I have been lurking awhile and have read many threads. Lots of useful information here. I think that I have a mild form of Aspergers or maybe PPD-NOS, although I am not formally diagnosed. I have had difficulties socializing all of my life. I've had very few friends and no girlfriends and I am 26 years old. Despite this I'm fairly successful and I have adapted well. I think I had more of the true symptoms of Asperger's when I was younger, and since have learned how to deal with many of them.
My logical mind performs many tasks that I believe my emotional mind should, and my hard-line analytical approach to everything in life has put me in tough spots on occasion. I believe I do not read people very well, and I feel very uncomfortable around people because I cannot tell how they feel about me. I end up analyzing them to determine their thoughts and usually end up burning myself out. Interestingly enough, I have become very good at reading certain aspects of people this way, and I occasionally amaze those who know me (mostly co-workers and family) with the ability to figure things out about people with little prior knowledge. Nonetheless, I am not able to answer the question of whether or not a person "likes" me and would want to stay around me purely via analysis.
While it is apparent from reading this forum that many people with Aspergers are not competitive, for me this is the farthest thing from the truth. I am the most competitive person I know, and hardly anything interests me that does not involve a competition in some way. My internal drives are ultimately self-serving ones, as long ago I gave up on the hope of ever being able to socialize and have friends. People just never liked me and they couldn't explain why. It seemed for years that I was missing the "X factor" required to socialize. I have since learned that the "X factor" involves various forms of emotional sensitivity and reciprocation.
I am definitely verbose, find difficulty in finding the right words, and oftentimes trip over myself when speaking. My written communication has always been far superior. I couldn't crack a joke to save my life, and my attempts are usually very feeble. Everything I do and say is literal. I am extremely good at making and analyizing logical arguments (almost a perfect score on the GRE in argument analysis). This skill has helped me immensely in becoming a software developer. Oh, and I like to talk/rant (as is obvious from the size of this post).
When I was younger I was much worse. In fact, I really did not begin to understand socialization at all until I was 12 years old, and I gained the powers of logical thinking. I was able to determine how socializing worked by constructing logical arguments (or "theroems" as I called them). I used this knowledge to improve interactions with my peers, and by high-school the bullying stopped for the better part. I only had a few friends though, and they weren't great friends at that.
I am hellbent on routines involving the few pleasures I get out of life. I'll do almost anything to ensure that my plans are executed as I have laid them out in my mind. I have an internal clock that is usually so accurate that I can know the time of day within 10 minutes without looking at a watch.
I've read on here that many guys with Asperger's will like a girl, obsess about her non-stop, and not do anything at all. I did that with several girls. I didn't really know how to talk to them, and some bad experiences with girls have led me to become terrified of them.
One thing that I have noticed only recently is that I like to "savor" emotions. I only need to experience a new emotion a little bit to be stimulated by it, and then I'll instantly go through an emotional "shutdown" process whereby I do not wish to feel anything more than the emotion I have been stimulated by. It will usually take hours (and sometimes days) before I can open up emotionally again. Not to say that I'm frequently open emotionally. I'm usually shut down for some reason or another. Logical mind always wins, yadda yadda.
It is so great to finally find and meet people who have experienced the type of hellish life that I have. So let this be my personal "hi" to you.
03 Sep 2009, 11:39 pm
