14 Nov 2006, 12:30 am
Hi folks,
I've been stopping by this site from time to time for a while now. I thought I'd sign up and make my first post when I found something that I wanted to comment on, but I haven't seen anything that's lept out at me yet, so I thought starting a thread here might be a way for me to get my feet wet a little bit.
I'm twenty-four years old and very recently diagnosed with AS. Obviously, as most such diagnosises are, I'd imagine, it's been several months in the making in one way or another, so it wasn't a complete shock. At the same time, though, I'm still finding it a unique experience to finally realize after so many years of thinking of myself as just very eccentric that I'm actually autistic, and one I'm not quite sure what to think of yet.
In a way it's kind of liberating to know that I have a label and actually do fundamentally have a different biologically-driven way of viewing the world, but in another way it makes me feel even more alienated to know that I'm never really going to fit in. I sort of already knew anyhow, but here it is in black and white, so to speak. Can one be in shock about something one had tons of advance notice about? I'm a bit surprised at my reaction, honestly (Of course, apparently I am "probably incapable of lying", so I suppose that I'm being honest goes without saying. Oddly enough I never realized that I'd never directly and purposely lied about anything in my entire life to the best of my recollection until a therapist mentioned that I probably couldn't and I actually looked back and stuff. Seems like an odd thing not to notice! I did at least know I was extraordinarily honest, though.).
Anyhow, thanks to this and some other neurological issues, as well as some physical issues, I don't work and am told with the combination I have that I'll probably never be able to. That certainly isn't helping me fit in with society, not that I really did in the first place anyhow! 
Ultimately, if I can get government assistance, I'll survive (Which would be a good thing -- I've almost been homeless several times and often find myself dependent on others to a much greater extent than I'd like), but a dream of mine has always been to find a soulmate to settle down with and, though I've managed to find several girlfriends over the years, either my financial state or what I now realize were autistic-type issues have always caused them to break up with me. Unfortunately, both of those things will be with me my whole life it appears. Of course, I wouldn't "cure" my autism even if I could, I realize it's an intrinsic part of who I am, and I think neurodiversity is a thing to be cherished, despite the obstacles it may create.
I wonder, though, how to cope with this reality that finding a spouse is so unlikely. I am actually a really romantic sentimental guy, at least as far as Aspergians go, and it has really grieved me over the years to slowly begin to realize how bad my odds really were. Even when I devoted about 5-6 years of making dating my number one priority, it didn't work out. It'd take talking to perhaps 1,000 women online to find one who would meet with me, and then maybe 1 of 3 of those meetings would turn into a dating relationship, but ultimately those relationships always developed the same problems. It always mystified me how I could be so upfront about my personality traits and my financial future and then several months later someone would dump me because they turned out to be exactly as I'd described them, as if it were some new revelation. These aren't exact quotes, but suddenly their attitudes would be something like "Wait, you *really* can't work?", "Wait, you *really* like routine and stability that much?", "Wait, you *really* want an honest and open relationship where we don't lie to each other?"
I don't know, I would think that honesty and loyalty and stability and so forth would be positive traits that people would enjoy in a mate, but, though people say they enjoy those things, I'm not sure I've ever met anyone other than myself who actually truly does. I'm even high-functioning enough that I smile sometimes and have a bit of a sense of humor (Albeit not quite a normal one), and I am very physically affectionate within relationships (Though not with family or friends. Aside from in romantic contexts and maybe playing with a dog or something, I hate touch.).
I do see why people wouldn't want a spouse who doesn't make any money, granted. But even understanding that part, it's difficult to deal with. I actually wonder if having a soulmate might be one of my Aspie-intense interests things. I try to give up because of the odds against it and usually wind up not being able to.
Anyhow, um, hi. 
I tried to make this post less ramble and more introduction, but, well, I tend to ramble. I guess that's probably an Aspie thing, so I'd imagine you folks are probably used to it by now.
hartzofspace
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14 Nov 2006, 12:57 am
Welcome to WP! And thanks for the long post. It was interesting And I could relate to a lot of what you said about being basically honest and up front with people, only to have them be surprised when what you said turned out to be true. I have experienced that, as well. Anyway, glad you found WP.
14 Nov 2006, 1:07 am
hyper_alien
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14 Nov 2006, 2:43 am
One-Winged-Angel
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14 Nov 2006, 2:52 am
14 Nov 2006, 2:56 am
14 Nov 2006, 5:10 am
Hi CharmCityCrab, and welcome aboard the good ship Wrong Planet.
I enjoyed reading your post. It was interesting to read such a full introduction.
Hope you enjoy your time here.
14 Nov 2006, 3:46 pm
mcewen
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14 Nov 2006, 4:17 pm
14 Nov 2006, 7:18 pm
Hi and welcome to WP .
You wrote:
"Of course, I wouldn't "cure" my autism even if I could, I realize it's an intrinsic part of who I am, and I think neurodiversity is a thing to be cherished, despite the obstacles it may create."
So glad to hear that and I wish you well in finding that special someone.
15 Nov 2006, 3:58 pm
larsenjw92286
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15 Nov 2006, 4:11 pm
