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Hi, I'm Flower, a 29 year old woman. I've been seeing a therapist for a reason unrelated to autism, and she seems to hint at the possibility that I have the disorder. Standardized tests tend to show I have above average math and science intelligence, and I have some introverted personality characteristics, but I'd never seriously thought of myself as being autistic. I kinda don't want to have a disorder -- I've been going through some difficult changes in my life (thus the therapist) and don't want to face more difficulty or yet more to "fix." Now I'm not actually saying I have it -- I suppose that would require some kind of formal test, but I seem to have some of the symptoms of Asperger's syndrome at least...

I'm joining this site despite my reluctance since I suppose it wouldn't hurt me to learn a little about about autism...

So how are you all doing today? What does this disorder mean to you? One of the most unsetting possibilities is that I might not understand or identify with neurotypical people as well as I thought I did. :/ Perhaps I will understand autistic people better -- we'll see.

Well, thanks for reading and have a nice day!

Welcome to WP, Flower!

Greetings! Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Hello, AnonymousAnonymous, WitchsCat, and DarkRain! Thank you for the welcome.

Hi flower,

I am 38. I am new to the site also. For the past several years I recognized the likelihood of an Autism Spectrum Disorder, but just started dealing with it because it is getting harder to deal with the social aspect of life. I am further withdrawn from people outside of my immediate family, have more difficulty orally expressing myself and have a lower tolerance for small talk. I realized it was time to seek help. I will be seeing a therapist in a couple days (the 1st time since childhood).

If you understand that you look through life differently than other people, do not have empathy (and it's harder to feign) and becoming too isolated in your projects... it's time to seek help. In addition, I am notice social quirks of mine, which make them worse. It is difficult to prepare yourself for the outside world and the energy isn't there as it was when you were younger. I have never been really depressed; I like being alone, but I have a wife and kid and would like them not to have a significantly lesser experience because they are with me.

>Boring, unfulfilling, anxiety-inducing (because I do not know what to say)

Yes, it can be. The challenge I find in conversation is finding the union of my interests and the interests of the other person. A lot of small-talk is preamble to try to get to that point. I'm lucky in that I can find many things interesting -- if you have very narrow interests I can see that being more difficult.

>Thank you. It has been getting to far. I am getting worse and I want my family to suffer a little less/

From what you've told me you seem like you brain works a little like Mr. Spock's. (From Star Trek -- in case you're not famaliar, he has little or no feeling and operates on logical thinking.) Mr. Spock is a likeable character. Yes, he's in a military environment that scripts his interactions with humans to some degree. But I wouldn't say his non-emotional thinking causes others to suffer.

Interacting with others is like giving them a gift. It's great to do it. But people don't suffer when they don't get gifts, I don't think.

>I have not cried since I was a child. I had to fake cry when it was important.

I see. I cry pretty often...but...I'm also a girl. (Men tend to be more stoic).

>I only cried out of frustration.

Human emotionals can be a mess. Perhaps it's some part a gift to have a little less of them.

>It seems like an attempt to control my response. I am unfamiliar with their feeling and wish they would just stop.

Crying is like sneezing, you can kinda hold it back but it's mostly involuntary. It's due to a build up of strong emotions, almost like feelings spilling over a dam. Crying can make someone feel better as it helps release some of those emotions.

I can imagine watching it happen but not understanding would be awkward. What to do in response is circumstantial. Perhaps just asking if there's anything you could do to help would be best.

>I try to change the subject quick because I know I cannot offer real emotional support the person is looking for. It was easier to fake when I was younger.

I see.

>I realize I cannot help, so it's a waste of each other's time. I make any excuse to leave.

You have a challenge in finding how you can help other people -- to match your talents with what someone else needs to grow. (And some people you won't be able to connect to or help -- that's true of everyone.)

>genealogy/genetics research & sports statistics.

Do you research your own family or are you interesting in the theories in general?

>I am positive and helpful with work stuff,



>I'm engaging less and less and that may raise some eyebrows.

So, you're fining engagement less enjoyable. Do you think something has changed to cause that or is it just a gradual building of frustration?

>I have a wife and kid and would like them not to have a significantly lesser experience because they are with me.

I read (most of) Temple Gradin's book and I'm just reminded of the title "Different...not less."

>I want them to find their happiness...Honestly, I could do without anyone

Some of the most caring people I know are introverts...

Let me qualify. I have never liked small talk, but it was easier in the past to deal with to get to the point you are expressing. I had some friends growing up and a lot when I was experimenting with substances in high school and college. I am funny and good with quirky/oddball quips and people want to engage me, but I am feeling less and less wanting to engage. I rather get home to my projects. It is not about being sad or anything, I just REALLY enjoy my projects. People may view me as eccentric. I am okay with that. Also, in computer age, I MUCH prefer communicating via texts/emails and whatnot. I guess it gives me a gap, but my intent sometimes gets misunderstood because of the different way I see things and people have to "get to know me" to get me, but that's fine.

I never watched a Star Trek in my life. My dad is a Trekkie. It always bored me to tears. Ha. I am familiar with Spock, however, and can appreciate that we may share traits. Ha.

With crying, I think I stopped crying when I did not see the point. I always felt it was voluntary - I guess it's something with my wiring. In the back of my mind, it is hard for me not to think that crying isn't a form of manipulation.

My research is something to keep my mind occupied. If I do not have a project, I feel dull. I think I am doing research on genetics to find out more about me and am trying to focus on projects that will help with my legacy. Maybe I see it as a way to give back because I am best capable in giving in ways like that instead of emotionally.

My engagement is less enjoyable because I am more aware of my quirks. I know that my head goes in weird areas, my face may be weird, my hand movements (put my hand on my face), noticing women may think I am looking at breasts when I do not look at their eyes (by folding their arms - that's how I interpret arm folding). Taking the blue pill of realization of my condition has opened my eyes some and made me even more uncomfortable in those situations.

I have never "cared" the way others do. I do not appreciate holidays, religion, anniversaries and never ever got what the excitement was about. I do not see the purpose of jewelry or material things that you can't use. I never sought praise and never knew why people go out of their way to seek it (and so on...). I like doing a good job and am happy about it, but I do not want it more than an unspoken thing. I recognize it's more than just being a guy when I factor everything else. I would like to able to feel and tried to engage in that way before. Realizing I am not like that and that search is fool's gold is kind of a relief, but I am at the point, so now what?

This is another massive project for me. Seeing there are many people like me here is very helpful. I am happy that I am taking the steps to deal with it because I know if I do not, I may negatively impact those by withdrawing more than I have. I think the key for me is getting to the point where I can satisfy my needs to work on projects, but also be comfortable with letting others in.

>Also, in computer age, I MUCH prefer communicating via texts/emails and whatnot.

I'm like that sometimes, too. Text can be easier.

>I think I stopped crying when I did not see the point.

Very...um...logical.

>I always felt it was voluntary - I guess it's something with my wiring.

Sometimes it is. I've usually been able to bite my lip in public. Although a few months ago I remember breaking down in a restraunt I worked (fortunely after my shift). I badly wanted to stop, but I just couldn't.

>In the back of my mind, it is hard for me not to think that crying isn't a form of manipulation.

You know, I've seen posts on facebook saying stuff like, "crying is blackmail." Probably with girlfriends/wives in mind. I don't think you're alone in thinking like that. And perhaps some people do use crying to manipulate, I don't know. I've never had a relationship so there's a lot about girlfriend/boyfriend dynamics that I've not experienced.

>If I do not have a project, I feel dull.

I like the keep my mind occupied, too. It used to be I was able to focus intensly on projects -- I was really into math, science, and computers. Now I find I have less focus and more desire to have friends. Strange...

>I am doing research on genetics to find out more about me and am trying to focus on projects that will help with my legacy. Maybe I see it as a way to give back because I am best capable in giving in ways like that instead of emotionally.

Sounds cool. Have you found anything interesting?

>my face may be weird, my hand movements (put my hand on my face), noticing women may think I am looking at breasts when I do not look at their eyes

Hmm...well I suppose it's a matter of learning scripts that don't require you to fake, but also help you feel more confident. Sometimes I don't do the eye contact thing either. But I don't really worry so much anymore.

>(by folding their arms - that's how I interpret arm folding).

Sometimes it's disapproval. Sometimes just a comfortable pose, like a self-hug.

>has opened my eyes some and made me even more uncomfortable in those situations.

Oh, I'm sorry. Like any self-realization, I'm sure it's a bit of a growing process. And growing is often associated with growing pains...

>I have never "cared" the way others do.

I think the most important kind of caring is connecting the happines of someone else with your own happiness. Whether that's done emotionally or cognitively...

>I do not see the purpose of jewelry or material things that you can't use.

Jewerly makes you feel pretty. Feeling pretty makes you happy. But I still tend to wear practical clothing most of the time...

>Realizing I am not like that and that search is fool's gold is kind of a relief, but I am at the point, so now what?

Life is about doing what makes you happy. And what makes you happy depends entirely on you.

>I think the key for me is getting to the point where I can satisfy my needs to work on projects, but also be comfortable with letting others in.