Haldo. Not really sure what to say.

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Wow, a place where I can actually talk about me (and in peace, i hope )

Name is Drew. I'm 34 (34.67 years to be accurate and just was diagnosed this past Wed. The psychologist grabbed her DSM-IV to prove me wrong and then gave me the good news When she did, I felt truly liberated. Relieved. Excited. Like the fog had been lifted and the weights removed. That little voice telling me I need to be, act, look different than I do was gone. I have not said or done one thing this week that I have self-reprimanded myself for. That is not to say I have not what plain folk say "put my foot in my mouth", or been brusque, or (not even knowingly) turned the conversation away from being about my wife, or her friends or our daughters to be about me. Just not beating myself up for it. I really hope that stays like that

I have lived 34 years always self-reproachful, wishing I could be like everybody else. Why don't I have friends? Shouldn't I feel close to my wife or newborn? Why did I just say that? Why am I scared to walk into the dark tool shed that looks like that boathouse scene from Silence of the Lambs? Why do I get upset when Superman gives up his powers for Lois or Data wants to be human? Don't they know they have the greatest gifts? To be adulated for being non-human?

I've always known I was different. My 3-year-old's (waiting to get her to see a Dev Ped for a diagnosis (she is my little twin and my little best friend (the truest friend I've ever had in this world))) preschool director asked me to ask my parents (don't talk to them (tho, now I see several asd traits in 'em both) how i was in preschool. Told her I didn't need to ask -- I walked around the classroom looking at the other kids thinking, "Look at these babies, playing their baby games. I'm a grown-up in this kid's body.").

My sister has (and had even more) severe sensory disorders, making her a real joy to grow up with

Thusly said, I was perennially in trouble and grew up mostly in time-out or in my bedroom wanting to be alone.

My dad often called me a Nazi and an insensitive clod while my mom said I was exactly like my dad's dad (now, one of my other closest friends in the world), and that was not a compliment, she would add.

I met my wife in college and she was the first girl who really talked to me. She also gave me her phone number, because she realized i was too scared to ask her for it.

Our relationship has always been me doing my best to make her happy, which has been a 14-year struggle. I have almost always felt that we had a mother-son relationship rather than a mutual partner. I am where I am today (successful web developer for the cable channel I always wanted to work for (plus i finally!! have bosses who seem to know how to talk to me, how to hear me and how not to get (too) annoyed by me)) because of her. She is the most amazing person I know, and I feel I am not the right fit for her.

For the first time ever, I am not lying to her. I am not lying to myself and giving the answers I think she (or anyone else) want to hear.

The fact is, I want to explore what it is (I think it is) to be an Aspie -- what I see as a gift. I want to not be chastised for wanting to be alone. For seeking a dark, quiet house when I come home and interact with anybody on my terms. To "connect" with people on message boards, watch British comedies or Star Trek and any hour of the night. To be free.

In the past, these thoughts would make me both excited and real sad. Now, I don't feel a judgment to these thoughts. However, I don't like the idea that anybody (my wife, especially) is hurt because of how I am, act, feel, want, do.

She is also now picking up when I am lying (to save her feelings). Like, "do you want to cuddle". Or, "do you feel connected to our 5-mo-old" (the answer is more today than last month, and probably more next month than today, as her little personality emerges).

Work becons. If you made it this far, thank you for your patience. This was very theraputic, and at the least, refreshing to be able to talk about me

Welcome to WP!

Nice to meet you, fellow-traveler Drew. Welcome to the Wrong Planet.

To WrongPlanet!! !