Hi everyone

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I figured I would finally get around to making an account after lurking for a while. I am still sort of finding my way around in terms of researching ASDs, I am undiagnosed and I am currently looking at finding someone that would qualify as a specialist in my area or at least someone with experience. My life up to this point has been complicated to no end by what I now believe to be undiagnosed Asperger's, but also other compounding problems like OCD, anxiety and being transgendered. Sometimes it feels like my life is entirely overwhelming because I have sort of been trying to find my way through what feels like a giant fog or miasma with very little help, many adults throughout my childhood and teen years were very quick to either ignore me or give me bad advice, with a few misdiagnosis problems from mental health professionals that made things worse and/or sent me on the wrong path in life, trying to treat a condition I actually did not have.

I sometimes feel as though I could write a never-ending book about my life and I'm not even 30 yet. I can say with certainty that my inability to follow social norms has been something that has haunted me since I was in kindergarten, it has never been something as simple as just being a young person trying to find their way in life (which is what every counselor/therapist I've ever seen has used to write off my concerns), it has always been a recurring condition that never changes or gets better no matter how I try to learn from my mistakes or handle things differently in the future. In addition, other problematic issues are that I have always been able to easily get lost in thought at very inappropriate times, there is no ability to control this, it is something that I learned to enjoy quite a lot when I had the free time to explore it, but is a serious issue in regards to jobs. For example, I have gotten so lost in myself in the past that I would be doing something at a job and an hour or more could go by during these episodes, then a boss or supervisor "finds" me and I get in a lot of trouble for being lazy or doing the wrong thing or not being productive, but what I have always struggled to convince people of is that these episodes are not my fault and are not controllable.

I definitely have the tendency to obsessively learn about things which interest me, but lack the experience, motivation or skill to put anything to good use. At various points in my life, people would question why I was not doing a certain thing as a profession or why I was not in school for it...and I never had much of an answer when I was asked these things, I typically just couldn't find the words to reply, sometimes I would just walk away because I am so bad at social interactions. For example, ever since I was a kid in the 90s, I've had a love of computers and technology, so people tried to push me into studying these things, but nobody ever understood that I only enjoy these things when working at my pace and in extreme privacy, so when I was in a programming class in high school, I did no work, I was CONSTANTLY overwhelmed by other things in the environment of the computer lab, the bright lights, the people around me talking, the noises their keyboards make, just everything imaginable would get in my way and district me and prevent me from learning or doing work. It was a nightmare. I would later experience these same problems in my failed ventures in college, first studying Information Technology and then later going back for Nursing, I was unable to complete either attempt at college despite pulling good grades, I know I am very smart, but it is in applying my intelligence that I repeatedly struggle with. As such, these types of problems have left me in my 20s with very little experience, if I were to be honest about myself on a CV then it would be a string of failed jobs, failed schooling and bad reputation/social type things. I have since been unemployed and not in school from about 2009-present, increasingly reclusive and afraid to make my next move in life, I have become very lost and probably would be dead if not for my parents still helping me.

My areas of interest are a few things. I mentioned technological things, but also I seem to really love studying human anatomy and biological type sciences. As well, anything related to space and theoretical physics is of immense interest to me. There is also a love of aviation and flight, though I've known ever since I was a kid that anything related to flight is a no-go for me career-wise, even all my problems aside, my eyesight has always been horrendous and is so bad that even Lasik surgery would not correct it enough to allow me to pursue any sort of career as a pilot (although recently I discovered the idea of learning to professionally fly unmanned aerial vehicles, eyesight is much less of a concern in this type of field and there are schools cropping up lately with promises of careers making well into six figures in this sort of work, but I digress).

In addition to everything I've laid out so far, generalized anxiety prevents me from a lot of things in life. I am unable to tell how many problems would have fallen under ASD or under anxiety, but I think a blur of both is what really has left me lost in life and prevented me from having anything even remotely resembling a normal school life back in elementary and high school. Relentless bullying and poor understanding from others has been the result of the type of person I am, and eventually I just began to give up on ideas of normalcy and friendship. Right now I am struggling to put together something in life so that I do not continue to be stuck with my parents, but I can not hold down work, I sort of screw myself out of job interviews and that's assuming I can even manage to get offered an interview or even muster up the social courage to attempt to apply for jobs these days, because my life has been a string of professional and social failures and I just kind of 'know' what to expect at this point.

Sorry if this post spilled over into an aimless rant, I know the subject matter has become more relevant to the section of WrongPlanet dedicated to work and careers. I lack an off switch and can't shut up sometimes. I hope to meet a lot of people here, this is the only place that I really feel like I am able to relate to other people, I have struggled to even feel a part of some other websites, like a website which is now well known these days for anonymous posting, I had been visiting since high school, and even with their anonymous posting and lack of history for one's actions, I would only ever manage to have people become hostile toward me, so you can imagine how much more difficult my actual life has been, because real life is not anonymous and there is a lasting reputation and consequences for everything. Sometimes I feel hopeless, it is torture to feel intelligent and have obsessive interests in certain branches of science and technology, but to constantly feel like you're not functioning enough to apply your intelligence to these fields and become a professional and have a career.

I wonder if anyone read my post down to this line? I know this became a rant. I feel from experience that I should have wrapped things up a while ago and should definitely wrap things up right now, but that still is not enough for me to actually end a rant, even in text. Yikes. I will stop now just for the sake of stopping, even though I feel no desire or cue to stop.

Welcome!

Welcome aboard

Sounds like you've got a few things you're struggling with; from my experience on this site, if you ask the right questions, in the appropriate forums, people can be quite helpful. Perhaps reading other posts, and talking about some of these issues will shed some light on how to deal with them.

In saying that, my advise would be to attempt to find a job that allows you to indulge your need to 'zone out', which won't effect your job, and get you in trouble. Either that, or disciplining yourself to stay focused, which I know can be hard when you have something on your mind, but if you can get yourself to care enough about it, your Aspie obsessiveness can push you in to more socially acceptable behaviours. I myself like to use this to my own advantage to, when it comes to adapting to this world.