All I want to do is help my son

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Hello everyone! New to the community and looking forward to learning from everyone. My son was recently diagnosed with AS, after being admitted to a psych hospital because of suicidal thoughts/threats. Relieved to learn this has more to do with his AS than depression. My wife and I are going through a heck of a time trying to get on whatever road we need to be on to make whatever we can easier for our son. Could really use some advice.

Welcome to WP!

Incidentally, I am waiting to hear from a job in the Omaha area I applied to.

To WrongPlanet!! !

Take a look around, do some reading, ask questions ...

Welcome!

Welcome aboard the Wrong Planet, Enzopa.

How old is your son? Is he a child, Adolescent or an Adult? It is difficult to offer appropriate advice without further information.

Nice analogy. I'm not desiring to fix or make AS go away. Rather, I want to learn more about it and help ease my son's challenges as he grows.

Greetings Enzopa!

I'm puzzled by the phrasing "more to do with AS than Depression" - AS in and of itself does not cause thoughts of self harm, but the frustrations of living in a world in which your brain causes you to experience things differently than those around you (and the resultant difficulty in communication trying to explain your frustration to people who cannot fully understand), can and often does, lead to a tremendous degree of hopelessness and depression.

I don't know how your son is feeling about his diagnosis, or for that matter how old he is (we're of all ages here), but coming here and reading what others post might help him understand:

A) What the diagnosis really means in terms of everday life, and

B) That there are a lot of people who come to WrongPlanet who experience exactly the same sorts of difficulties he deals with every day.

Its cathartic sometimes to read about a difficult experience encountered by someone you've never met and exclaiming aloud "ME TOO!! ! - and If I tried to tell that to anyone else, THEY'D NEVER GET IT!!"

Thx Bill. Let me elaborate. My son is 8. And, I should have used a couple more words in that statement about his thoughts. I should have wrote: ... more to do w/his AS than hisdepression. The dr.'s don't believe he's depressed. They're exploring the reasons why he's saying suicidal things but don't currently think he means it that way. He is frustrated though. And you're exactly right in that he does feel no one understands him. Because of his age, he's not able to delve into networks for support. I'm trying to find what doors I can open for him, and my wife and I, to best help us learn how to understand and grow. We;ve just begun jumping into where and how we go from here, so while I don't take offense to anything you said, pardon me if I sound like a novice.

Hmm, yeah, eight is a bit young perhaps to benefit from an online support group. Well, at least absorbing the experiences of others with AS will help you understand things he can't accurately communicate to you.

I'm not much more than a novice myself. I first discovered what AS was about five years ago, when someone said "This sounds like you", but I was only diagnosed a little over a year ago at the age of 49.

I can't imagine what it would have been like to have known from the age of eight...I mean I knew I was different...a 'weirdo', but I wore it as a badge of honor...I had no idea it had a name, or that it was the way my brain was wired that caused me to be that way...

But I can tell you I did often say and feel things like what your son is saying and feeling as far back as ten or twelve and maybe earlier...back then you were just told to walk it off... ...that was never much help...

One thing comes to mind that you might consider.

Aspies of all ages have what we call "special interests." An aspie special interest can involve anything you can imagine, often it's something pretty specialized. Special interests sometimes last for months, sometimes for a lifetime. They sometimes fizzle out, new ones appear, they seem to have a life of their own. There's not much of a predictable pattern.

It's outside the range of most people's experience, but pursuing these interests is as fundamental to us as breathing.

Aspies often find themselves among people who don't want us around. Often, the fulfillment we experience from pursuing our special interests is about all we have to keep us going.

This phenomenon isn't subtle. It drives other people crazy because we have difficulty thinking of anything else to talk about.

I'm sure you're aware of your son's special interests. There may be other interests he'd be interested in getting in to. You can watch for signs of things he wonders about, or things that catch his attention while he ignores other things.

I'd suggest doing all you can to encourage your son to pursue his special interests and explore new ones, if he feels so inclined.

Aspies also experience sensory inputs more intensely than most people. This is often a problem for us, but it sometimes also results in intense aesthetic enjoyment. Again, this can take many forms. It might be art, producing it or deeply appreciating artwork done by others. It might involve music, or spending time in the woods, or an interest in animals.

If you see inclinations of this sort in your son, you might want to do whatever you can to help him be able to have these experiences.

These are things that make aspies feel like life is worth living.

Hi Enzopa,
When I was 8, I know that I had already started thinking suicidal thoughts and was very depressed. But I think that alot of it was due to my not knowing that I was autistic, but being very aware that my mind didn't work like others' did. (I assumed that I was pre-schizophrenic, and at the time was diagnosed bipolar, both of which are often considered "cousins" to autism.) I think that had I known that I was autistic, and that there is a whole community of people who were like me, I would have been a much happier child. Be very open about talking to your child about autism; as an elementary school special education teacher, I've seen that 90% of the kids in my class don't know that they are autistic because their parents think that it would make them feel different. I can tell you that whether or not an autistic child is in special education (I was in the "gifted" class from 2nd grade on), they know that they are different from the other kids. The very fact that you are here to get information shows that your child is going to have a much better chance at a well-adjusted life than many others. So many parents start looking for the "cure," join Autism Speaks, and stick a puzzle piece on their rear bumper. The message to the kids is so often, "I love you so much that I wish you were a different person." Just be aware that no matter how supportive you are, there is always going to be a feeling of being different, and many autistic adults use medication for depression or anxiety. It can be very hard to decide if medication is needed in children, but I know that I personally would have done much better if I had been on depression/anxiety medicine by middle school.

I know exactly what you are feeling it is the hardest thing i have ever tried to understand,my son to says things about harming himself and how much his life sucks,and tonight i found it all over his face book telling everyone that he wants to kill himself and how he hates my guts and just wants me out of his life,I spoke to parents help line and they told me i should ring the police and the hospital but i cant bring myself to that right now,but how would i feel if he did harm himself!?
I just dont know what i should do.

concerned father

lee

Thanks CanyonWind and Beici.

I've been supporting his special interests/fascinations for quite some time now (suspected AS since age of 2) and will continue. I'm no stranger to advocating for my son. I am and always will be his personal soldier. I will go to war for him and his needs. I don't want him to be anything else than what he is - my beautiful son that no one else can be like. He amazes adults regularly with how unguarded he is and open to meeting new people. They don't realize that he doesn't differentiate between aquaintences and friends. But that's okay with me. He can build the most complicated things out of legos in just minutes (out of only his imagination). And because we share the love and talent for art, we've always encouraged him to "go nuts" with art. when I passed on to him my charcoals and acryllics, I was so proud of him. He was shading 3-D obects in charcoal the next day.

I feel now though, that it's not all roses though. As I'm learning more through reading (books and this site), I'm consumed by empathetic moments that choke me up. I'm overwhelmed by internal thoughts and questions that I can't understand yet: Does he love like I do, or can he? Can he learn to seek happiness through relationships with others? Is he capable of recognizing a soulmate? Will he miss me if I die?

He is taking medication for his anxiety and it's hard to tell if it's helping. He hasn't learned how to communicate his feelings effectively with us yet. We're trying though because I feel so bad for him in that he can't share more. I know things eat at him and I try to get it out of him but I worry that he doesn't recognize a lot of what he's feeling so I'm almost speaking to him in a language he doesn't understand but on paper. It's just so frustrating. I want him to be able to lean on me and to let it all out. Apparently though, that seems to be a fundamental challenge for a lot of aspies.

The good thing is that we're exploring a 504 plan with his elementary school, with the guidance of his dr. I gave a list of 15 tips to his teacher and she seems very excited to try them.

Hi,
Not sure if this helps but my son at 8, also an aspie was doing the same thing. The kids at school and his sense of social isolation and inability to maintain his school work to the level of perfection he needed for his own processing was literally doing his head in. He was not only suicidal but had night terrors and severe anxiety, so much so he would scratch his skin off half his body till it was raw. He missed more than half the school year and i had to quit uni and work to manage him. At home he was safe and understood.
So I as a natural therapist researched and read till i couldn't take any more in month after month. I began working with him on ways to manage his self esteem and how to not be affected by environment and managed anxiety. I found the two biggest keys with kids this age with aspergers is manage anxiety and self esteem. The rest seemingly follows (this is just my experience) It was with in 6 months of changing dietry stuff, less yeast and sugar stuff (is a book called gut and psychology syndrome (some of this works but its full on, for kids even half measure have a big impact) i used tissue salts called be calm for kids and homepathics, ignatia amara and chamomilia and flower essences, all of these are under $15 (australian).. ensure water intake is adequate too.. I saw bowen therapists and kinesiologists to manage body balance.. I really can tell you with in 6 months he was different.. sleeping properly, anxiety free and excelling in classes ( he recieved student of the week 7 times in the next 7 months...
Its different for every parent. Remember that our lil aspies are so intune with us that the more anxiety that you have the more they do, home is where they need to feel fun and safe.. encourage their diversity and strength.. show him videos on youtube of clay marzo a world surfing champ and an aspie (my son loves watching him)
It's intense when our lil ones notice they are different and the other kids notice and for a while we need kit gloves and to absorb ourselves in understanding them.
2 years on and with his fathers own suicide a year ago my little man is thriving, his fathers death a set back also with the birth of a new sister also a year ago.. he has coped and managed and no longer thinks of dying.. he is working in excellerated classes and is happy and confident..
Hope this isn't too full on. i just remember how painful this time was for me. I thought i would lose my son in one way or another forever. Thankfully my being his island kept him by my side.. And him being amazing he walked along with me..
I hope you can work through this and if i can support in anyway just ask
Blessings Niki
P.S. don't get too caught up in psycho babble and medication... 8 yr old boys also go through massive hormonal changes and it is more intense in aspergers/autism spectrum kids.. so it may pass of its own accord..