Hello everyone. I don´t know where to start. Since I was a young child, I have always been "different" than other children, than other people. I have always had my inner world, huge imagination, fantasy. I have always been daydreaming and stimming while daydreaming. My stimming is playing with laces, rubber bands, strings, ribbons etc. I don´t remember when and how it started. It started about my age of 3. First, as a young child, I used to clap my hands with laces, rubber bands, strings ribbons etc. between them. I called it "clapping". Since about the age of 11 or 12 I don´t clap anymore but instead I rub laces and similar things against my fingers of both hands. It´s very pleasurable to me -and so was the "clapping" - I feel vibration and power in the hands and it helps me daydream or concentrate while reading a book. I just can´t explain that power in my hands connected to daydreaming. I don´t want to stop. When I was a child, my parents and other adult family members always tried to make me stop, used to forbid me it, censured me for it. But I coudn´t stop and actually didn´t want to. I have never understood what´s wrong with it, why should I stop it. It´s has always been the part of me and for me it´s unthinkable to stop.
But this kind of stimming is not the only thing what makes me different. I did and still do other strange movements. For example, when I listen to music, I swing instead of dancing -and I also fantasy during it. I can´t explain it. And also, I have always been very shy, I actually have social phobia. I feel that my emotions are different from other people´s emotions. I don´t understand many things what are common and normal for other people. I don´t understand relationships, love, sex. I´m 29 years old and a virgin. I have no desire for relationship and sex. I miss a desire for "normal" life. I don´t need many people around me. Having a few good friends and family who cares of me is enough for me. What fulfills me is my inner world, daydreaming, books, my stimming.
Five years ago I had psychological tests including IQ test. I´m still sad for the results. My verbal IQ is 103, my performance IQ is only 66(!) and full scale is 82. I have some skills above average but other skills I lack. The psychologist concluded I have an organic personality disorder. She said it could be caused by high fevers which I had as a young child or lack of oxygen during my birth. That makes me sad since I had thought my "difference" is not wrong but special. The next psychologist told me I could have an asperger. But I read that people with asperger have above average or at least average IQ. I wish I was an aspie. If I was, it would give me hope that my "difference" is not something bad. Perhaps the first psychologist could be wrong. I still hope I´m an aspie(that´s why my nickname is Hopetobe).
09 Sep 2012, 11:08 am
