Hello, finally coming to terms with my diagnosis

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I believe again and I’m not scared anymore. No I didn’t find religion. I merely am finding comfort in the fact I am an individual with Asperger’s Syndrome. I have long lamented my lack of being an interesting person but that is because I robbed myself of my identity because I wanted to fit into a society of sharks. For six years, I have betrayed myself and my identity by living a lie.

Diagnosed over a decade ago, my father became absent in my life and my mother became too controlling in how she tried to structure my life. I would be kept home for several years before being allowed to go to a public school by them. I quickly grew tired of the diagnosis. It was used to segregate me from my peers by my parents, the schools I would go to, as an excuse for why I couldn’t do the things I wanted to do. I won a battle by myself with the help of my Geometry and Spanish teachers against the public schooling system and my parents by age fifteen that removed my Special Education status.

It was never that I was ashamed of the diagnosis. It was my shame at simply not being able to fit in and knowing why that was. I wanted to live a normal life with friends. Do things you know? Sadly the removal of a label changes nothing. I couldn’t remove my mannerisms, my habits, or who I was.

No matter how hard I tried to fit in, I couldn’t cut it. Sure I always was a cult hero to each incoming wave of less-than-popular freshmen no matter the high school or how old I was, but no meaningful friendships developed. The ability to get along with them was merely because I could empathise with their plight: little fish in a big sea of sharks. The fleeting, everyday social contact with the freshmen who I especially liked was acceptable to my terms and conditions of how I was living – I wanted to touch from a distance. I would never get close and I would never let them close. But it was a lonely, awful existence.

The few times I tried to integrate myself into the normal social groups resulted in rejection, being used, or nothing. The exceptions were the teams I was a student athletic trainer for. I had no business being a trainer but it kept my mind occupied and it was for a greater purpose then myself – keeping people healthy and hydrated. Spare me the waterboy jokes. If you think Adam Sandler is funny, you’ve merely been brainwashed by what Hollywood deems as comedy.

Now I’m not saying I fit in with these athletic groups. I’m merely saying I found acceptance and people who valued my existence. I always made sure to be ‘’Johnny on the spot’’ with the water. Every year when the football season was over, I would always have seniors come up to me and tell me that my tape jobs were worthless, my knowledge of injury treatment was cut-rate, but by God they would always tell me that despite all of it: I was hands down the best ‘’water engineer’’ they ever met in all their years of high school sports. That became my purpose during high school. I could touch from a distance by doing something I was good at: bringing the water to the athlete instead of making the athlete come to the water like most other trainers.

I also trained for a girl’s soccer team as well and it was a special kind of disaster. Whose ever idea it was to make me the sole trainer for a team of twenty-six beautiful women should have been shot for sadism. I remember telling the captain of the team the following: ‘’I’m a socially inept human being. Just a warning.’’ But that same day, the temperature dropped from mid-sixties (Fahrenheit) to ten degrees by night time. I had a track jacket. By the game’s end I had a scarf, three parkas, two sweaters, two pairs of gloves, handwarmers, and a skullcap. It was the first time the opposite sex gave a damn about me.

Still I could only touch from a distance. It was what I knew. Plus, nearly all the girls on the team were popular. I realised any friendship would have to be confined to soccer games or the occasional hello in the halls. The rest of the season that year was expertly played by them and expertly played by me. I was a true professional at stoicism. The next year, the seniors I felt comfortable with had gone to college and I was left with the rest of the team I never really was comfortable with. It was a good season but without the guidance of the seniors I was lost and it became a disaster for me socially.

The only other people who I could connect to were football coaches and a few teachers I had throughout high school. I’m funny that way. I feel more comfortable around older people. The coaches gave me free reign over my time whenever I was a student in their classes and served as interim father figures. The teachers I was fortunate enough to have (Algebra 1 teacher in freshman year, Spanish teacher in sophomore year, AP US history teacher in junior year) were a great help in just being tolerant of my differences and tailoring their teaching to me (My US history teacher said I was the only person who would score a higher grade without notes than I would taking notes).

After dropping out of high school (I was being forced to take five classes to graduate for my senior year when I only needed one to be done), I coasted through life for a year. My lost war of change had left me confused and unsure of who I was anymore. My parents threw me out. A friend’s family who took me in threw me out (for something we all knew wasn’t my fault). I left a religious shelter for young men after being accused of homosexuality (yay religious wackos!) simply because I told an off-colour joke. I tried college but it was the exact same as high school – idiots wasting their parents money. I left and decided to see a recruiter. I am scheduled to leave for the Air Force this upcoming winter.
I don’t know if I’ll cut it in the Air Force. But I want something to challenge me. Something where I have incentive to follow an order (my four jobs which I’ve either quit due to idiot managers or been fired due to managers who dislike me had no incentive – no raises, no promotions). I’m not telling them about my Asperger’s though because the Air Force itches for reasons to not accept a potential recruit or throw out a current service member (military personnel cuts you know).

But I am getting too wrapped up in writing about my past. A football coach I volunteer for while I await being shipped out figured out I had Asperger’s without me saying anything. He said it was because of my dedication to showing up in the early mornings to film practice at least a half hour before time (anything after is late to me), my attention to detail (I take it hard if I miss a play), and because of our many discussions about stuff that I have strong opinions on. He figured it out by getting to know me. He told me something I’ve never heard from anyone though. He told me all the positives of having Asperger’s that ‘’normal’’ people don’t have. No one ever told me that before and I never thought of it from that angle.

It was that day that I researched Asperger’s for the first time in my life. I wandered across a UK website for autism that gave me great encouragement (especially the part where it listed the positives about being in a relationship with an ‘’Aspie’’ -- my ultimate goal in life is to overcome my fear of rejection and be in a life-long relationship with a woman who can accept me for who I am). I felt a wave of relief come over me as I read material after material online.

I still am on this self-discovery voyage but for the first time that I can remember, I feel comfortable in my own skin. I am finding my identity.


RANDOM TIDBITS ABOUT ME:

-I love American football statistics. All my favourite players are retired for the most part (besides Tebow and Reed Doughty) so my only reasons to watch are the Cowboys and the statistics. I will lose all interest most likely in a few years once the 5000 passing yard marker becomes common place and running the ball becomes a novelty.

-The only video games I can play are Star Wars games or Madden. Madden because I play franchise mode as an RPG.

-I love American and British history but also love any piece of history if its inspiring.

-I only watch history-based movies or movies that can actually make me feel emotion.

-I love listening to music but I don’t want to learn to play an instrument as it would completely demystify the power of music for me. I generally gravitate towards late 70’s-early 80’s post-punk (Joy Division, The Sound, Gang of Four), modern indie music (The Shins, Editors, Morning Parade), ACTUAL pop music (Keane, Amy Macdonald) and alternative (R.E.M., Depeche Mode). And anything Noel Gallagher sings.

-I can only empathise with a human being if I’m gone through what they are going through at the time.

-I don’t find celebrities attractive generally-speaking.

-If life was simply walking outdoors, I’d be the happiest person ever. I find it completely relaxing to walk while talking to myself out loud.

-My favourite foods are Jamba Juice smoothies, cheese pizza, grilled salmon with garlic butter, beef and barley soup, and wheat flour tortillas. I prefer lukewarm water over ice cold water.

Welkome to WP

Mick

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