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Hello WP community,

I have been feeling rough lately and feel the need to share things with other like minded people so I sought out an ASD forum community and found Wrong Planet to be one of the more popular results. I'm pretty much going to spell out my life story below so if you don't want to read it, I can't blame you so thanks for dropping by

Oh and I'm 15 by the way, I live in Great Britain, UK.

So in primary school I was way more confident than now, even though I still thought I wasn't confident at all. I was not afraid to show my interest in computers (which persists), earning me a fair share of verbal bullying. My primary school was very strict and also knew nothing about special needs, so I was shouted and screamed through 7 years of mediocrity caused by the fact I just couldn't do my work most of the time. I have the attention span of a potato (no joke intended, I just cannot concentrate on anything) I can't remember anything I read, watch or hear but still manage to have a good vocabulary, the origins of which are beyond me. I had one friend in primary school who I seldom saw out of school, most of that time was spent on my computer.

Then I went to an absolute heck hole of a secondary school, bullying was rife, teachers often didn't turn up and walked out of most lessons crying because some psycho had reduced them to a wreck. During my time at this school I was robbed twice by another student which the school did nothing about. I was dragged across one of the concrete playgrounds bare back after which I spent an afternoon picking the gravel out of my back. I was beaten up and held down in the showers. I was caught up in riots and crowds running to see big fights. I also had a bottle thrown at my face by some randomer leaving a scar above my eye and a lit cigarette thrown into my lap both on the same day.

I'll be honest - when I was at this school (which was only for a year) - I threw up when I thought of attending. My attendance percentage was around 50% which wasn't a surprise at that school to be honest.

I'm now at a really nice rural school outside my town, it feels like a normal secondary school. It has a proportionate number of psychos and I haven't been bullied - although I know the odd comment has to be expected unfortunately. The only problem with this school is that the teachers can't teach people with autism, so I am only doing a few subjects as they recommended I dropped some because they couldn't make the lessons any better for me and I was getting F grades and U grades because of my attention span.

My mum is on my side thankfully and battles for me but the school just cannot help me, they don't know how.

Back into the mental health side of things, which is what drove me here. The issues with my mental health, give or take, are as follows...

-the mindset that I am trapped in ASD and the only way out is the 's' word.
-weird episodes of extreme self awareness lasting about 15 minutes.
-constant mood swings ranging from homicidal to high as a kite.
-procrastination of literally everything, sometimes can't even pick up my phone or play video games.
-thinking I will die soon, I am going nowhere or that I am useless at everything.
-wanting to be someone else so badly I try to fool myself into thinking I'm them.
-overthinking/overanalysing everything.
-getting so angry I need to release the feeling from my body by hitting something or someone (someone was throwing my pencil case around at school once, which they intended as a joke but I was having a rough day so I got my pencil case off the floor and went and hit them over the head with it and punched them in the head about 10 times, my friend then held me back).

As you've probably inferred from the story which follows, the anger bit affects me most. I am so tense and short fused when I come out of school that I can't talk to anyone for hours and I don't even know who or what could be causing it.

My GP has given me a 'possible diagnosis' of severe depression but the first psychiatrist type person I saw just brushed it off when I said I wanted to kill myself. I explained to them everything I feel daily and they said I wasn't depressed at all, no problem - it's just the autism. I discharged myself because of the disappointment I felt after seeing them.

My coping strategies are probably harming me as well. They originate from when I got involved with the wrong crowd in my area. All I did for 9 months was go out and vandalise, smoke (cigarettes and drugs unfortunately - bit more on that to follow), drink and start beef with people I couldn't finish. I now realise I only did this to feel like I belonged to something and to try and earn some kind of respect - but it was the wrong thing to associate myself with. I don't go out much in my town anymore which is kind of a good thing, I now only see my friends in the village where my school is and admittedly I still smoke a certain drug which I know is very controversial but without seeing anyone that can help me, it is the only thing stopping me from killing myself.

I guess I just wanted to share my story with more people and wonder if anyone can help me with my mental situation. I'm due to see a more experienced psychiatrist than the one I saw to begin with quite soon so hopefully they can enlighten me also.

Well thanks, especially if you read it all, it means a lot and sorry if anything I mentioned made me sound horrible I want to be frank and I'm sure you can understand that teenage years are crazy anyway.

Greetings and welcome to the Wrong Planet.

Nice to meet you! Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Thanks for the warm welcome guys

Welcome
I can relate to some of what you've written, but, granted, your time in the first secondary school sounded rather a nightmare

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

Yea, public school is a real bummer. It's a twelve year prison sentence peppered with many endless torture sessions. It's no wonder that there are so many school shootings.