I am in a shell. My psychological makeup is very simple and direct. I was born with it, and it never changes. I am extremely high functioning inside my shell, but low functioning outside my shell. Obviously what happened is that my brain developed too much before birth, and crowded out the connection to the outside world or any room for change. One result of this is that I can remember early childhood better than I can remember adulthood. Another result is that puberty had no psychological effect on me.
I am cut off from the environment two ways, ingoing and outgoing. For ingoing, I am ery sensitive to effects from the outside world. For example, I panicked when anyone picked me up as a child, I could not go on playground equipment, or swim, or ride a bike, or go on physical amusements. A merry-go-round would be enough to take my breath away; a car ride is about as much as I can enjoy as far as amusements go. For outgoing, I never wanted to play games (although I did PLAY, and it was very imaginative). I cannot participate in parties. School was very hard and painful for me, college was out, being sent to camp was dreaded, and forget about me ever getting a job. I am in my shell, and to push out is extremely painful. I can talk well, but not to a stranger. I can walk long distances, but I cannot deal with what is on the path. It is easier for me to walk several miles than it is for me to take the bus. The way I learn must be from me to ask the question I am ready for, then get a simple answer, usually a simple yes or no. My working memory is bad (working memory seems to be outside my shell), but my conceptual level is extremely high (conceptual understanding is inside my shell, as a ?tapestry of all understanding?). By using the library, I have educated myself at a level far beyond most phDs, although I do not know knowledge for practical application.
To deal with the outside world takes rapid external assimilation of infirmation; my inability to deal with the outside world is therefore related to my poor working memory.
Since people are by nature interested in external worldly interaction, my interests are completely different than theirs. My thoughts and feelings are incompatible with theirs, and THAT is why I cannot socialize with strangers. In addition, I am by nature very inhibited and shy, and freeze when near strangers. My natural interaction with a stranger would be very direct, but I have learned that is not appropriate. What makes matters much worse is that what I look like (my physical image, i.e. age and gender) gives the worst possible signal about me, and is totally incompatible with what my relation with the world should be.
My condition is severe, and my life is ruined. Other than the ?autistic spectrum?, there is nothing in the DSM which comes anywhere close to describing my condition. However, the ?autistic spectrum? doesn?t seem to do the trick either. But for now it?s all I got.
03 Aug 2014, 5:39 pm
