hello

Post Reply New Topic

New here, obviously, and a bit scared/hesitant to post...but here goes.

Hello. Please call me Rose.

I'm a 33 year-old-woman, recently diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. I am studying education, and in my Child/Adolescent Psycology class, I came across a descrption of Asperger's for the first time. With my parents' encouragement, I sought diagnosis. My wonderful psycologist agreed that I probably had Asperger's, and a local psychiatrist verfied this for me. In some ways, it's nice to have a reason for the way I am. In other ways, it makes me want to shout, "WHY ME?" and wish it was curable. I'm still very conflicted about the diagnosis...I really thought it would make me feel better, but instead I sort of feel like a freak. I guess I'm seeking proof that there are other people like me, as I come from an entirely NT family. Also, my husband recently shared this with a friend of ours without my permission, so I'm in a state of withdrawl as I'm scared of his reaction...although I did take him aside, told him he wasn't supposed to know, and not to tell anyone else. I don't know if he did or not. I want people to accept me for who I am, not make excuses for me because I'm non-neurotypical.

I enjoy reading (especially literary fantasy and magical realism), writing, and playing online RPGs, and playing Rock Band, among other things (like pretty clothes and shiny objects).

My first clue that I might have Asperger's was my extreme verbosity. I've already wanted to post to several things here and I am restraining myself. I know I go on and bore people. I also hate to be touched; I accept contact from my parents and my husband, and to a lesser degree from my brother and sister-in-law. (Who can't understand why I don't want to hold my nephews, ages 3 and 19 months.) My friends hug me and it is way hard not to stiffen when they do; I don't volunteer myself for hugs, that's for sure. I could go on, but I'm sure most if not all of you know what I would say! Depression, panic attack, inability to read nonverbal clues, trouble knowing how to display empathy, social ineptitude, odd use of language, clumsiness, repetetive hand-wringing, etc.

I am happily married to an NT. We have known each other nine years, and followed two years of close friendship with a year of long-distance dating, four years of cohabitation, and have been married for just over two years. (Stick that in your craw, Rex Reed...my NT husband thought the use of the word "lethal" to be ridiculous, not to mention inaccurate.) My husband is generally sympathetic...after an episode where he shouted at me that he wanted me to be "normal" and I shouted back that I wanted that too, more than anything, followed by breaking into several hours of unconsolable crying, he's tried to educate himself about Asperger's syndrome and makes an effort to imagine what it means to be like me. (I told him to imagine trying to hold a conversation with a computer -- no vocal inflection, no body language, just the flat out statments, which would all be ambigious in meaning. "How are you feeling?" -- really, or just a social nicety? Then imagine it's telling you to do things in a roundabout way so that you wind up doing the wrong thing all the time. That's kind of what it's like for me, to a small degree.)

I have a dog. I think he is the most wonderful thing ever. He is a Pembroke Welsh Corgi and his name is Einstein. We call him Ein (yes, we love Cowboy Bebop). He is clever and funny and loving and so pretty everyone thinks he's a girl! He makes my day every day...I generally prefer animals to people and dogs to any other animal. Since my husband and I have made the decision to be childfree (him because he does not want the responsibility of fatherhood and me because I don't want to pass AS or Autism on), Ein is our baby. I'm really quite silly about him!

Well, I doubt many of you bothered to make it to the end of this example of my extreme verbosity. If you did, I am amazed at your fortitude. So far, what I have read here has been wonderful...there are "other people like me" out there!

Welcome to WP!

Do you fucken realize how shallow you are? You have just said that Asperger makes a person fundamentally inferior to anyone else, so if your kids have Asperger, nothing possibly can make up for it, so they better not be alive.

Also, if you are so sure that you WILL pass Asperger on, there is about the same chance that you have inheritted it from your parents, they from their grandparents, who were likely to also pass it on to their siblings. So you are saying that your parents, your grandparents and your whole extended FAMILY are all aspies, without any evidence.

Do you fucken realize how shallow that is? You don't even bother to GET TO KNOW your own *FAMILY* and instead, like my shallow ex Sarah, you simply DECIDED they are all aspies.

Do you realize the ENORMOUS VALUE of HUMAN LIFE? You don't value your own LIFE nor the one of your FAMILY. You are perfectrly willing to say that you are INFERIOR for being an aspi and if there is any chance your kids are like you, they don't deserve to live. You are also saying your entire FAMILY, the people you GREW UP WITH are all aspies and thus are equally inferior. Do you fucken realize how shallow that is?

That is exactly why aspies are always being rejjected by NTs. NT-s don't realize the DEPTH, BREADTH, VALUE, and AWESOMENESS of human LIFE, so they are more than willing to dismiss a HUMAN BEING as totally worthless. They would never give a second thought that the HUMAN BEING whom they dismissed as worthless can't walk away from his own LIFE the way they did from his/hers. That HUMAN BEING'S life is just important to him or her as their life is important to them. Yet they won't spend FIVE MINUTES to test their assumptions about the worth of that human being. In other words, that person's LIFE Is not worth 5 minutes of their time.

I never htought an aspie would have the same exact attitude about THEIR OWN life. I thought people are only ignorant about others, but here I am talking to the person who is equally ignorant about yourself. You didn't take time to understand the value of YOUR OWN life, and YORU OWN good points. You just opened an Asperger book and judge yourself as one of the "cases". Nor did you take time to get to know your family, you simply decided they are all aspies. Why is it you don't want to take 5 minutes to think of these things? You don't care about LIFE-LONG decision of not to have kids;llife is apparently short enough not to care. But the FIVE MINUTES it will take to reflect on things are too long, you want to save these 5 minutes and waste your life instead!

Hello Rose_in_Winter, welcome to Wrong Planet.

Hello Rose,

Welcome To



Verbosity is a good thing when paraphrased...J/K
Though the paragraph style is highly appreciated
and more likely to be considered for review.
Fortitude is right up there on the Aspie list
*now if only I could only find that list*

Pleased to meet you, Rose. Welcome aboard the Wrong Planet.

quote="Rose_in_Winter"]
Since my husband and I have made the decision to be childfree (him because he does not want the responsibility of fatherhood and me because I don't want to pass AS or Autism on),[/quote]

Do you f**** realize how shallow you are? You have just said that Asperger makes a person fundamentally inferior to anyone else, so if your kids have Asperger, nothing possibly can make up for it, so they better not be alive.[/quote]

Well, there certainly is a lot of jumping to conclusions here.

First of all, I said no such thing. I did not say why I don't want to pass on AS. It has nothing to do with thinking apsies are inferior or don't deserve to be alive. Frankly, AS has made my life terribly hard, and I'm considered high-functioning. In my teaching career, I have worked with a number of kids with AS and other levels of Autism. I see how hard my life is and I see how hard their lives are. This doesn't mean they aren't wonderful people; they are! I really love teaching and working with kids with AS...but I see so much pain. I still feel that pain sometimes. I would not wish that kind of pain on someone I'm supposed to love with all my being. Simple as that.

Am I shallow? Certainly, in some ways. I like the fact that if a friend texts me for drinks at 7, I can meet her at 7:30 without worrying about a babysitter or convincing my husband to stay home. (The dog is fine on his own for a few hours; he just curls up on his bed and goes to sleep.) I like that we have money enough to go on date nights. But that's not why I decided to be childfree; I think I made a very mature decision when I chose not to risk passing this on. (I have a host of other issues as well, but this board is not for those.)

Frankly, this bewilders me. I certainly never said my whole family are aspies. In fact, with the possible exception of a distant cousin, they are all NT. Even my husband is NT. Neither of my parents, none of my grandparents, nor my brother, nor his children have any of the signs of AS. Neither (aside for the cousin) does anyone in living memory fit the profile. I'm basically a sport!



Actually, you're the one who doesn't know my family. Just saying.



I'm wondering exactly how much time you spent getting to know me before you decided I'm "f**** shallow?" Usually, people who judge me after one post or five minutes I think are a waste of my time and energy. I am giving you the benefit of the doubt here and assuming you are not a troll, but someone who honestly thinks I said these offensive things. For that reason, I am offering an explanation of myself, although it is something I am loathe to do in most cases. Also, I read the rules and I am under the impression we are not supposed to attack other posters? I am letting you know that I feel very much under attack here.

You seem to have known an unfortunate batch of NTs. I'm so sorry for you. The NTs in my life understand that while I am different, that doesn't make me bad. I have a loving NT family, a wonderful NT husband, and a lot of caring NT friends. Sure, they may think I'm eccentric, but they don't make me feel bad about it or walk away in less than 5 minutes. If someone judges I'm a waste of their time, that's their prerogative -- but IMHO, it might also be their loss!



Please read my post. I did not "decide" I was a "case." I was evaluated and diagnosed by two professionals, a psycologist and a psychiatrist. I know my family well enough to know none of them have AS (and I'm still bewildered as to where you got that). I never said they were aspies; that would be blind and stupid, neither of which I am.



It's all right, Roman. I'm used to people becoming unreasonably angry at me for deciding to be childfree. I'm used to people saying it's selfish or shallow. I'm not sure why it's so upsetting; I don't go losing my cool at people who have kids, despite the problem of overpopulation and the strain on the Earth. Maybe I think having kids is selfish and shallow, but it's not my place to pick a fight. Their kids, their choice. You seem very offended that I'm not having kids -- I don't feel it's a moral obligation, and thank heaven neither does my husband. You seem to have taken you anger at my childfree position and translated it into me thinking horrible things about aspies and making bizarre judgements I'm not qualified to make.

I'm am sorry I offended you, and I hope this clears things up.

I am sorry I miscommunicated. What I meant by "inferior" is that your life is "fundamentally" worse than the life of others. You believe that your life is so much dominated by the negatives, that none of the positives (such as wonderful husband and wonderful family) matter any more. I know you say I jumped to conclusion. But the reason I did is that if these, positive, things did matter, wouldn't you want your kids to experience them too? So the fact that you don't want to have kids means that you feel that the bad things your kids are to experience will be 100 times bigger than any of the good things. The only way you know this is by watching your own life.

And how can you ACCEPT such a thing about your own life? I can see that you can try and accept that statemetn about a period of your life, even if that period lasts a year (I can tell you, the year of 2006 was fundamentally awful because of my experience in school and nothing good that happened back then, including a wonderful girlfriend I had, mattered because my school situation made it fundamentally awful) how can you make such a statement for something that lasts a lifetime. You don't have another life, so don't you feel desperate for this statement NOT to be true about the LIFE that you do have?

So the reason I called you shallow is because you are so willing to accept that statement about your life. It shows that you treat a life in the same way as I treat a year. Juts like I don't mind making negative statement about a year of 2006, you don't mind doing so about your entire lifetime. And that part is shallow because it tells me you don't fully realize all the ways in which a life is so much more important than just one year. If you did, you would try to grasp at a straws not to reach such a conclusion about life as a whole.

Now I know that you are going to tell me that denying a reality won't make it go away. But here are some clues on how to have more positive view on Asperger without any denials. Asperger has its advantages along with disadvantages. For instance, Einstein had Asperger, and it is likely that Asperger is a reason for his success. So why not explore some of the advantages Asperger might have on your life?

And, if you do that, then the logical conclusion is that yes you should have kids. Wouldn't you be happy for them if your Asperger kids end up being like Einstein?



I never called you shallow for any of the things you just mentioned. I only called you shallow for not thinking it is such a big deal to come up with very negative conclusion about your life as a whole.



I never said your family are aspies either. In fact I assumed that they aren't. What I was trying to say is that if I take the statement that you will pass Asperger to your kids to a logical conclusion, it would, wrongly, imply that your family are aspies. I mean, your kids have one set of genes from you, one from your husband. Your husband is NT. So they have one Asperger gene, and you claim that one Asperger gene can make them aspies. Now, you had to enherit that one gene from one of your parents. So, if your logic is correct, one of your parents has to be an aspie. Now, you just said neither of your parents are aspies. So, one gene is not enough to make someone an aspie. And, therefore, your kids would not be aspies either.




I know, but I do know my own family. I dated my first ex, Sarah, from Sep 2003 till August 2004. She never met any of my family, because I kept her from them -- a different story. Now, without ever meeting them, she simply decided they were all aspies. She was also the one who suggested that we have one kid and adopt the other one. Why? Because taking care of one aspie is enough of a hassle. Now, I asked her, why would our kid be an aspie if my parents weren't? Her answer was that my family probably are aspies; and she didn't even met any of them. That was very shallow, she made snap judgement about my whole FAMILY I spent my whole LIFE with on a spot. And also, she brought up that we will adopt the other kid while we were driving somewhere and she just said it like its something on a level of going to the store or whatever. So, in other words, she doesn't relaize all the value of human LIFE; she thinks a life-long decision is on a level of going to the store! So no wonder she could judge my entire family on the spot; after all, she can decide on the spot which store to go to.



So why can't you be consistent and say that if you have asperger kids and others don't like your kids, it is the loss of these others, not your kids! If you trully believed that, you would have chosen to have kids.



Yes I remember when you said you were diagnosed by professionals. I never said you self-diagnosed. What I did say is that after these professionals diagnosed you, you decided that everything that applies to Asperger, applies to you as well. That again reminds me of Sarah. She was avoiding taking me to places that are noisy and when she did she kept asking me if I was okay with noise level. But the thing is that I don't have any sensory issues, whether it be sound, sight, or anything else for that matter. But it didn't do any good to keep telling her that I don't have any sensory issues, because she kept assuming that, as an aspi, I am supposed to.

The thing is that people with Asperger are very different from each other, since Asperger is heterogeneous. Just like autism is a spectrum that ranges from the very low functioning people who never learn to speak to very high functioning ones who can hold job and have a family, the same applies to Asperger. Some people with Asperger have sensory issues, others don't. But you treat yourself in the same way that Sarah has treated me. Since you were diagnosed, you are assuming you have every single symptom in the book, without even "checking with yourself" to see if it is true or not.



If someone decided not to have kids because of overpopulation, I won't find it upsetting to the slightest. I only found it upsetting because your decision was motivated by your view of Asperger.

Welcome Rose.

I'm pressed for time so I'll come back and properly re-read and welcome you when I'm a bit more free.

I noticed that you were being called out on your decision to remain childless.

It's your decision but ...

I'm an aspie and I'm giving my children the sort of life they'll love.

I'm understanding - I've been through it all myself.
I'm participating - I get involved in their out-of-school activities
I'm there for them - whenever they need me.

I'm so proud of my children. Sometimes they do well, sometimes they stumble.

I'm still proud of them.


It's hard to explain what it's like until you have children yourself. Don't make a permanent decision. You're not too old for children - yet. There's time, don't make your mind up - you might want to change it later.

Roman, thank you for your reply. I'm not going to go into obssessive detail, but I have spent most of my life wishing I'd never been born. I can't promise my kids the wonderful things I have -- for one thing, I love him dearly but my husband would be a terrible father. Furthermore, I can't promise them a happy marriage to a wonderful person like my husband. For all I know, they'll fall for someone like the first guy I dated and be miserable. To me, it seems mean and selfish to risk bringing a child into the world who may spend most of the time wishing she were out of it.

I actually know I don't have all the signs of Asperger's. One thing my therapist and I talked about was which of the aspects I have and which I don't. For example, I don't have the sort of obsessive interests some people do, for example knowing how something works but not caring about the thing itself. There are other things as well, but I do have a good number of the "signs" of AS.

gbollard, thanks for the welcome! Please don't take what I'm going to say the wrong way. I do not mean to be hurtful or negative, but it is something that is important to me to say. Telling someone who has made the decision to be childfree not to make a permanent decision or that they'll change their mind is insulting. My decision to be childfree was not one I made lightly. It was a hard and heartwrenching decision to make, as I adore children. However, I feel very strongly that it was the right one, for many reasons. I am aware I may change my mind, not that it matters. My husband is wholeheartedly committed to remaining childfree.

One additional thing: I am not confident that I am strong enough to raise an Autistic child. This is a shameful admission for me, but I have two friends with Austitic children and I am certain that I'm not as capable, smart, and mentally balances as these women. There is Austism on my husband's side too -- our nephew on his side is Autistic, although I am not sure where on the spectrum he falls. (Not AS, but maybe HFA.) I also suspect one of his cousins may be an aspie, but I'm no kind of expert and therefore reserve my judgement. This makes me think he also may have the AS or Autism gene, making it more likely we'd have an Autistic child. While I think I would be a very good mother to a child with any or all of my host of problems, I just doubt my strength when it comes to severe Autism.

I saw that your age was 33 and I know that a lot of the permanent and considered decisions I made then I've since overturned.

I know you're a different person to me and that you have your own path to follow.

My apologies for the insult.

To WrongPlanet!! !

That is exactly what you should put effort into changing. I mean what can possibly be more important than your entire LIFE that you condemn? May be you can talk to your therapist on what steps to take to change it.



Thats not the real reason and you know it. The real reason is your worrying that they would have Asperger



You can't promise it to any NT either. That is what life is about, there is always risk, for NT and for AS, and then it is up to a person to do their best. Sure, ppl with AS have higher risk; but AS is just one of the many variables in equation. So why not take a risk and then do your very best to make the life best for your child. As far as her husband you can always try to raise her in such a way that she would make wise decision on whom to be with. Again, this is no guarantee that she would, but like I said life is about risks.



That would be like saying it is selfish to stop someone from committing suicide since that person wishes they could do just that.

I mean, if you agree with me that suicide is not rational, you should also agree that there is SOME hope for everyone, so why deprive your child of that hope by not giving her birth?



This should tell you that things are not all black or white, which means that may be there would be hope for your kids.



Nobody is forcing you to do anything; what you hear is just another perspective. Having more perspectives at your disposition is good, not bad. Few years ago I was absolutely SURE about certain things, and they lead me make some very bad decisions that reflected on my career. I wish I was told, back then, to reconsider what I was doing, even though I am sure I would have considered it to be disrespectful.



The academic decisions I made few years ago were not made lightly either. I felt very strongly about them and I sticked to them for several years. Right now, looking back, I am upset I didn't reconsider them.



If you are aware you can change your mind, why not leave yourself a phisiological possibility to, IF that happens, JUST IN CASE.