How do you do?
My name is Stephanie and I am a 30 years old female from Canada.
I am not diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome, nor do I know if I was born with such deficiency/disability. However, I have been told by family, mostly my mother (as I doubt my father believes), that I may have inherited of such thing. It could be from far back in the ancestry.
She has told me of quite a few things that I was capable to do, which was rather surprising for my age (she believed I was around 2 or 3 years old at the time), such as; being able to open those baby security "gates", only by observation (I ended up falling a set of 3 stairs and hit my head, from what she remembers) and memorize a few things such as restaurants/supermarkets logos.
From what "I" still remember (since I tried to shut in many memories), as an older child, I would often, if not all the time, walk on the tip of my toes (I am still not sure how it can relate to autism, unlike hand flapping). I still do it from time to time today but, not as much as I used to. I was (and still am) an extremely shy person and barely talked (especially if I did not like where the topic was going or when I was being lectured and it still happens today).
I also clearly remember having a hard time executing simple instructions my father gave me such as; holding something higher, lower or at an angle (he crafts furniture and does renovation has a hobby and I would help him from time to time) or look for a specific object at a mentionned (often vaguely) location. Of course my dad's temperament back then was sort of bad (I'm not one to talk, I think I'm worse), and I would be constantly being called an idiot while being yelled at (I still love my dad regardless and he is a very cool person, just over-protective really).
I was bullied from Elementary all the way to High School but thankfully, it never really turned physical... then again, maybe it would have been better if I had been roughen up instead of being mentally scarred. In Academics, my main strenghts were Arts, Crafts and Languages. I was not a Math person and was rather a failure at it, perhaps because I had never received the adequate aid and perceived Mathematics as uneccessary (and I regret that way of thinking today). As a kid and teenager, I kept my feelings bottled up at all times and created a "fake mask", if you will. I perceived showing your emotions or seeking help as a weakness (and still do to some extent).
Today, I'm not really sure what's going on in my mind. It seems that, as time passes by, the more I am losing control of my mind and body. I do not recall having meltdowns when I was young (I have yet to verify this by asking) but lately, it has been becoming more frequent. I get urges to hurt someone or smash objects, but somehow I still have self-control... but for how long, is the question. I'm not sure how to describe but, sometimes, rage comes and goes, kind of like a small adrenaline rush for no reason. I get also emotionally distressed and when it's too strong, I start clawing or slapping myself to switch emotional to physical. Whenever I see myself in the mirror, I hate what I see... and there are time that the hatred is so deep, that I start insulting myself, as if I was a different person. I cannot seem to accomplish anything and lose motivation rather easily.
I'm often physically and mentally tired, as if someone has been sucking the energy out of me. Going out to shop or socializing with people is such a chore (unless it's online). Some say it's because I don't do enough exercises or do not eat healthy enough. However, I doubt that could be the cause.
All in all, I feel like I am dying from the inside and only my biological shell keeps on living.
16 Feb 2013, 1:58 pm
