through the two-day evaluation and the feedback session. It's official: I have Asperger's Syndrome. The doctor is sending the full report through the mail.
This is my last post under this nickname, which I can't use anymore. My cover's blown. My serial honesty has been getting me into a lot of trouble. Now matters have taken a turn for the far worse.

I was crumpled up and thrown away by my adopted family, and various other hostile or disinterested parties. A whole crowd of people with twisted minds and, with a few, that familiar twisted smile in response to my distress. Vicious, ignorant, everyday, ordinary people with their own issues and minds shut like proverbial steel traps. Decades of passive neglect and discomfort with me turned to emotional abuse and now total abandonment.
I try to tell myself that they're not worth the tears.

My best friend just says, "F**k 'em!"

My once-former friends, who never stopped being my friends. I realized recently that along with the agitated speech and the autistic meltdowns last year that I didn't yet understand, I was misinterpreting much of their behavior. They've been taking care of me and helping me to survive. They found me a new place to live. At 43 I don't know how to live as an adult, so I'm learning very slowly. My friends didn't know any more about Asperger's Syndrome, or autism in general, than most people. But they listened, they believed, and adapted, and have been treating me very kindly. When I'm upset and not in tears I can become verbally combative with people who are treating me badly. Good and kind people don't see this behavior from me.

My friends do have considerable problems of their own, but they work, pay bills and taxes, etc., and they're genuinely good, caring people who are going out of their way to help me. And so are other people they know. They're true friends. Also good allies, being neurotypical, because both of them saw reasons for concern when each accompanied me back to my old home for several last visits. I was dying a slow death there. That house almost smells of sickness.

I had a long, very comforting conversation with a much older woman who lives in the same place I do. She related to my past a great deal. She's estranged from most of her family and had to escape an abusive marriage. She's very familiar with Asperger's and spoke to me as though I were no different from anyone else. We share views on a lot of different subjects. She's said some very wise things. She's reached a place of inner peace and acceptance of her past that I admire.

William is still my constant companion. The emergency housing agencies don't accept pets. People told me to get rid of him, as though he were disposable. I wondered if it was selfish of me to deprive him of a home while I was still homeless, but at the same time, I couldn't abandon him. He seems to sense my moods and respond to them, sometimes as though to comfort me. Another true friend.

Last edited by albaemme on 09 Sep 2011, 9:53 am, edited 3 times in total.

I, too, read your post all the way through and was heartbroken by what you said. You did not deserve to go through all of this. I'm glad you have a dx, which can be the start of rebuilding your identity. Changing your nickname is a great start, but I hope I can recognize your posts in the future and follow your evolution. I would venture to say you have a very promising future ahead of you; you have coped with a lot and have learned to stand up for yourself. Now you can learn to move past the misery of your childhood and young adulthood and recognize that the problems lie with others, not with you. You are the only one responsible for what comes next.
Best of luck to you and William!
J.