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Hey all. Been reading the forum for a few days and finally decided to bite the bullet and join up so I could participate. I'm not sure if I have AS, but I'm positive I have some AS traits. It is a spectrum disorder after all, eh? I may have a better idea on Tuesday after I talk with a psychiatrist, but I don't think, with the Internet and all, it's completely unreasonable for some people to self-diagnose. I've taken a lot of those online quizzes. The AQ test, for instance, said I was definitely a NT, but the Broad Autistic Phenotype quiz said I was probably on the BAD, although not significantly impaired socially. My biggest issue is socializing in groups. I'm pretty much fine one-on-one, if a little bit unusual in terms of affect (from my own perceptions), but I tend to disintegrate for some reason when in a group. I think a huge component of it is social anxiety, and it's hard to differentiate between/separate the two at times. I just feel overwhelmed in groups and have trouble determining why I should even bother adding my input to a conversation, feeling like it's worthless and unimportant. It's odd, for sure, and maybe symptomatic of Asperger's... not sure. Or maybe it's something like schizoid or BPD... although I think not.

Anyway, that was a little long-winded for an introduction post, but I have recently been, and am, a little frustrated in trying to figure myself out. I quit my I.T. job somewhat spontaneously about a month ago to pursue starting my own business, which I feel is something most Asperger's people would never do. OTOH, I'm 99.9% positive I have ADHD as well, which could explain that. I then proceeded to have a sort of long-term meltdown and am still recovering--which is the biggest indicator of Asperger's in my eyes (the subconscious inability to cope with/handle change). However, I never predicted that (if I had, I wouldn't have quit), because I'd been laid off a few months ago from my previous job and dealt with it fine. I'm getting back on my feet now and trying to start my real estate business. As I'm sure you all can imagine, real estate involves a lot of social interaction, but I really am an extrovert at heart... if a somewhat socially impaired one. I thoroughly enjoy meeting and talking with new people, learning their stories and empathizing with them, and even that small talk that runs contrary to the very definition of Asperger's--which is one of the reasons I question whether I meet the full-blown diagnostic criteria for it. At the same time, while I enjoy that interaction, I sometimes commit social faux pas, like today when I talked to a listing agent and completely forgot it was a holiday weekend (Labor Day, for those of you not in the U.S.!), acting instead like it was a normal weekend and I should expect a reply from him today or tomorrow. Oh, well...fairly minor in the scheme of things, I suppose.

I'm excited about this next chapter in my life--sometimes more than others--and hope to be able to share it with all of you and determine whether or not I really have this "disorder." If I do, I'll embrace it, but a little reluctantly. I've wanted for my entire life to be successful financially and socially, and I feel like that's more than a bump in the road to achieving that end, but reality is reality, and there's no point in trying to repress it.

Thanks for reading, guys. Oh, also, I'm gay, and still in the closet, which makes it all the tougher. Talk about stigmatized... lol

You sound like a introverted or socially awkward NT.

I noticed you mentioned nothing about stimming, sensory sensitivities, obsessions, being bullied, or other eccentric behaviors.

The social difficulties are just one aspect of AS, and the brain damage usually manifests itself in one or more of the above symptoms.

In my case it wasn't just the severe social isolation (going for years without any friends at all), but all of the other problems combined that led me to self-diagnose.

Hey man. Thanks for your reply!

I actually have plenty of eccentric behaviors, lol...just failed to mention them because then my post would have turned into a novel.

Let me enumerate. And thanks for reading my wall of text. I think that also airing some of this will help me recognize and acknowledge that I probably do have more than just a few symptoms of BAP or AS, even though no mental health provider was ever close to willing to diagnose me, saying instead I had AD(H)D or anxiety--or simply nothing. I think this is because I maintain eye contact just fine, and depending on my mood may or may not have a flatter-than-average vocal affect. It really depends if I'm feeling like I'm in my element or not.

Stimming - I don't do anything crazy, I suppose. But I do "stim." I subconsciously rock my legs back and forth; pick my nails, and sometimes pick my lips when bored/not thinking/on the computer/watching TV. I also pace when on the phone or when nervous.

Sensory - not that much anymore, but I still don't like labels on my shirts, prefer to wear an undershirt under a rough shirt, and have this OCD obsession/maybe sensory sensitivity to clothes that aren't clean - they feel different to me, although it depends on the mood I'm in - if I just don't care and am going out for a bite or what not, I can wait to shower/change till I get back. When I was young, however, I had a curious preoccupation with surfaces on the wall and felt the absolute and inexplicable compulsion to literally scratch wall surfaces to see how they felt. I simply cannot explain how this started, where it came from, or when it decided to leave me, but it was pretty weird/unpleasant. It still sends a visceral, uncomfortable shiver over me to this day when I think about actually doing it. I also used to cover one of my ears when shouting for some reason, as though the sound of my own voice bothered me. I also really liked when someone would stroke my arm or back to put me to sleep. My mom does this same thing but has never been diagnosed with AS. I have my suspicions, however, that she's at a minimum on the BAP.

Obsessions - never really had obsessions, per se, at least ones I remember or that my parents will tell me about. Actually, I honestly cringe of embarrassment when writing this, but I had a downright weird interest in my mom's private regions when I was young, which was quickly remedied with a trip to the therapist. I think this may be explained by one of Freud's equally odd psychosexual theories, though... not sure. It wasn't an attraction, but more like a short-term obsession. The strange thing is, I'm now gay or slightly bisexual.

I did also get a certifiable obsession with someone a few years back, which turned out to be a disaster. I won't go into too much detail, but suffice it to say this person totally lied to and manipulated me (another common AS trait, I suppose...ease of manipulation) about who he was, and meanwhile I was a complete wreck for several months obsessing over him. This definitely did consume the better part of my existence and would thus probably meet the criteria for an obsession. It was, though, pretty short-lived.

Oh, and I really liked cars for a while and had an unusual ability to remember arbitrary information about them, like horsepower/torque/engine capacity/performance figures, etc. It's almost like I mentally catalogued it subconsciously (another AS trait). But it wasn't to the point where I'd really go on and on about cars too much, IIRC...I just enjoyed talking about them and have over 17,000 posts on a related car forum.

Being bullied - was never really bullied, though was depressed off and on when I was little because I wanted more friends and felt like nobody liked me. I was essentially the class clown till about puberty, when I suddenly changed and became a lot more self-conscious. But maybe I was the class clown as a coping mechanism for not fitting in. I'd kind of float between friend/clique and friend/clique without ever really building up long-lasting friendships. Thinking about it in retrospect, I don't recall feeling too different from the other kids when socializing with them, but when I'd come home I guess that's when I'd realize and start crying. Once I got so depressed--keep in mind, this level of profound despair all at age 7 or so...--I went outside and sat in the middle of the road. I'm lucky I didn't get struck and killed.

Eccentric behavior - hmm...definitely OCD tendencies, like counting arbitrarily when walking up stairs and having some "magical" thinking elements, that if I didn't do something some harm would come to me or my family, or that if I didn't do certain, I guess you could call them, "stims," similar things would happen. I also worried that I'd go crazy and become a serial or mass killer or kill myself--the latter still afflicts me sometimes when I'm stressed. I also have gotten occasional panic attacks in the past few weeks...not too much fun, esp. because I'd never had these before...

Oh, and I've also been accused a few times of being too pedantic/scholarly in my word choice...which is definitely true...people have accused me of being a walking thesaurus, lol. I can't help it; they're just the words that come to me. I think this is typical for those with AS, as well. I'm very picky about grammar and correct sentence structure, too.

I didn't mean for this to turn into a long-winded diagnosis thread, but I appreciate anyone's insight because that's really one of the main reasons I came here--because I was wrestling with this and felt the need to solicit advice from those who've BTDT. Thanks guys. Any other Qs, feel free to ask.

Anyone else think I'm not crazy at this point?

Nice to meet you, nova2012 - and welcome aboard the Wrong Planet.

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