Does my step-daughter have AS?

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Sorry, just got to this one.

She is TWELVE! Oh, mygod. Lighten up! She's a kid. I've never met a 12 year old with a neat room (except for those who are really OCD). If it's not a priority for her, if she sees no reason it's useful to her for her to have a clean room, you'll never see it happen. Is having a neat room so terribly important that it is cause to make both you and the child miserable???? I mean, yes, I understand that you are a neat-freak (as you state above). Not everyone is.

I used to have to thread my way around my kid's room when she was young. She went off to YMCA camp one week and it took me three entire days to sort and clean her room up. I only went in and did that because the landlord was going to put new carpet in and we were going to have to move all the furniture out. Two months later you'd never have known I'd been in there. You know what? She just got her degree in a foreign language and is working at her first job making just under $30K a year and has already gotten glowing reviews from her bosses. Your daughter is 12. T.W.E.L.V.E. - she's a child. Hold off on making a living and getting through school and surviving in the world for at least a few years!

Good for her on bringing items that interest her home!! I had a whole pile of rocks - and ended up placing out of my first year college geology course because they led me to reading about rocks. Then there were the insects in the jars. Aced biology in high school. Guess why? If it were me, and I'm thankful it's not in this case as I've already done it once and am old and tired now, I'd check to see what she brought home and build on it. Leaves? Get a magnifying glass and look at the structure. A daisey? Ever put a couple of drops of food coloring in a glass of water and placed a daisy in it to see what's happened? Or haul out the crayolas - can she draw the daisy? If so, if there's even an attempt, put it on the fridge and show it off.

Freaks out with a pile of chores? OF COURSE she does. Have you ever gotten to work and found your desk just covered with "emergency, has to be processed right now" stamped all over them and your boss breathing down your neck? Same principle. Her own fault? You can look at it that way, or you can adjust your expectations. Or you can show her how to get through a mile of chores by selecting a few to do at a time, and marking them off on a list, and then making a line through them when she's finished. Or finding what works with her - ask her. Let her help decide. Maybe it won't work with her - but you won't know unless you've tried. One of the biggest problems with "chores" - like messy rooms - is knowing where and how to start. What seems obvious to you - just go pick stuff up - may be the farthest thing from obvious to her. Do they ever "get" that if they just did the chores as assigned or on a schedule, that they'd have the results you want to have? Maybe by the time they hit 20. Then again, have you been in a dorm lately??? Remember, that for her, the world is through her eyes, not yours.

At 12 the kid should be playing in mud puddles, exploring the world, learning and growing. Spending all your time and her time fighting over the trivial things of life is wasting both of your allotments of "now". It's a matter of priorities - yours and hers are obviously not the same. If she is Aspie, hers will take precedence in her mind. You, if you are not Aspie, are going to have to learn to accommodate, to think outside the box with this kid. Good luck - to you all.

Take a deep breath now and then. She's a kid. Lighten up!

The truancy. Now that's an issue. How is a 12 year old being truant? Does she just walk off campus during the day (i.e., she has an open campus)? You're going to have to make it worth her time to stay there. My daughter and I both suffered through school - it was pointless, really. We were both years ahead of our peers intellectually (except in math, which never made sense to us at all), but not socially adept. School can be an absolute misery. If I'd had the nerve, I'd have ditched as much as possible. My parents would have beaten me within an inch of my life. My daughter - same scenario (sans violence), except I was able to get her into an alternative setting school - one with a focus on things she liked: fine and performing arts. It was miles from home, so there wasn't really anywhere for her to go had she wanted to ditch class. She did ok, slacked most of the way through, goofed off. Graduated just the same as those taking all the AP classes and being obsessed with making "A" grades. And she's doing just fine.

I am curious. How many 12 year old children (girls) have you ever been around? Many? Or just the ones the daughter brings home?

EDIT - Just went back and read one more thing. You give your daughter $20 a week allowance? Wow, that makes ME a skinflint. I gave my daughter $20 a month three years ago when she was in high school. I paid for her lunches and supplies, the $20 was to spend as she chose so she'd learn how to save or spent, and what happened if she spent everything and then wanted something. I didn't give her an allowance when she was in elementary or middle school because she had no need for one - no makeup, nail polish, pokemon cards (or was that middle school?). The only way she ever got money then was by doing something for it. She had chores because she was a member of the household and, as such, was expected to contribute. In her case, her labor was all she had to contribute. No, they weren't always done, and sometimes they were half-assed, but.... you should see her bank account. The kid grew up to be a skinflint as well. But, until money had meaning for her, until it brought her things she wanted that she would otherwise not get, it was just shiny metal and green paper. Pointless.

I can't expect you to understand...You don't have to be around her 24/7. My wife and I aren't just some uptight parents, we know that she has mental problems, most likely AS. She fits every symptom there is for it. I have been around lots of children boy and girls her age and I have never seen any of them act like she does. I appreciate your opinion, but I do not appreciate being told to lighten up like I'm just a crazy uptight parent that doesn't know what a 12 year old should act like. It also doesn't seem like you read all my posts thoroughly, instead you picked and chose what you wanted to read out of each one to tell me that I'm a nutjob. You haven't been helpful. I did not post here to be told to lighten up, there's nothing wrong with her when even her teachers tell us that there is something wrong with her.

Well, I can see where a whole lot of your problems with her could be coming from. Maybe you might want to check into some therapy for yourself, as you really do come across as really tightly wound - perhaps a bit too tightly for your daughter's benefit. You obviously are not coping well with the situation and could probably use an impartial counseling situation. It might be helpful for your wife as well.

As to my posts - look, dude, I work all day. I have an Aspie kid, and am an Aspie. I've got Aspie and Autistic relatives - some more functional than others, so I do have some experience with the spectrum. We're all different, but there are some things that are relatively constant across us all that I can draw on here. I don't pull my advice out of my backside and fling it around on this board because I have nothing better to do. In your case, I took time out of my day to offer you my opinion based on your request for input from the community at large here. That was and remains: you appear to be obsessing about minor things like a clean room and her bringing things home (your statements). You also appear to be in a situation that is way over your head and for which you are grasping at any straw you can find. At no point did I call you a "nutjob" - but since you chose to infer that from what I did write, that tells me that either you secretly think you are or you are afraid that people will think you are. Too bad, that won't help you in your interactions with your daughter.

I did read your posts rather thoroughly and answered from personal experience each as I came across them. If you are expecting this to be a place where you will hear only what makes you comfortable, where you can get a "oh, you poor thing, you are sooo suffering, nooobody can understand me" you've come to the wrong board. This board was set up to support Aspies, and we do tend to call it like we see it. And what I wrote is what I see from your posts.

Parenting is never an easy job. Parenting a kid who isn't as you wish she was or expect her to be is going to be harder if you are inflexible. That's the breaks, you have to play what you're dealt. If your daughter has psychological issues, that's a real problem for her. From what I know of abnormal developmental psychology, there are kids who ARE inherently screwed up biologically - schizophrenic, etc. If that's her problem, you're just going to have to adjust your life and expectations to work with that. If her issues are from her home life (yes, your wife can be a lovely person and a lousy parent for a special needs kid at the same time), those can be addressed - once you find out what your daughter needs and how you and your wife need to structure your lives and interactions with her to best support her.

Aspies are not inherently violent, sub-human, unfeeling, unintelligent creatures. Asperger's Syndrome is NOT a "mental problem" - it's a neurological difference, different wiring, and isn't something you can trot off to do doctor to "cure". From my experience and observations, persons who lash out and are not able to function in the larger society who are Aspies tend to be made like that, if they go there, from their interactions with the people and the environment around them. You might want to spend some time reading around on the board, looking at the posts FROM Aspies about their lives, to see where they live. Hopefully that will give you some ideas about how to reorder your thinking and to develop strategies that could be useful with your own child. It's not about you, dude, it's about your daughter.

Good luck.

I am so happy you told me that I need therapy, I never expected to receive free advise on an internet forum from a certified psychiatrist, what a bargain! Its amazing you have time to troll forums during your busy schedule of seeing patients throughout the day, that must take some skill. Quid pro quo...obviously you are the one that seems to have some suppressed memories of a bad step dad or perhaps you were molested as a child and are now lashing out and attacking faceless people on forums because you can't get back at the culprit of your childhood. Your posts have simply been an attack on my wife and I as parents since you suggested that basically she is the normal one and we are tightly-wound people that need counseling.

I didn't post here seeking sympathy...I was just trying to compare my step-daughter's symptoms with others that have AS and wanted to know if her symptoms match those of others. My questions have been answered for the most part by the other posters.