Doesn't this just feel lie Asperger's Anonymous? It's the one condition one can't help having. I found out officially that I have Asperger's a few months ago and I've just now come around to actually vent about it in a public forum. I have vented to countless people, but it's like it never really matters because no one gets it unless they have actually experienced. The hardest part was the fact that no one tried to acknowledge it soon. The worst thing about finding out about it was that I was watching NBC's Parenthood with my mother and it came to her attention that I am directly in line with most of these. There is no telling how many hours she had spent researching this behind my back before finally suggesting it to me. I did research on it and I found that I was far more accepting than I thought I would be.
There were just too many things in life that lead to this being true, even before I got the diagnosis. I find myself constantly sticking out like a sore thumb in many social aspects. My question is: When does it get easier? When do I stop feeling like I'm FUBAR? The acronym did deserve the complete formatting, of course. I don't seem to fit in anywhere, especially now that I've moved back home from Nashville after pursuing a degree in Electronics Engineering. I didn't even attend my own graduation because I couldn't stand the idea of it. Phasing back a few months prior, I had stupidly attempted to overdose on pills when my now ex-girlfriend went to spend time with a friend of hers from school. I didn't know it, but the only thing that makes sense now is that I did it because she broke our nightly schedule.
Speaking of schedules, I can barely speak to people after work. It's like, I have taken so many hours interaction that I want to shrink back into the safety of my room to talk to people on the Internet or play video games. In fact, on my days off, I tend to stay completely in my room. My parents barely get to see me with the exception of a regularly scheduled trip to the Chinese restaurant, as we have done every week for a long period of time. Ever since I've been home, I suppose. My job works perfectly for me because I'm in a closet with two other people watching cameras all day. I have full permission to not speak to anyone outside of that room if I so choose. The problem with that is, where do I go from here? Where do I go when I want to stop making entry-level pay? I'm only 21 years old, but life is so full of uncertainties for me and that's so annoying!
As far as medications I am currently taking. They have given men Strattera for Adult ADD, which is apparently mixed in with Asperger's, as I've come to find out. So, it's been about four months that I've been on that. As far as whether or not it's working; I'm not sure. I mean, I guess if you consider waking up every morning just wishing that someone would hurt me so badly is a definition of "working," then yes. I mean, I have gone from massively overeating to eating like a normal human(something about dopamine in the brain gained from eating or something like that.) Though, that is partially due to the fact that I've come to accept who I am and what it means for the rest of my life. Otherwise, I suppose the medicine works fine, though it's not like one can expect any medicine to actually work.
Finally, let's vent about my relationships, shall we? I don't just mean dating, however. I mean friendships as well. I have absolutely no one I call a friend. Out of 450 people on Facebook, I consider nary a single one a friend. I find more solace in people I play Left 4 Dead with than these people who call me their friend. It's not that they're bad people either, I just have no interest in having friends. Now, a perfect transition into intimate relationships has been established. Most girls are apparently put off by something like: "I'm not interested in being your friend, I just want to be in a relationship with you. No, I don't just want you for sex, I want to love you and to feel loved, but I don't want to be just your "friend." Oh? So that translates into me basically wanting sexual gratification in exchange for listening to you prattle on about your day?"
My longest relationship was this one I just got out of. And I broke her heart. I mean I f[lipping] broke her heart. I didn't try to, but she loved me more than anything and I would go days at a time without even talking to her. Just because I didn't feel like communicating with her at all. Could I talk to other girls on the Internet? Of course! Apparently most girls take offense to that. This wasn't the demise of the relationship. When I tried overdosing, something changed in her. She suddenly couldn't be away from me for more than a few seconds and she called me all the time just to make sure I was still breathing. She went through countless medications and countless therapies and begged me to come with her. So, what did I do? I LIED about going to see a therapist. I don't mean just lying, I mean, I printed out a Mapquest page to this psychiatrist's office and even scribbled down a time for "said" appointment.
However, I am an extremely brutally honest person about everything. There hasn't been a single thing that I've left out for the most part. I told her everything I was thinking, no matter how cruel, no matter how messed up. If there is one thing I officially ask you guys, once more, it's: Does this get better? I hate myself pretty much all the time. I look at myself and just grimace both inside and out. And it's not even about the fact that I've spent the last 8 years overeating myself into misery. I may weight 360lbs at 5'8, but I've long since taken to trying to be more active whenever possible. However, how can I be more active like a normal person when I hate being around people? When does all of this seem to fit into place?
Phew, I'm through. I swear, if I were you guys, I'd be like: "That's too long, and I didn't read it. Tough luck, it gets better." But, I guess someone somewhere feels compassion for newly awakened Aspies. My longterm goal for being here is finding a way to love myself for who I am...
15 Aug 2010, 3:28 am
