My intro ramble

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My Introductory Ramble about me (sorry for length and disorganization ahead of time)

I was born the 4th child in 1960 to a large Irish Catholic family in an affluent suburban northern NJ community who also had cousins and friends living with us throughout the years. I often describe it as feeling like I grew up in an orphanage In many ways I was very fortunate and in other ways I wish it were different. Growing up in a large family allows you to fade to the background when you want to which can be useful. Back then, the solution for anyone who was different was to
tell them to suck it up and conform. Anyone who didn't was punished. You learned to keep a lot of it inside. Whenever it slipped out, you would be discplined. In some ways tho, it was easier than it is now as social norms were more well defined and clearer. My parents did and still do love me and were just doing the best they could with what they had available to them at the time. I'm pretty sure my Dad is an Aspie as well and that the AS is what drove him to alcoholism. He was a quiet drunk and always took care of us kids before he sat down at night to drink himself to sleep. In retrospect, I'm pretty sure it's how he dealt with it all. The daily commotion must have sucked the life out of him just like it did to me. BTW, he quit drinking a few years back at 83 years old. For anyone who thinks it is too late for them, it's never too late. I'm proud of him for finding his way after a lifetime of drinking. He finally did it for himslelf, that's the only time it really works.

At 4 years old I was already a very serious kid that taught herself how to read and did not fit in, especially in my loud rambunctious family. When I read, the rest of the world ceases to exist. I must have learned this early as some kind of coping mechanism becuase I don't remember it ever being different than that. Reading is my escape to my world. I never could figure out why my siblings didn't want to play with me and teased me incessently. My earliest memories of what I now know were meltdowns labeled me the family cry baby and over sensitive. My brothers took special joy in making me cry and scaring me whenever the opportunity came up. Brothers can be like that and I survived, but definately was scarred. I was always afraid to go to sleep partly because of my brothers and partly because of the dream. I had the same dream every day from when I was 7 until I was a teenager. The short version is that the whole world is lined up at a factory door and I am in line with everyone else almost to the door. When you go though the door, a crane picks you up by the back of your shirt and puts you on a conveyer. You ride the conveyer through a bunch of giant stamping things (like a mold) and on the other end of the factory you all come out as these teardrop shaped things that are exactly the

same. I would always wake up when the crane was grabbing my shirt to put me in. I guess it was a dream about conformity and my deep fear of it. I still dream it sometimes when life is getting to me. When I did take my face out of a book and try to interact with people, the general theme of the "feedback" I usually got was "don't take that tone with me", "watch your tone", "you're book smart and have no common sense", and "lighten up already". In first grade I discovered the library! I think I read every book they had at Roosevelt Elementary. I can still smell and feel that place now 44 years later. This was also the first year I read all my schoolbooks in September and had nothing left to do the rest of the year. From this year until well into adulthood I was perceived by others as showing off as a know it all because I did not realize that always raising your hand and always being prepared was not normal. It was also when I began holding myself and everyone around me to ridiculously high perfectionist standards. I don't remember playing at school except for one memory of riding trucks through a wall of cardboard bricks in kindergarten and winning a pie eating contest in 6th grade. I do remember the first man on the moon in third grade and developing a deep interest in science. I remember logic puzzles from 6th grade math class that became an obsession. Learning and information continues to be an obsession for me to this day. I still have my first set of encyclopedias from childhood that I read end to end. As an aside, my son, who I believe to also be an Aspie read the same set in second grade end to end in a thirst for knowledge. The apple did not fall very far from the tree. Come to think of it, when I think of my Dad when I was a child, the picture in my head is of him always reading so I guess my son is third generation knowledge thirtsy.I learned early that retreating quietly into my alternate world of books kept me out of trouble with the others. I also was a clumsy kid who got hurt a lot so my parents were just fine if I curled up with a book and didn't do athletic stuff. When I was 12 I discovered computers. My school district had a mainframe and they rented out computer time to the other schools so it was a really big mainframe that took up 2 rooms. Fast forward, I ended up an IT person, no big surprises how that happened there. Let's just also say that I discovered "chatting" in the old BBS system, then later when the internet became "public" ran up a few $800 bills with AOL & Prodigy so I've had my share of experience in electronic communication and kind of prefer it to IRL interaction. You can meet a lot of interesting people online. So most of my childhood was spent learning everything I could by reading and taking things apart to find out how they work inside, because I couldn't help myself (still can't). I skipped 7th grade
and finished all my classes in 10th grade but really felt too young to graduate so they let me work in the office, take any elective classes I wanted to, and help teach ESL and special ed in the junior high to keep me busy until graduation. I don't think these things helped me make any friends or learn anything about socializing. I tried to make friends all of my life but never really succeeded except for a very few. From my childhood, I have 2 people I would consider friends still if I were still in touch with them. Our Moms were friends so we had to be friends but I like them and they like me still when I do see them. I only ever made 4 other real friends as an adult and I only talk to one of them regularly now, but the others I see a few times a year. 2 of those friends I met at jobs, 1 I met at college and 1 our kids were friends. So, back to school for a moment. School, although I got near perfect grades, was pretty much a torture for me. I legally had to spend the time there but finding something to do while there was always challenge. Somewhere in the 70's I took up smoking pot an drinking which made socializing easier and made me less bored. After high school I didn't go go to college right away as I was burnt out on schooling. I worked for a few years then went to school part time for a while. When I was going to school and working, I had to quit the pot, drinking and socializing because there was no time for it really. I never
really went back to it after. I didn't finish college but was pretty successful in IT anyway probably due to being in the right place at the right time and already learning what they were teaching in college in jr high and high school because my district was so far ahead with classes.

I met a guy roller skating when I was 18 and we dated for 7 years then got engaged. He was a geek like me and things were good most of the time. Shortly after getting engaged he cheated on me and it all fell through. I gave up on relationships. About 6 months later I met my husband. I was in one of my all men are a**holes moods at the time so he definately met me at my worst and married me anyway, I have no idea why. He's a great guy, definately 100% NT and buffers me from people and all things social. It's kinda sorta like having a translator. If we have to go to a party, he knows I can't recongnize or remember people so he helps me with names and if I fail to introduce him (because I have no idea what this person's name is even though we have worked the same place for x years and I see them every day) he will reach out and introduce himself while I pretend to have been momentarily distracted. It's a great combo and I am so grateful he does it. He also knows how to make a conversation move forward and pays attention to current events so I don't really have to do that stuff. We have a daughter 21 who has a 9 month old son of her own and is dyslexic, dysgraphic, depressed, has PTSD, has visual perceptual LD, and processing issues. It sounds a lot worse than it is tho, even though we've had a lot of bumps in the road, she's a happy kid most of the time these days, is very NT, has a million friends and great coping skills. We have a son 17 who I think is an Aspie, may also have OCD, is hugely talented in music and can't seem to get out of his own way just like his Mom. I am having him tested soon, waiting for his appointment. In his case I feel like I never figured out that he may have issues because he is just like me and I only recently figured out that I have issues. I have thought that I was just a failure all my life and though I saw him going down that track like me thought that I accidentally taught him bad habits. I wish I had known early enough to get him help when he was young but 17 is still better than figuring it out at 50.

For work and career, I got lucky early on and fell into a field that was also my obsession computers. Up until about 10 years ago, I was comfortable at work. I didn't really need to interact with people a lot, I just had to make the machines work. I was very fortunate to find good work for a long time doing what I loved. The last 10 years it has gotten steadily worse. I'm in mamagement now and am really screwing up as much as possible as the job involves a lot of people and
organizational skills that I don't really do well. I'm improving though! Hopefully I will improve a lot soon as it looks like if I don't, by the end of summer when the big project I'm working on finishes, I am slated to get fired. My boss hates me and says he's tired of me being "House". I kind of have a reputation for overreacting (melting down). I half hope he does fire me because I really hate this job except for the money. I am the only one in our house working right now so it is a ton of pressure and the more the pressure is there the harder it is to get my head on straight each day to go do battle with the world. I have been getting to work 2-3 hours late every day and they are really mad at me but I am struggling really hard with even arriving. Most days I am having constant panic attacks. It is really hard to act normal through a panic attack when your having chest pain and the sweats and all. The only thing that keeps me going at all is knowing that I have to keep my kids safe and fed. My husband is 15 years older than me and just got laid off in April and has no prospects for work at 65 in this economy. I have to keep focusing on that I will only need to do this for a year or two more until my son is out of high school. If it were just me and my husband I would have told them to shove it a long time ago.

So anyway, what does all of this have to do with WP and how did I land here? Last fall, my sister sent me a link on FB to the Aspie test and I was shocked to see by my score that I could possibly have Aspergers. Being the research maniac I am, I started reading everything I could get my hands on and the more I read the more I knew that this was about me. All of the things that for the past 50 years I have come down hard on myself for doing actually may have a reason and for the first time ever I think I relaxed for a few moments and cut myself a break. I actually cried when I found WP and started reading stuff people were writing that sounded like it came right out of my own head. I have never met anyone who thought like me before. So ... being the likely Aspie I am, I assumed you could all read my mind, jumped in and tried to make contact by helping people and was promptly ignored by all. In retrospect, none of you know anything about me and why would you like to contact me back or respond, here i am saying what you should do and I haven't even said hi first. So Hi, heres some stuff about me that I hope gives you some insight to my journey through life so far. It's hard to fit 50 years into one post but I tried. I'm on a giant roller coaster now one day sure I'm Aspie, the next day sure I'm not. I see that others go through this phase too. I have to save up $750 to get tested and that is going to be awhile. My insurance will cover my son's testing if I can get him to go before he turns 18 so I think I will focus on that for now and on healing a little bit from 50 years of pain. Truth be told it doesn't matter to me what the doctor says about me, it's enough for me just to know that there are actually people who are like me on the planet and I am neither alone nor nuts. I feel like I have found my home planet!

Thanks for reading this, please say Hi back ?

Franma

D: I am way too ADD to read all that! At least at the moment, I am. I'll prolly read it later.
But hi back!

Hi Franma. Think you've done pretty good for an undiagnosed Aspie. I am sure you son will do great, too. Best wishes.

Thanks for saying Hi Back !

Laydeewriter Sorry for the info overload - I'm working on that I'm just really glad you said Hi!

Ilka Thanks for the Best Wishes I really needed that!

To WrongPlanet!! !

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Hello richie & AnonymousAnonymous thanks for the welcome I appreciate it!

Welcome!

Hi, welcome Franma

I think you should also look at giftedness for the "I am a bookworm who learnt to read early who love learning, science and logic puzzles" parts.

Welcome!

Welkome to WrongPlanet.

The WP Kink

Welcome.

That was an interesting ramble. Like you, and many others here, I learnt to read early on, and often used it as an 'escape mechanism'.
Anyway, I hope you meet plenty of like-minded people on the fourm, and that you enjoy being here.

Good luck with your son's testing.