madscientist wrote:
When young, I was recognized as "different", but this was primarily attributed to my IQ which was measured in the 180+ range and therefore my social maladjustment issues were discounted or merely ignored. My parents simply told me that I was "too good" to relate to most others - especially children my own age - and I grew up fairly arrogant but believing that I was the only "normal" one... Over the years I learned fairly effective coping skills (from what I've read lately somewhat typical) - compensating for the lack of recognition of nonverbal cues and emotional empathy with cognitive processes which consciously mimic these deficits. As a result, I appear perfectly normal to almost everyone, although inside of course I FEEL quite different. For instance, I can go to parties and mingle, but find it mentally exhausting. I don't really "feel other's pain", but at times I go to extraordinary lengths to help others who are in pain. I wear the mask of diplomacy quite well. Sound familiar?
Well, my IQ is hardly that high, but everything else sounds terribly familiar, even the part where my parents told me that I just have a hard time relating to others because of my intelligence.
I also have a social mask. I developed it when I was 11, and my life "got better," by the standards of others, but I've also found that, over time, I became progressively more exhausted, and progressively more depressed. As I get older, I'm starting to feel more strongly the disconnect I once felt between "me" and "others." I can play along, but I can't belong. In addition to that, there's also the ever increasing tension between the concious awareness of who I am, and what I am, and the disturbing realisation that, despite how ingenuine it is, everyone prefers the facade to the reality.
I've tried explaining these personal discrepencies to others, and surprisingly few people can understand the personal dichotomy between how a person acts, and how a person feels. I find it especially frustrating that these few people don't offer the curtousey of extending themselves to offer understanding when I go through an intense process of analysis in order to offer what "empathy," I can. (There is really nothing worse than when a person becomes secretive, doesn't tell me what's going on, and then gets angry at me when I don't, "understand." How could I when they take away my coping mechanism?)
I also wanted to add that I also shy away from online forums because of a certain amount of negativity shown towards newer members, and it's been quite a pleasant relief to find people here to be very welcoming.
That's all I had to say. I suppose I could say "welcome," but that would feel ridiculous to me considering that I've only just "arrived" here myself.
10 May 2007, 12:49 am
