Hello & Help?

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My name in Laurinda, but some of my friends call me Rin. I have been with a wonderful man who has yet to be diagnosed with Aspergers, but I have become painfully aware he has it. In the just over year we have been together, I have almost left him at least four times. Thankfully, age and patience has helped. The only thing that has kept us together is that I know he loves me, and I love him, and I really don't understand Aspergers at all. I have started surfing the internet and ordered a couple books, but the bottom line is, I am still totally lost. I had no idea this could affect our sex life too, and that has been an issue. Not to mention what I thought was selfishness, selfcenteredness, and down right rudesness, is actually the fact he "doesn't like people" and doesn't have a lot of social skills or interpersonal skills because of it. He's 37, and I'm only his third relationship. If you could call his first two relationships.

If anyone out there has any idea how to get an adult tested for Aspergers, I would really appreciate the help. We live in Northwestern Illinois, so Chicago isn't a far drive. And since I'm a single mom, and he has a seasonal job, money is major concern.

I appreciate any help or advice people have to offer. Nate is a wonderful man. I just need to learn how to work with him and not against him. Thank you!! !

Hello Rin, welcome to Wrong Planet!

Thank you! It was wonderful to find this site! I'm looking forward to getting to know as much as I can from everyone!!

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

Hello Rin, hela du saad oui (nice to meet you).

Is he willing/okay with getting tested? It will take some time and cost you a bit. Insurance helps.

Rather than go the formal route, you may want him to first take some basic tests as a "screener". I can give you a link to a couple of those if you can't find them out there. They are not a definitive diagnosis, of course, but do provide an indicator that more testing and/or professional evaluation might be pursued.

-- Vip

Welcome to WrongPlanet!

Sorry, but I don't know much about getting diagnosed. I was diagnosed in elementary school, all I remember is visiting a psychologist once a week. I didn't even know that I had Aspergers until about a year ago when I asked my dad after reading an article about it and noting similarities to myself. (I knew I had something, but did not even know that I was on the autistic spectrum)

Hello Everyone! And thank you!!

The links would be great! He doesn't have health insurance. His job is seasonal. He's had a hard time keeping a full time job. From what I've read, can stem from his philosophy that he hates stupid people, and that sums up a lot of people he's interacted with, according to him. He is very open to the idea of getting tested. He's very aware that he is different. He has felt different his whole life he says. He's been told he has a plethora of learning disorders, including ADD, when he was in high school. We actually went to high school together, and he was lucky he graduated. But he's never been formally tested. I have read, and reread many many articles, and I can say, from what I have read, and thanks to a friend of mine who has a son with it, he has Aspergers. There is no way around it. He insulted me infront of a room of people. He totally didn't understand what he did wrong. That was a huge fight. He shows no emotion when we argue. Just sits there and looks blankly ahead. He didn't think to introduce me to anyone when he took me to a party. Just walked around and started talking to people. He doesn't interact well with people in general. He doesn't comprehend emotions. He has no idea why I get upset with the things he does. He thinks I take life to seriously. He treats many things in life that make him nervous or scared like a joke. He's obsessed with Trains and Shakira. I could go on and on! I am forever the one in the lead role, and I am very tired of it, but I'm finding out, that until he truly understands something, he won't take the lead. So, I sit here and try desperately to save our relationship and learn as much as I can. Because honestly, he knows he's "screwing up", doesn't know how or why, and has no clue how to even begin fixing it. And honestly, the more I learn, he is making mistakes, and they can be very hurtful, but he doesn't realize he is doing it. And I need to learn how to cope and work thru these things with him. SO, long story, I'm here. Looking for help and advice. Not just for me, but him as well.

To WrongPlanet! !!

The tests, in order of length

DSM criteria: http://iautistic.com/test_AS.php
Taken directly from the diagnostic manual used by professionals, this is the rawest “test” and cannot really be self-evaluated. It is best if a trained professional determines this after a period of observation and interviews. However, it is always good to know what they are working from. This one page form is of the type "if you have X amount of A and Y amount of B then CONGRATS! You're Autistic!"

Simon Baron-Cohen AQ test: http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html
This test is only for the individual themselves to take. They should answer as honestly as possible as (with any test) it is possible to skew the results if one is after a particular solution. Of course, this is the quintessential issue with self-evaluation.

The (somewhat controversial) Rdos test: http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php
User rdos has developed this test and put it on his website. It is the longest of the three by far, but includes a nice graph. While rdos’ focus is his research and determining a link between present day humans, autism, and Neanderthals, the test is quite popular among many here and does appear to have a high hit rate. Please note that this is disputed by some who feel the test is bunk and supported by others who think the test is the be-all end-all of definitive tests.

Wow! Hello to everyone and thank you again! The links are great! I really appreciate it. I've sent emails out to the closest Autistic Chapters, but the bottom line is, without health insurance, it doesn't look like he can be tested. Which I think makes life harder. He is functional in his current job, I think because he is left alone a lot, and it is only seasonal. Unfortunately what he makes, isn't enough to even support himself. I think getting tested may help us understand and maybe get more help for him. Since I am a single mom, money is very tight for me, and now add Nate, and it gets that much harder. His family has always supported him, but he's lived a very poor life. We're caught in a catch 20, but even finding ways to work thru day to day life better, may be enough help to get a better leg up. Thank you so much!! !

I took the one test on Wired. I printed it out to take home for Nate. I got a 6. I just guessed at his and got a 37. It will be interesting to see what he gets when he answers. I also went over the first test you posted and got the result most likely for him. I think he does well in the day to day dealings with superficial things. It's when things get more in depth and detailed he has issues. Emotions are a biggie for him, but he interacts very well with people in general. He has no empathy and doesn't know what it is. He doesn't catch social cues very well and will plow into something and not realize it. Never use a rhetorical question on him. He totally doesn't get that. He likes repetition in day to day life. He can only focus on one task at a time and that usually takes every ounce of concentration he has. It took me a long time to realize I couldn't text him at work unless I absolutely had to. He wouldn't text back. He couldn't grasp being busy at work and then try to send a reply text. He just couldn't do it. The tests are very eye opening. The last one I want to wait and go over with him. Thank you so much again!! !

Hello Rin!
I only recently got diagnosed with Aspergers myself (Just over a year ago). I'm in Australia though so getting tested only requires having a Medicare card. Easy to obtain. But once the testing began, it took over a year to finally obtain my diagnosis! By being an Adult makes it much harder to test.
A person who suffers with Aspergers (AS for short) Struggles with reading body language. Looking someone in the eye can be next to impossible. So it makes it extremely difficult to socialise. We can't tell if someone is unhappy, Angry, Joyful or afraid. Unless it's at the extremes. The thing is we do care. But unless told or an extreme expression is shown we wont know too care! Not only that but we tend not to show expression ourselves. It's often stated we have a stony expression. Our faces don't react to what we may feel inside. Personally when i was a kid i was just like that. But as i got older it became the opposite. I now show everything i feel in my face without knowing it and without control. It's annoyed people no end!
Possibly because of this (amongst other things) we react differently to certain situations or news. E.g. His grandparents just pass away. His reaction with no expression is to give a short laugh. Yes it seems odd. But he does care. It's just his 1st thought is on something else with the situation. He probably is really upset. We do not react like everyone else at all to situations.
Your man insulted you and didnt know it. To him he might not understand why saying what he did was insulting. I dont know what he said but a person with AS will always say something offensive. Not because they know it is so but because they dont understand it's socially unacceptable. It's just something to talk about.
A lot of people with AS also have been diagnosed with other disorders. A lot of them (like me)will be diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder. That will also influence what he would say to others in company.
For him not to introduce you to people at a party, while unpleasant for you wasnt an intentional slight by him. He just wont even come to the conclusion it was necessary.
My advice in all this. If you really wish to stick things out with him. Try to be a mentor to him. If your going somewhere like a party, give him plenty of preparation. Show him beforehand (on every occasion) that you wished to be introduced and how. What not to say. (He may still slip up) Show him cues for things prior as well. What i mean by that is say at a social occasion he wont stop speaking about a certain interest or starts talking about something embarrassing teach him prior to this a solid signal for him to stop. A solid squeeze of the arm say. Just Something he'll understand.
I believe he is scared. By making life not so serious he makes it safer for him. more manageable!
I'm sorry this reply is very long. I do hope it helps in some way and doesn't make things worse for you. This wont be easy that's for sure. I could say much more on the matter but because to prattle on about subjects of great interest to us is one of our problems i will save you by ending it here.
If you have any questions you wish to ask me i will be glad to help.
I do hope things work out well for the two of you!
Best of luck!

Wow! It was a lot, but I really do appreciate it! And some great advice as well! I am going to have to remember the prep before a party thing. Nate is a very wonderful, caring man. He has a heart of gold. I know he doesn't intentionally screw up. And he knows by my reaction he has screwed up, but he can't figure out why and why I get so upset. Being able to put a name to his disorder has helped immensely. It explains so much of the way he behaves. It doesn't fix everything by any means, but it helps. The down side to all this is the fact I am beginning to think he can't get tested. If things don't work out with his current job, he's back to square one again. And again, no insurance, and without insurance, no way to get tested. I really do think the AS is affecting his work life. He can't seem to hold down a full time job. There's a long road up ahead, but I'm hoping we can work thru it. Thank you so much for your help!! !

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

Your welcome Rin!
Have you thought about contacting a charity? Maybe someone would be willing to help! Also, Why not research the names of some of the people who lead the field in diagnosing Aspergers. Contact them! Maybe they might be able to help!

Hi Rin. I was 31 when I found out about AS (my son was dx'd as HFA), and it fundamentally changed a lot of things for me... more in terms of understanding than finding some instant change that made everything, or anything really, better. The improvement has come with time. When I first learned about it, I took the online tests. I asked people I knew to take them, to create a baseline of comparison, and recorded all their results. Then I contacted my GP, an internist. He knew little, but was willing to research. After he learned more, he agreed that it was the most apt diagnosis but did not feel qualified to make an official diagnosis. I then spoke with my psychiatrist, who thought that it was one of the two most likely options (the other being an atypical form of bipolar II, which does not fit well with my experiences or the patterns in my behavior) - but he also did not feel qualified to make the diagnosis in an adult. Unless I am pursuing accommodations, there isn't a tremendous drive for me to pursue anything more official, as I am also without insurance (self-employedx2). While it may not be of much assistance, you are welcome to contact me if you have questions or if he would like to talk with someone whose experience may not be entirely different than his own.


M.