Hmm... Well then... I am a 26 years-old from Italy.
My life has been kind of upside-down as long as I can remember. As a kid I was both too bright and too inept; I learnt to read and write at three, I had a professor-like vocabulary and such, but then I was biting my mates at the kindergarten since I had no idea they were feeling pain and I was too "slow" in all the practical things.
The inept psycholgist provided by the Italian NHS of the late 80s just said I had "a gap between my intellectual and emotional development" and then encouraged my ambitious parents in their plan to send me to school in advance.
Actually the first year, in a quiet private school, wasn't too bad because it was a very protected environment; but then when I had to go to the public school, that was hell; I had no idea on how to interact correctly - either I wanted to be alone or I tried to play with others by being very bossy and refusing to play popular games; I didn't understand the body language at all; then I was terribly clumsy (could not catch a ball) and over-reacted to anything (e.g. crying desperately and dropping on the floor if one shaked his hands in front of my face); so I soon became the victim of all the existing bullies; I didn't even try to defend myself since I had taken the "turn the other cheek" thing too inflexibly; the teachers didn't care, since I was the weird one; they said my parents I was "problematic" but they were just offended, didn't look deeper into that.
As for what school results are concerned, I was very bright - but I was far from the stereotype of the well-behaved little geek - my parents were ashamed of me because I was apparently ignoring their orders (actually I wouldn't ever have broken rules, but I didn't understand what I was expected to do; I also had and still have issues with filtering noises, so that sometimes I was simply not hearing), I had tantrums in shops etc; I remember I was punished continuously, but I've never been able to understand why.
I'll skip further details of my sad childhood; I'll just say my only happy moments were those spent studying insects, my obsession at that time.
Teenagehood was a little less bad since I was in a school full of quiet and nerdy people, where being the "odd intellectual" if not appreciated was at least respected; however I wasn't able to build real friendship even there, except with one girl, who was very unusual in another way. At that time I didn't know that talking about philosophy for three hours wasn't entertaining for others as it was for myself - and that those who said "oh don't worry, I am not bored" were actually meaning the opposite.
I spent my first youth trying to figure out WHY things weren't working for me as they were for others - why others were meeting friends and dates and were having fun when expected, while I was eternally out of sync. After my very horrible childhood, I was in the deepest denial of my lack of social skills: I didn't want to be that unhappy kid any longer, so I wanted to believe I was socially okay and I would have had a tantrum if pointed out otherwise.
Anyway life went on, I must say I learnt several things both by experience and by books - but still having those troubles that you cannot tell because you would not be believed, such as being sexually harassed by a professor and believing him when he told me that was the way extroverts normally behave to be polite. I used to be also misundestood for apparently inconsistent behaviour, such as hearing very minor noises but then not being able to understand what I was told if there were other stimuli in the background. My family often complained (and still does) that I make them feel ashamed, because my physical reactions to light touch and sudden noises make me look like someone who had been abused (and they don't get it's not something I can't control). No need to say I've always been losing friends without ever knowing why.
When I was 24, an acquaintance explained me he had AS and I was astonished because 1. he looked much more normal and sociable than me 2. what he was telling sounded largely like the story of MY life. I started researching into the topic very obsessively and found so many things of me in the descriptions - and finally had the chance to understand troubles I'd had - and somehow to forgive me, for having been a "problem child" and everything.
I tried to find a professional to test me, but there is no specialist in my area and I just met a list of creeps who had probably found their degree in the cereal box ("you can't be autistic because you *speak*" wins the most-ignorant-opinion contest); finally I discussed the issue with a shrink I'd been seeing for a while and he agreed I did match the criteria for AS, but he didn't want to diagnose me because "I didn't have to obsess over labels" and blah blah. I am not making further efforts to pursue a diagnosis at least at the moment, since if you consider my area, age and situation I would have no help at all, and possibly even more risks of discrimination.
However just coming here and reading about people with whom I can relate is a great relief because so I am not the only messed up person in the world, how I used to feel.
22 Jun 2011, 11:22 am
