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I'm an Israeli guy serving in the Israeli defence forces. I'll probably won't last here much, since I dread communication, but I was tempted to join by the perceived chance to share my experience with people who seem to have similar problems (i.e. I think I've found a place where I can talk excessively about my problems).

I suspect I have Asperger's, and I'm now in the process of getting psychiatric assessment with the generous help of the Israeli army, which only required me to hide for three hours and say that I contemplate suicide. Oh, and say some stuff about my childhood and growing up to the Mental Health Officer.

I don't think I understand much. I've hated the mere thought, for years, that I might have a "mental illness", and assured myself that I can overcome "that little problem" if I just try a little harder. But I have failed consistently (at least on a deeper level) and hated myself for that. I'm mainly confused. I don't know whether I understand social cues or not, but it seems to me I don't. I can't decide whether people like me or not, and I have an irrational fear that anyone has a great potential to be a backstabber and would do awful stuff to me. I'm a great faker, and I've been faking friendliness and an outgoing personality for so long that I'm not sure what the "real me" is any more. People love me. I'm popular. I make people laugh. But it disgusts me. I often know what to say to make people laugh, but I often don't understand why they find what I say so funny or why they find it amusing at all, and I feel awfully trapped by popularity. I'd like the most to be left alone, but I just can't make myself stop trying (and, oh woe, succeeding) to attract people to myself, since I fear that if I stop doing so, I will be harmed for being different. The amusing weirdo is a great asset to the company; the plain weirdo has to be terminated - that's how feel others must think.

And people want to chat with me. They tell me jokes that I don't find amusing; they tell me personal stories I'm not interested in; they tell their opinions, which I don't give a flip about; they want to go out with me and I say yes because I don't know what else to say. And they tell me that they like me, which for some reason I hate the most.

I know all this probably sounds like "the rich man's problems" to many of the people here, but it's a horrid experience to me. Communication causes great fear and anxiety to me, but I feel compelled to try and communicate with some people as much as I can or at least in a way that later makes them approach me (which I hate). It's like some sort of a satanic trap. And there are some more jolly good mental and physical issues to accommodate the above-mentioned, but I think that'll truly be too much for a first post.

So... the weather is rather pleasant today, doncha think?

Welcome to WrongPlanet, Chuzhack!

Hope you enjoy your stay here, however long or short it may be

I'm not the "enjoying" type, really, so I doubt it. But who knows, maybe the autistic atmosphere will cheer me up. I really do feel somewhat relieved whenever I browse through the forums. It's like there are people who have just the same difficulties like me! Thanks for the warm welcome, anyway.

Welcome to WP, Chuzhack.

Meanwhile, for as long as you are in the IDF, keep your head down.

That's three more years. I'm afraid I might expire by then, and I certainly don't want to guard a warehouse for three years, which seems the perspective for me right now. I'll get all the psychiatric help I can get from the army, since I'm afraid I might not do anything at all by myself, and then I might drop from the army, since, well, my problems are serious enough - I've already been told that I "might not be able to serve at all" by a military psychiatrist.

Welcome to WP

Welcome.