I am 56 so I was not diagnosed with Asperger's as a child. But my whole life I have been called "strange" and "weird" or "eccentric." I would have thought that would have ended now that I am a mature individual, but even within the past year, a mutual acquaintance remarked to my wife that "your husband is so weird." And more recently a 48 year old acquaintance posted on my face book page that "its tough being you" (little did he know how right he was).
My wife diagnosed me. We have been together for about 7 years. Early on in our relationship she would occasionally call me an "Ass-Burger"--an intentional mispronunciation to point out one of my more annoying tendencies--like a manic angry outburst. I don't know whether she genuinely thought I had aspergers initially, but over time she claimed to have no doubt. I remained skeptical. When "Adam" came out she suggested that we watch it. While I am clearly not as impacted as the character in the movie, I could still relate to virtually every scene. (One scene that especially hit home was the first "date" with the neighbor: When he got ready a couple of hours early, and then paced around his apartment, and then couldn't open the door when she knocked. The difference between me and the character is that I would have forced myself to open the door, but my shaking and clumsiness from the anxiety would have been easily noticed.)
I was still skeptical, though, mostly because I was skeptical about our amateur diagnosis skills. My mother who is 81 virtually convinced me. Last Thanksgiving we were visiting and shared our Asperger's theory with her. She was adamant that we were wrong because her only son is obviously perfect. When we got together at Christmas, my mom remarked that "The Big Bang Theory" was her new favorite show. That seemed odd, because I wouldn't have thought that she would get many of the jokes. Turns out that her fondness for the show was because Sheldon reminds her so much of her son. Oh my, even my mom sees it when she doesn't understand the caricature that is being portrayed.
So I took a few of the "Asperger's Tests" that I found online and consistently scored in the "could be" category...and not borderline either.
I have since added things up from the past. When I was 12 I started contemplating suicide. I kept myself from doing it because I realized that I was young and wanted to see how the "play" turned out.
When I was 18 my parents took me to see a psychiatrist. He gave me the MMPI. I was very excited about that because I was hoping it was going to explain why I felt so different. During my next visit, I asked about the results. He told me that the results indicated that I was severely disturbed, but that he didn't see that degree of disturbance during our talk sessions, so he had concluded that I was smart enough to have faked it and was going to ignore it. A few weeks or months later I got my first girlfriend and lost my virginity. When I told him about that, he declared me cured and I stopped going. His incompetence has aggravated me for 38 years.
I was finally diagnosed with depression when I was 30. I have been on anti-depressants off and on ever since. The "off" periods were my own fault because I would take myself off hoping that whatever was causing the depression had gone away. Whenever I did so, my wife would invariably ask whether I was taking my drugs, because my angry outbursts would resurface. I have finally accepted that I will need the drugs for the rest of my life.
Why am I posting here today? Two things happened recently. My anxiety issues surfaced dramatically over the past six months causing a loss of appetite. I lost 10 pounds in six months and I was thin to begin with. The appetite loss hockey sticked to the point that I was eating almost nothing and fortunately my only friend noticed and said something, before I passed the point of no return.
The second occurrence was trivial but telling. My wife and I were watching the TED lectures on the science channel and one of the lecturers presented the Bouba Kiki demonstration. I had no idea which character was bouba and which was kiki. I was trying to reason it out. Even my wife who knows me and understands that I have peculiarities was dumbfounded that it wasn't obvious to me. It dawned on me that my brain really is wired differently than most people.
I guess that is enough for an introduction. But I have 56 years worth of stories so I could go on and on. I will conclude that while I like the wrong planet metaphor, my own sensation through my life has been that I was born to soon and should have been born sometime in the future after people have gotten past all the silliness that makes no sense to me.
16 Apr 2012, 12:41 pm
