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Hello WrongPlanet (perhaps the Right Planet for me?),

Greetings and Salutations! Perhaps it would behoove me to begin my introduction with tales of my youth. It all began so long ago on a planet in a little star system, oh, about 500 LYA from here. OK, ok, you got me, I was born right here on planet Earth! On some days, I wonder how it all could be, though.

I am 26 years old, and have not received a diagnosis of any form of autism. Despite this, I am fairly certain that I do indeed have some form of autism, and I find that I most particularly conform to the description of Aspergers Syndrome. I haven't come to this forum for a diagnostic confirmation, though, so I'll skip most of the boring details of how I came to that conclusion. Suffice it to say, that I found it almost impossible to make any friends growing up, and I had severe difficulties with academic work throughout the entirety of my educational career, and particularly starting in Middle School.

What I am more interested in focusing on is the peculiarities of my cognitive style, and the implications of that for my basic functioning in life. I feel that it has been an almost impossible task in life to initiate and follow through with almost anything. There is literally nothing that I can recall ever starting on my own initiative and actually being able to follow through to completion. At least nothing of any significance. This is not on account of poor intelligence. I did not even graduate from high school (as a result of failing grades), yet I got in the top 1% on the GED, having a perfect score in most of the categories. I have never had my IQ tested, but I have every reason to believe that it is significantly above average.

In the 9 years following high school, I've basically just languished and done nothing. I do not have a driver's licence, have only had a job for about 2 months, and have literally not the foggiest conception of how to change anything about my circumstance. It seems to me that my mind works thusly:

My natural mental disposition is to be turned into the workings of my own mind, mulling over and reflecting upon endlessly the chosen subjects of my present interest. As far as dealing with the external world, I had troubles with basic functions like getting dressed and bathing when I was younger, but these things do not seem to present any great difficulty to me now. However, beyond what is immediately in sensory range, I am completely and hopelessly lost. If you were to drive me a few miles away from home, I wouldn't even know how to get back. I do not know how to set a goal and follow through with it. I have wanted to go to college for years, but simply am lost as to how to even begin. Basically, I am locked into my own internal world and do not know how to relate to what is external to me at all. It is as if the external world is superfluous and irrelevant.

Despite the inability to complete school work and get good grades when I was young, I am actually quite exceptionally talented in a number of academic subjects. I am well read in history, philosophy, literature, psychology, biology, theoretical physics, economics, politics, religion, (and the list could go on a bit longer) and can deftly opine on all of these subjects. I am acutely aware of how things are related to one another. In many respects, I am one of the most intelligent people I have ever known.

Interestingly, even though I am not very capable of making friends, I have been held in high esteem and affection by a number of people over the years. I am capable of looking people in the eyes, using facial and manual gestures, and using appropriate inflection when speaking to people. Though I do not much enjoy idle chit chat with people, I am certainly capable of it under some circumstances. Externally, I would probably appear quite normal upon first meeting me.

People who know me cannot seem to comprehend why I do not seem capable of much of anything. They mostly regard me as being exceptionally intelligent, and do not seem to think that I am too socially awkward, either. They seem to think that I am simply not pushing myself "hard enough", not realizing that I struggle every day to cope with the world on an even basic level.

I would like to know if this is something that other people on this forum can relate to, and what I could possibly say to help others to understand the circumstance that I am in. Nobody would be happier than I if my brain would suddenly allow me to do what most people take for granted, and move on with my life and make a contribution to the world. But at my age, my brain has seemingly completed its maturation, and I am left with a level of functioning akin to a small child.

Thank you for your comments and insight.

Welcome platocrat to Wrong Planet!

Yes, you sound like one of us. When I say "us", I'm generalising a bit, because I've never actually met or spoken with anyone else here. Still, I've scratched on people's postings for long enough to feel at home.

I hope you enjoy the experience. There's not a lot else about being an autistic adult that's enjoyable.

Thanks for the comment, peterd!

Well, I suppose it's good to hear that I fit in somewhere. What is strange to me is how my deficits in executive functioning are not included in the diagnostic criteria for AS at all, and yet that is far and away the thing that plagues me the most. I actually rather enjoy most other aspects of it.

The thing that propelled me to post here in the first place is that the past year has been virtually a living nightmare due to a medical problem unrelated to AS. It isn't life threatening, but it could be permanent and it profoundly impacts my quality of life. I didn't feel too bad about myself prior to the emergence of this condition, but since then I've started to become deeply unsatisfied with my life, and I have finally started to come to terms with the fact that these problems related to autism is likely to be with me for the rest of my days. It's just that I'm started to think about how little I've accomplished in a conventional sense, and how the medical condition added to my situation makes everything feel quite hopeless.

What I'm starting to wonder is what is going to become of me in the long term. Right now, I'm living with my parents, of whom you might be questioning why they haven't forced me to do more things. Well, that is just the way they are. They really don't care what I do or don't do. As long as they are alive, they will make sure that I am fed, clothed, and sheltered, but that is it. They have never had me go to a psychologist, nor have they helped me do anything else. They are disappointed by how my life has turned out, but they don't often harangue me about it otherwise. The only job I've had was a short stint doing construction a few years back, and that was only because I was provided with transportation to and from the work site. As appears to happen with many Aspies, I didn't last long. In a way, reading some of the stories people have written, I'm actually glad I haven't had to go through the troubles that they have.

What happens if things don't change, though? I suspect that I might get some sort of inheritance some day, but I don't think that it'll last me forever. Do I collect disability? Or is there some sort of hope that my problems can improve somehow? I haven't seen any evidence that they can, but I'm open to the possibility.

I think what I want more than anything is the ability to achieve some sort of self acceptance. Even if nobody else can understand me, I need to come to terms with myself. I've often loathed the aspects of myself that I've tried so hard to change but couldn't. What I feel I need is some sort of validation that I am in fact a normal member of the human family, even if that normalcy is on the fringes. I just don't want to feel like I'm the only person on spaceship earth going through these things. I've never known any other person with autism, so I do feel quite alone with my struggles at times.

Welcome.

Thing is, most of the diagnostic interest is in kids. Young kids. It's possible, perhaps to do something for them that'll improve their chances in this lottery we call life.

Executive functions don't tend to become interesting until the kids get to about college age, or greater. Yes, it all feels like one life to us, but when it comes to research things lag behind a bit. There are people who work with adult aspie clients who are interested in executive function sets, but for that to merge back into the accessible literature is going to take a while yet. We can't even rely on NTs knowing what autism is yet. There's work to be done. There are lots of normals who don't do exceptionally well on executive function tests, and there aren't established ways to improve their outcomes. For autistics to improve their executive functioning? Dream on.

That seems to be the case. Since children have everything managed for them by adults, any executive dysfunctions that they have are not going to be manifest. At least, the impact on their lives is going to be minimal relative to the other issues.

"For autistics to improve their executive functioning? Dream on."

That is definitely my experience. As much as I've tried over the years to consider what my limitations are and why that might be, I've only ever hit roadblocks. I was thinking, though, we don't suddenly expect a paraplegic to start walking. I doubt that my executive functioning will ever improve much, but what if there was some sort of accommodation for me? Like an executive functioning wheelchair ramp. Because without that, I'm afraid that there isn't much chance that I'll be able to change. As it is, I have scarcely better executive functioning than a child. If anyone is wondering how it could be, that a function so basic is absent in some, just look at children. There is your analogy. It is just the case that my functioning never progressed beyond that point. We don't expect children to just "figure out" how to survive, and frankly, given my limitations, it seems unreasonable to expect me to do so. But attitudes will have to change before there is any accommodation, I suppose.

I suspect that I could make a substantial contribution to the world if I wasn't "lost in space". You would think that somebody would have figured how to harness the power of the internet to help such people by now. If I could only work online, and not have to submit a resume with all of the wonderful things that I've accomplished over the last few years, my life would be fine.

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