Chesapeaker,
There are a few things to consider here.
1. Ifyou have a child from your marriage, then yes, you are going to have to be in his life some way or another. That is what happens when people with kids divorce... there will always be those connections because you are both still the parents. there are ways to properly work with this as to planning the most peaceful exchange. This involves new persons in his life mainly new wife. if you are not a threat to her then make your intentions known to her and hope for the best. Be respectful on your side because that is the side you can control.. If she sends nasty messages , let them be one-sided.
2. It makes me wonder if you have ever forgiven yourself for leaving him when you did. In that time and place you made a decision that fit the situation. You took advice from your counselor right or wrong to leave. The counselor was probably advising you in your best interest or at least their perception of your best interest. I do not know your situation at the time, but it sounds like you needed to go to save yourself. You cannot change the decisions you made, you can only move forward and make better decisions now.
BUT you have to let go of the guilt and the 'woulda', 'coulda', 'shoulda's. Its too big a burden to carry.
3. If both the second and third wife are threatened by you, then dont act threatening. If you send something to him, address it with her name on it too, you have to acknowledge she is the wife now and that he is moved on. If his failed marriage was completely your fault, he wouldnt have three consecutive wives would he? He's gotta be going wrong somewhere too. If it is things he is telling his new wife about you, you cannot stop it. She is only going to hear his side of the story and take his side. THat is just what a new wife will do. Dont blame her too much. She loves him and is trying to protect what is hers.
She has inherited what ever problem comes with him. It is no longer your problem.
4. Take care of yourself. THere is a great big world out there for you to live your life and make better decisions with the present.. find a new love.. if you still have feelings for this man, acknowledge them and let them go. Make a ceremony of it if you need. have your own 'burning man'. Take whatever you may have that was once his or reminds you of him and get rid of it... dont concern yourself with what could have been. burn that up too. (i am not condoning pyromania, merely a symbolic gesture or a controlled fire in a fireplace or barrel somewhere)..resist any compulsion to hang on to it 'just in case'.
I hope it helps I get a little preachy sometimes... i just want you to be healthy and to be hopefully at peace with yourself. I dont want to be in the middle, so i hope this satisfies both sides.
I hope these sound ok to you, westernwild. I mean no disrespect in your direction either.
04 Apr 2008, 6:54 am
