Hello all,
I think I may have Aspergers. I have been realizing that there are so many things about me and my past that have always bothered either myself or other people (or both) and it can all be explained by AS. I don't really see myself as having a disorder though, I just have always known I was different. Ever since my co-worker mentioned the possibility of me having AS I have been looking at things a bit differently. Sometimes it feels like such a relief because it all might be explained.
I have an exteremly difficult time in social situations. When I was younger I would try to fit in at my mother's request, usually unsuccessfully. If I am very interested or focused on something I become especially uninterested in socializing. I was obsessed with dance. I started creating pieces when I was 6 or 7 but I would always make sure to write dance notes and have the dance completely blocked for a certain amount of people, including transitions. I would cut music for it and everything. At 9 or 10, I started a little neighborhood dance company and witht he help of a friend I would use the little kids as pawn pieces in my routines, making them practice forever.
Whenever I played I would freak out if a game piece or article of doll's clothing was missing and it usually meant my little sister (or "friend") and I searching my bedroom until it was found. I was in a dance company at 8 and I took it very seriously, keeping to myself and practicing during dowtime. I had dance-friends, but I really didn't like them.
I went to a perfoming arts high school for dance and would spend half my day completely quiet and focused for dance instruction, while in my academic classes I would find myself talking a bit more (with teachers and students). In college I was obsessed with details and aimed for perfection. I was already best friends with my roommate when we moved in and I never really knew anyone else in my dorm- including our other two suitemates. At work, I had to start reminding myself to say hello to people when I stopped at the office, otherwise I would just go in and do what I need to do without saying a word. I worked at a research lab for two years and even after completing my study I never met many of my lab peers. Again, I would come in and get straight to work, I never even realized people expected me talk to them until someone said something about it. On the other hand, I am very good at talking with clients (developmentally disabled and mentally ill) and running subjects. I think it may have been because the relationships were clear and established and really they are both part of my interests.
I have two best friends- and always have had two good friends, i think it's all I can handle. The people change but there are always two. The two I have now seem to have stuck- they mean a lot to me. I have my parents and sister as well. All my other relationships are somewhat superficial. I had a what I called a boy-toy. I liked him. He was from Sudan and while he had been in America for 7 years already he was still a bit socially ackward as well and didn't quite understand this culture (I don't either- like the point of a wedding, graduation, or funeral- why do these things need to be done with an audience if at all even?). Anyway, I was still more of an alien than me as after over a year he grew extremely annoyed of me "coming and going as I please" and not being "as attached". To be fair, I never told him he was anything more than a monogomous friend with benefits to me, is it my fault he took it for more?
When I go away I don't miss anyone, except my cat. It's not that I don't care I just don't think about them that much. When I moved to college I rarely called home (unless I had a reason to).
I graduated from college in May with a degree in Psychology and minor in Cognitive Neuroscience and a successful study on the effect of emotion on face perception (related to autism). I am very interested in the brain and its plasticity (which is why I want to get my doctorate in clinical neuropsychology). I have always been interested in Autistic Specturm Disorders but never knew why. I never even thought I might have AS until a co-worker (who won awards for his work with Autistis individuals and may be an aspie himself) mentioned it.
I love to read and can sit down with a book and emerge from it hours later after losing track of the time. I do the same thing surfing the interent and when I was in high school I would do it on the dance floor or playing Sims (I would spend forever building big beautiful houses and would make an entire community with intricate story behind it).
There are so many other characteristics. At one time I thought I had General Anxiety Disorder or ADHD (as did a few teachers). I get upset over certain sounds but I am able to fight those urges. I am very blunt unless I really try not to be. A lot of time it jsut comes out and it isn't until after I say something that I realize it was innapropriate, usually because someone tells me it was. I am getting better communicating but I really don't understand why I have to these things I picked up. I am still pretty bad at it and would like to continue avoiding it but I know I have to at least try to fit in with them.
I just feel like I may finally have an answer for my quirky, selfish and rude behaviors. I have no idea if I am accurate though as I am not a professional (yet) but it just seems to describe me so well. I took an online quiz which further confirmed my suspisions. I know it isn't at all a diagnostic test but it was created by Barin-Cohen and I have read many articles on autism by him. I scored a 43 (32-50 being AS range).I know I would need to see a professional for a diagnosis (do I need one? what's the point?) but I already feel like I have some answers.
07 Nov 2009, 9:56 pm
