Hi guys,
25 year old dude from central NJ here. I've peeked at this forum on and off for the last 5 or so years but haven't really had a good reason to join, until now.
I've realized that I cannot find truly stable happiness in life until I accept myself for who I am. That means embracing all sides of myself; even the undesirable ones. I won't kid you, I know how I appear to others: My intonation and body language are minimal. Sometimes I don't process things hearing/seeing them the first time around, or even the 2nd or 3rd, and end up doing something stupid. I talk slowly, I act slowly, and many people think I'm brain damaged/drunk/stoned when they first meet me. Oh yeah, I'm rocking quite happily in my chair (not a rocking chair!) as I write this.
For as long as I can remember, I've made choices that I've known to make others happy/relaxed/comfortable with me and as a result I've been fortunate enough to always be surrounded by loving, supportive friends. As far as an official diagnosis of Aspergers, the panel of 4 shrinks I've seen throughout my life is split down the middle; 2 yes, 2 no. I was hyperlexic when I was a kid, it suddenly went away in the middle of high school. I had an NVLD IQ score split that somehow closed around the same time, but I'm still pretty crappy at judging fast motion and my coordination is subpar. I went to a social skills group for a month when I was 9 or 10, the therapist told my mom she was wasting her money. I spent middle school talking in big words because it made everybody think I was a genius. I even believed that BS for quite a while and became a self righteous jerk. I had seen plenty of other aspies who stumbled in ways that I hadn't, and due to my good fortune and progress, arrogantly deemed them beneath me and myself above the disorder. I cringed any time I heard the name used to describe somebody else. How could I be like them? I knew social niceties despite being rough along the edges, I had meaningful relationships, and most importantly the skills to gain as many as I wanted.
The label, despite not really having any meaningful impact on my life by its own, ate me up inside pretty badly and I spent a lot of time in denial. I wasted so much time basking my own imperfection instead of trying to make myself better than I already was. In my heart of hearts I knew my shortcomings; I still google the difficulties I experience with "+ aspergers". With maturity I came around to see, as many others have said, that one aspie is just one aspie and the spectrum extends infinitely along all kinds of people. Only now can I be honest enough with myself to admit the many things I have in common with some of you here, but regardless of what category I fall into now, I am still, first and foremost, me. I no longer feel like I'm battling a demon, I'm just a guy learning to do what he cannot, so that one day he may do it. WP won me over with the beauty of its attitude: people are still people and happiness can be reached for everybody when people work together.
For those of you without the patience to read an entire essay I'd like to offer my TLDR; guy realizes labels don't matter and learns to love himself.
During my time here if I can help at least one other person learn to love themselves, I will consider myself a success.
06 Feb 2014, 12:02 am
