Hello guise!
Wow I can't believe I just opened a self intro thread. Usually I look past the new member introduction boards in online forums I frequent.
I came across a trailer for the movie 'Adam', and I couldn't help but notice that I have more in common with the protagonist than just our first names. I looked up Asperger's Syndrome in wikipedia, and found my way here.
I'm a 21 year old student from Malaysia currently studying (or rather, appealing against academic suspension) in university of Minnesota. I got an A- for a lab course, a C for its more important co-requisite and failed the rest. Its probably due to H1N1 leaving me in bed for 2 weeks, but I feel I should've done better. Instead, I suffered a complete meltdown from all the piling coursework and spent the remaining Fall semester sleeping and constantly refreshing this political forum I go to for world news, researching a new laptop to replace a stolen one and looking at pictures of soldiers and fighter jets. I felt crippled, dead inside. The pain still lingers, but winter break has been good.
I enjoy making things. I got interested in computers and built my own desktop. I then went on to making headphone amplifiers and assorted electronics. I guess this explains why I did well on the lab but screwed up the math/theory heavy class, also there was no final exam for the lab which means no pressure, and I do not like pressure. Since I first came here a year ago, my culinary skills improved tremendously thanks to not having mom around. I just baked brownies for a potluck too, and they loved me for it.
But only for the brownies...
For all my life I had trouble socializing. If it is a group of three or more, most of the time I am the odd one out. I listen, I peer in like an outsider, maybe an occasional witty comment, but I am very quiet. I am awestruck at how the other two talk to each other. Have they known each other since forever? How is it even possible? A smooth yet animated flow of conversation on seemingly petty topics about life and friends. I on the other hand find talking a chore, I do it only when necessary or when I think I should. Simply bewildering, that my sister 8 years younger than me has a much more fulfilling relationship with my parents than I do. I show virtually no emotion and could not care less for that of others, if I could even sense any. This bothers me when my parents or friends do me a nice gesture and expect a tangible expression of joy and gratitude. Some people think I am snobbish. I have difficulty remembering names. Simply put, I am mute and boring.
Is there something wrong with me? Could I be mentally ret*d? Maybe its all the lead in the solder fumes that is damaging my brain. Maybe its a long forgotten childhood of not having my parents around as they were studying abroad. Am I a robot? It is the word people use to describe me.
There is growing resentment toward NTs, and hatred towards myself. Fortunately I try to suppress it and approach things with guarded optimism. I trained myself to blend in and avoid conflict. This is currently paying dividends when it comes to my housemates who watches my back even though they pretty much ignore me in a social setting. Being muslim helps, as Islam calls for maintaining healthy relationships with family and friends and I do my best to follow despite feeling that I do not have much to contribute in one. Fasting for a month every year hones my patience when dealing with people too. Half an hour of reading through WP made me realize that I have it good, though I long for better.
Coming from Malaysia, they would put me in Hospital Bahagia (Happy Hospital?) should I tell people I have a mental syndrome of any kind. Therefore, now that I'm here in the enlightened States, should I get myself checked out? Where do I go and what are the benefits of me doing so? I did not know about Asperger's until only a few hours ago. I thought I'm the only one grappling with this issue, and somehow it did not occur to me there are many others. I fancy myself as a strong, unemotional piece of shiny metal robot figure, or a dolphin with lasers to shoot swimming terrorists with, going about my own many things and owing nobody anything. Now it seems like I'm looking for excuses for not doing well in school and life in general. It is however good that I am beginning to know what I am dealing with.
Here's hoping to a better life.
Eokboy
10 Jan 2010, 6:42 am
